La meva història sobre les relacions tòxiques II

Meritxell Garcia i Mar Moleón

La meva història és la teva història

Som la mar i la maritxell, i això és la meva història, és la teva història.

We are the sea and the maritxell, and this is my story, it is your story.

Un espai en el que podràs escoltar les experiències de vida d'una altra persona.

A space where you can listen to another person's life experiences.

Tots vivim vides diferents i alhora molt iguals.

We all live different yet very similar lives.

Escolta aquestes converses,

Listen to these conversations,

que només passen a porta tancada i que curen l'ànima.

that only happen behind closed doors and that heal the soul.

Avui, a la meva història és la teva història, parlarem de les relacions tòxiques.

Today, in my story is your story, we will talk about toxic relationships.

Hola, Mar, com estàs?

Hello, Mar, how are you?

Doncs molt bé, molt bé, molt bé.

Well, very good, very good, very good.

A punt per seguir amb el tema de les relacions tòxiques.

Ready to continue with the topic of toxic relationships.

Les relacions tòxiques, doncs vinc amb un maló que volia obrir també sobre això,

Toxic relationships, so I come with a topic that I wanted to open up about this as well,

que és el tema de les relacions sexuals amb aquestes persones.

what is the issue of sexual relationships with these people.

Ja, temazo, eh?

Yeah, great track, huh?

Sí, ui, ara t'ho explicaré jo.

Yes, oh, I'll explain it to you now.

Bueno, jo la meva experiència és que, en general, parlem de relacions tòxiques,

Well, my experience is that, in general, we talk about toxic relationships,

jo he tingut relacions amb narcisistes, són persones que són molt egoiques,

I have had relationships with narcissists; they are very self-centered people.

que les seves necessitats van per sobre i que tenen com una...

that their needs come first and that they have something like a...

Hi ha diferents tipus, eh?

There are different types, right?

És a dir, hi ha narcisistes més oberts cap enfora, molt grandiosos,

That is to say, there are more outwardly open narcissists, very grandiose,

el típic prepotente, no?, que trobaries a tot arreu,

the typical arrogant person, right?, that you would find everywhere,

però també n'hi ha d'altres que no ho semblen, no?,

but there are also others that don't seem so, right?

que tenen un rotllet més passiu-agressiu, més del pobret, de la víctima, no?, i aquestes coses.

that have a more passive-aggressive vibe, more of the poor me, the victim, right? And those kinds of things.

Però jo m'he trobat que, amb tots ells, ja sigui a consulta o quan ha vingut gent

But I have found that, with all of them, whether in consultation or when people have come.

a treballar aquest tema o en la meva vida personal,

to work on this topic or in my personal life,

sempre hi ha un engany.

there is always a deception.

Hi ha un engany molt bèstia a nivell sexual, sempre.

There is a very brutal deceit at a sexual level, always.

És a dir, les relacions sexuals acostumen a ser espectaculars.

That is to say, sexual relations tend to be spectacular.

Totes.

All.

I també això cala molt, perquè hi ha com un tema energètic, no?,

And also this resonates a lot, because there is a kind of energetic theme, right?

en el moment en què tu tens relacions amb algú, d'alguna manera els teus cos es connecten, no?

At the moment you have relations with someone, in a way your bodies connect, right?

I això també genera una certa dependència, no?, perquè, clar, hi ha químics en el cos, no?,

And this also generates a certain dependence, right?, because, of course, there are chemicals in the body, right?

dopamina, oxitocina, no?, coses que passen en aquell moment.

dopamine, oxytocin, right?, things that happen in that moment.

I jo també he vist com l'evolució d'això, no?, com que al principi era superfoc, no?,

And I have also seen how the evolution of this, right?, how at first it was super hot, right?

molt fugós, molt tal, i arriba un moment que tot es trenca.

very fleeting, very such, and there comes a moment when everything breaks.

O sigui, com que, de cop i volta, ja sigui perquè l'altre et castiga, no?

So, just because, all of a sudden, whether it's because the other punishes you, right?

Hi ha un tema de...

There is a topic of...

Aquest és el meu cas. El meu càstig va ser justament aquest,

This is my case. My punishment was precisely this,

de tenir unes relacions sexuals i una vida sexual superactiva,

to have sexual relationships and a superactive sex life,

superfantàstica.

superfantastic.

Bé, una passada, i de sobte, però a més a més, d'un dia parat.

Well, an incredible experience, and suddenly, but moreover, from a day of rest.

O sigui, ell va haver-hi una situació que jo la vaig descobrir al camp de temps,

In other words, there was a situation that I discovered in due time,

perquè jo vaig estar amb aquest home 5 anys.

because I was with this man for 5 years.

O sigui, vaig estar nou els últims 5 sense relacions sexuals.

That is to say, I was nine the last five without sexual relations.

De donar-m'ho tot a treure-m'ho radicalment tot.

From giving me everything to taking everything away from me radically.

Perquè, a més, ell sabia que jo tenia aquesta connexió amb ell a nivell físic,

Because, moreover, he knew that I had this physical connection with him.

i, per una situació que va passar, que jo vaig descobrir molt temps més tard,

and, due to a situation that happened, which I discovered much later,

ell va decidir un dia que s'havien acabat les nostres relacions sexuals.

He decided one day that our sexual relations were over.

Radicalment. O sigui, s'hi ha acabat. Fins aquí.

Radically. So, it's over. That's it.

I jo... I què passa? I què passa? Però què ha passat? Però què he fet?

And me... And what happens? And what happens? But what has happened? But what have I done?

Evidentment, perquè sobre...

Obviously, because about...

A veure, sobre el tema és teu, ja?

Let's see, about the topic it’s yours, right?

Alguna cosa he fet...

I must have done something...

Sí, sí, alguna cosa he fet perquè...

Yes, yes, I have done something because...

Perquè això s'hagi acabat, ja no li agrada, el meu cos ja no li agrada, ja no...

Because this has ended, he/she no longer likes it, my body no longer pleases him/her, no longer...

Jo havia arribat amb el pas del temps, perquè ja et dic, van ser 5 anys de càstig,

I had arrived with the passage of time, because I already told you, it was 5 years of punishment.

i vaig marxar, però van ser 5 anys de càstig,

I left, but it was 5 years of punishment.

jo havia arribat a plorar.

I had ended up crying.

Plorar i dir-li, sisplau, jo et necessito.

Cry and tell him, please, I need you.

I ja no era una qüestió potser tan física, eh?

And it was no longer perhaps such a physical matter, right?

Perquè, per mi, com tu deies, el dinàmic de relacions sexuals,

Because, for me, as you said, the dynamics of sexual relationships,

és un moment en què tu connectes energèticament, íntimament, amb aquesta persona,

it's a moment when you connect energetically, intimately, with that person,

i que és només amb aquesta persona amb qui connectes així.

And it's only with this person that you connect like this.

A la teva vida poden haver-hi moltíssimes persones,

In your life, there can be countless people,

però és aquell en què tu has triat per donar-li aquesta intimitat

but it is the one in which you have chosen to give it that intimacy.

i aquesta connexió íntima només amb ell.

and this intimate connection only with him.

Llavors, per mi, més enllà d'una qüestió de necessitat física sexual,

Then, for me, beyond a question of sexual physical necessity,

hi havia una necessitat de reconexió.

there was a need for reconnection.

I jo li dic...

And I say to him...

Jo li deia moltes vegades i havia arribat a plorar i dir-li,

I told him many times and had even reached the point of crying and telling him,

però sisplau, necessito tornar a connectar amb tu a aquest nivell.

but please, I need to reconnect with you at this level.

I això, jo en el seu moment no era conscient,

And this, at the time, I was not aware of.

però ara sí que sóc conscient que això el que feia era encara reformar més el seu poder.

But now I am indeed aware that what this was doing was further reforming his power.

La paraula lògica del poder.

The logical word of power.

És que, mira, ens sento dir-ho en veu alta i és que fa por de dir, no?

It's just that, you see, I hear us saying it out loud and it’s scary to say, right?

És a dir, fa por de dir, però clar,

That is to say, it's scary to say, but of course,

hi ha persones que el que volen fer és tenir un poder sobre tu.

There are people who want to have power over you.

Llavors, tenir un poder sobre tu, sobre les teves decisions,

Then, to have power over you, over your decisions,

sobre el teu plaer, sobre un munt de coses, no?

About your pleasure, about a bunch of things, right?

Llavors, el sexe es converteix en una moneda de canvi.

Then, sex becomes a bargaining chip.

