Comediants | Óscar Tramoyeres, Xel Curiel, David Navarro i Marta Flich
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Comediants
Comediants | Óscar Tramoyeres, Xel Curiel, David Navarro i Marta Flich
Fins demà!
See you tomorrow!
En totes les rutes dels colesterols
In all the cholesterol pathways
de tots els pobles
of all the towns
s'assabentarien de tot sense i xir de la comissaria.
They would find out about everything without leaving the station.
I de vegades
And sometimes
fins i tot abans
even before
que les coses passaren.
that things happened.
Perquè si hi ha alguna frase
Because if there is any phrase
que sens dubte es repetix en totes les rutes
that undoubtedly repeats itself in all the routes
del colesterol és
of cholesterol is
Ai, quina llàstima.
Oh, what a pity.
Ai, quina llàstima el fill de Pepa.
Oh, what a shame about Pepa's son.
Ai, i se xic?
Oh, and that boy?
I se xic no acabarà bé.
This guy won't end well.
Si jo
If I
si jo fos la policia
if I were the police
Si jo fos la policia
If I were the police.
detindria el fill de la Pepa
would detain Pepa's son
però ja, per si de cas.
but just in case.
Pel que poguera passar.
Just in case something might happen.
Qui també crec que està
Who I also think is
per a tancar és el nostre
to close it is ours
següent monologuista. Un fort aplaudiment
next monologuist. A big round of applause
per a Òscar Tramolleres.
for Òscar Tramolleres.
Ja!
Yes!
Gràcies.
Thank you.
Gràcies a vosaltres.
Thank you all.
Ia!
Ia!
Com esteu? Bé o què?
How are you? Good or what?
M'alegre de l'omens.
I'm glad of the omens.
Molt bé. Una pregunteta,
Very well. A little question,
vos ha donat temps de fer tot el que teniu pensat per aquesta setmana?
Has it given you time to do everything you planned for this week?
Impossible!
Impossible!
T'ho dic jo.
I'll tell you.
No perquè no tinguem temps,
Not because we don't have time,
perquè som com som.
because we are who we are.
I tots ho deixem pel cap de setmana, sí o no?
And we all leave it for the weekend, yes or no?
Pel dissabte?
For Saturday?
El dissabte, per exemple, jo què sé, llevar el cotxe.
On Saturday, for example, I don’t know, take the car out.
Per quant? Pel dissabte.
For how much? For Saturday.
Molt bé.
Very good.
Tot, no sé, traure a passejar
Everything, I don't know, take for a walk.
al hamster. El dissabte.
to the hamster. The Saturday.
Portar la xiqueta
Take the girl.
al futbol. El dissabte.
to football. On Saturday.
Això que et diu la dona?
What is the woman telling you?
Me podies penjar
Can you hang me up?
els dos quadres que comprarem
the two paintings that we will buy
en el viatge de nòvios.
on the honeymoon.
En punta cana. Ja ho has vist tu?
In Punta Cana. Have you seen it yet?
Que me ho haurà dit
That he/she must have told me.
40 vegades.
40 times.
O s'hi estan.
Or they are.
Li vas dir l'altre dia, quan vingui el dissabte
You told him the other day, when he comes on Saturday.
de llevar el cotxe,
to take the car,
te penja els quadres.
he/she/it hangs the pictures.
O jo què sé, no sé si teniu
Oh, I don't know, I don't know if you have.
afició a la bici, a agarrar la bici.
hobby of biking, of grabbing the bike.
Això és molt pel cap de setmana, no?
This is very much for the weekend, isn't it?
Agarrar la bici. On jo vinc,
Grab the bike. Where I'm from,
hi ha molta afició a pujar a una muntanya
there is a lot of enthusiasm for climbing a mountain
que n'hi ha que es diu El Garbí.
there is one called El Garbí.
Que pugen els iaios, tu els has vist?
The grandparents are coming up, have you seen them?
Grossos.
Fat.
Grossos que has d'anar un poquet raere
Thick ones that you need to go a little further back.
perquè per adelantar
because to overtake
has de deixar el metro i mig i quasi t'han d'eixir
You have to leave the subway and almost get out.
de la carretera.
from the road.
Això que tu vas raere
This that you are talking about.
pensant, diguem, molt de cul
thinking, let's say, a lot of ass
per una roda tan fineta.
for such a thin wheel.
No sé si m'expliques.
I don't know if you're explaining it to me.
Que tu dius, és impossible,
What you say is impossible,
que això m'he pujat allà dalt.
that this I have gone up there.
Però puja, no han de pujar
But it rises, they should not rise.
si estan esperant-lo per mosar.
if they are waiting for him to show.
No han de pujar.
They should not go up.
Home.
Home.
Puja en el bar que n'hi ha dalt
Go up to the bar that is up there.
estratègicament posat
strategically placed
per motivar-lo.
to motivate him.
Si se fan un hermosar
If they make a beautiful one
de ciclista, ole.
of cyclist, hooray.
Sí, un entrepà d'això
Yes, a sandwich of this.
que toquia cridant allò,
what was calling out that,
un tercio,
a third,
un cremallet, que som molt de ciclista,
a little flashlight, because we are very much into cycling,
i una casalleta i mon anem.
And a little house, here we go.
Home, me cag...
Home, I'm going to poop...
Mira!
Look!
Aplaudiments.
Applause.
Baixen cap avall,
They go down,
que dona por.
that gives fear.
Que n'hi ha vegades
That there are times.
que vaig en el cotxe i m'adelanten.
I am in the car and someone is overtaking me.
Com està gros, corren més.
As it gets bigger, they run more.
Que n'hi ha vegades
That there are times
que de l'aflicció,
that from the sorrow,
de la licra,
of the lycra,
del pantaló net
from the clean pant
ajustat, saps?
tightened, you know?
És que de Catlona fa molt de mal.
It is that Catalonia hurts a lot.
Home,
Home,
per favor, compreu-se roba de la vostra edat.
Please buy clothes appropriate for your age.
Van aixina
They go like this.
i de l'aflicció, i se n'aixina
and of the affliction, and so it rises
com...
how...
com xispetes.
as you spit.
Que pareix una estrella fugaz
It looks like a shooting star.
que a vegades li dic a la dona Cari
that sometimes I call the woman Cari
demana un desig.
make a wish.
Ai, senyor.
Oh, Lord.
Ara,
Now,
el que menys m'agrada a mi
what I like the least
del dissabte
of Saturday
és anar a comprar al súper.
It's going shopping at the supermarket.
Oh!
Oh!
No vos passa? Jo me'ls estressaet, nena.
Doesn't it happen to you? It stresses me out, girl.
Estressaet, me'ls estressaet,
Stressed out, they stress me out.
perquè, claro, me'ls estressaet.
because, of course, it stresses me out.
A les vuit va estar d'allí, a les nou,
At eight he was there, at nine,
saps?
Do you know?
I, claro, la primera missió,
I, of course, the first mission,
conforme entres allí, al súper,
as soon as you enter there, to the supermarket,
una monedeta
a small coin
per treure el carro
to take out the cart
que has tingut tota la setmana.
that you have had all week.
Per apartar-te-la.
To move it away from you.
I tu, tot és tirar-te mà allí, a veure,
And you, it's all about reaching out to you there, let's see,
una de deu, una de dos, una de cinc...
one of ten, one of two, one of five...
En total, 48 cèntims.
In total, 48 cents.
Que no tens ni pel carro.
You don't even have a hair for the cart.
Que li dic a la meva dona,
What do I tell my wife,
carinyo, tu tens sol pel carro?
Honey, do you have sun for the cart?
Sol?
Sun?
La meva dona és de casa,
My wife is a homemaker.
arreglaeta, i eh, perfecte, eh?
Fixed, and eh, perfect, eh?
En els legends d'això, saps quin te dic o no?
In the legends of this, do you know which one I'm talking about or not?
Legends.
Legends.
Estàs pujap, el culet,
You’re raising your butt.
culet així, ahí dalt, i eh,
butt like that, up there, and hey,
i és que dona glòria a vore-la.
And it is a sight that gives you joy to see her.
Això sé que t'ho dic.
I know I'm telling you this.
Bolxaques, no té.
Bolxaques, it doesn't have.
Compte que dura el sol.
Be careful, the sun lasts.
Saps?
You know?
I, claro, jo dic, bueno,
I, of course, I say, well,
vaig a que me canviï la caixera.
I'm going to have the cashier change for me.
I va ser en un billet de 50 euros.
It was in a 50-euro bill.
Que la caixera ja te canvia,
The cashier is already giving you change.
però te mira com dient, si tens collons,
but he looks at you as if to say, if you've got the guts,
quan t'acabes de comprar,
when you just bought yourself,
te passes per així, perquè m'has fotut el canvi,
You're going overboard like this because you've messed up my change.
de tot el matí, i encara no,
all morning, and still not,
encara no m'ha ficat ni a treballar.
I still haven't been put to work.
Però bé, però bé.
But well, but well.
Ai, senyor, senyor. Però bé, ja estàs allí,
Oh, Lord, Lord. But well, you're already there,
bé, ja tens la monedeta, a treure el carro.
Well, you have the coin now, let's get the cart.
Tu vas a treure el carro?
Are you going to take out the cart?
De veres? Això, mira, estan fora,
Really? Look, they are outside.
en el pàrquing. Té així, com un teixet,
in the parking lot. It has like a little fabric,
i tot, i n'hi ha tres files.
and all, and there are three rows.
Com un concurs de la tele.
Like a television contest.
Vas a la primera fila, i treus el carro,
You go to the front row, and take out the cart.
i se, en la fulleta, abans, i sam.
