T1xC1 - Paula Valls: plantar cara a l'anorèxia

Catalunya Ràdio. Catalunya Àudio. Som podcast.

Catalonia Radio. Catalonia Audio. We are podcast.

Quan em van diagnosticar un càncer de mama, tot va canviar.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, everything changed.

Com tantes i tantes dones, durant molts mesos he pogut transitar per una autopista molt complicada.

Like so many women, for many months I have been able to traverse a very complicated highway.

He passat pors i angoixes, però també he après moltes coses i he conegut persones molt especials.

I have experienced fears and anxieties, but I have also learned many things and met very special people.

Gràcies a la ciència i a la gent que m'estima, ho he superat.

Thanks to science and the people who love me, I have overcome it.

Sovint la vida ens posa a prova, amb un càncer o amb d'altres problemes greus.

Often life tests us, with cancer or other serious problems.

Quan tens la sort de tirar endavant, compartir el que has viscut pot ser una bona ajuda

When you have the luck to move forward, sharing what you have experienced can be a great help.

pels qui ara es troben on tu vas ser.

for those who now find themselves where you once were.

Avui compartiré conversa amb la cantant Paula Valls.

Today I will have a conversation with the singer Paula Valls.

Ella va patir una anorèxia que la va obligar a parar força temps la seva carrera artística.

She suffered from anorexia that forced her to stop her artistic career for a long time.

Ara allò ha quedat enrere. Ho ha superat.

Now that is behind. He/She has overcome it.

Que sigui el temps que ens guanyi a tu i a mi

Let time be the one that wins for you and me.

Només trobar-nos al passat

Only finding ourselves in the past

Ets tu

It's you.

Paula, quina veu més bonica.

Paula, what a beautiful voice.

Paula, què has superat?

Paula, what have you overcome?

Doncs un trastorn de conducta alimentària, que en el meu cas,

Well, an eating disorder, which in my case,

el nom que li van donar era anorèxia nerviosa.

The name they gave her was anorexia nervosa.

Anorèxia nerviosa.

Anorexia nervosa.

Sí.

Yes.

Ara tens 24 anys.

Now you are 24 years old.

Sí.

Yes.

Ens portem uns anys, tu i jo.

We have been together for a few years, you and I.

Som de dues generacions, però m'agradarà molt que t'expliquis aquesta història de superació.

We are from two generations, but I will really enjoy you telling me this story of overcoming.

Perquè, quant ha durat aquesta malaltia?

Because, how long has this illness lasted?

Anorèxia?

Anorexia?

Anorèxia, que pateixen milers de dones a Catalunya, milers de dones joves.

Anorexia, which affects thousands of women in Catalonia, thousands of young women.

Per això vull conèixer molt bé el teu cas.

That's why I want to understand your case very well.

Doncs, a veure, quant ha durat?

Well, let's see, how long has it lasted?

És una pregunta que jo molt sovint em faig.

It is a question that I often ask myself.

Sí que és veritat que vaig començar a perdre molt de pes durant el confinament per la Covid.

It is true that I began to lose a lot of weight during the lockdown for Covid.

Però, clar, jo crec que analitzant, si anem enrere, analitzant la meva infantesa i això,

But, of course, I think that by analyzing, if we go back, analyzing my childhood and all that,

jo ja hi ha hagut moments que no tenia una bona relació ni amb el meu cos,

I have already had moments when I didn't have a good relationship even with my body.

ni una relació sana amb el menjar.

not a healthy relationship with food.

Llavors, crec que és una cosa que fa temps que s'estava...

Then, I think it's something that has been going on for a while...

s'estava cuinant, no?

It was cooking, right?

I recordes quin és el moment que te n'adones que estic patint anorèxia?

And do you remember when you realized that I was suffering from anorexia?

És que jo no me'n vaig adonar.

I didn't realize it.

Ah, no? Els altres.

Oh, no? The others.

Sí, la meva mare i la meva àvia.

Yes, my mother and my grandmother.

Ah.

Ah.

Sí, jo sempre dic que...

Yes, I always say that...

I, a més a més, la meva avi...

I, moreover, my grandfather...

Les mares i les àvies ho donen.

Mothers and grandmothers give it.

Jo sempre dic que l'àvia és molt bruixa, perquè l'àvia tampoc em podia veure.

I always say that grandma is very witchy because grandma couldn't see me either.

O sigui, és a dir, estàvem en ple confinament, no?

So, that is to say, we were in full lockdown, right?

Però, no sé, suposo que per la veu, també, per les fotos, és tot plat.

But, I don't know, I suppose it's for the voice, too, for the photos, it's all set.

Bueno, elles es van adonar que això que...

Well, they realized that this...

Estava perdent molt de pes i, sobretot, a taula, que m'ho passava malament la meva mare.

I was losing a lot of weight, and above all, at the table, my mother was having a hard time.

I la meva mare, clar, ho va comunicar al meu pare,

And my mother, of course, communicated it to my father,

tot i que m'ho intentava comunicar a mi, jo m'enfadava amb ella,

even though she was trying to communicate it to me, I would get angry with her,

perquè, de cop i volta, es va compartir amb la meva enamiga,

because, all of a sudden, it was shared with my crush,

perquè atacava, doncs, aquesta malaltia en la qual jo estava, doncs, enganxada, no?