I clar, és molt fort dir-ho així, però és que és així, no?

Yes, it's very strong to say it that way, but it is like that, isn't it?

O sigui, de viure algunes experiències supersatisfactòries a no viure en cap,

That is, from living some super satisfying experiences to not living in any.

també jo crec que utilitzen molt també aquest magnetisme energètic,

I also believe that they use this energy magnetism a lot as well.

no?, que tenen per fer-te sentir molt còmode, no?

Right? They have everything to make you feel very comfortable, right?

És a dir, jo havia tingut experiències amb aquestes parelles

That is to say, I had had experiences with these couples.

que potser no m'havia atrevit amb altres persones o no,

that perhaps I hadn't dared with other people or not,

com que generen un espai amb molt de comoditat, molt de confort, no?, i tal.

since they create a space with a lot of comfort, a lot of ease, right?, and so on.

I el que dius, et fa sentir superguapa, superguapa,

And what you say makes you feel super beautiful, super beautiful,

molt guapa, molt guapa.

very beautiful, very beautiful.

Bé, clar, tot això forma part de necessito que depenguis de mi.

Well, of course, all of this is part of needing you to depend on me.

Bé, amb molta culpa també, no?

Well, with a lot of guilt too, right?

Si tu no vols, o si tu sí vols i ell no vol, no?

If you don't want to, or if you want to and he doesn't want to, right?

Ja ets tot i tot aquest tema de poder, de jo controlo, no?

You're already all about this power thing, about me controlling, right?

Jo controlo aquest tema, no?

I control this topic, right?

Llavors, clar, és...

Then, of course, it's...

També jo recordo la sensació de dir

I also remember the feeling of saying

jo no tornaré a tenir relacions com aquesta.

I will not have relationships like this again.

Sí, jo també ho havia pensat.

Yes, I had thought so too.

Sí, no?

Yes, no?

De, clar, això és una cosa com especial que tenim tu i jo, no?

Well, of course, this is something special that you and I have, isn't it?

O sigui, com tenir com aquest...

So, like having one like this...

Que és mentida, eh?

What is a lie, huh?

És a dir, la bona notícia és que és mentida.

That is to say, the good news is that it is a lie.

La bona notícia és que és mentida.

The good news is that it is a lie.

Sí, és una bona notícia.

Yes, it is good news.

Que és mentida, però clar, mentalment penses

What is a lie, but of course, mentally you think.

bueno, és que és la meva alma gemela, no?

Well, it's just that it's my soulmate, right?

Jo amb aquesta persona tinc com aquesta connexió física,

I have this physical connection with this person.

aquesta connexió, no?

this connection, right?

Mental, emocional i tal.

Mental, emotional, and so on.

No, en realitat és abús, no?

No, in reality it is abuse, right?

És a dir, és com aquestes persones que les segresten

That is to say, it's like these people who are kidnapped.

i que al final sembla que estan enamorades del segrestador.

And in the end, it seems that they are in love with the kidnapper.

El teu cervell el que fa és un mecanisme de

Your brain acts as a mechanism of

com sobrevisc jo això?

How do I survive this?

En aquesta cina.

In this dinner.

Clar, la manera de sobreviure és pintar-ho de rosa

Of course, the way to survive is to paint it pink.

perquè no hi ha una altra manera de sobreviure.

because there is no other way to survive.

O sigui, surts d'aquí o si segueixes aquí

So, are you leaving here or are you staying here?

ho has de pintar d'una altra color

You have to paint it another color.

perquè si no, no podries estar allà.

because if not, you wouldn't be there.

Perquè moriries.

Because you would die.

Llavors, el teu cervell fragmenta, no?

So, your brain fragments, right?

Però sí que és veritat que hi ha un tema...

But it is true that there is a topic...

O sigui, jo conec, per exemple, parelles que...

So, I know, for example, couples who...

que ara mateix estan en una relació tòxica, no?

that they are currently in a toxic relationship, right?

I que porten anys, el muller, sense relacions sexuals.

And they have been years, the wife, without sexual relations.

Perquè també, ja no només per l'abusador,

Because also, not only for the abuser,

sinó per la víctima, d'alguna manera,

but for the victim, somehow,

està patint l'abús.

is suffering from abuse.

I arriba un moment que el teu cos es tanca.

And then a moment comes when your body shuts down.

O sigui, es tanca en banda.

In other words, he/she is closing off completely.

Com que ja no...

Since I no longer...

Clar, perquè una penetració...

Sure, because a penetration...

Una cosa és que et penetrin a nivell psicològic,

One thing is that they penetrate you on a psychological level,

però físic, quan el teu cos rebutja...

but physical, when your body rejects...

El cos és sempre l'últim a rebutjar, d'acord?

The body is always the last to reject, okay?

Perquè és més lent que la resta, d'acord?

Because he is slower than the rest, okay?

Però quan el cos rebutja és que ja estàs a les últimes, d'acord?

But when the body rejects it, it's because you’re already at your last breaths, okay?

O sigui, ja estàs en un punt en què el teu cos

So you are already at a point where your body

no vol la seva energia.

he does not want his energy.

Però...

But...

A mi això també m'ha passat, eh?

This has happened to me too, you know?

D'haver tingut una vida sexual molt activa molt tard

Having had a very active sex life very late.

i ser jo que al meu cos

and be me that in my body

li fa rebuig a l'altra persona.

he rejects the other person.

I pensar, ostres, què em passa, no?

I think, wow, what's happening to me, right?

Jo, a més a més, és supercuriós perquè

I, moreover, it's super curious because

crec, i crec que estic arribant a aquesta conclusió

I believe, and I believe that I am arriving at this conclusion.

en aquest moment,

at this moment,

que ell tenia control sobre mi

that he had control over me

en molts aspectes,

in many aspects,

jo què sé, econòmic, al final ell,

I don’t know, economic, in the end he,

doncs, era qui, suposadament,

so, it was who, supposedly,

havia de sustentar que tampoc ho va fer

he had to support that he didn't do it either

perquè també va ser un àlbum de humor

because it was also a comedy album

que em va vendre una cosa

that sold me something

però després no va ser real.

but then it wasn't real.

Ell em tenia

He had me.

atrapada en aquest sentit, no?

caught in this sense, right?

De no, no, jo portaré diners a casa, ta, ta, ta.

No, no, I will bring money home, ta, ta, ta.

Jo t'ajudaré amb els nens

I will help you with the kids.

perquè tu, si has d'anar a treballar,

because you, if you have to go to work,

jo m'ocuparé dels nens.

I will take care of the kids.

Jo ja et faig el sopar perquè tu puguis jugar

I'll make you dinner so you can play.

amb els nens al parc.

with the kids at the park.

Tot això, llavors, tot això es va anar tancant.

All of this, then, all of this started to close in.

Tancant?

Closing?

Perquè la mare va trobar una feina,

Because the mother found a job,

va començar a portar diners a casa,

he started bringing money home,

més diners que els que portava ell,

more money than he was carrying,

va buscar una cangur

She looked for a babysitter.

i la cangur ja li suplia

and the nanny already took care of him

la necessitat amb els fills

the need with the children

i jo crec que

and I believe that

va pensar, bueno,

he thought, well,

doncs he de trobar una altra manera

so I have to find another way

de controlar-la.

to control it.

De recuperar el control, clar.

To regain control, of course.

De recuperar el meu control

To regain my control.

perquè totes aquestes coses

because all these things

ella ja les està assolint ella sola.

She is already achieving them by herself.

I ara, què em queda?

And now, what do I have left?

Què em queda per poder-la controlar?

What do I have left to be able to control it?

I en el seu cas, a més a més,

And in his case, moreover,

ell deia, això millorarà.

He said, this will get better.

Cada vegada que jo tocava el tema

Every time I brought up the topic.

i deia, això no pot ser

and I said, this cannot be

perquè jo necessito connectar amb tu,

because I need to connect with you,

perquè jo necessito recuperar

because I need to recover

aquesta part de la nostra relació, tal,

this part of our relationship, such,

ell em deia, això és temporal

he told me, this is temporary

i això millorarà.

and this will improve.

Ara no em trobo bé

I don't feel well right now.

o ara és que no estic conforme

Oh now it's that I don't agree.

amb el meu cos,

with my body,

no és problema teu, és culpa meva,

it's not your problem, it's my fault,

jo això ho solucionaré,

I'll sort this out.

hi posaré remei

I will find a solution.

i així em va tenir atrapada

and so it kept me trapped

cinc anys pensant

five years thinking

Marc, això millorarà,

Marc, this will get better.

ell és conscient

he is aware

que té aquest problema i el solucionarà.

who has this problem and will solve it.