I know, in the little sheet, before, and we are.
Que se cola per esfora, això, de veres?
Does that really slip through the cracks?
Se cola, que,
It sneaks in, that,
a vegades, dius, ojalà siguin, si sam,
Sometimes you say, I wish they were, if we are.
digues, ai, que asco, este no m'agrà.
say, oh, how disgusting, I don't like this.
Vaig a la fila dos,
I'm going to line two.
i treus el carro. Mira,
and you take the cart. Look,
i se carro, en la bolsa de plàstic,
And the cart, in the plastic bag,
saps? Ui, o el guant,
Do you know? Oh, or the glove,
el guant, en què me dóna més asco.
the glove, in which it disgusts me the most.
El guant me dóna molt d'asco,
The glove disgusts me a lot,
perquè, a saber que ha tocat això,
because, knowing that this has happened,
i a saber que ha tocat
and to know what has been touched
antes, de posar-se el guant, saps?
before putting on the glove, you know?
És de veres, anem a ser
It's true, let's be.
sincers. Tu no saps
sincere. You don't know.
que ha tocat esa persona.
What that person has touched.
Tu no saps si anava per casa
You don't know if I was going home.
i ha dit, emparín, on està
And he said, Emparín, where is it?
l'emoal? No ho saps.
The emoal? You don't know it.
Bé, bé, bé,
Well, well, well,
no ho saps.
you don’t know it.
I en la fila número tres,
And in row number three,
dius, el premi estrella,
you say, the star award,
i se carro, que,
and that car, which,
i, eh, nou, xica, nou,
and, eh, new, girl, new,
que li brilla, li brilla,
that shines for him, shines for him,
tot el ferrer li brilla,
everything the ironworker touches shines,
i dius, mira, que beva,
and you say, look, let her drink,
ai,
oh,
perquè va guit,
because he/she/it went to play the guitar,
se diu, el carro,
it's called, the cart,
sense control.
without control.
És un carro que té quatre rodes, però n'hi ha una,
It is a cart that has four wheels, but there is one.
xica, que, per lo que siga,
girl, that, for whatever reason,
no va.
it's not working.
Que tu dius, les altres tres, per majoria, s'apoderaran d'ella.
As you say, the other three will seize her by majority.
Quan va guit, sí,
When it has been played, yes,
però quan va ple,
but when it is full,
saps? Eixe moment que vas en el carro, que dius,
You know? That moment when you're in the cart, when you say,
vaig a l'esquerra.
I am going to the left.
I te diu el carro,
And the cart tells you,
anem a la dreta.
let's go to the right.
I tu li dius,
And you tell him,
i dius, fas, fas,
and you say, you do, you do,
i li dius, anem a vore.
And you say to him, let's go see.
Si ja ha comprat el pa, que me queda el congelat a soli.
If you've already bought the bread, what remains for me is the frozen one for free.
I tu a l'esquerra, i ell a la dreta,
You on the left, and him on the right,
i tu a l'esquerra,
and you on the left,
i, eh, i hi ha un moment, tu, dic de veres, eh,
And, uh, there is a moment, you know, I’m telling you the truth, uh,
que estàs allà fent força i tot, no us ha passat?
What are you doing there making an effort and all, hasn't it happened to you?
Estàs fent força, i xina,
You are making a lot of effort, and slowly.
vas pentant el carro,
you are combing the cart,
que n'hi ha un moment que se crea hasta un efecte òptic,
that there comes a moment when an optical effect is even created,
que no xires,
don't shout,
però per això que vaig a xinar i vas derrapant, vas, vas...
but for this I'm going to get angry and you keep sliding, you go, you go...
Mal.
Bad.
Per favor,
Please,
per favor.
please.
Però bé, va,
But well, come on,
va, que ja, que ja, que ja quasi estem comprant, va.
Come on, we're almost buying, come on.
Ja tens el carro,
You have the cart now,
d'acord? Dius, vas per aquí a dins.
Okay? You say, you go in here.
Entres,
You enter,
mare meva,
my mother,
la quantitat de gent que t'hi pots trobar
the number of people you can find there
en el súper.
in the supermarket.
T'ho dic de veres. Per exemple, mira,
I'm telling you the truth. For example, look,
està, la dona està major,
she is, the woman is older,
saps quina t'he dit? Ja sempre hi ha una dona major
Do you know which one I told you? There's always an older woman.
així, que ha sigut molt templada, jove,
so, it has been very mild, young one,
però per lo que siga, s'ha anat
but for whatever reason, he/she has gone
concentrant-te en els anys.
focusing on the years.
Saps? Com que, com que la crida a la terra,
You know? Since, since the call of the land,
no sé si m'expliqués.
I don't know if I explained myself.
Va, va, xina.
Come on, come on, China.
De veres?
Really?
A Espallet?
To Espallet?
Que no és que vaig a Espallet,
It's not that I'm going to Espallet,
és que hi ha un moment que dius,
it's just that there comes a moment when you say,
va, pa'cabant-ho pa'carrere.
Come on, for goodness' sake.
No ho saps?
Don't you know?
I esta dona, doncs, de sobte, va per ahir,
And this woman, then, suddenly, goes for yesterday,
no?, comprant,
no?, buying,
amb la cistella que porta,
with the basket she carries,
s'ha quedat de mostra, mirant,
it has remained as a sample, looking,
algo, i tu, que vas per ahir,
something, and you, who went through yesterday,
dius, senyora, per favor, senyora,
you say, madam, please, madam,
no té set, perquè està sorda perduda.
she is not thirsty because she is deaf lost.
Li agarra la cistelleta, pa' apartar-li-la un poquet,
He grabs the little basket to move it away a bit.
mira, se veu que ha instal·lat
look, it seems that he has installed
una fotocèl·lula sensible
a sensitive photocell
en lo que és l'enceta.
in what it starts.
I esto, agarra l'enceta
And this, grab the opening.
i li pega una descàrrega,
and it gives him a shock,
jo, no sé, de veres t'ho dic,
I don't know, I'm telling you the truth.
entre l'electricitat i la laca neli,
between electricity and Neli's lacquer,
se li fica el moño com a Son Goku,
he puts his hair up like Son Goku,
se queda així.
It stays like this.
Xina.
China.
Mira.
Look.
També tenim, també tenim,
We also have, we also have,
això està sempre, cap de setmana,
this is always, weekend,
la parelleta.
the couple.
Saps quina t'he dit, aquesta parelleta?
Do you know which one I've told you about, this little couple?
Saps que porta poc de temps així,
You know it hasn't been like this for long,
no sé si m'expliques.
I don't know if you are explaining to me.
Aquestes dues, així, que està ella dient
These two, like this, that she is saying.
cari,
darling,
comprem això,
let's buy this,
i ella està allí,
and she is there,
eh,
eh,
vinga, va.
come on, let's go.
Ai, senyor,
Oh, Lord,
estan tan a caramela ets,
you are so sweet,
que a mi m'embafa,
that makes me feel sick,
a mi m'embafa.
It makes me feel sick.
Jo no he de dir que és que es veix tan feliços
I don't have to say that they look so happy.
que passa per el costat
what happens next to it
i li ho dic, li dic,
and I tell him, I tell him,
ahir se caseu.
Yesterday you married.
Ahir se caseu.
Yesterday you got married.
A veure.
Let's see.
Fixeu-vos que sempre,
Notice that always,
estos sempre porten quatre tonteries en la cistella
They always carry four nonsense things in the basket.
i dos botelletes
and two little bottles
de l'ambrusco.
of the ambrosia.
Això és un vi de categoria.
This is a wine of high quality.
I barato.
It's cheap.
Porten dos, home, l'ambrusco,
They bring two, man, the ambrusco.
dos copetes de l'ambrusco
two sips of the ambrusco
i me'l fusco.
And I screw it up.
Després també està,
Afterwards, it is also there,
també està la mateixa parelleta
the same little couple is also there
quaranta anys després.
forty years later.
Que dius, ixa dolçor,
What do you say, that sweetness,
no sé si m'expliquem.
I don't know if I'm explaining myself.
Ixa dolçor, això ja no està.
That sweetness, that's no longer here.
S'ha perdut un poquet en el temps, eh.
It's gotten a little lost in time, huh.
Estan com assacarinats,
They are like enchanted.
no sé si m'expliquem.
I don't know if I'm explaining myself.
Dolçor, però és més suau.
Sweetness, but it is softer.
Molt bé.
Very well.
Vos és presente, va.
You are present, go.
Està ella.
She is here.
A ella li diuen Pepica.
Her name is Pepica.
Pepica, de Vinalesa.
Pepica, from Vinalesa.
No ho ha inventat.
He/She has not invented it.
Mira, Pepica.
Look, Pepica.
Saps quina?
Do you know which one?
T'he dit que està dona major
I told you that this woman is older.
en la falda esta,
in this lap,
plinçaet, no sé com se diu,
plinçaet, I don't know how to say it,
falda esta ixina,
skirt is like this,
en la faixa baix, nena,
in the low strip, girl,
la faixa baix.
the strip goes down.
Està de camalé de color carn.
It is flesh-colored pantyhose.
Bona.
Good.
Mel.
Honey.
El seu moño apuntadet en la caneli.
Her bun is pointed in the bun.
Superbé.
Superb.
I després està ell.
And then there is him.
A ell li diuen,
They call him,
a l'home li diuen Vicent.
The man's name is Vicent.
De Borbotó,
From Borbotó,
se conegueren pa festes.
They met for parties.
Bueno, això és un altre rotllo.
Well, that's another story.
És el típic
It's the typical one.
llauraor valencià, eh?
Valencian speaker, eh?