Why was this disease attacking, then, the one I was, then, stuck in, right?

I ella va ser qui va insistir, doncs, que ho fes uns anàlisis.

She was the one who insisted that I get some tests done.

Jo soc vegetariana ja des de fa, potser, vuit anys.

I have been a vegetarian for perhaps eight years now.

I, de tant en tant, doncs, m'agrada anar fent un xec, no?

I, from time to time, therefore, like to write a check, right?

Sí.

Yes.

I, bueno, no em tocava, però, al final, per pesada,

Well, it wasn't my turn, but in the end, to be persistent,

com que jo, clar, em veia estupenda, al final, em vaig anar a fer aquests anàlisis

Since I, of course, saw myself as wonderful, in the end, I went to get these tests done.

i va ser quan ens van donar els resultats, que, clar, estava tot malament.

It was when they gave us the results that, of course, everything was wrong.

Clar.

Sure.

Llavors, va ser en aquell moment que, de cop i volta, vaig veure que alguna cosa no anava bé.

Then, it was at that moment that, all of a sudden, I saw that something was wrong.

No sabia què era, però me'n vaig adonar més que per el que em va dir aquella infermera,

I didn't know what it was, but I realized it more because of what that nurse told me.

bueno, aquella doctora, per com va canviar l'expressió de la meva mare.

Well, that doctor, by how my mother's expression changed.

Sí.

Yes.

I vas lluitar els ulls, no?

You fought with your eyes, didn't you?

Sí, vaig veure, bueno, estava molt trista.

Yes, I saw, well, she was very sad.

Per què passa, no?

Why does it happen, right?

En el teu cas, tu vas entendre per què et va passar?

In your case, did you understand why it happened to you?

No sé si ara que vivim, també, tan enganxats tots els joves a les xarxes socials,

I don't know if now that we live, also, so hooked all the young people to social networks,

tothom, no?, vol mantenir una estètica en la que es vegi prim i fa que hi hagi cada vegada més casos.

Everyone, right?, wants to maintain an aesthetic in which one looks slim, and it is leading to more and more cases.

En el teu cas, tenies una pressió com a artista, com a cantant, també?

In your case, did you feel pressure as an artist, as a singer, too?

No, jo crec que, en el meu cas, o sigui, va ser més l'obsessió pel control.

No, I think that, in my case, I mean, it was more about the obsession with control.

És a dir, jo soc una persona molt obsessiva.

That is to say, I am a very obsessive person.

I, clar, durant el confinament, jo tenia uns plans i, de fet, jo havia de gravar un disc que estàvem treballant en aquell moment,

I, of course, during the lockdown, I had some plans and, in fact, I had to record an album that we were working on at that time,

estàvem en preproducció.

we were in pre-production.

De cop i volta, doncs, tots els plans que has fet, bueno, es tomben als concerts que tenia, no?

Suddenly, then, all the plans you made, well, they turn upside down due to the concerts I had, right?

De cop i volta, em vaig quedar sense feina.

Suddenly, I lost my job.

A la uni, la carrera que estava estudiant, les classes, la família, la parella, la tenia a Barcelona

At university, the degree I was studying, the classes, the family, the partner, I had in Barcelona.

i jo estava confinada a Manlleu, em vaig quedar a Manlleu.

And I was confined in Manlleu, I stayed in Manlleu.

No estava ni a casa meva.

I wasn't even at my own house.

No, perquè jo vivia ja aquí a Barna, però, mira, per coses de la vida, em vaig quedar a Manlleu, no?

No, because I was already living here in Barna, but, you know, because of life's circumstances, I ended up staying in Manlleu, right?

Clar, jo, el resum fàcil és que, en aquell moment, perdo el control de tot.

Sure, the simple summary is that, at that moment, I lose control of everything.

Jo, com a persona obsessiva del control, no?

Me, as a control-obsessed person, right?

Llavors, és fàcil que el meu cap digués, bueno, doncs, com a mínim, deixeu que l'única cosa que controlo sigui el que ingereixo.

Then, it's easy for my mind to say, well, at least let the only thing I control be what I ingest.

El que ingereixo.

What I ingest.

Això és el que et deies, el teu cap es deia...

This is what you told yourself, your head said...

Bueno, clar, això ho he après amb el temps.

Well, of course, I learned this over time.

O sigui, en aquell moment, era com automàtic.

So, at that moment, it was like automatic.

És com, no...

It's like, no...

No tenia ganes de menjar, m'ho passava teta cuinant, ara cuinava pels altres, no menjava jo.

I wasn't in the mood to eat, I was having a great time cooking, now I was cooking for others, I wasn’t eating myself.

Era també com una forma, jo ho veig com de desaparèixer, però sense molestar, no?

It was also like a form, I see it as disappearing, but without bothering, right?

Perquè a mi també, bueno, soc una persona molt perfeccionista i no m'agrada mai quedar malament

Because I am also, well, I am a very perfectionistic person and I never like to look bad.

i m'ha costat molt, bueno, m'està costant molt aprendre a dir que no.

It has been very difficult for me, well, it is very difficult for me to learn to say no.