I tu vols creure, tu vols creure.

And you want to believe, you want to believe.

No, és que fos greu.

No, it wasn't serious.

Clar, clar, tu creus

Of course, of course, you believe.

però això passa en molts àmbits,

but this happens in many areas,

volia que parléssim de l'aïllament

I wanted us to talk about isolation.

també, és a dir,

also, that is to say,

hi ha una cosa que fan, que són uns maestros

There is one thing they do, which is some teachers.

amb això, que és l'aïllament.

with this, which is isolation.

És a dir,

That is to say,

ostres, als meus amics no li caien mai

wow, my friends never drop them

ve els meus amics, tu.

Come see my friends, you.

És igual qui fos,

It doesn't matter who it was,

no importa, llavors sempre trobava

it doesn't matter, then I always found

punta a les coses, no?

Pointing to things, right?

O sigui, potser jo li comentava la situació

So, maybe I was commenting on the situation to him.

que teníem i llavors ell

that we had and then he

anava a posar pes a la balança

I was going to put weight on the scale.

que m'allunyava d'aquelles persones

that separated me from those people

que m'estimaven, no?

that they loved me, right?

O buscava situacions

I was looking for situations.

violentes amb aquelles persones perquè jo

violent with those people because I

m'enfadés amb elles, perquè jo

I got angry with them because I

em n'és aïllant del meu entorn,

it is isolating me from my surroundings,

no?

Per sort, en el meu cas,

Fortunately, in my case,

va ser un esforç fallit, diguem-ne,

it was a failed effort, let's say,

no? Però, clar,

no? But, of course,

va ser una lluita, no?

It was a struggle, wasn't it?

Quan tu comences a normalitzar aquesta situació

When do you start normalizing this situation?

i a més aconsegueixen aïllar-te

and moreover they manage to isolate you

completament, d'aquelles persones

completely, of those people

que et donen un balanç mental, que et diuen

they give you a mental balance, they tell you

no, perdona, això no és així.

No, sorry, that's not how it is.

Jo recordo una conversa

I remember a conversation.

amb un amic meu que em deia

with a friend of mine who was telling me

per què ell està posant

Why is he putting?

les normes d'això?

the rules of this?

Jo també tinc el que és clar, que també m'ho han aïllat.

I also have what is clear, that it has also been isolated from me.

I jo, clar,

And me, of course,

saps aquells moments de dir, hòstia, si jo sóc una tia intel·ligent,

do you know those moments when you think, damn, I’m an intelligent woman,

per què no m'estic plantant? I em deia

Why am I not standing up for myself? And it told me.

però tu què vols?

But what do you want?

Ja, però és que si li dic el que vull s'enfada

Yes, but if I tell him what I want, he gets angry.

i era com, i què? I em deia, i què si s'enfada?

And it was like, and what? And she told me, and what if she gets angry?

Saps allò? Aquests moments

Do you know that? These moments.

de... Ara jo em quedaré sola, no?

So... Now I'm going to be left alone, right?

Clar, marxarà, em quedaré sola.

Sure, he will leave, I will be left alone.

Hi ha com un tema de

There is a kind of theme of

de voler conservar allò a tota costa

of wanting to preserve that at all costs

tot i que no et fa bé, no? Perquè

although it's not good for you, is it? Because

clar, també t'han fet sentir no capaç.

Of course, they have also made you feel incapable.

O sigui, porten tant de temps treballant

So, they have been working for so long.

en què tu et sentis

in what you feel

no capaç, que al final tu

not capable, that in the end you

també et creus que no ets capaç

you also think you are not capable

de tenir una vida sense aquella persona, no?

of having a life without that person, right?

Clar. Però sort també

Sure. But luck too.

d'aquests amics sincers i honestos que són capaços

of these sincere and honest friends who are capable

de dir coses, que són diferents de dir...

of saying things, which are different from saying...

Però jo no sé, tu, jo no me l'escoltava.

But I don't know, you, I wasn't listening to it.

És a dir, quan a mi

That is to say, when to me

ella em deia

she told me

però marx, tu no veus?

But Marx, don't you see?

Perquè nosaltres, bueno, clar,

Because we, well, of course,

vam llogar una casa conjuntament,

we rented a house together,

primer tot anava molt bé, després va començar

first everything was going very well, then it started

a posar normes

to set rules

als meus fills

to my children

i després,

and then,

a part de les normes que hem posat,

apart from the rules we have set,

em posava a mi, doncs va arribar un dia que va dir

I put myself in the situation, for one day she said.

no, al pati de casa no pot entrar cap cotxe.

No, no car can enter the backyard of the house.

La teva amiga

Your friend

ha deixat el cotxe on vulgui, però aquí a casa

He left the car wherever he wanted, but here at home.

no entra cap cotxe. I ella em deia

no car enters. And she was telling me

a veure, Marc, si la casa és dels dos,

let's see, Marc, if the house belongs to both of us,

igual que em diu

just as you tell me

a casa no entren cotxes, tu no pots

Cars don't enter the house, you can't.

dir... Doncs, doncs, escolta,

say... Well, well, listen,

sí, ella pot entrar

Yes, she can enter.

al cotxe perquè a mi em sap bé que

to the car because it feels good to me that

no el cotxe. És una xorrada

Not the car. It's nonsense.

perquè al final... Però és igual, és que

because in the end... But it doesn't matter, it's just that

les batalles són aquestes.

the battles are these.

Les batalles són aquestes.

The battles are these.

No és important, sí, és una xorrada,

It's not important, yes, it's nonsense,

però es deixa el cotxe fora.

but he leaves the car outside.

Així se'ns va guanyant terreny.

Thus we are losing ground.

I el cas, no només

And the case, not only

en ballar,

in dancing,

d'amistats, família,

of friendships, family,

no només en ballar, sinó que

not only in dancing, but also

en moments àlgids

at peak moments

en què discutíem o

what we were discussing or

em retreia coses o tal, em deia

she would reproach me for things or such, she would say.

estàs sola

you are alone

si ningú et vol.

if nobody wants you.

O sigui, ell m'havia allunyat

So, he had pushed me away.

a mi, de les meves persones

to me, from my people

i quan tenia la possibilitat

and when I had the opportunity

de tocar el tema i ferir-me

of touching the subject and hurting me

deia, però no ho veus que estàs sola

I said, but don't you see that you are alone?

que ningú et vol. Així estàs

that no one wants you. That's how you are.

de tarada, però

of a fool, but

no veus que ningú et vol perquè

don't you see that nobody wants you because

estàs tarada. Per això estàs sola,

You're crazy. That's why you're alone.

no tens la família, no tens amigues,

you don't have family, you don't have friends,

no tens ningú. I en aquells

you have no one. And in those

moments jo pensava

I was thinking moments.

hòstia, però si tindrà raó,

wow, but if he will be right,

és veritat. No tinc

It's true. I don't have.

família, no tinc amics, només

family, I have no friends, only

tenia d'amiga, que en els moments

"I had a friend who, in moments..."

en què ella em feia veure les banderes vermelles

in which she made me see the red flags

jo les veia. I li deia, tens

I saw them. And I told him, you have.

raó, però no era capaç

reason, but I was not able

de gestionar-ho, perquè jo era

to manage it, because I was

conscient de tot el que ella em deia

aware of everything she was telling me

ma, però tia, no veus que tal?

But, aunt, don't you see that?

No veus que ha posat una càmera

Don't you see that he/she has put a camera?

i que està controlant

and who is controlling

quan surts i quan entres de casa?

When do you leave and when do you come home?

No, no. Veus que té

No, no. You see that it has.

l'altaveu, el Google Home

the speaker, the Google Home

que ell hi feia estar en el bord de mi

that he made her stay on the edge of me

que és mòbil de tu, estàs

what is mobile of you, you are

brillant a casa, i jo li deia

shining at home, and I was telling him

sí, sí, sí, Nadia, tens raó

Yes, yes, yes, Nadia, you are right.

tens raó, però jo

you are right, but I

quan estava sola, també és veritat que

when I was alone, it is also true that

hi havia com una dualitat, quan jo estava sola

there was like a duality, when I was alone

em podia fer aquestes preguntes

could you ask me these questions?

però quan ell estava

but when he was

quan la seva energia

when her energy

estava present a casa

I was present at home.

la meva quedava absolutament

my stay was absolutely

anul·lada. Jo recordava

canceled. I remembered

tenir vídeos... Perquè és com si t'estiguessin vigilant

to have videos... Because it's like someone is watching you

és com si hi hagués un bulldog

it's like there is a bulldog

vigilant. I senyora, tal qual

Vigilant. Yes, ma'am, just like that.

ja em trencava

I was already breaking.

tot, no?