Este que va sempre
This one that always goes.
amb pantalons estos de tergal.
with these tergal trousers.
Saps?
Do you know?
Que te digo, no?
What did I tell you, right?
De pinces.
Of tweezers.
I la camisa.
And the shirt.
Camisa, sempre camisa.
Shirt, always shirt.
Sempre camisa.
Always shirt.
Camisa,
Shirt,
tota oerta hasta baix.
All open down below.
Només porten un botó
They only have one button.
a broxar-hi
to splash it
i jo dic,
and I say,
serà el que s'arriba
it will be what is reached
a farar almosar.
a beacon to signal.
Au.
Ouch.
Digo jo, no ho sé.
I say, I don't know.
Gràcies.
Thank you.
I este no va aixina
And this one doesn't go like this.
recolzaet en el carro.
lean on the cart.
Este va a deixar caure.
This is going to drop.
I no li bevé res.
And he didn't drink anything.
De cada tres paraules,
Of every three words,
una és,
one is,
me caguen tot.
I don't give a damn about everything.
Me caguen tot.
I’m fed up with everything.
Arriba ella i diu,
She arrives and says,
anem a per el pa.
Let's go for the bread.
I ell, per el pa?
And him, for the bread?
Me caguen tota per el pa.
I’m fed up with it for the bread.
Venim d'allí.
We come from there.
Pepica, venim d'allí.
Pepica, we come from there.
I ella,
I her,
huella, huella, huella.
trace, trace, trace.
Au.
Ouch.
I llavors,
And then,
el que jo no sé
what I don't know
per què has vingut.
Why have you come?
I se li mira.
You look at him/her.
No sé per què has vingut.
I don't know why you came.
I li diu ell,
And he tells him,
ni jo tampoc.
neither do I.
A la pròxima vinc a soles.
Next time I'll come alone.
A vosaltres de veres.
To you truly.
A la ves
At the same time
i agarra a mi.
and grab me.
Amb brusca o no,
With a bang or not,
que te conec, eh?
I know you, right?
Ai, senyor.
Oh, Lord.
Senyor, no.
Sir, no.
En fi, a veure.
Well, let's see.
És que, comprem parella,
It's just that, we buy a couple,
comprem parella és una cosa,
buying a couple is one thing,
val?
Okay?
Però quan tenim separats,
But when we are apart,
oh,
oh,
ahir n'hi ha molta diferència.
Yesterday there was a big difference.
Se nota molt.
It shows a lot.
Els homes no tenen ni punyetes ni idea,
Men have no clue whatsoever.
te ho dic de veres.
I'm telling you the truth.
No sabem.
We don't know.
Som els conyó que som així desmanotats,
We are the bunch that we are so disheveled,
no sabem.
we don't know.
La meua dona,
My wife,
te ho dic de veres,
I tell you for real,
ella,
she,
ah, té un saber estar.
Ah, she has a good sense of presence.
Ella entra
She enters.
al súper,
at the supermarket,
paaa,
paaa,
no entro ni a...
I do not enter into...
Fa una paraeta,
Make a stop,
i ell li pega el xorrer de l'aire
and he gets hit by the gust of wind
i li fa el monyó.
and it makes him the monkey.
Té el puntet allà.
It has the little dot there.
Les caixeres se giren,
The cashiers turn around,
diu, mira,
says, look,
és ella,
it's her,
ha tornat.
He has returned.
I ella va i compra.
She goes and buys.
En 20 minuts s'ha comprat
In 20 minutes he/she has bought.
100 euros de compra.
100 euros of purchase.
Són 100 euros,
It's 100 euros.
carro ple.
full cart.
A mi,
To me,
a mi,
to me,
se'm nota molt que no sé.
It's obvious that I don't know.
Perquè jo entré,
Because I entered,
què fa un home com jo
What is a man like me doing?
quan he entrat, eh?
when I entered, right?
Al súper.
At the supermarket.
Doncs entra i el primer que fa,
So he enters and the first thing he does,
no, no estic xorró.
no, I'm not crazy.
I que te quedes així,
And that you stay like this,
i t'agrada com mirant,
and you like how looking,
a on?
where?
Ningú...
Nobody...
Tu saps un conill
You know a rabbit.
quan li fas les llargues,
when you make him wait,
que s'ha quedat així?
Why has it ended up like this?
Pues així,
Well then,
s'ha quedat així,
it has stayed like this,
i te traus un paperet,
and you take out a little paper,
que t'ha fet la dona,
what has the woman done to you,
la dona o el teu fill de 3 anys,
the woman or your 3-year-old son,
que és una guia,
what is a guide,
és una guia,
it's a guide,
que t'han fet
what have they done to you
perquè pugues recórrer
so that you can appeal
un habitat que no és el teu.
a habitat that is not yours.
Saps?
You know?
Perquè se te nota molt.
Because it shows a lot.
Normalment és una llibreta de quadres,
Usually, it's a quadrille notebook,
una llibreta de quadres
a squared notebook
i la teva dona ha tingut temps.
And your wife has had time.
D'acord?
Okay?
Si no,
If not,
és un tros de sobre d'hiberdrola,
it's a piece of paper from Iberdrola,
mal retallat,
badly cut,
una carta,
a letter,
i a puntaet.
and at a little point.
I així i tot,
And yet,
en cas que te nota,
in case you have a note,
perquè estàs ahí mirant d'aixina,
why are you there looking like that,
mires el paper,
you look at the paper,
mires per allà,
you look over there,
mires el paper,
you look at the paper,
mires per allà,
you look over there,
més perdut que Marco
more lost than Marco
quan buscava sa mare.
when he was looking for his mother.
Ai, en fi, en fi, en fi.
Oh well, oh well, oh well.
Home, a veure,
Come on, let's see,
sí que és de veres,
yes, it is true,
que els homes,
that the men,
diguem que a soles n'hi ha molt poquets,
let's say that there are very few of them,
l'elite,
the elite,
que saben comprar.
that know how to buy.
A soles.
At soles.
Però en colla,
But in a group,
ei, eh!
Hey, eh!
En colla, sí!
In a group, yes!
La colla és este grupet,
The group is this little bunch,
que van divendres per l'esprat
they go on Friday for the esprat
o dissabte de matí.
on Saturday morning.
Que te'ls veus,
You see them,
els coneixeràs.
You will know them.
Són 4 o 5 tios
They are 4 or 5 guys.
enganxats a un carro
stuck to a cart
fent
doing
i,
and,
per favor.
please.
I si no se sap per el carro.
And if it doesn't know about the cart.
Mira, de base,
Look, basically,
de base,
basic,
li fiquen 4 paquets d'estos de cervesa
they put 4 packs of these beers in it
de dolce,
of sweet,
que cap molt bé.
That fits very well.
I després la més que la Coca-Cola,
And then more than Coca-Cola,
fanta taronja,
orange Fanta
fanta de llima,
lime Fanta,
la tònica,
the tonic,
després l'alcohol,
after the alcohol,
BF Ether,
BF Ether,
el JB,
the JB,
el Terry,
the Terry,
Terry pel cafè net,
Terry for the clean coffee,
que no,
that not,
per tocar-lo un poquet,
to touch it a little bit,
i compra ron,
and buy rum,
ron pel especialet,
special rum,
la mare que va,
the mother who goes,
i una vegada que ha anat a Cuba
and once he/she has gone to Cuba
i va tard donant per el cul
and it was late giving trouble
tota la vida.
all life.
La mare que va,
The mother who goes,
tu.
you.
Bé.
Good.
Després aixina,
After that,
per damunt,
above,
aixina d'aixacaure,
so much for that,
li tiren 4 paquets de papes,
they throw him 4 packets of chips,
saps,
you know,
plats,
plates,
gots,
glasses,
aixina com,
just as,
saps,
you know,
xel,
Hi,
pa congelar-ho al Disney.
to freeze it at Disney.
Això és una passada.
This is amazing.
Que t'esbeus,
What you break,
t'esbeus i li dius,
you break down and tell him/her,
i eh,
and eh,
Manolo,
Manolo,
on aneu?
Where are you going?
I te diuen,
And they call you,
se n'anem de paella.
We're going out for a paella.
Tu te quedes mirant el carro,
You keep looking at the cart,
a veure Manolo,
let's see Manolo,
que igual soc jo,
that maybe it's me,
tu no creus que hi falta algo,
Don't you think something is missing?
Manolo?
Manolo?
No ho sé,
I don't know,
dius,
you say,
l'arreglo de paella,
the paella arrangement,
Manolo?
Manolo?
I diu,
And it says,
ai,
oh,
és de veres,
it's true,
i eh,
and eh,
a la can,
to the can,
i,
and,
oh,
oh,
i,
and,
oh.
oh.
Que t'esbeus,
What are you doing,
t'esbeus a anar per allà,
are you going to go over there,
que dius,
what do you say,
a veure,
let's see,
de tots aixòs,
of all this,
qui va fer la paella?
Who made the paella?
O és paella,
Either it's paella,
de colla,
of a group,
caldosseta per dalt,
little broth from above,
cremalleta per baix.
little flame below.
És així,
That's right,
però en fi,
but anyway,
en fi,
anyway,
mira,
look,
que segur que n'hi ha més classes,
that there are surely more classes,
d'acord?
Okay?
De gent,
Of people,
en el supermercat,
in the supermarket,
però anem a fer una cosa,
but let's do something,
jo me'n vaig a investigar,
I'm going to investigate.
i si voleu,
and if you want,
vinc un altre dia
I'll come another day.
i vos ho conte,
and I tell you.
perquè la llista,
because the list,
mira,
look,
la porto així,
I carry it like this,
d'acord?