Clar, jo crec que era com la manera de, bueno, no enfrontar-me a dir que no podia,

Of course, I think it was like a way of, well, not facing saying that I couldn't,

però, bueno, ja ho deia el meu cos per mi, perquè el meu cos anava desapareixent.

but, well, my body was already telling me, because my body was disappearing.

S'anava fent petit, anava emmalaltint, jo cada vegada tenia menys energia,

It was getting smaller, it was getting sicker, I was having less and less energy.

llavors, com era la manera de no dir que no, no?

So, what was the way to not say no, right?

No.

No.

noteta, però és preciós

note it, but it’s beautiful

llavors és aquesta

then it is this

com senzillesa, que a vegades no cal

with simplicity, that sometimes it is not necessary

no cal lligar-nos

there's no need to tie ourselves

molt o no cal

a lot or not necessary

obsessionar-nos molt amb les coses, a vegades

to become very obsessed with things, sometimes

fer-ho fàcil és el millor

Making it easy is the best.

llavors és una cançó que no sé, que sempre

then it is a song that I don't know, that always

hi he provat molt, aquesta cançó

I have tried a lot, this song.

i és una cançó

and it is a song

que m'agrada molt, em dona com una mena de pau

I really like it, it gives me a sense of peace.

Paula, és aquest son?

Paula, is this sleep?

Sí

Yes

senzillíssim

very simple

però preciós, és això

but beautiful, is this

la simplicitat de les coses

the simplicity of things

Paula, expliquem-me

Paula, tell me.

avui hi ha moltes dones i homes

Today there are many women and men.

que ens escolten, joves

"That they listen to us, young people."

quant de temps vas estar hospitalitzada?

How long were you hospitalized?

L'últim tractament

The last treatment

que vaig fer, jo vaig fer

what I did, I did

jo parlo com de tres tractaments

I speak about three treatments.

vaig estar primer

I was first.

en un centre que es diu ITA

in a center called ITA

que no sé quants mesos hi vaig estar

that I don't know how many months I was there

ni quantes setmanes, vull dir, no ho sé

neither how many weeks, I mean, I don't know

llavors vaig estar

then I was

vaig marxar d'allà perquè em va donar la sensació

I left there because it gave me the feeling.

que no acabava com de girar-ho

that it didn't quite finish turning it

vaig agafar els professionals que necessitava

I got the professionals I needed.

com per separat, com vam fer l'equip

as separately, as we did the team

una mica al nostre gust, amb terapeuta

a little to our liking, with therapist

psiquiatra, nutricionista

psychiatrist, nutritionist

a veure, les figures, terapeuta

let's see, the figures, therapist

psiquiatra, nutricionista

psychiatrist, nutritionist

i és habitual que et demanin

and it is common for them to ask you.

també altres proves

also other tests

per exemple, a mi m'han mirat també la densitat

for example, they have also looked at my density

dels ossos com la tenia

of the bones as she had it

hi ha gent que ha posat de mirar, per exemple

there are people who have started to watch, for example

tot el tema que el cos desaprèn

the whole issue that the body unlearns

a ingerir aliments

to ingest food

llavors, bueno, com cada cop

so, well, like every time

el cos, el que vol és treure'ls

the body, what it wants is to take them out

què està passant aquí, per què no està funcionant

What is happening here, why is it not working?

llavors, és molt habitual

then, it is very common

que et demanin més proves

to ask you for more tests

i sobretot moltes analítiques, cada dos per tres

And especially many tests, every two by three.

llavors, bueno, en aquest segon tractament

so, well, in this second treatment

diguéssim, vam agafar com l'equip

let's say, we took it as the team

així per separat

thus separately

però tampoc em va ajudar prou

but it didn't help me enough either

perquè necessitava més, bueno,

because I needed more, well,

algú que em vigilés més hores, pràcticament

someone to watch over me more hours, practically

llavors vaig començar a hospital de dia

then I started at the day hospital

i bueno

And good

el meu horari allà era de 9 de la nit

My schedule there was at 9 at night.

a pràcticament 7 de la tarda

at almost 7 in the evening

i allà sí que va funcionar

and there it did work

quan estaves hospitalitzada

when you were hospitalized

a mi em va passar també quan estava

It happened to me too when I was.

hospitalitzada, superant el càncer de mama

hospitalized, overcoming breast cancer

és quan t'adones

it's when you realize

que la vida no s'atura

that life doesn't stop

que tu estàs parada i que estem a dins de l'hospital

that you are standing still and that we are inside the hospital

i que la vida continua

and that life goes on

i tu vols ser a fora, però en aquell moment

and you want to be outside, but at that moment

t'has de guarir, t'has de curar

You have to heal, you have to cure yourself.

llavors, en aquell moment

then, at that moment

a l'hospital t'adonaves

at the hospital you realized

que la vida és molt fràgil

that life is very fragile

i que cal molt de la nostra

and that we need a lot from ours

part i de la nostra valentia, no?

part of our bravery, right?