Everything, right?

Jo recordo aquestes converses

I remember these conversations.

amb el meu amic, que ella

with my friend, that she

em deia, tia, o sigui

she was telling me, aunt, I mean

no... O sigui, jo me'n recordo

no... I mean, I remember.

per exemple, el dia que li vaig dir

for example, the day I told him/her

eh, te n'has d'anar de casa? Te'n vas.

Hey, do you have to leave home? You're leaving.

Jo me'n recordo que

I remember that

que vaig anar

that I went

a parlar amb el meu amic i ell em va dir

I was talking to my friend and he told me.

bueno, no estàs preparada per trencar-ho

Well, you're not ready to break it.

tot. Bueno, doncs comença per espai

everything. Well, then start with space

o sigui, comença petit.

In other words, start small.

Jo me'n recordo que quan va sortir de casa

I remember that when he/she left home.

descans, no?

Rest, right?

O sigui, clar, però que dur, eh?

I mean, sure, but how tough, right?

O sigui, però quin descans de

That is, but what a relief of

desi...

M'he tret un pes, no?

I've lifted a weight off my shoulders, haven't I?

Perquè d'alguna manera també és que

Because somehow it is also that

jo em notava que sempre que quedava amb els meus amics

I felt that whenever I hung out with my friends

parlava dels problemes que tenia amb ell

she was talking about the problems she had with him

tot el dia. O sigui, era com

the whole day. I mean, it was like

mira què m'ha passat, perquè

look what happened to me, why

clar, o pobra,

of course, or poor thing,

pobra perquè mira què li ha passat,

poor thing, look what has happened to her,

pobra perquè mira

poor because look

com està. O sigui, jo quedava

how are you. I mean, I would stay

en un... sota zero.

in a... below zero.

O sigui, el que jo volia

So, what I wanted

fer, el que jo volia...

do, what I wanted...

M'havia canviat hasta l'energia.

It had even changed my energy.

O sigui, jo recordo sortir a fer rils

I mean, I remember going out to do rils.

amb una cara de macrada

with a battered face

que no tenia forces per res.

that I had no strength for anything.

O sigui, no,

So, no,

és que m'havia canviat tot, tot, tot,

it's just that everything had changed for me, everything, everything,

tot, tot. És que no...

everything, everything. It's just that no...

Però és molt a poc a poc. La gent

But it is very slowly. The people.

a vegades no ho entén perquè és com un dia

Sometimes he doesn't understand it because it's like a day.

és una cosa, un altre dia és una altra cosa, i

it's one thing, another day it's another thing, and

a poc a poc no te l'escolta i tens càmeres a casa.

Little by little, she doesn't listen to you, and you have cameras at home.

Saps què vull dir? O sigui...

Do you know what I mean? I mean...

T'explicues el dia i dius

You explain the day and say

com hem arribat a aquest punt.

how we have got to this point.

O sigui...

That is to say...

I ell m'havia espiat amb WhatsApp

And he had spied on me with WhatsApp.

a través d'una aplicació

through an application

i ell es posava el meu WhatsApp

and he was putting my WhatsApp on.

en el seu mòbil.

on his phone.

Controlava totes les meves converses.

He/She controlled all my conversations.

El meu Facebook

My Facebook

l'havia obert en el seu mòbil

he had opened it on his mobile phone

i tots els missatges privats que jo podia

and all the private messages that I could

rebre o escriure, ell els tenia

to receive or to write, he had them

en el seu mòbil. O sigui, ell

on his mobile. I mean, he

controlava tot.

controlled everything.

Controlava tot.

He controlled everything.

Tot.

Everything.

I el que parlàvem energèticament, jo

And what we were talking about energetically, me

estava en vida trucada amb les meves amigues

I was on a call with my friends.

o de feina i

or job and

en el moment, ja no per la porta,

at the moment, no longer through the door,

en el moment que s'obria el portal

at the moment the portal opened

i jo sentia el portal de casa

And I could hear the front door of the house.

que el futxar entrava a casa

that the soccer player was coming home

és que no calia que digués res.

It wasn't necessary for him/her to say anything.

Les meves amigues em deien

My friends were telling me.

he arribat. Perquè és que

I have arrived. Because it is that

automàticament la meva cara

automatically my face

canviava, la meva narra...

it would change, my narrative...

Sí, sí, em posaven alerta.

Yes, yes, they alerted me.

Ja, ja, ja.

Ha, ha, ha.

Vigila què dius, vigila què fas,

Watch what you say, watch what you do,

vigila com ho fas, vigila amb qui parles...

watch how you do it, watch who you talk to...

Era...

It was...

Uf, una anul·lació.

Ugh, a cancellation.

Era una anul·lació personal i brutal

It was a personal and brutal cancellation.

i com a mare, que és una altra cosa

and as a mother, which is another thing

de les que a mi em va fer

of those that made me

dir, ostres, no, és que per aquí no.

Say, wow, no, it's just not around here.

O sigui, jutjar-me

So, judge me.

la meva manera

my way

d'educar els meus fills

to educate my children

també va abusar psicològicament

he also psychologically abused

dels meus fills. També els hi tenia

of my children. I also had them.

un control brutal.

a brutal control.

Aquí no es trepitja, aquesta habitació no en treu.

Here it is not tread on, this room does not take it out.

O sigui, fins a uns

That is, up to a few

ponts que jo pensava, però

bridges that I thought, but

pobres fills meus, o sigui,

poor my children, that is,

horrorós.

horrible.

Va arribar, doncs, aquest moment

So, this moment arrived.

a controlar tot, qualsevol

to control everything, anyone

cosa. O sigui, i

thing. That is, and

l'estat d'alerta que això generava en mi.

the state of alert that this generated in me.

Perquè quan ningú no hi havia els nens

Because when there was no one there, the children.

a casa, només m'havia de controlar jo.

At home, I only had to control myself.

Però quan hi havia els meus tres fills

But when my three children were there

a casa, havia de vigilar què deia jo,

At home, I had to watch what I said.

què feia jo, i què deien nens

What was I doing, and what were the kids saying?

i què feien ells. Perquè

And what were they doing? Because.

generava conflicte amb els altres

it generated conflict with others

i amb mi. Perquè primer

and with me. Because first

m'enganyava a ells i després m'enganyava a mi.

I was deceiving them and then deceiving myself.

Mira que mala mare que és

Look how bad a mother she is.

que el teu fill ara és...

that your son is now...

Tentar tot el rato evitar

Trying to avoid all the time.

la catàstrofe, que no pots evitar perquè aquella persona

the disaster, which you cannot avoid because that person

es punta de qualsevol

it's the tip of anyone

lloc, no? Jo, en el meu cas, no era tant

place, right? I, in my case, wasn't that much

un control de comunicació

a communication control

ni físic, ni càmeres, ni aquestes coses,

neither physical, nor cameras, nor these things,

però era, a més,

but it was, moreover,

un control molt psicològic.

a very psychological control.

O sigui, molt psicològic de generar culpa,

So, very psychological in generating guilt,

de treure

to remove

important...

Clar, perquè tu et penses

Of course, because you think

que ho saps tot, no?

You know everything, don't you?

Era aquest tipus de...

It was this kind of...

Clar, com et penses que has estudiat molt,

Of course, how do you think you have studied a lot,

aquestes coses, et penses que ho tens tot controlat,

these things, you think you have everything under control,

que el que tu penses és el que és, no?

What you think is what is, right?

O, clar, el tema

Oh, of course, the topic.

de l'empatia. Jo li deia, és que no

of empathy. I said to him, it's just that not

veig la teva empatia.

I see your empathy.

I em deia, és increïble que tu siguis experta

He told me, it's incredible that you are an expert.

en empatia i no vegis que no sé què, no sé

in empathy and don't see that I don't know what, I don't know

quantos, no? O sigui, utilitzava tota la part

how many, right? I mean, I was using the whole part

aquesta

this

per fer-me mal

to hurt me

i alhora per, d'alguna manera,

and at the same time, in some way,

fer-me dubtar de les meves pròpies

make me doubt my own

capacitats i de la meva línia

capabilities and my line

de pensament, no?

of thought, right?