Okay?
Així que,
So,
bona nit,
good night,
i moltes gràcies!
And thank you very much!
Au!
Go!
Ai,
Oh,
és que vinc preocupada, eh?
It's just that I'm worried, you know?
Saps quan hi ha un tema
Do you know when there is a topic?
que no et deixa dormir?
What keeps you from sleeping?
I quan dic un tema,
And when I say a subject,
no vull dir,
I don't want to say,
com si digués,
as if to say,
hòstia,
holy shit,
estic tota la nit sense dormir
I'm staying awake all night.
i pegant-li al tema.
and hitting the subject.
No,
No,
no,
no,
parlo d'un tema,
I am talking about a topic,
un tema abstracte,
an abstract theme,
una preocupació.
a concern.
Estic tota la setmana
I am here all week.
navegant per les xarxes socials,
browsing through social networks,
hi ha un que diu,
there is one that says,
navegant per on?
navigating where?
Tu no eres mil·lennial ni res, no?
You're not a millennial or anything, right?
Bueno,
Well,
navegant,
navigating,
i encara no tenim
and we still don't have
ningú
nobody
hater.
hater.
A què estem esperant?
What are we waiting for?
Home,
Home,
que això és precís, eh?
that this is precise, right?
Bé,
Well,
sabeu què és un hater?
Do you know what a hater is?
Un hater,
A hater,
la traducció literal seria
the literal translation would be
un odiador,
a hater,
algú que t'odia tant
someone who hates you so much
i tan fort
and so strong
que si poguera
that if I could
t'apuntava Pilates, saps?
I was signing you up for Pilates, you know?
O sigui,
I mean,
és algú,
it's someone,
és algú
is someone
que t'odià tant
that hated you so much
i tan fort
and so strong
a qui no li cauries bé
to whom you wouldn't fall well
ni encara que li llevessis el cotxe,
not even if you took away his car,
no sé si m'enteneu.
I don't know if you understand me.
A veure, bàsicament,
Let's see, basically,
un hater és algú
a hater is someone
que té molt de temps lliure,
who has a lot of free time,
i el dedica a estar
and he dedicates himself to being
tot el dia insultant-te,
insulting you all day long,
difamant-te,
defaming you,
denigrant-te per internet,
denigrating you online,
i vinga allà...
And come on there...
Xica,
Girl,
gent encantadora, de veritat.
charming people, really.
Escolta'm, ho dic de veritat,
Listen to me, I mean it,
avui en dia un hater és importantíssim,
Nowadays, a hater is extremely important,
si no tens un hater no n'és ningú.
If you don't have a hater, you don't have anyone.
No és fàcil aconseguir
It's not easy to achieve.
que algú estigui tot el dia insultant-te.
that someone spends the whole day insulting you.
Hi ha gent que s'ha de casar
There are people who have to get married.
per aconseguir-ho, m'entens?
To achieve it, do you understand me?
Clar.
Of course.
No, no, ho dic de veritat.
No, no, I'm serious.
O es posem les piles
Either we get our act together.
i comencem a tindre haters
and we are starting to have haters
o este programa se'n va a la merda
either this program goes to hell
i jo no estic disposada.
And I am not willing.
No hi ha ningú, ahir? Hola?
Is there no one there, yesterday? Hello?
Algú que em movia?
Someone who moved me?
Que sigui un poquet?
That it be just a little bit?
Tireu la imaginació?
Do you use your imagination?
Xica, jo no estic disposada.
Girl, I am not ready.
Jo què sé?
I don't know.
Collons, quin pantaló porta la Xica.
Damn, what pants is the girl wearing.
Li ve ample, li ve ample.
It looks big on him, it looks big on him.
Que sempre hi ha gent que té el seu gust.
There are always people who have their taste.
Potser li he posat un tacó.
Maybe I have put a stain on it.
Puja-t'ho i posa-te-lo, Mari Carmen.
Put it on and wear it, Mari Carmen.
Puja-t'ho i posa-te-lo.
Put it on and wear it.
No ho sé, com coses, no?
I don't know, like things, right?
Sí, jo l'escolt...
Yes, I listen to him/her...
Que jo puc llançar-hi des, eh?
That I can throw it from there, right?
La banda, la banda, eh?
The band, the band, huh?
Els hawaianos i això.
The Hawaiians and that.
On se'n compren les camises?
Where can you buy the shirts?
Se n'han anat a les Bahamas a comprar-se-les?
Have they gone to the Bahamas to buy them?
Algo, jo què sé?
Something, I don't know?
El de la guitarra d'en Mitz.
The one with Mitz's guitar.
No podia pentinar-se millor?
Couldn't she have styled her hair better?
Que li facin una onda surfera?
Let them make her a surf wave?
Això es diuen ara ondes surferes, no?
This is now called surfer waves, right?
Aquell, que...
That one, who...
També, tots amb melena, eh?
Also, all with manes, huh?
Em prenda algú que diu, eh?
Take someone who says, huh?
Xiqui en el moño llarg.
Boy with the long bun.
En què em queden d'això, saps?
What do I have left from this, do you know?
En què em queden, eh? Tot.
What do I have left, huh? Everything.
Algo, el teatre, jo què sé?
Something, the theatre, I don't know?
Les caïres, incòmodes.
The shoulders, uncomfortable.
O no em passa la por, és que sí...
Oh, it doesn't scare me, it's just that yes...
Sí...
Yes...
Voleu que comence jo?
Do you want me to start?
No, és un moment donat.
No, it is a given moment.
Voleu ser?
Do you want to be?
Vull dir, no hi ha pressa, no?
I mean, there's no hurry, right?
Jo què sé?
I don't know.
Anar a vore.
Go to see.
Mira Mari Carmen, la falda tan curta que l'està deixant.
Look Mari Carmen, the skirt is so short that it's leaving her exposed.
La vas acabar...
You finished it...
Estàs fent força de sol pèlvico, no?
You’re doing a lot of pelvic floor work, aren’t you?
El sol pèlvic.
The pelvic sun.
Ella està treballant el sol pèlvic,
She is working on the pelvic floor.
i diu, apreta, apreta, apreta.
And he says, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
Però si el queda esprenyat, no?
But if he stays upset, right?
Ja li diré jo que si tens un xiquet això es rebenta
I will tell you that if you have a child, this will burst.
i després ja...
and then already...
Ja tornarà al puesto.
He will return to his position.
Estàs tan nerviós i tot.
You are so nervous and everything.
Estàs tan nerviós que no vaig a dir-te res.
You're so nervous that I'm not going to say anything to you.
Mira.
Look.
Ai, la gent!
Oh, the people!
Ai, la gent quan fa aixina que diu,
Oh, the people when they say things like that,
eh, eh, eh, que va per mi, que va per mi.
Hey, hey, hey, it's for me, it's for me.
I mira aixina com paca un altre costat,
And look, like this she becomes quiet on the other side,
com dient, no, aixina no em morà, aixina no em morà.
As I said, no, this way I won't die, this way I won't die.
Mira, mira les gelofardes.
Look, look at the ice-cream cones.
Ai, gelofarda una i dos, totes juntes, de la colla.
Oh, it's a first and second gelofarda, all together, from the group.
Una va de tigre i l'altra de gelofarda.
One is made of tiger and the other of gelofarda.
Mira, mira, mira, mira, mira.
Look, look, look, look, look.
On t'has deixat el moño? T'has fet el làser?
Did you leave your bun? Did you get laser treatment?
Jo què sé.
I don't know.
Home, no tireu ahir.
Man, don't throw yesterday.
Per l'amor de Déu.
For the love of God.
Un algo.
A something.
Eh, mira, mira.
Hey, look, look.
Les peluqueres que n'hi ha una en castelló
The hairdressers, there is one in Castelló.
que van totes en el cardà d'igual.
that all go in the same way.
Pam, pam.
Bang, bang.
Que ho té fotut, eh.
That's tough, huh.
Calla, que el volen totes pel mateix dia.
Shh, they all want it on the same day.
N'hi ha una xica en castelló que passa tot el matí.
There is a girl in Castilian who spends the whole morning.
Pam, pam.
Bang, bang.
Cardà, té la mà aixina.
Cardà, your hand is like this.
Arribaràs a tenir i diràs, què faig?
You will reach a point where you will have and say, what do I do?
Una tortilleta, una tortilleta, que tinc la mà...
A little tortilla, a little tortilla, that I have the hand...
No sé, tu, el pantaló i això trencat.
I don't know, you, the pants and this broken.
No veus que això està trencat?
Don't you see that this is broken?
Què t'ha costat, això?
What did it cost you, this?
La gent jove no sap vestir-se ni res.
Young people don't know how to dress or anything.
No esteu bé.
You are not well.
Les ungles blaves, blau, això què és?
Blue nails, blue, what is this?
Això què és?
What is this?
Ixa camisa, això què és?
That shirt, what is it?
Marinerito, eh.
Little sailor, huh.
Ei de marinerito i ella de cactus.
Hey from little sailor and her from cactus.
Xa, que bonico.
Wow, how cute.
Bueno, feu el favor, un algo, per favor.
Well, please do me a favor, something, please.
Penseu-s'hi.
Think about it.
Desastre.
Disaster.
A vore, mireu, jo ho he intentat.
Let's see, look, I have tried.
Jo vos he donat temes, vos he donat idees.
I have given you themes, I have given you ideas.
Voleu fer tot això?
Do you want to do all this?
Em porteu-s'ho a casa?
Can you take it home for me?
Desenvolupeu-ho una miqueta i, per favor,
Develop it a little bit and, please,
llanceu-ho tot a les xarxes socials.