Sí, bueno, això també cap al final

Yes, well, that too towards the end.

perquè clar, a mi durant la malaltia

because of course, during my illness

jo vaig passar molts moments que no em volia

I went through many moments when I didn't want to.

recuperar

recover

no, clar

no, of course

una anorexia, o sigui

an anorexia, I mean

un trastorn de conducta alimentària es viu molt

an eating disorder is experienced very deeply

com una addicció, és com que

like an addiction, it's like that

és com si hi hagués una altra

it's as if there were another one

persona a dintre teu

person inside you

i tu vius

And you live.

per la malaltia

for the illness

és com que estàs al servei

it's like you are at the service

d'aquesta malaltia, no?

of this disease, right?

Què vols dir una persona a dins teu?

What do you mean by a person inside you?

Bueno, és com si hi hagués alguna cosa a dins teu

Well, it's as if there is something inside you.

que, bueno, no ets tu

Well, it's not you.

que et parla

that speaks to you

més que parlar, et fa tenir uns símptomes

more than talking, it causes you to have symptoms

et fa, per exemple, ho vius

it makes you, for example, you live it

em perds la gana

you make me lose my appetite.

sí, per exemple

yes, for example

clar, tu quan et mires

Sure, when you look at yourself.

tens una distorsió del teu físic

you have a distortion of your physical appearance

no veus el que realment

you don't see what really

no veus com realment estàs, no?

You don't see how you really are, do you?

aquest mal humor, aquest estar

this bad mood, this being

bé, sempre t'estàs adormint

well, you are always falling asleep

llavors, clar, qualsevol persona

then, of course, anyone

que entra

that enters

com que entra i ataca

as it enters and attacks

la malaltia, perquè el que vol és

the disease, because what it wants is

atar-la, clar, vol que marxi, no?

tie her up, of course, you want me to leave, right?

doncs es converteix en un enemic teu

then it becomes your enemy

i perdona

and forgive

dius que hi ha una persona com a dins teu

you say that there is a person inside you

el nom de la persona seria Filomena?

Would the person's name be Filomena?

sí, bé, he dit persona

yes, well, I said person

però sí, jo ho vivia com estar castigada

but yes, I experienced it as being punished

reacciono i estic amb forces

I react and I am strong.

a mirar-me, potser avui

to look at me, maybe today

només ploro, potser em quedo aquí

I only cry, maybe I'll stay here.

tancada, potser prim

closed, perhaps thin

m'he de caure sense creure

I have to fall without believing.

que m'encontro

that I find myself

Filomena, diríem que és una de les

Filomena, we would say that she is one of the

cançons més punyents, no?

punchiest songs, right?

d'aquest àlbum teu començar

from this album of yours start

de nou, i Filomena

again, and Filomena

és la mateixa infermera

it's the same nurse

que li posa aquest nom, explica-me

why does it have this name, explain to me

aquest procés, perquè els que no

this process, because those who do not

hem patit anorèxia, no?

we have suffered from anorexia, right?

i aquesta persona de fora que dius

and this outsider you mention

que et parla de dins, a mi em costa d'entendre

that speaks to you from within, I find it hard to understand.

clar

clear

però segurament ara

but probably now

ens estan veient mares

they are watching us, mothers

de noies joves que volen saber

of young girls who want to know

que ens expliquis bé aquesta filògica

that you explain this philosophy to us well

sí, clar, de cop i volta

yes, of course, all of a sudden

és com que el meu entorn no entenia coses que jo feia

It's as if my environment didn't understand things I did.

o que m'enfadava

or that made me angry

o contestava, no?

either you were answering, right?

de certes maneres, llavors

in certain ways, then

a mi el que em va ajudar molt a superar

what helped me a lot to overcome

l'anorèxia és

anorexia is

posar-li un nom

give it a name

una de les infermeres quan vaig arribar a l'hospital

one of the nurses when I arrived at the hospital

de dia, doncs em va dir, bueno

during the day, she told me, well

ella posava nom a tots els TCEs

She named all the TCEs.

no?

no?

a tots els trastorns

to all disorders

de les noies que estàvem allà, no?

of the girls that we were there, right?

i en el meu cas, doncs la meva anorèxia

And in my case, well, my anorexia.

ella la va tejar com a filomena

she treated her like a filomena

i em va ajudar molt perquè

and it helped me a lot because

a vegades que jo podia contestar malament

sometimes I could respond incorrectly

perquè em posaven el plat a taula i no volia menjar

because they put the plate on the table and I didn't want to eat

clar, ella s'enfadava

Of course, she was getting angry.

i em deia, però no estic enfadada amb tu

And I told myself, but I'm not angry with you.

estic enfadada amb la filomena

I am angry with Filomena.

per jo entendre que no era culpa meva

for me to understand that it wasn't my fault

que no era culpa meva

that it wasn't my fault

no poder menjar, que no era culpa meva

not being able to eat, that it wasn't my fault

veure'm malament, que no era culpa meva

see me badly, it wasn't my fault

doncs que en cert moment hagués enganyat

so that at some point I would have deceived

hagués enganyat els meus pares

I would have deceived my parents.

i hagués fet alguna cosa que no podia fer

I would have done something I couldn't do.

no? que no em deixaven fer

no? that they didn't let me do it

llavors, és com que

then, it's like that

a mi em va anar molt bé això

this worked very well for me

perquè vaig com poder posar-li nom

because I can name it

i em vaig enfadar amb la filomena

And I got angry with Filomena.

saps?