Perquè jo sí que, per exemple, clar, tampoc soc tonto,

Because I, for example, am not stupid either.

llavors ja saben del que et deixaràs i del que no et deixaràs.

Then you already know what you will let go of and what you will not let go of.

O sigui, jo si m'hagués dit

That is, if I had been told.

avui no surts,

today you are not going out,

jo li hauria dit, vinga, hasta luego.

I would have told him, come on, see you later.

En ves tu dir.

Instead you should say.

Clar, però,

Of course, but,

clar, llavors aquí no intentava

Sure, then here I wasn't trying.

controlar. Però llavors intentava...

to control. But then I was trying...

Però, clar, intentava controlar

But, of course, he was trying to control.

on sabia que jo em deixaria, no?

You knew that I would leave myself, right?

És a dir, primer comencen per les batalles

That is to say, they first start with the battles.

que saben que guanyaran, no?

They know they will win, right?

Però, clar, és

But, of course, it is

molt fort, o sigui, és molt fort. I el tema

Very strong, I mean, it's very strong. And the topic.

és que quan l'expliques a algú,

it's just that when you explain it to someone,

és molt difícil.

It's very difficult.

Perquè, clar, jo no et puc explicar

Because, of course, I can't explain it to you.

totes les coses que passen en un dia, no? Llavors,

all the things that happen in a day, right? Then,

què passa? Que t'ho expliques l'anècdota.

What's happening? Are you going to tell me the anecdote?

Però, clar, l'anècdota en un context

But, of course, the anecdote in a context

d'una relació,

of a relationship,

no? Que és el que tu dius.

No? What is it that you say?

Normalitzar, no? Esclar, podem

Normalize, right? Of course, we can.

normalitzar, no? Que potser no estem d'acord,

normalize, right? Maybe we don't agree,

saps? En una cosa. Podem

You know? In one thing. We can.

normalitzar moltes coses.

normalize many things.

Però és la

But it is the

gota a gota, és aquest...

drop by drop, it's this...

És aquest constant,

It is this constant,

constant.

Doncs va bé, i de cop,

Well, it's fine, and all of a sudden,

xas, i dius

yes, and you say

merda, tot va bé,

shit, everything is fine,

ras, tot va bé,

cool, everything is fine,

xas, tot va bé, i és com...

Yes, everything is fine, and it's like...

Uf, és...

Phew, it is...

Realment és un estat

It is really a state.

d'atenció

of attention

i de pressió

and under pressure

molt bèstia

very beastly

el que vivim les persones

what we live as people

que vivim amb aquest

that we live with this

tipus d'homes i dones,

types of men and women,

perquè al final nosaltres som dones i parlem

because in the end we are women and we speak

de la part del gènere masculí,

on behalf of the male gender,

però també existirà el...

but there will also exist the...

Hi ha dones, sí, sí.

There are women, yes, yes.

Però no es pot viure,

But one cannot live,

si és una situació...

if it is a situation...

I és el que tu dius al final, la teva

And it's what you say in the end, yours.

ment posa totes les alarmes possibles

mind sets off all possible alarms

perquè puguis sobreviure

so that you can survive

amb la major tranquil·litat possible

with the greatest possible calmness

evitant tots els conflictes.

avoiding all conflicts.

I com evitem els conflictes?

And how do we avoid conflicts?

Evitem els conflictes entrant

We avoid conflicts by entering.

en conflicte amb nosaltres mateixes.

in conflict with ourselves.

T'anul·les, clar, t'anul·les i dius

You cancel yourself, of course, you cancel yourself and say.

jo vull això, o m'agradaria tal,

I want this, or I would like such.

però si dic això,

but if I say this,

això comportarà aquesta reacció,

this will lead to this reaction,

aquesta reacció comportarà

this reaction will lead to

un càstig per mi, passar una mala estona,

a punishment for me, to have a bad time,

una discussió, una baralla...

a discussion, a fight...

Llavors ja, pues esto me lo como.

Then, well, I'll just eat this.

I canyo

I smoke.

per intentar evitar el conflicte

to try to avoid the conflict

i així intentar passar

and thus try to pass

el més suau possible

as softly as possible

perquè... I viure així és...

because... and living like this is...

És que no vius, no?

It's just that you don't live, do you?

Jo crec que serà vius, no?

I think it will be alive, right?

També penso que...

I also think that...

Serà vius i malaltes.

They will be alive and sick.

Sí, no?

Yes, no?

També penso que d'alguna manera...

I also think that in some way...

Quan tu has viscut una dinàmica

When you have experienced a dynamic

similar amb el teu pare,

similar to your father,

jo penso que...

I think that...

Sona fort dir-ho, eh?,

It sounds loud to say it, doesn't it?

però crec que estàs una miqueta

but I think you are a little bit

condenada, eh?, d'arribar aquí.

Sentenced, huh?, to end up here.

Sí, jo crec

Yes, I believe.

que he anat a parar aquesta relació

that I have ended up in this relationship

tan tòxica i tan

so toxic and so

lletja

ugly

perquè

because

la situació que jo vaig viure amb el meu pare

the situation that I lived with my father

d'abusos quan jo era petita,

of abuses when I was little,

al final

in the end

el meu inconscient

my unconscious

i la meva ment

and my mind

creia que la meva zona de confort

I believed that my comfort zone

era ser la víctima.

was to be the victim.

Clar, a part

Sure, apart from

que això que estava passant

that what was happening

passava de portes endintre

it was going inside

i no es compartia fora.

And it was not shared outside.

Llavors, tot aquest

Then, all this

patiment i tot aquest

suffering and all this

sentir-me víctima i, ojo,

feel like a victim and, watch out,

sentir-me còmode

feel comfortable

entre cometes,

in quotes,

sent la víctima, perquè era el paper

being the victim, because it was the role

que jo des de molt petita havia comprès

that I had understood since I was very little

que m'havia tocat viure,

that I had to live,

i això, internament,

and this, internally,

m'ho deia moltes vegades.

She/He used to tell me that many times.

Mare, és el que t'ha tocat?

Mom, is this what you've got?

Doncs igual que m'ho deia quan era petita

Well, just as you used to tell me when I was little.

i estava vivint aquests abusos per parlar

I was living these abuses to talk.

amb el meu pare, m'ho deia quan

with my father, he used to tell me when

ja tenia trenta i tants

I was already in my thirties.

i estava en aquesta relació tòxica de

I was in this toxic relationship of

bueno, mare, és que

well, mom, it's just that

és el que hi ha, és el que et toca,

it's what it is, it's what you get,

doncs has vingut a aquesta vida,

so you have come to this life,

doncs això,

so that’s it,

i no tenia la capacitat que llavors vaig

and I did not have the ability that I then had.

tenir després a l'hora d'escriure el llibre

have later when writing the book

i d'essenar totes aquestes

and of staging all these

ferides, de dir

wounded, to say

no, no, és que en aquesta

no, no, it’s just that in this

situació, en aquesta situació m'hi poso

situation, in this situation I put myself in it

jo. O sigui, sóc

I. That is, I am.

jo qui en certa manera

I who in a way

permeto,

I allow,

és molt dur, eh, i és molt

it's very hard, huh, and it's very

heavy, quan a mi les persones m'ho diuen,

heavy, when people tell me that,

és molt difícil d'integrar,

it is very difficult to integrate,

no? No permeto

no? I don't allow it.

conscientment, permeto inconscientment

Consciously, I allow unconsciously.

perquè jo tinc ferides

because I have wounds

i les mancances emocionals

and the emotional shortcomings

que...

that...

Tu t'amusàs fins on tu

You enjoyed yourself as far as you.

has decidit...

you have decided...

Has decidit ser abusada, no?

You have decided to be abused, haven't you?

Llavors,

Then,

en aquests nivells, eh, vull dir,

at these levels, you know, I mean,

és psicològic de tenir una relació

it's psychological to have a relationship

tòxica, no?

Toxic, isn't it?

Però clar, quan tu

But of course, when you

has viscut amb això,

you have lived with this,

ho normalitzes.

you normalize it.

Normalitzes, o sigui, jo ho he viscut

You normalize it, I mean, I have lived it.

tota la vida, llavors

all my life, then

al final et sembla normal, i

in the end, it seems normal to you, and

penso sincerament que

I sincerely think that

encara que és una merda

even though it's a mess

viure una relació així, perquè és una gran

living a relationship like this, because it is a great

merda,

shit,

eh,

hey,

jo crec que hi ha una cosa que passa

I believe that there is something that happens.

que també és necessària,

that is also necessary,

jo penso que t'has de destruir

I think you have to destroy yourself.

per tornar a construir-te, no?

to rebuild yourself, right?