Throw everything on social media.
Val?
Okay?
Perfecte.
Perfect.
Era tot broma, esteu guapíssimes, eh?
It was all a joke, you are all gorgeous, huh?
Eixe cardaer i eixes metges que porto ella...
That carder and those doctors I carry with her...
Això ho podríem fer-ho etern, però n'hi ha molt de programa per davant.
We could make this eternal, but there is a lot of program ahead.
A qui segur que no odiareu, perquè és absolutament encantadora,
To whom you will surely not hate, because she is absolutely charming,
és a la nostra següent monologuista.
she is our next monologist.
Un fort aplaudiment per a Txell Curiel.
A loud round of applause for Txell Curiel.
Hola, buenas noches, ¿qué tal?
Hello, good evening, how are you?
¿Cómo estamos?
How are we?
¿Estamos pasando bien?
Are we having a good time?
Sí.
Yes.
¿Estamos bien?
Are we okay?
Sí.
Yes.
¿Los músicos bien?
Are the musicians doing well?
No habláis, no decís nada.
You don't talk, you don't say anything.
Estáis muy callados, ¿no?
You are very quiet, aren't you?
No hay feedback, ¿no?
There's no feedback, right?
No hay nada.
There is nothing.
No, no hay nada.
No, there is nothing.
No.
No.
Es que no nos increpen.
It's just that they don't shout at us.
Ya, esto va a ser, esto va a ser.
Yeah, this is going to be, this is going to be.
Ah, tienen cara de buena gente, ¿verdad?
Ah, they look like nice people, don't they?
Como yo.
Like me.
Yo soy muy buena persona.
I am a very good person.
Bueno, i bonica, simpática, carinyosa, amiga de mis amigos...
Well, and beautiful, nice, affectionate, friend of my friends...
Egocéntrica, yo?
Egocentric, me?
No.
No.
Buena persona.
Good person.
Yo soy tan buena persona que no madrugo.
I am such a good person that I don’t wake up early.
Para que Dios ayude a otros.
So that God helps others.
Además, yo me considero una persona positiva.
Furthermore, I consider myself a positive person.
Porque creo que hay que ver siempre el lado bueno de las cosas.
Because I believe that we should always see the good side of things.
¿No?
No?
Porque hay gente que se preocupa en realidad por cosas que no tienen importancia.
Because there are people who actually worry about things that do not matter.
O esto creo yo, ¿eh?
Or that's what I think, right?
Yo qué sé yo.
I don't know.
Mira, por ejemplo, yo entiendo que la Cifuentes se llevara esas cremas.
Look, for example, I understand that Cifuentes took those creams.
Es más, lo entiendo y lo apoyo.
Moreover, I understand it and support it.
Creo que un artículo de primera necesidad como una buena crema antiarrugas,
I believe that an essential item like a good anti-wrinkle cream,
si no te la puedes permitir, te lo tienes que llevar.
If you can't afford it, you have to take it with you.
Y esta mujer las necesitaba.
And this woman needed them.
¿Eh?
Eh?
¿O no?
Or not?
Que tú la ves hace diez años y la ves ahora y es que parece otra persona.
That you see her ten years ago and you see her now and she seems like another person.
No es que la crema le haya quitado las arrugas.
It's not that the cream has taken away the wrinkles.
Es que le ha cambiado la cuadratura de la cara.
It’s just that it has changed the shape of the face.
Ahora la tiene mucho más fina, mucho más tersa, ¿no?
Now it is much finer, much smoother, right?
Y mucho más dura.
And much tougher.
Y mucho más dura también.
And much tougher as well.
Además, por la compra de dos cremas, te regalaban un máster.
In addition, with the purchase of two creams, they were giving away a master class.
Pero como no las pagó, pues se lo han quitado.
But since he didn't pay for them, they've taken it away from him.
¿Eh?
Huh?
Pues esto, gracias.
Well, this, thank you.
Pues esto.
Well, this.
Que hay cosas, temas, pues que yo qué sé,
There are things, topics, well, I don't know,
que a mí no me preocupa.
that doesn't worry me.
Me preocupan mucho.
They worry me a lot.
Yo qué sé.
I don't know.
El cambio climático.
Climate change.
A mí pues no me preocupa lo del cambio climático.
I'm not worried about climate change.
Es más, es que me gusta, fíjate.
Moreover, I actually like it, you see.
Bueno, más que nada porque vivo en un octavo
Well, more than anything because I live on the eighth floor.
y estoy harta de las conversaciones de ascensor.
and I'm tired of elevator conversations.
Bon dia, noia.
Good morning, girl.
Quin temps tindrem avui?
What weather will we have today?
Ah, bueno, claro, que no os lo he explicado.
Ah, well, of course, I haven't explained it to you.
Yo es que vinc del nord.
I come from the north.
Y en el nord parlem així.
And in the north, we speak like this.
Parlem tot como pequeño, como pa' dentro, pa' nosotros.
We talk about everything small, like inside, for us.
¿Eh?
Huh?
Es por lo de agarraos.
It's because of the grab.
Que nos cuesta, ¿eh?
What does it cost us, huh?
Nos cuesta sacar las palabras.
We find it hard to find the words.
Que nosotros diem...
What we say...
Hola.
Hello.
Que dius, chica, habla bien.
What are you saying, girl, speak properly.
Dímelo todo.
Tell me everything.
Dímela también de hola.
Tell me also about hello.
Dime hola.
Say hello to me.
Dímela.
Tell me.
Dame, dame esa.
Give me, give me that.
Dámela.
Give it to me.
Ah, dámela.
Ah, give it to me.
Ah, dame una.
Ah, give me one.
Ah, dámela, dámela, dámela, dámela.
Ah, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me.
Que dius...
What are you saying...
Dius...
You say...
Dius, no, no.
You say, no, no.
No te la dono.
I won't give it to you.
No te la doy.
I'm not giving it to you.
Es mía.
It's mine.
¿Tú la quieres?
Do you want her?
¿La A la quieres?
Do you want the A?
Págala.
Pay her.
En cambio aquí, en el sur, sois todo lo contrario, ¿no?
On the contrary here, in the south, you are the complete opposite, aren't you?
Sois como muy espléndidos.
You are very generous.
Hasta para hablar.
Even to speak.
De verdad.
Really.
Allí nos soltamos una vocal y aquí nos la dais todas juntas.
There we let go of a vowel and here you give them all together.
Chea.
Chea.
Soc de Sueque.
I am from Sueca.
¿Es verdad?
Is it true?
Es como cuando le das a un bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, pues esto es sueque, es igual.
It's like when you hit a bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, well, this is sueque, it's the same.
Yo como soy mestiza, se me nota, ¿no?
Since I am mixed race, it shows, doesn't it?
Más catalana.
More Catalan.
Pare, València.
Father, Valencia.
Pues tengo de los dos.
Well, I have both.
Entonces yo hablo un catalán apichat.
So I speak a mixed Catalan.
a pitxat.
a pitchfork.
Sí, sí.
Yes, yes.
Chair!
Chair!
No you!
Not you!
Mola, eh?
Cool, huh?
Bueno, que me voy.
Well, I'm off.
A ver, yo os estaba diciendo lo de las conversaciones de ascensor.
Let's see, I was telling you about the elevator conversations.
Que, oye,
What, hey,
¿os podéis creer
Can you believe it?
que nunca bajo sola?
Why do I never go down alone?
Que siempre
That always
me toca chuparme los ocho pisos
I have to climb all eight floors.
con algún vecino?
with some neighbor?
Yo creo que esto no es normal.
I think this is not normal.
Yo creo que están
I believe they are.
compinchaos.
buddies.
Yo he llegado a pensar que en mi rellano
I have come to think that in my landing
hay un sensor de movimiento
there is a motion sensor
que cuando me estoy acercando
that when I am getting closer
a la puerta de mi casa, pita.
At the door of my house, honk.
Y se van corriendo a la mirilla.
And they run to the peephole.
A esperar a que yo salga ya.
Waiting for me to come out already.
Cuando abro la puerta para salir, ya están ahí.
When I open the door to leave, they are already there.
¡Eh! ¡Caballos, son tú!
Hey! Horses, it's you!
Y dices, ¡ay!
And you say, oh!
A ver, si viviera en un primero, pues esto me daría igual.
Let's see, if I lived on the first floor, this wouldn't matter to me.
Porque cuando te van a hablar,
Because when they are going to talk to you,
¡eh! ¡Ya has llegado!
Hey! You have arrived!
Pero claro, en un octavo,
But of course, in an eighth,
pues te los tienes que comer.
Well, you have to eat them.
Mira, hace poco me quedé encerrada
Look, recently I got locked in.
con una vecina. Casi dos horas.
with a neighbor. Almost two hours.
¡Uh! Sí, sí, sí.
Oh! Yes, yes, yes.
Eso dije yo. ¡Uh!
That's what I said. Uh!
Que a la mujer
That to the woman
lo que le preocupaba no era la posibilidad
What worried him was not the possibility.
de caerse ocho pisos al vacío.
of falling eight floors into the void.
No. Le preocupaba
No. It worried him.
si fuera había refrescado
if it had cooled down
porque no había cogido una rebeca.
because she hadn't taken a cardigan.
Por esto que a mí lo del cambio climático me gusta.
That's why I like the issue of climate change.
Es que hasta me pone.
It even turns me on.
Yo quiero que la gente
I want people to
no sepa muy bien qué es lo que va a pasar.
I don't really know what is going to happen.
Quiero que se curren
I want them to work hard.
las conversaciones de ascensor.
elevator conversations.