Do you know?

ho passava malament, ho passava molt malament

I was having a hard time, I was having a very hard time.

quan em posaven el plat a taula

when they put the dish on the table

però era com, ah, d'acord, no em deixes menjar això

but it was like, oh, okay, you don't let me eat this

doncs ara m'ho menjaré

well, now I will eat it

havies de lluitar

you had to fight

amb la filomena

with the filomena

que és el que vas estar fent

What were you doing?

per guarir-te, per curar-te

to heal you, to cure you

sí

yes

i era aquesta dualitat

and it was this duality

tota l'estona

all the time

i bueno, de fet

Well, in fact

aprens a conviure amb això

you learn to live with this

evidentment rebaixa moltíssim

obviously reduces a lot

però clar

but of course

més que anul·lar-la i aniquilar-la

more than canceling it and annihilating it

per sempre més, aprens a conviure

forevermore, you learn to coexist

i el que passa que ara ja no em fa por

And what happens is that now it no longer scares me.

la meva psicòloga també em deia

my psychologist also told me

que li parlés en el meu càncer

that I spoke to him about my cancer

a tu també et deia que li parléssis

I also told you to talk to him.

en la teva anorèxia, en la teva filomena

in your anorexia, in your filomena

sí, em deia enfada't amb ella, no t'enfadis amb mi

Yes, she told me to get mad at her, don't get mad at me.

i què li deies?

And what did you tell him/her?

jo li deia que no m'ho cabreixia

I told him that it didn't bother me.

tu? et guanyaré?

You? I will win you?

només que et guanyaré li deia

"I will only win you, I was saying."

no m'ho mereixo, no té cap sentit

I don't deserve it, it makes no sense.

o sigui, hi va haver molts moments

that is, there were many moments

que clar, jo pensava, m'estàs fent creure

That clear, I thought, you are making me believe.

que no podré tornar a fer música

that I won't be able to make music again

mai més, i no m'ho mereixo

never again, and I don't deserve it

no m'ho mereixo jo, no s'ho mereixen els meus pares

I don’t deserve it, my parents don’t deserve it.

no s'ho mereix la gent que

people do not deserve it that

em segueix i que em ve a veure als concerts

follows me and comes to see me at concerts

seria molt trist

it would be very sad

que hagués de deixar de fer música

that I would have to stop making music

enfadar-me, com personificar-la

to get angry, how to personify it

em va ajudar

he helped me

em va ajudar molt

it helped me a lot

ara mateix ens mira una noia

Right now a girl is looking at us.

que potser està patint anorèxia

that may be suffering from anorexia

o aquest trastorn alimentari

or this eating disorder

què li diries?

What would you say to him/her?

que es pot superar

that can be overcome

com es pot superar?

How can it be overcome?

que aviam que és molt fotut

let's see, it's very messed up

perquè és molt fotut

because it is very messed up

com qualsevol cosa a la vida

like anything in life

però que et pots recuperar

but that you can recover

i que a més a més és molt potent recuperar-se

and that it is very powerful to recover.

i que bueno, clar

and how good, of course

com és això que et dic

how is this that I'm telling you

que és fotut perquè

that is messed up because

és molt fotut perquè ell

it's very screwed up because he

et pots deixar acompanyar

you can let yourself be accompanied

però ningú pot recuperar-se per tu

but no one can recover for you

llavors és confiant

then it is trusting

en una cosa amb la que desconfies

in something you distrust

que és amb la recuperació

what is with the recovery

i amb els professionals que t'acompanyaran

and with the professionals who will accompany you.

moltes vegades et fan fer moltes coses

many times they make you do a lot of things

que no entens, et vigilen molt

that you don't understand, they are watching you closely

et mesuren molt

they measure you a lot

i no ho entens

and you don't understand it

però has de confiar

but you have to trust

has de confiar perquè abans que tu

you have to trust because before you

hi ha hagut moltes noies que han estat ingressades

There have been many girls who have been admitted.

i que han sortit d'aquí

and that have come out of here

i els estudis diuen això

And the studies say this.

que

that

si no es tracta d'aquesta malaltia

if it is not about this disease

després al llarg dels anys

over the years

sí que és més complicada

yes, it is more complicated

però que com abans l'agafis

but the sooner you take it

abans et recuperes

the sooner you recover

i és això

and this is it

és una mica caminar per un camí

it's a bit like walking on a path

amb una vena als ulls

with a vein in the eyes

perquè no saps ben bé on et portarà

because you don't really know where it will take you

però bueno, és això

but well, that's it

totes les companyes que hem passat per allà

all the colleagues that we have passed through there

t'anem estirant també

we're pulling you too

jo sempre dic que la gent que ho està patint

I always say that the people who are suffering it

que agafi referents

that it takes references

que tiri molt de noies que han passat per aquí abans

may many girls who have passed through here before throw it away

perquè

because

potser desconfies dels professionals

perhaps you distrust professionals

però jo veia molt això

but I saw a lot of this

les companyes que feien una cosa

the companions who did one thing

amb la que no hi creien

with whom they did not believe

però que els anava bé

but that suited them well

llavors també em donava

then it also gave me

aquesta energia per dir

this energy to say

doncs jo també puc

then I can too

he esperat

I have waited.

per poder-te escriure

to be able to write to you

he sortit

I have gone out.

de dos forats

of two holes

no sé ben bé

I don't really know.

com estaré

how will I be

com he de viure

how should I live

ni si explico

nor if I explain

la veritat

the truth

un cel

a sky

opac

opaque

a cada pupila

to each pupil

Paula, jo veig que ets una dona

Paula, I see that you are a woman.

molt sensible

very sensitive

suposo que t'ha canviat

I suppose it has changed you.

passar per aquesta autopista

to go through this highway

que es diu anorexia

what is called anorexia

amb què t'ha canviat?