Perquè

Because

quan tu portes un esquema

when you bring a scheme

familiar que sustenta

supporting family

en aquestes coses,

in these matters,

eh, la manera de destruir-ho

eh, the way to destroy it

és

reviure-ho

to relive it

amb una altra edat i uns altres recursos,

with another age and other resources,

no?

Perquè llavors aquí s'ha de donar compte de

Because then here one has to take into account

que, vale, vale,

that, okay, okay,

no? I això ve de lluny, no?

No? And this goes back a long way, doesn't it?

És a dir, jo em sento

That is to say, I feel

així, o penso això, o estic disposada

so, either I think this, or I am willing

a deixar de ser, deixar

to stop being, to leave

de fer, deixar de no sé què,

to do, to stop not knowing what,

clar, perquè

of course, why

clar, perquè jo vinc d'aquí.

Of course, because I come from here.

Llavors,

Then,

no? A vegades

no? Sometimes

jo crec que són

I think they are

un regal

a gift

en el sentit de,

in the sense of,

sí, hi ha molt de patiment i hi ha molt de dolor,

yes, there is a lot of suffering and there is a lot of pain,

però alhora

but at the same time

penso que també aquestes relacions ens ajuden a

I think that these relationships also help us to

transitar a una cosa que d'una altra manera no podríem fer.

transition to something that we otherwise could not do.

O sigui, al final el teu cervell vol col·locar coses al seu lloc.

So, in the end, your brain wants to put things in their place.

Les vol col·locar.

She wants to place them.

I quan tenies cinc anys, o tenies deu anys,

And when you were five years old, or you were ten years old,

o tenies quinze, no ho vas poder fer perquè no podia.

Or you were fifteen, you couldn't do it because I couldn't.

No, perquè no tenim les eines,

No, because we don't have the tools,

ni la maduresa, ni els recursos, evidentment,

neither maturity nor resources, obviously,

que tenim ara.

what we have now.

Clar, però llavors també, jo penso que també hi ha com un

Sure, but then also, I think there is also like a

ressorgiment

renaissance

de, no?, de les cendres

from, right?, from the ashes

en el que,

in which,

en aquests moments

at this moment

de dir, bueno, se m'ha anat la vida a la merda,

to say, well, my life has gone to hell,

em sento incapaç,

I feel incapable.

em sento culpable,

I feel guilty,

em sento malament, tinc ràbia, tinc, no?

I feel bad, I am angry, I have, right?

Tinc que copiar-los

I have to copy them.

del cotxe, saps què vull dir?

from the car, you know what I mean?

Ojalà l'atropellaran un camió

I hope a truck hits him.

encarregat de mierda, no? O sigui, clar,

shit job, right? I mean, of course,

tot això, no?, tots aquests pensaments

all this, right? all these thoughts

que tens

what do you have

existeixen, però alhora penso

they exist, but at the same time I think

que et fa

What makes you

més conscient de qui tu ets,

more aware of who you are,

què vols, quin tipus de relacions vols tenir,

What do you want, what kind of relationships do you want to have?

i tot i que,

and although,

no sé, potser un dia hem de fer un episodi

I don't know, maybe one day we should make an episode.

del després, no?

of the after, right?

Què passa realment després quan intentes tenir

What really happens afterwards when you try to have.

relacions saludables i vens

healthy relationships and goods

amb, no?, amb uns...

with, right?, with some...

Amb totes aquestes ferides, amb aquesta

With all these wounds, with this

pilota mortal...

deadly ball...

Que estàs alerta en plan de

That you are alert in a plan of

si puja una cella li dic que no, saps?, ja, tot.

If a brow is raised, I tell him no, you know? Yeah, everything.

Ja, ja, no, no...

Yes, yes, no, no...

Sí, sí, tot.

Yes, yes, everything.

Huele a relació tòxica, no, gràcies, no?

It smells like a toxic relationship, no thanks, right?

Clar, ja estàs molt alerta,

Sure, you are already very alert,

però clar, jo penso que també

but of course, I think so too

s'ha de viure, no?

You have to live, right?

Tant de bo poguéssim aprendre de les experiències

I wish we could learn from experiences.

d'una altra persona, però jo penso que...

of another person, but I think that...

Clar, som humans

Of course, we are human.

i hem d'acord a nosaltres a la pedra, no?

And we have to agree on this with us at the stone, right?

I a vegades, bueno, a vegades és una ensopagadeta

And sometimes, well, sometimes it's a bit tedious.

petita i a vegades et pots fins dalt

small and sometimes you can even go up to the top

i acabes sent gran pel camí

and you end up being great along the way

i arrastrant-te, no?

and dragging you along, right?

Jo m'agrada molt això que dius

I really like what you are saying.

perquè potser

because perhaps

he arribat

I have arrived.

a donar gràcies, potser seria exagerar

to give thanks, perhaps it would be an exaggeration

una mica, no? Però sí que

A little, right? But yes, indeed.

ser conscient

to be aware

de que gràcies

Thank you.

la falta

the lack

de respecte

of respect

que ell va tenir cap a mi,

that he had towards me,

jo vaig poder ser

I was able to be

capaç de veure la falta de respecte

capable of seeing the lack of respect

que jo mateixa tenia

that I myself had

cap a mi. Llavors,

towards me. Then,

per a mi va ser, doncs,

for me it was, therefore,

un obrir d'ulls molt brutal

a very brutal eye-opening

al dir

to say

mare, és que no és ell

Mom, it's just that it's not him.

qui t'està faltant el respecte,

who is being disrespectful to you,

ets tu qui t'estàs faltant el respecte

you are the one who is disrespecting yourself

i mentre tu no et respectis

and while you do not respect yourself

i t'estimis,

and you love him/her,

ell no t'estimarà ni et respectarà.

He will neither love you nor respect you.

I si tu per estimar-te i respectar-te

And if I love and respect you

has de sortir d'aquesta relació,

you have to leave this relationship,

el que has de fer,

what you have to do,

i de fet va ser el que a mi em va fer

and indeed it was what made me

donar el pas de dir

to give the step to say

Marc, que poc a poquet t'estàs estimant,

Marc, you're slowly starting to love yourself.

o sigui, veient

that is to say, seeing

com malament que ell m'estimava i com poc

How badly he loved me and how little.

que ell em respectava, jo vaig prendre

that he respected me, I took

consciència de com malament que jo m'estimava

awareness of how badly I loved myself

i que

and that

la mateixa i de com poc

the same and how little

que jo m'estava respectant.

that I was respecting myself.

I en el moment que jo vaig poder començar a fer aquest treball

And at the moment I was able to start doing this work

de dir

to say

què pots fer, Marc, per estimar-te més

What can you do, Marc, to love yourself more?

i millor, i què pots fer, Marc,

And better, what can you do, Marc,

per respectar-te més i millor,

to respect you more and better,

va ser quan tots aquests

it was when all these

patrons es van anar trencant

patterns began to break.

jo vaig veure

I saw.

que sí era capaç de.

that I was indeed capable of.

A part, jo no,

Apart from that, not me,

just abans de separar-me, va ser

just before I separated, it was

quan jo vaig publicar un llibre

when I published a book

i el que deies abans

And what you were saying before.

de, ui, és que

oh, it's just that

la teva llibertat no m'agrada tal, doncs ell

I don't like your freedom like that, so he.

quan jo vaig començar a posar límits

when I began to set boundaries

i dic, no, fins aquí,

I say, no, up to here.

no, això no t'ho permeto,

no, I don't allow you to do that,

no, no ho tornis a aixecar de veu,

no, don’t raise your voice again,

sempre em respecta, sempre em respecta

always respects me, always respects me

cap a mi.

towards me.