Quiero verlos sudar
I want to see them sweat.
desconcertados
disconcerted
sin saber si han hecho bien o no
without knowing if they have done right or not
cogiendo la rebeca.
taking the cardigan.
Quiero que salgan
I want them to go out.
con sus camisetas de tirantes
with their tank tops
en agosto y del frío se queden cuajaos.
In August, they get frozen from the cold.
Que los almendros no sepan
Let the almond trees not know.
cuándo florecer.
when to bloom.
Que las aves no sepan cuándo emigrar.
That the birds do not know when to migrate.
Que Ana Obregón no sepa
That Ana Obregón does not know
cuándo hacerse las fotos en bikini.
When to take bikini photos.
A ver, yo entiendo, por una parte,
Let's see, I understand, on one hand,
que esto del cambio climático preocupe
that this climate change is concerning
por las bacterias,
because of the bacteria,
los bichitos que están ahí
the little bugs that are there
en el permafrost siberiano.
in the Siberian permafrost.
Que esto no es una marca de congeladores.
This is not a freezer brand.
Esto es una masa de hielo ártico
This is an Arctic ice mass.
que lleva ahí más tiempo
who has been there longer
que la reina de Inglaterra.
than the Queen of England.
Oye, ¿y esta mujer qué va a hacer?
Hey, what is this woman going to do?
La reina, digo.
The queen, I mean.
¿Le va a pasar el legado al bisnieto?
Is he going to pass the legacy to the great-grandson?
Porque al hijo ya se lo ha saltado.
Because he has already skipped the son.
Al hijo lo ha fuliminado.
He has eliminated the son.
Y los nietos están,
And the grandchildren are,
que como tarde mucho, están ahí,
that since I take a long time, they are there,
que se les empieza a ver el cartón.
that they are starting to show their cardboard.
Sí, sí, sí.
Yes, yes, yes.
Estamos...
We are...
¿Eh?
Huh?
Bueno.
Good.
Bueno, esto, yo os hablaba
Well, this, I was talking to you all.
de los bichitos, las bacterias,
of the little bugs, the bacteria,
que esto, claro, si se descongelan,
that this, of course, if they thaw,
pues se esparcirían por todo el universo
well, they would spread throughout the universe
y matarían a millones y millones
and they would kill millions and millions
y millones y millones de personas.
and millions and millions of people.
Ya.
Already.
Bueno.
Good.
¿Y?
And?
¿Habéis estado un sábado por la tarde
Have you been on a Saturday afternoon?
en un centro comercial?
in a shopping mall?
Pues eso.
Well, that.
A ver, que sí, que sí,
Let's see, yes, yes,
que es una desgracia muy grande, que...
that is a very great misfortune, that...
Chica, mira el lado bueno.
Girl, look on the bright side.
¿Cómo sería poder ir a comprar ropa sola?
What would it be like to go shopping for clothes alone?
Sin tener que llevar a alguien
Without having to take someone.
para irlo soltando por las colas.
to let it loose through the queues.
Por eso yo quiero crear
That's why I want to create.
los espacios sin gente.
the spaces without people.
¿Cómo los espacios sin humo?
How are smoke-free spaces?
Pues espacios sin gente.
Well, spaces without people.
Que tú te vayas a una mascleta
That you go to a mascletà.
y estés ahí codo con codo
and be there shoulder to shoulder
con el señor pirotécnic.
with the fireworks master.
¿Eh? ¿Cómo sería esto?
Huh? How would this be?
Que tú dices, chicas, es que si alargas la mano,
What you say, girls, is that if you reach out your hand,
la mecha la enciendes tú.
You light the wick.
Esto sería disfrutar de unas fiestas
This would be to enjoy some parties.
y de unas fallas en condiciones, ¿no?
And some well-organized Fallas, right?
Pues eso es lo que quiero,
Well, that's what I want,
porque yo, ya os he dicho que soy muy buena persona.
Because I have already told you that I am a very good person.
Quiero que podáis ir a comprar en condiciones,
I want you to be able to go shopping in good conditions.
a coger el ascensor en condiciones,
to take the elevator under proper conditions,
a disfrutar de vuestras fiestas en condiciones.
Enjoy your celebrations properly.
Oye, ¿qué hora es?
Hey, what time is it?
Es tarde ya, ¿no?
It's late already, isn't it?
Llevo aquí rato, ¿verdad?
I've been here for a while, haven't I?
Que se me va la pinza y digo...
I'm losing my mind and I say...
No, lo digo porque me he dejado el coche
No, I say it because I left the car.
en zona minusválidos.
in disabled zone.
No, vamos a ver.
No, let's see.
No, no, no, que lo he hecho
No, no, no, I did it.
para que no llegue ningún desalmado
so that no heartless person arrives
y les quite el sitio.
and I took away the place from them.
Ja.
Yes.
Yo se lo cuido.
I take care of it for you.
¿Eh?
Huh?
Además, ¿qué sabéis qué pasa?
Besides, what do you know is happening?
Que hay veces que ya me canso, de verdad me canso
There are times when I really get tired, I truly get tired.
de estar repitiendo lo buena persona que soy,
of being repeatedly saying how good a person I am,
lo divina,
the divine,
lo extrovertida,
the extroverted one,
lo estupenda, lo sexy...
the wonderful, the sexy...
Ay, chico, que...
Oh, boy, that...
Que ja està, que gràcies, que bona nit!
That's it, thank you, good night!
Ai...
Oh...
Estic a la setmana, setmana d'excursió.
I am on the week, excursion week.
Per a desconnectar.
To disconnect.
És que el meu xiquillo
It's just that my little boy.
som així, eh?
We're like that, huh?
Atrevit.
Daring.
Espontani.
Spontaneous.
Moniatos.
Sweet potatoes.
A quina malhora, eh?
What a shame, huh?
O sigui, qui mos mana
So, who commands us?
a nosaltres anar a ningú?
Do we go to anyone?
Si no sabem anar, no sabem anar.
If we don't know how to go, we don't know how to go.
No?
No?
Sempre acabem igual, perduts en algun tram
We always end up the same, lost in some stretch.
en obres.
under construction.
Un camí així de pedra.
A stone path like this.
Sí, i mosatros convençuts,
Yes, and we are convinced,
però convençuts
but convinced
que és un tram en obres
what is a section under construction
de la...
of the...
de la set, convençuts, sempre!
of thirst, convinced, always!
Sempre!
Always!
Mira allò!
Look at that!
No, però el pitjor de tot
No, but the worst of all.
és que si ens passen estes coses
it's just that if these things happen to us
és per culpa del GPS.
It's because of the GPS.
Segur que hi ha algú que diu
I'm sure there is someone who says.
però com pots perdre't si vas amb GPS?
But how can you get lost if you're using GPS?
Ah!
Ah!
Sospiteu!
Suspect!
Quan escolteu algú dir això,
When you hear someone say this,
sospiteu!
suspect!
Pregunteu-li on treballar.
Ask him where to work.
No! Mireu-li, mireu-li el compte Facebook.
No! Look at his Facebook account.
El compte corrent.
The current account.
Eh?
Huh?
A veure qui l'ha subornat.
Let's see who has bribed him.
Hi ha un complot.
There is a plot.
El GPS no ha portat mai ningú
The GPS has never taken anyone.
al seu vestit.
in her dress.
Mai!
Never!
Coneixeu algú?
Do you know anyone?
Ah!
Ah!
No, no, no, sí.
No, no, no, yes.
Si coneixeu algú, me dieu,
If you know someone, tell me.
però veus...
but you see...
Eh!
Hey!
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Complot, complot.
Plot, plot.
Per a vendre més GPS.
To sell more GPS units.
És això o el meu home i jo som uns inútils de la tecnologia?
Is this it or are my husband and I useless with technology?
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Complot mundial segur.
Global conspiracy for sure.
Home, segur.
Sure, home.
A veure, a veure.
Let's see, let's see.
No estàvem ni deu minuts en la ruta
We were not even ten minutes into the route.
i arribem a la primera rotonda.
And we arrive at the first roundabout.
Si el GPS és un invent maligne,
If GPS is a wicked invention,
les rotondes les va engendrar Satanàs en persona
Roundabouts were spawned by Satan himself.
un dia de ressaca.
a hangover day.
Mira.
Look.
Quan un GPS i una rotonda treballen junts,
When a GPS and a roundabout work together,
tu pots acabar en Sibèria
you could end up in Siberia
encara que en el maleter del cotxe només portes
even though in the car trunk you only carry
la tovallola i dos xancletes.
the towel and two flip-flops.
Això és així.
This is so.
Mira, estem arribant a la rotonda,
Look, we are arriving at the roundabout,
i la veu diu, a 500 metres, agafes...
and the voice says, at 500 meters, you take...
Marta, parla així.
Marta, speak like this.
Què vols que fem?
What do you want us to do?
No puc fer res.
I can't do anything.
A 500 metres agarren la tercera eixida.
At 500 meters, take the third exit.
Fem la primera, fem la segona...
Let's do the first one, let's do the second one...
I el meu home, no, que això no és.
And my man, no, this is not it.
No veus que això és només d'entrada però no d'eixida?
Don't you see that this is only for entry but not for exit?
Però com que no, què ho ha dit ella?
But how come, what did she say?
La quarta, la quinta...
The fourth, the fifth...
I una altra volta a la rotonda.
And again at the roundabout.
No, no, i seguim, i seguim.
No, no, and we continue, and we continue.
Tornem a començar.
Let's start again.
Tornes a començar.
You start again.
La primera, la segona...
The first, the second...
Però ja que no veus que per ahí tornem a casa,
But since you don't see that we're going back home that way,
però com hem de tornar a casa?
but how do we get home?