What has changed you?

com valores la vida de diferent manera?

How do you value life differently?

clar, tot és la hòstia

of course, everything is amazing

jo els diria a tots

I would tell them all.

que és una dona

what is a woman

que de cop i volta

that suddenly

de pensar

to think

que no gaudiria mai més

that he would never enjoy again

res

nothing

que no tornaria a pujar mai més

that would never go up again

sobre un escenari

on a stage

que ja està, s'havia acabat

that it was done, it was over

que jo ja com em donava per perduda

that I already considered myself lost

doncs de cop i volta

so suddenly

connectes amb tot

you connect with everything

és més intensa

it is more intense

també és això

it's also that

t'agafes les coses d'una altra manera

you take things differently

jo estic aprenent

I am learning.

encara això

still this

a rebaixar-me

to lower myself

aquest perfeccionisme

this perfectionism

i sí que és una cosa

and yes, it is something

a llarg termini

in the long term

però ja porto molt camí fet

but I have already come a long way

i sé que me'n queda molt més

and I know that I have much more left

i llavors qualsevol pedreta

and then any little stone

que abans era una pedraça increïble

that used to be an incredible stone

perquè escapava d'això

because I was escaping from this

jo volia controlar-ho tot

I wanted to control everything.

i escapava del que jo podia controlar

I was escaping from what I could control.

doncs ara me la miro

well, now I'm looking at it

i dic bueno, sí

I say well, yes.

m'estàs fent una putada

You're messing with me.

però no passa res

but it's okay

això puc passar per altres llocs

I can go through other places.

no sé, jo ara

I don't know, me now.

no sé, jo crec que estic passant

I don't know, I think I'm passing.

el millor moment que havia passat mai

the best moment I had ever experienced

és com que qualsevol dia

it's like any other day

és estupendo, no?

It's wonderful, isn't it?

encara que plogui, encara que faci sol

even if it rains, even if it is sunny

encara que les coses no vagin tan bé

even if things are not going so well

m'alegro a vegades que les coses no vagin bé

I sometimes rejoice that things don't go well.

perquè connecto

because I connect

i sento que no m'estan anant bé

I feel that things are not going well for me.

i tinc l'identificat perquè no m'estan anant bé

I have it identified because things are not going well for me.

no és que no vulgui seguir

it's not that I don't want to continue

sí

yes

has començat de nou

you have started again

i deies també que quan vas estar a l'hospital ingressada

And you also said that when you were admitted to the hospital

tu has pogut fer d'alta veu

you have been able to raise your voice

a les noies, no?

to the girls, right?

suposo que també vas conèixer noies que no ho van superar

I suppose you also met girls who didn't make it.

clar, jo coneixia noies també que tornaven

Sure, I also knew girls who were coming back.

que tenien una recaiguda

that they had a relapse

totes tenim recaigudes

we all have relapses

el que passa, que clar, és molt important

What happens, you see, is very important.

estar ben acompanyada

to be well accompanied

perquè una recaiguda ben acompanyada

because a relapse well accompanied

es pot reconduir

it can be redirected

una recaiguda

a relapse

que no hi ha prou consciència de malaltia

that there is not enough awareness of illness

per exemple, per la família

for example, for the family

i que per tant potser l'acompanyament

and that therefore perhaps the accompaniment

no és tan bo, no hi ha tanta preocupació

it's not that good, there isn't that much concern

o s'escolta més a la malaltia

or you hear more about the illness

i es fa cas de la malaltia

and one pays attention to the illness

que és una malaltia que es fa gran amb l'endall

What is a disease that grows larger with the end?

bueno, doncs

well, then

si hi ha hagut recaigudes que no han acabat

if there have been relapses that have not ended

que no han sigut fàcils

that have not been easy

no és que no hagin acabat

it's not that they haven't finished

que no han acabat bé, és que no han sigut fàcils

that have not ended well, is that they have not been easy

i ho han posat encara molt més completats

and they have made it even more complete

del que ho estava vivint

of what I was experiencing

llavors és molt important comunicar

then it is very important to communicate

comunicar

to communicate

explicar-ho a la família

explain it to the family

i abans has parlat molt de la teva àvia

And before, you talked a lot about your grandmother.

de la teva mare

from your mother

la gent que

the people that

de la família, que veu com pateix

of the family, who sees how he suffers

l'anorexia, també pateix

anorexia also suffers

la gent que t'envolta

the people around you

o qualsevol malaltia

or any illness

veure't patir

to see you suffer

què deia la teva mare i la teva àvia?