Ell va

He goes.

em deia això,

He told me this,

hòstia, com t'estan pujant els fons,

wow, how your funds are increasing,

hòstia,

holy shit,

la diosa, ja està,

the goddess, that's it,

ui, com que ha escrit un llibre,

oh, since you have written a book,

ui, mira-la, jo vaig començar a fer

oh, look at her, I started to do

molts cursos de creixement personal,

many personal growth courses,

a dirigir cursos de creixement personal

to lead personal development courses

i clar, per mi això va ser una

And of course, for me this was a

obertura de ment brutal, de dir

brutal opening of mind, to say

a veure, és que tu pots

let's see, it's just that you can

triar, què vols

choose, what do you want

i què no vols, no hi ha ningú

And what do you not want, there is no one.

a fora que pugui triar

outside that I can choose

per tu. A mi tot això, doncs clar,

for you. All of this for me, well of course,

em va fer començar a posar límits

it made me start to set boundaries

saludables per mi,

healthy for me,

no per ell, evidentment, perquè ell volia

not for him, obviously, because he wanted

el que tenia, i en el moment que jo vaig

what I had, and at the moment that I went

començar a trencar aquests

start to break these

patrons de dir fins aquí,

patterns of saying until here,

això allò no m'ho facis més,

don't do that to me again,

això ja no ho permeto,

I won't allow this anymore,

en aquell moment ell va començar a

at that moment he began to

fer aquest tipus de comentaris de

make comments like these about

hòsties, hòstia com

Wow, wow how!

li pugen els fums aquesta,

this one is getting high on fumes,

estàs molt pujadeta, eh?

you're feeling quite high, aren't you?

Esteu, quan jo deia el millor

You are, when I said the best

cuidado, el millor, ell estava dient

careful, the best, he was saying

no m'aixequis la veu,

don't raise your voice at me,

si estàvem parlant i el seu

if we were talking and his

to anava pujant, pujant, sisplau

I was going up, going up, please.

no pugis el to de veu.

don't raise your voice.

Uf, hòstia, hòstia

Phew, wow, wow.

quins fums, la reina de ma casa,

what smokes, the queen of my house,

en aquest, o sigui,

in this, I mean,

bueno, clar, perquè ells

well, of course, because they

em diuen que aquella, aquella batalla,

they tell me that that, that battle,

el drac guanyava,

the dragon was winning,

en quin moment, o sigui, com de

at what moment, I mean, how of

desesperat, entre cometes, es devia

desperate, in quotation marks, it must have been

veure ja perdent el control total

seeing already losing total control

per dir, bueno, es queda

To say, well, it stays.

treure ja totes les cartes,

to reveal all the cards now,

totes, totes, per avançar,

all, all, to move forward,

perquè això, estic perdent

because of this, I am losing

el control, o sigui, ell està agafant

the control, that is, he is taking

el seu, no de la relació, mira

his, not of the relationship, look.

ell, el meu propi control,

he, my own control,

quan ell va començar a veure que jo

when he started to see that I

començava, igual amb els nens,

it began, just like with the kids,

no, a qui no t'hi fiquis,

no, don't get involved with him/her.

això, també et dic, no li

this, I also tell you, does not apply to him

diguis, quan vas a les cartes,

tell me, when are you going to the cards,

què està passant? Hi ha unes cartes

What is happening? There are some letters.

desesperades que sempre són les mateixes,

desperate that they are always the same,

que és, ens casem, tenim

what is it, we are getting married, we have

fills, sempre són les mateixes,

children, they are always the same,

si rius perquè és veritat,

if you laugh because it's true,

sempre són les mateixes. I no hi vaig caure, per sort.

it's always the same. And I didn't fall for it, fortunately.

Bueno, però hi ha, però sí,

Well, but there is, but yes,

hi ha molta gent que hi cau, llavors,

there are many people who fall for it, then,

per què? Perquè llavors és com,

Why? Because then it's like,

quan més lligat ho tenim, un tema és l'econòmic,

the more tied up it is, one issue is the economic one,

no? O sigui, si pots lligar

No? I mean, if you can hook up.

l'econòmic, millor.

the economic, better.

Si l'econòmic no el pots lligar, llavors és

If you can't tie the economic one, then it is

de lligar l'emocional, llavors l'emocional,

to untie the emotional, then the emotional,

és fills o

is children or

casar-se. És molt bèstia,

to get married. It's very crazy,

però...

but...

Clar, clar, clar, tu has d'estar al control.

Of course, of course, of course, you have to be in control.

Hem de tenir aquest control.

We need to have this control.

Sí, sí. Llavors, també,

Yes, yes. Then, also,

les relacions acostumen a anar molt

Relationships tend to go very well.

ràpid, sempre. O sigui, sempre és

fast, always. That is, always is

com coneixes, punt, punt, i els tres meus,

as you know, dot, dot, and my three,

perquè ells no poden aguantar gaire un amor

because they cannot endure love for long

que no és real, llavors han de ficar

that is not real, then they have to put in

responsabilitats en aquest amor,

responsibilities in this love,

que això vol dir viure junts ràpidament,

that this means living together quickly,

presentar-te a la família

introducing yourself to the family

ràpidament.

quickly.

Ràpidament tot, perquè, clar,

Quickly everything, because, of course,

no podran sostenir una falsedat

they will not be able to sustain a falsehood

que no forma part de la realitat.

that is not part of reality.

En el meu cas, vincular-se amb els meus fills,

In my case, connecting with my children,

clar, era superimportant quan abans

of course, it was super important before

es vinculés amb els meus fills i abans

you are linked with my children and before

em mostrés a mi que la meva

showed me that my

vida seria millor si

life would be better if

ell estava present per ajudar-me

He was there to help me.

amb els nens. Vaig

with the kids. I went

a la piríssim i els dos o tres

to the very end and the two or three

mesos estava vivint a casa meva amb els meus fills.

For months, I was living at home with my children.

Amb una excusa de

With an excuse of

tal, jo aportaré, poso

such, I will contribute, I put

tot el que jo m'estalvio de tenir a casa meva,

everything that I save by having at my home,

ho aportaré a casa teva per tu i pels

I'll bring it to your house for you and for them.

teus fills. L'any ja va buscar

your children. The year has already sought

les estratègies. Ah, clar, clar,

the strategies. Ah, of course, of course,

clar. Però, vincular-se al

clear. But, to be linked to the

màxim i el més ràpid possible.

maximum and as fast as possible.

Són uns cracs, no?

They are great, aren't they?

I saps què passa?

And do you know what happens?

Que, ostres, jo penso que

Wow, I think that

en parlem poc d'aquestes coses

we don't talk much about these things

perquè d'alguna manera pensem que

because in some way we think that

la roba bruta renta a casa

dirty laundry washes at home

i, clar,

Yes, of course.

amb aquest

with this

tipus de pensament normalitzem

types of thinking we normalize

coses que no són normals.

things that are not normal.

Perquè després a mi m'ha passat de

Because then it has happened to me that

tallar la relació i, ostres,

cut off the relationship and, wow,

tothom... Home, ahir es veia que aquest

everyone... Man, yesterday it was clear that this

noi... I és com...

dude... it's like...

Què vol dir que ja es veia que aquest noi

What does it mean that it was already evident that this boy

no anava a fi?

Was it not going to end?

Clar, m'ho hagués... Bueno,

Of course, I would have... Well,

no sé si m'ho haguessis pogut dir, no? Que potser jo

I don't know if you could have told me, right? Maybe I...

tampoc no hagués estat receptiva per rebre-ho.

she also would not have been receptive to receiving it.

Segurament no.

Probably not.

Segurament no, no? Però és com...

Probably not, right? But it's like...

M'acaben tots, saps? Tothom ho veia

They all finish me off, you know? Everyone could see it.

i jo aquí...

and me here...

És que era molt desagradable.

It was very unpleasant.

I és com... Sí, quan em vaig

And it's like... Yes, when I go

separar... Ai, menys mal, mare.

separate... Oh, thank goodness, mother.

Hòstia, menys mal perquè aquest...

Damn, thank goodness because this...

Sí, sí.

Yes, yes.

Després resulta que tothom ho veia,

Then it turns out that everyone saw it,

saps? I penses... O la gent em deia

you know? And you think... Or people told me

clar, tu amb aquesta energia tan alegre,

of course, you with that joyful energy,

no? Tan no sé què i tal...

No? I don't know what and such...

I era com...

It was like...

El ginecòleg m'ho ha dit.

The gynecologist told me.

Sí, no t'ho

Yes, I won't tell you.

prometo. O sigui, el ginecòleg em va dir

I promise. That is, the gynecologist told me.

és que aquest noi, clar,

it's just that this boy, of course,

jo pensava que li caia malament, em deia

I thought he/she didn't like me, he/she used to tell me.

el ginecòleg.

the gynecologist.

T'imagines? Un paio que jo

Can you imagine? A guy that I

deia cada quatre mesos per fer una revisió

said every four months for a check-up

i no sé què, i el tio ja deia

and I don't know what, and the guy was already saying

clar, jo em veia amb una energia molt diferent de la teva,

Sure, I saw myself with a very different energy from yours.

no sé... O sigui,

I don't know... I mean,

clar, després la gent et sorprèn, no?