Si Marta diu que és per ahí.
If Marta says it's over there.
Una altra volta a la rotonda.
Another time at the roundabout.
Mira, d'haver-ho...
Look, if I had known...
Clar, i estàs ahí, i la xiqueta darrere.
Sure, and you're there, and the girl behind.
Mamà, hi arribem, mamà, hi arribem.
Mom, we're getting there, mom, we're getting there.
I Marta, i Marta, recalculando, recalculando.
I Marta, and Marta, recalculating, recalculating.
I van pegar més voltes allò que un ventilador.
They were spinning more than a fan.
Total, que al final, en resum,
In short, in summary,
l'excursió va ser dos hores en l'estació de Cervell
The excursion lasted two hours at the Cervell station.
i set hores pegant-li voltes a la rotonda.
I spent hours going around the roundabout.
I vinga.
Come on.
El que no li heu de pegar més voltes
What you don't need to overthink.
és que aneu a gaudir moltíssim
you are going to enjoy a lot
amb el nostre convidat foraster d'avui.
with our guest from abroad today.
Ell ve de Jaén.
He comes from Jaén.
Un fort aplaudiment per a David Navarro.
A big round of applause for David Navarro.
Bona nit.
Good night.
Muy bien.
Very well.
Buenas noches, soy David Navarro. ¿Qué pasa?
Good evening, I'm David Navarro. What's happening?
Pues ya está, eso es.
Well, that's it.
Vengo de Jaén, también tengo derecho a trabajar, ¿o no es?
I come from Jaén, I also have the right to work, don't I?
Pues eso es, eso es.
Well, that's it, that's it.
Muy bien.
Very well.
Vengo de...
I come from...
Vengo de Jaén, de Jaén, Jaén.
I come from Jaén, from Jaén, Jaén.
Jaén, Jaén. Lo quiero recalcar.
Jaén, Jaén. I want to emphasize that.
Sí, señor, lo recalco porque hay gente en Madrid que me dice...
Yes, sir, I emphasize it because there are people in Madrid who tell me...
Pues yo pensaba que eras murciano.
Well, I thought you were from Murcia.
No, señor, soy de Jaén.
No, sir, I am from Jaén.
No, es que dice... Bueno, me dice...
No, it's just that he says... Well, he tells me...
No, bueno, Murcia, Jaén, están al lado, es lo mismo.
No, well, Murcia, Jaén, they're next to each other, it's the same.
No es lo mismo, son tres horas, tres horas, no están al lado.
It's not the same, it's three hours, three hours, they are not next to each other.
¿Tú de dónde eres? ¿De dónde eres tú?
Where are you from? Where are you from?
Pues de Madrid.
Well, from Madrid.
Bueno, valenciano, estás tres horas, ¿o no es verdad?
Well, Valencian, you're three hours, right?
Pues no es lo mismo.
Well, it's not the same.
Que no soy de Murcia.
I'm not from Murcia.
Bueno, con el ave a la mitad, ¿no?
Well, with the bird halfway, right?
Eres de Requena, prácticamente, vamos.
You are from Requena, practically, come on.
Y 42 años que tengo, recién cumplido.
And I am 42 years old, just turned.
Sí, señor, sí, 42, 42, ya lo sé.
Yes, sir, yes, 42, 42, I already know.
No lo aparento, lo sé perfectamente.
I don't show it, I know it perfectly.
Me conservo muy bien.
I am very well preserved.
Estos no son zumos ni dieta mediterránea,
These are neither juices nor Mediterranean diet,
estos son cremas faciales, todos los días.
these are facial creams, every day.
Ni pel ahí, eso cuesta los dineros, cara, todos los días.
Not for that, it costs money, expensive, every day.
Venga, pa' acá y venga pa' acá.
Come on, over here and come over here.
Las pago yo, hay gente que no puede llegar a fin de mes
I'll pay for them, there are people who can't make ends meet.
y la roban en el Eroski, yo las pago.
and they steal it from Eroski, I'll pay for them.
Yo las pago.
I'll pay for them.
Eso es.
That's it.
Apunta eso.
Write that down.
Cuando he dicho que vine a la Comunidad Valenciana
When I said that I came to the Valencian Community.
tenía a mis amigos de Jaén, los listos, los listos.
I had my friends from Jaén, the clever ones, the smart ones.
Me dice, ya que vas, tráeme naranjas.
He tells me, since you're going, bring me oranges.
Ya están los listos.
The smart ones are already here.
Ya que vas, tráeme naranjas.
Since you're going, bring me oranges.
Pues no, señor, vienes tú y las compras.
Well no, sir, you come and buy them.
¿O no queréis vosotros que venga la gente aquí de turismo
Or don't you want people to come here for tourism?
y se deje el dinero? ¿Queréis o no?
And should the money be left? Do you want it or not?
Sí.
Yes.
Pues eso es lo que tenéis que hacer.
Well, that's what you have to do.
Como me entere yo que vaya mañana alguien a Jaén
If I find out that someone is going to Jaén tomorrow.
y le decís, tráeme aceite, os reviento, ¿eh?
And you say to him, bring me oil, I'll burst you, huh?
No, señor. No, no, no, no, no.
No, sir. No, no, no, no, no.
Vaya a Jaén.
Go to Jaén.
Cogéis el coche, el tren,
You take the car, the train,
vaya a Jaén, a Baeza,
go to Jaén, to Baeza,
a Úbeda, a la Sierra de Cazorla,
to Úbeda, in the Sierra de Cazorla,
de paso, compré aceite, donáis sangre.
By the way, I bought oil, you donate blood.
Que no hace falta.
That is not necessary.
No tenéis horchata en la sangre, ¿eh?
You don't have horchata in your blood, huh?
Pues más dulce sale, para vosotros. Sí, señor.
Well, it comes out sweeter for you. Yes, sir.
Que no puede ser, tráeme naranjas.
It can't be, bring me oranges.
Tráeme naranjas.
Bring me oranges.
¡Imbécil! Tráeme naranjas.
Idiot! Bring me oranges.
Te traigo una paella también.
I'm bringing you a paella too.
Te traigo una paella.
I bring you a paella.
La he hecho en el maletero, no me cuesta ningún trabajo.
I did it in the trunk, it's no trouble for me at all.
Teniendo cuidado la rotonda, ya está, asunto terminado.
Being careful at the roundabout, that's it, matter finished.
Pero bueno, las paellas, cuidado, cuidado.
But well, the paellas, careful, careful.
Esto, las paellas valencianas,
This, the Valencian paellas,
que son las mejores de España, ¿o no es así?
They are the best in Spain, aren't they?
Eso es, porque no se pueden hacer las mejores paellas
That's right, because you can't make the best paellas.
en toda España, ¿eh o no es?
In all of Spain, right?
Eso es. Aunque yo coja un cocinero valenciano
That's it. Even if I get a Valencian cook.
y me lo lleve a Cádiz con sus ingredientes de Valencia,
and I took it to Cádiz with its ingredients from Valencia,
es imposible que salga, que es verdad.
It's impossible for me to go out, that's true.
Eso es. Y la horchata es la mejor de España,
That's right. And the horchata is the best in Spain.
¿eh o no es? Eso es.
Is it or isn't it? That's right.
El gazpacho, la termomix, sale de puta madre,
The gazpacho, the thermomix, comes out great.
pero la horchata, como aquí, ¿verdad?
but the horchata, like here, right?
Eso es así.
That's the way it is.
Es así, ya está.
It is like that, that's it.
Claro.
Of course.
Por cierto,
By the way,
eso de que si te meas es de risa
the fact that if you pee it's funny
y si te cagas es de miedo,
and if you shit yourself, it's from fear,
¿eso quién se lo ha...?
Who has done that...?
Bueno, da igual, olvida eso, da igual.
Well, it doesn't matter, forget that, it doesn't matter.
Y no todas las paellas, ¿eh?
And not all paellas, huh?
No todas las paellas salen bien en la comida valenciana.
Not all paellas turn out well in Valencian cuisine.
No lo digo yo, ¿eh?
I'm not saying it, okay?
Cuidado, yo de aquí quiero salir de una pieza.
Careful, I want to get out of here in one piece.
No lo digo yo.
I'm not the one saying it.
Quiero salir como he entrado. Mi madre me está esperando en Jaén
I want to leave as I came in. My mother is waiting for me in Jaén.
y yo tengo que llegar igual.
and I have to arrive the same.
Lo decís vosotros, vosotros.
You say it, you all.
Ayer estuve en Valencia, sí, señor,
Yesterday I was in Valencia, yes, sir,
en un restaurante con un valenciano.
in a restaurant with a Valencian.
Y le dije, yo se lo dije, digo,
And I told him, I told him, I say,
madre mía, qué buena está la paella.
My goodness, how good the paella is.
Y me dice, mmm, sí, pero no.
And she tells me, mmm, yes, but no.
Digo, ¿cómo que sí, pero no?
I mean, how do you say yes, but no?
Él, no, yo no.
Him, no, not me.
Él lo dijo.
He said it.
Dice, sí, pero no.
He says, yes, but no.
Digo, pero sí o no, ¿cómo que sí, pero no?
I mean, yes or no, how can it be yes, but no?
Dice, es que donde salen buenas son en las casas.
He says that the best ones come from homes.
¿Yo qué me tengo que alquilar una casa
Why do I have to rent a house?
para hacer una paella o qué?
to make a paella or what?
No, es que allí salen en su punto, no sale pegado.
No, it's that they come out just right there, not stuck together.
Que hay casas, lo mismo hay en unas casas específicas
There are houses, the same exists in specific houses.
en una urbanización en las playas de San Juan.
in a residential area on the beaches of San Juan.