What did your mother and your grandmother say?

ara estan molt contentes

now they are very happy

jo crec que estan processant el disc

I believe they are processing the disk.

encara, estan processant el disc

still, they are processing the disc

clar, perquè en el moment

of course, because at the moment

quan estava malalta hi havia moltes coses

When I was sick, there were many things.

que hauria sigut molt important comunicar

that it would have been very important to communicate

però que no podia comunicar-les

but that I couldn't communicate them

i no ha sigut fins ara

and it has not been until now

que ha sortit aquest disc

that this album has been released

que ha sigut com

that has been like

pata-plam, aquí ho teniu tot

ta-da, here you have it all

i jo crec que és un disc

And I think it's a record.

que sobretot pels que ho han viscut de prop

that especially for those who have experienced it up close

és difícil d'apoiar

it's hard to support

què em diries que és el pitjor d'aquesta malaltia?

What would you say is the worst thing about this disease?

la culpabilitat

the guilt

sí

yes

la culpabilitat en tot

the guilt in everything

la culpabilitat en no haver sigut prou

the guilt of not having been enough

o haver fet massa

or having done too much

la culpabilitat a ser

the guilt of being

una càrrega per la família

a burden for the family

una càrrega econòmica

an economic burden

perquè normalment aquests tractaments

because normally these treatments

has d'anar per privada

you have to go through private

i són tractaments molt cars

and they are very expensive treatments

amb una càrrega

with a load

pel teu equip de treball

for your work team

llavors constantment la culpabilitat

then constantly the guilt

per tu aquest disc

for you this disc

ha estat una teràpia increïble

it has been an incredible therapy

m'imagino

I imagine.

sí, totalment

yes, totally

jo quan vaig començar a estar millor

I when I started to feel better.

ho he recuperat quan hagi publicat aquest disc

I will have recovered it when I publish this album.

i ha sigut així

and it has been like this

ha sigut així, t'ha curat el disc

It has been like this, it has healed your disc.

sí, totalment

yes, totally

ha fet que puguis fer les paus

it has allowed you to make peace

amb la Filomen

with Filomen

que puguis com tancar aquest dol

that you can complete this mourning

amb aquesta malaltia

with this disease

i alhora, doncs, no sé

And at the same time, I don’t know.

és com una abraçada a tot el que ha vingut abans

it's like a hug to everything that has come before

a la Paula d'ara

to Paula now

i com tot anirà bé, tranquil·la

And everything will be fine, don't worry.

tot està anant bé

everything is going well

dius coses com aquestes en aquest disc

you say things like these on this disc

avui fa un any que crido i ningú em sent

It's been a year today that I cry and no one hears me.

em vaig desconnectar

I disconnected.

sense ser-ne conscient

unwittingly

com més voltes fa el món

the more the world turns

menys habito tapar les esquerdes

I tend to cover the cracks less.

d'un cos que ha sobreviscut

of a body that has survived

ha desapareixer

has disappeared

quina frase aquesta darrera dura

What a tough phrase that last one is.

bueno, ara

well, now

és com que sóc molt més conscient

it's as if I am much more aware

d'estimo molt més el meu cos

I love my body much more.

i l'estimo perquè penso

and I love him/her because I think

ostres, he estat a punt de marxar

Wow, I was about to leave.

no sé

I don't know.

vas pensar que et podries morir?

Did you think you could die?

sí, molts cops

yes, many times

bueno, és que clar

well, it's just that of course

havia desconnectat completament

I had completely disconnected.

llavors, per això ho visc

then, that’s why I live it

tot tan intensament ara

everything so intensely now

perquè després d'estar

because after being

desconnectada, de no sentir res

disconnected, feeling nothing

i de no voler seguir

and not wanting to continue

perquè clar, la malaltia

because of course, the illness

et fa creure que no vols seguir

it makes you believe that you don't want to continue

no és que no et vulguis

it's not that you don't want me

o sigui, no és que et vulguis morir

that is, it's not that you want to die

és clar, aquest trastorn t'ho fa creure

It’s clear, this disorder makes you believe it.

que et vols morir

that you want to die

llavors, de cop i volta girar-ho

then, suddenly turn it around

i estar-te

and to be with you

i vas pensar en suïcidar-te, per exemple?

Did you think about committing suicide, for example?

no, perquè jo crec que

no, because I believe that

bueno, ho vaig pensar, sí, ho vaig pensar

Well, I thought about it, yes, I thought about it.

però com que tinc aquesta manera de fer

but since I have this way of doing things

que tot em sap tan greu

that I feel so sorry about everything

en realitat

in reality

anar perdent pes i anar malaltint

losing weight and feeling unwell

ja era una manera lenta de suïcidar-me

it was already a slow way to commit suicide

però sense molestar ningú

but without bothering anyone

no?

no?

però en aquell moment no

but not at that moment

una manera lenta de suïcidar-se

a slow way to commit suicide

sense molestar ningú

without bothering anyone

és una frase forta aquesta

it's a strong phrase this

realment no ho volia, jo no em volia morir

I really didn't want it, I didn't want to die.

jo em volia recuperar

I wanted to recover.

i per això cada dia em despertava i anava a l'hospital

And that's why every day I woke up and went to the hospital.

perquè em volia recuperar

because I wanted to get better

encara que hi hagués alguna cosa aquí que em deia que no

even if there was something here telling me no

i a lluitar contra la Filomena

and to fight against Filomena

a mi em va ajudar molt fer-ho públic

It helped me a lot to make it public.

deixar xarxes socials dir que patia càncer de mama

let social media say that I was suffering from breast cancer

no et feia por, però?