Of course, then people surprise you, right?

De...

From...

Hòstia, tothom estava en la onda

Wow, everyone was in the groove.

i jo estava baixant de la parra,

and I was coming down from the grapevine,

saps? Amb tot això,

you know? With all this,

no? Que després, clar, després entres

No? Because then, of course, afterwards you come in.

com en un moment de revisió, en el que

as in a moment of review, in which

et van venint imatges.

Images kept coming to you.

Bueno, no? Van venint

Well, right? They're coming.

imatges, situacions...

images, situations...

Però després, quan estàs puenjets,

But then, when you are up...

fora d'aquí, és quan

out of here, it's when

ets a veure i a dir

you are to see and to say

uf, hòstia, això, uf, com rexina,

uf, damn, this, uf, like resin,

clar, ràbia...

of course, anger...

Una ràbia que, vamos,

A rage that, come on,

que faries un martell, jo et digui

What would you do with a hammer, I tell you.

que jo tenia les ganes d'estruir-se el cotxe,

that I felt like destroying the car,

que no et fas una idea, o sigui,

that you can't imagine, I mean,

era com, li rebento les rodes,

it was like, I burst the tires,

li envio hisenda, que li faci

I send it to the tax office, let them do it.

una... Clar, t'agafa una

one... Sure, it catches you a

ràbia de tot plegat, no?

anger about it all, right?

Perquè penses, com he sigut

Why do you think, how have I been?

capaç d'aguantar

capable of enduring

tot això? Saps què penso?

All this? Do you know what I think?

Quan dius això d'això, la roba bruta

When you say this about that, the dirty laundry.

renta a casa, no? Aquestes coses no es comparteixen,

clean at home, right? These things are not shared,

no s'expliquen. Crec que una

they are not explained. I think one

part molt important de no

very important part of no

voler explicar aquestes coses

want to explain these things

és que

it's that

en el moment que tu ho estàs compartint

at the moment you are sharing it

estàs assumint que ets una víctima.

you are assuming that you are a victim.

A ningú li agrada assumir que és una

No one likes to admit that it is one.

víctima. Llavors, en el moment que tu

victim. Then, at the moment that you

estan dins... Quan estàs

they are inside... When are you

fora de la relació ja és una altra història,

outside the relationship is a different story,

és una altra color, no? Però quan estàs

It's another color, isn't it? But when you are

dins, clar, si tu

inside, of course, if you

comparteixes amb la teva família

Do you share with your family?

i amb els teus amics, mires que

and with your friends, you see that

m'ha posat càmeres a casa, és que

he has put cameras in my house, it's just that

quan entro i surto de casa i em

when I enter and leave the house and I

pregunta on has anat a les 11,

question where did you go at 11,

i amb qui has quedat, i qui ha vingut avui

And who did you meet with, and who has come today?

a casa, que he vist no sé què, i

at home, that I have seen I don't know what, and

clar, si tu estàs en aquestes situacions

Of course, if you are in these situations.

que estàs a dins i ho comparteixes amb

that you are inside and share it with

algú a tirant dià, però que

someone is shooting during the day, but what

no ho veus, llavors tu...

you don't see it, then you...

Hi ha una part de tu que sap,

There is a part of you that knows,

també. Hi ha una part de tu que sap que

also. There is a part of you that knows that

hi ha coses que no són normals.

There are things that are not normal.

És a dir, que hi ha... Però

That is to say, there is... But

d'alguna manera penses,

in some way you think,

bueno, ve amb el pac, no?

Well, comes with the pac, right?

O sigui, ve amb el pac, hi ha gent que no li

So, he/she comes with the pac, there are people who don't like it.

agraden les olives, doncs aquest tio, doncs

He likes olives, so this guy, so...

no, té aquestes coses, no?

No, it has these things, doesn't it?

No, no, no, no, no.

Clar, no, no, és així, no?

Of course, no, it is like that, right?

També et dic, jo penso que

I also tell you, I think that

hi ha un moment com de despertar, o sigui,

there is a moment like waking up, that is,

jo recordo de...

I remember about...

de comentar amb ma mare,

to talk with my mother,

amb les meves amigues, de... Estic començant

with my friends, from... I'm starting

a pensar que és narcisista,

thinking that he is narcissistic,

perquè em quadra tot, no? Em quadra...

because it all fits for me, right? It fits for me...

Clar, i a més, a mi em passava que

Of course, and moreover, it happened to me that

jo escric llibres d'això, saps què vull dir?

I write books about this, you know what I mean?

O sigui, que era molt

So, it was very

fort, perquè era com...

strong, because it was like...

Estic veient coses que...

I'm seeing things that...

Quan s'activa el cervell racional

When the rational brain is activated

i l'emoció baixa,

and the emotion lowers,

és quan comences a veure

it's when you start to see

que faltes

that you miss

perquè us quiero, saps? A correr

because I love you, you know? Let's run

tots d'aquí, perquè no

everyone from here, why not

té sentit, no?

It makes sense, right?

Però és molt dur, és molt

But it is very hard, it is very.

dur, o sigui, ara ens podem riure

hard, like, so now we can laugh

d'això, però, clar, no...

about that, though, clearly not...

No, no, és molt dur.

No, no, it's very hard.

És un patiment

It is a suffering.

exactament. Estat d'alerta

exactly. State of alert

constant. Jo ho resolviria

constant. I would solve it.

així, per mi, eh?

so, for me, you know?

Era un estat d'alerta constant.

It was a state of constant alert.

I el que deies abans, quan sortia per la porta,

And what you said before, when I was leaving through the door,

era com...

it was like...

Quin descans, i quan

What rest, and when?

entrava per la porta, atracó

entered through the door, docked

totes les alarmes

all the alarms

i tot el sistema nerviós

and the entire nervous system

en alerta d'una

in alert of one

meravella, un gest,

wonder, a gesture,

un... Sí, és horrorós, sí, és...

One... Yes, it's horrifying, yes, it is...

Sí, jo crec

Yes, I believe.

que hauríem de fer un episodi sobre el cos.

we should do an episode about the body.

Jo penso que

I think that

no hem parlat gaire del cos, però, clar,

we haven't talked much about the body, but, of course,

hi ha coses, o sigui, de cop i volta

there are things, I mean, all of a sudden

està malalta constantment, el glucose

she is constantly sick, the glucose

comença a posar malalt, no tens

starts to get sick, you don't have

energia, cansament,

energy, fatigue,

no? Com que la teva energia s'escapa,

No? Since your energy is escaping,

no? Jo crec que això és una cosa també que passa

No? I think this is something that happens too.

molt i que... Jo sempre crec

a lot and that... I always believe

que el cos sempre és l'última a enterar-se,

that the body is always the last to know,

però si no t'enteres, el cos

but if you don't realize, the body

et crida, d'acord? Llavors,

he's calling you, okay? Then,

si et crida el cos, és que hi ha alguna cosa

if your body calls you, it means there is something

que no va bé.

that is not going well.

Enhorabona.

Congratulations.

Sí, hi ha alguna cosa que no va bé, no?

Yes, there's something that isn't right, isn't there?

Però sí, sí.

But yes, yes.

Bueno, aquesta ha sigut la nostra història sobre

Well, this has been our story about

les relacions tòxiques que

toxic relationships that

hem tingut de diferents colors.

we have had different colors.

I també volem escoltar les vostres

And we also want to hear yours.

històries, no? Que segur que teniu històries

Stories, right? You must have stories.

de relacions tòxiques

of toxic relationships

que heu viscut, que esteu vivint,

that you have lived, that you are living,

que potser hi ha coses que us han ressonat.

that perhaps there are things that have resonated with you.

Al final, compartís

In the end, you shared.

de guapes, no? Jo penso que

of beautiful ones, right? I think that

s'ha de compartir,

it must be shared,

perquè tots aprenem, no?

because we all learn, right?

I és important

And it is important

tenir aquestes converses en veu alta, no?

having these conversations out loud, right?

Perquè, si no, només és si tens la sort

Because, if not, it's only if you have luck.

que hi ha algú que ho ha viscut,

that there is someone who has lived it,

si tens la sort que coneixes algú

if you are lucky enough to know someone

que ho expliqui, no?

let it explain, right?

Així que, bueno, esperem que

So, well, let's hope that

us hagi servit

has served you

i amb ganes d'escoltar

and looking forward to listening

més sobre aquests temes