Weren't you scared?

no, no feia por perquè

no, it wasn't scary because

havia de deixar de treballar i havia d'explicar

I had to stop working and I had to explain.

per què deixaves de treballar

Why did you stop working?

a mi em va ajudar molt i vaig rebre molts missatges

It helped me a lot and I received many messages.

a les xarxes socials

on social media

a tu et va fer por, veig, però sé que has rebut

It scared you, I see, but I know that you have received.

molts missatges a la xarxa

many messages on the network

et va fer por, per què?

It scared you, why?

perquè em posessin l'etiqueta

so they would put the label on me

l'etiqueta de, ah sí, sí

the label of, oh yes, yes

la cantant que ha tingut l'anorexia

the singer who has had anorexia

i és com, bueno

and it's like, well

ja ho he passat molt malament durant

I've had a very bad time during it.

molt de temps

a long time

has acompanyat massa temps el meu nom

has accompanied my name for too long

no vull que segueixi sent així, no?

I don't want it to continue being like this, right?

llavors em feia por l'etiqueta

then I was scared of the label

que realment

that really

pel que he anat veient

from what I have seen

tant la gent com els mitjans tothom m'ha cuidat molt

both the people and the media have taken great care of me

vull dir que no

I mean no.

les pors al final es demostren portant la contrària

Fears are ultimately proven by going against them.

segurament jo diria que no s'està sempre

I would probably say that one is not always present.

parlant d'això

talking about this

però haver-ho fet també ha ajudat

but having done it has also helped

a moltes noies i que després hi haurà un dia

to many girls and that there will be a day afterwards

que deixarem de parlar

that we will stop talking

perquè també tenim el dret a l'oblit

because we also have the right to be forgotten

hi ha un dia que tothom vol recordar

there is a day that everyone wants to remember

i no vols parlar-ne més

and you don't want to talk about it anymore

totalment, no, i ara a més a més

totally, no, and now furthermore

soc conscient que és això, que toca parlar-ne

I am aware that this is it, that it is time to talk about it.

perquè, bueno, he tret aquest disc

because, well, I released this album

que pot ajudar molta gent i vull ajudar molta gent

that can help many people and I want to help many people

el que passa que és això

What happens is this.

que ja et dic, tenia moltes pors

that I already told you, I had many fears

però les pors les hem anat tombant

but we have been overcoming the fears

s'han anat fent petites

they have been getting smaller

totes les filomenes les hem deixat aparcades

We have parked all the challenges.

a sota del sofà

under the sofa

sí, sí

yes, yes

escolta, m'ha agradat molt conèixer-te

Listen, I really enjoyed meeting you.

gràcies

thank you

Paula, ets molt angelical

Paula, you are very angelic.

molt sensible

very sensitive

i jo crec que hem de recomanar

And I believe we should recommend.

molt aquest disc, començar de nou

I really like this album, starting over.

la vida es pot començar de nou

life can start anew

moltes vegades i tu tens 24 anys

many times and you are 24 years old

per favor, i et queda

please, and it stays with you

moltíssima vida, moltíssima carrera

very much life, very much career

de cantant, no?

As a singer, right?

de cançons

of songs

i també un dia deixaràs de parlar d'això

And one day you will stop talking about this.

que tens tota la raó, eh?

You are completely right, aren't you?

que avui parles d'aquesta malaltia

that today you speak about this disease

però que també tenim el dret a l'oblit

but we also have the right to be forgotten

i a dir, ara ja no vull parlar

and to say, now I don't want to talk anymore

ha estat una època de la meva vida d'aprenentatge

It has been a time of learning in my life.

però ja està, no?

but that's it, right?

i per tant, gràcies per compartir temps i emocions

And therefore, thank you for sharing time and emotions.

i per compartir sobretot aquesta història

and to share especially this story

de superació

of overcoming

que pot ajudar molt a tu

that can help you a lot

moltes gràcies

thank you very much

gràcies

thank you

la malaltia va fer creure la Paula

the illness made Paula believe

que mai més podia tornar a fer música

that I could never make music again

ni a pujar a un escenari

nor to get on a stage

perdre pes i de parella una manera lenta

losing weight and a partner in a slow way

de suïcidar-se sense molestar ningú

to commit suicide without bothering anyone

però la Paula

but Paula

va decidir dur la contrària a l'anorèxia

he decided to bring the opposite of anorexia

i perdre-li la por

and lose the fear of it

ara viu intensament

now live intensely

sent en el millor moment de la seva vida

feeling at the best moment of your life

i amb les seves cançons i el seu exemple

and with their songs and their example

ens recorda que tots hem de perdre la por

it reminds us that we all have to lose our fear

i derrotar

and defeat

a les nostres filaments

to our filaments