Que hay autobús que coger,
There is a bus to take.
lo digo para planificar el viaje cada vez que venga.
I'm saying this to plan the trip every time I come.
¿Será posible?
Will it be possible?
Oye, que no hay que ponerlo difícil al turista.
Hey, we shouldn't make it hard for the tourist.
Hay que ponerlo fácil.
It must be easy.
Hay que venir aquí a disfrutar de toda la comunidad.
You have to come here to enjoy the whole community.
Pues nada, hay que discutir.
Well, nothing, we have to discuss.
Yo no he visto a un español que le guste más discutir
I haven't seen a Spaniard who likes to argue more.
que un valenciano, es que no lo he visto.
that a Valencian, I haven't seen him.
Es una cosa de vosotros, además entre vosotros.
It's a matter of you, furthermore among you.
Venga, no es que las playas de Valencia son menores,
Come on, it's not that the beaches of Valencia are smaller,
las de Alicante son mejores.
The ones from Alicante are better.
Es que tiene una competición ahí que parecéis tontos.
It's just that there is a competition there and you all look foolish.
Vamos a ver, no me quiero ni imaginar
Let's see, I don't even want to imagine.
la de hostias que hay aquí en la guerra civil.
The number of beatings there are here in the Civil War.
Y menos más que sois tres provincias.
And thank goodness you are three provinces.
Llegáis a ser ocho como nosotros
You become eight like us.
y esto es una mascletá diaria, ¿o no es verdad?
And this is a daily mascletà, isn't it true?
Tranquilos, hombre.
Calm down, man.
Hay que poner las cosas fáciles.
We need to make things easy.
Para la gente que venimos de fuera.
For the people who come from outside.
El cocido en Madrid.
The stew in Madrid.
Pues tú te lo pides en cualquier lado y ya está.
Well, you can ask for it anywhere, and that's it.
No hay que ir a una casa ni nada.
There's no need to go to a house or anything.
Que a mí me encanta, me encanta.
I love it, I love it.
El cocido madrileño me gusta a mí.
I like Madrid-style stew.
Yo no lo conocía.
I didn't know him.
Yo lo conocí, el cocido madrileño,
I met him, the Madrid stew,
hace 12 años, cuando yo me fui a Madrid,
twelve years ago, when I went to Madrid,
yo fui y me llevaron, cómico, amigos míos,
I went and they took me, funny, my friends.
me llevaron a un restaurante en la Latina,
they took me to a restaurant in La Latina,
el Malacatín se llama.
It's called Malacatín.
Precioso, del Madrid, castizo.
Precious, from Madrid, authentic.
Este chulo, ¿sabes qué va?
This is cool, do you know what it's about?
Yo llegué allí, me presentó al jefe,
I arrived there, he introduced me to the boss.
a su mujer, que era la cocinera,
to his wife, who was the cook,
y estaba embarazada de gemelo,
and she was pregnant with twins,
y le di la enhorabuena.
and I congratulated him.
Yo soy de Jaén, yo se lo digo.
I am from Jaén, I tell you.
Digo, enhorabuena.
I mean, congratulations.
Dice, muchas gracias, David.
Says, thank you very much, David.
Que vení a probar el cocido.
He came to try the stew.
Digo, pues sí, sí, señora, sí.
I say, well yes, yes, ma'am, yes.
Bueno, pues venga, siéntate ahí.
Well, come on, sit down there.
Digo, bueno, es igual, aquí en la barra.
I mean, well, it doesn't matter, here at the bar.
Dice, no, no, no, siéntate.
He says, no, no, no, sit down.
Manos más que me senté,
I sat down with my hands more than...
que entré a las dos y salí de noche de allí.
I entered at two and left there at night.
Madre mía, porque te empiezan a meter ahí,
Oh my goodness, because they start to put you in there.
la sopa, luego el repollo,
the soup, then the cabbage,
luego la pringada, y yo entre el segundo y el cuarto
then the loser, and me between the second and the fourth
vuelco, perdí el conocimiento, ahí volqué yo.
I flipped over, I lost consciousness, that's where I turned over.
Ahí volqué yo, y luego...
There I poured it out, and then...
Ahí volqué, que me despertó...
There I spilled, that woke me up...
Que me despertó la cocinera,
That the cook woke me up,
ya con los gemelos, ya recién nacido y todo,
already with the twins, already newborn and all,
y después seguí comiendo,
and then I continued eating,
luego los garbanzos, el tocino, la morcilla...
then the chickpeas, the bacon, the blood sausage...
Me llega el camarero y me dice,
The waiter comes up to me and says,
que eres postre. Digo, quiero una ambulancia, por favor.
What you are dessert. I mean, I want an ambulance, please.
Y menos mal, gracias a Dios,
And thank God for that.
gracias a Dios, que el cocido
thank God, the stew
es un plato típico madrileño.
It is a typical dish from Madrid.
El vasco, y no lo cuento, te lo juro.
The Basque, and I'm not counting it, I swear.
No estaría aquí hoy.
I wouldn't be here today.
No estaría aquí.
I wouldn't be here.
Pero bueno, por lo menos
But well, at least
es cocina que nos gusta,
it's cooking that we like,
cocina mediterránea, que está bien,
Mediterranean cuisine, which is good,
está muy bien, y nos gusta, sé de donde sea,
it's very good, and we like it, I know where it comes from,
sé de Valencia, de Jaén, de Madrid,
I know about Valencia, Jaén, Madrid,
está buena, y es bueno que también
She's good-looking, and it's good that she is too.
conozcamos a los de fuera.
let's get to know those from outside.
Lo que no me gusta es la cocina precocinada,
What I don't like is pre-cooked food.
los platos estos que te compras.
the dishes that you buy.
Hay una cosa que me revienta, y lo digo desde aquí,
There is one thing that drives me crazy, and I'm saying it from here,
los platos de pasta,
the pasta dishes,
estos de tortellini, estos que ya los compras hechos,
these tortellini, the ones you buy already made,
que pone dos raciones.
that serves two portions.
No son dos raciones.
They are not two portions.
Es una bien hecha.
It is well done.
Y esto no vamos a consentirlo.
And we are not going to allow this.
Sí, señor.
Yes, sir.
No son dos. Es una bien hecha.
It's not two. It's one well done.
Eso es.
That's it.
Hemos estado callados
We have been silent.
muchos años en España.
many years in Spain.
Y vamos a salir a la calle
And we're going to go out into the street.
a reivindicar nuestros derechos
to claim our rights
por unas raciones dignas.
for dignified portions.
Nos dicen, nos dicen.
They tell us, they tell us.
Sí, señor.
Yes, sir.
Hay que decirlo bien alto.
It must be said loud and clear.
Nos dicen que no hay pasta.
They tell us that there is no money.
Y sí hay pasta.
And yes, there is money.
No son dos raciones. Es una bien hecha.
It's not two servings. It's one well made.
No son dos raciones.
It's not two servings.
Es una bien hecha.
It's well done.
No son dos raciones.
They are not two servings.
Es una bien hecha. Muchas gracias.
It's well done. Thank you very much.
Moltes gràcies.
Thank you very much.
Vaig a fer una enquesta.
I am going to conduct a survey.
A veure... quants de vosaltres teniu pares,
Let's see... how many of you have parents,
al seu demà?
to their tomorrow?
No n'hi ha un noi que no elça la mà.
There isn't a boy who doesn't raise his hand.
Està enclonat en un laboratori
It is stuck in a laboratory.
com Doolly, o...
like Doolly, or...
o eres Terminatorista.
either you're a Terminatorist.
i véns del futur a matar a Sarah Connor.
You come from the future to kill Sarah Connor.
Però això era una pregunta de prova.
But this was a test question.
No ho veus?
Don't you see it?
Els pares són com els culs, que tots en tenim.
Parents are like assholes, we all have them.
Anem a anar a provar amb una altra pregunta.
Let's try with another question.
A quants de vosaltres
To how many of you
vos han avergonyit els vostres pares alguna vegada?
Have your parents ever embarrassed you?
Ah, mira, els més joves es nota de seguida.
Ah, look, you can immediately tell the youngest ones.
Vull dir que són els que ho tenen més recent,
I mean that they are the ones who have it most recently.
ho tenen ahir, ho tenen fresquet.
They have it yesterday, they have it fresh.
Quantes vegades has estat per ahir i els vostres pares
How many times have you been for yesterday and your parents?
i has dit, no, aquesta senyora no la conec jo.
You said, no, I don't know this lady.
No, me l'he trobada ahir en el...
No, I ran into her yesterday in the...
No, no venia amb mi. No, jo anava sola.
No, she wasn't coming with me. No, I was going alone.
O sigui, històries d'aquestes en té
In other words, he has stories like these.
per a contar un cabàs
to count a basket
la nostra pròxima convidada.
our next guest.
Un fort aplaudiment per a Marta Flix!
A big round of applause for Marta Flix!
Què passa?
What's happening?
Què passa? Com esteu bé?
What's happening? How are you all doing?
Esteu bé?
Are you okay?
Doncs anem a posar-li remei, no?
Well, let's do something about it, shall we?
He arribat jo, què tal?
I've arrived, how about you?
Vaig a parlar d'internet
I am going to talk about the internet.
perquè...
because...
Jo soc una entesa en internet
I am an expert on the internet.
i vos duc una primícia,
I bring you a gift.
bueno, soc Marta Flix, evidentment,
Well, I am Marta Flix, obviously,
i és que internet no és segur.
And it's that the internet is not safe.
No, perquè poden passar-hi una muntanya de coses
No, because a mountain of things can happen there.
com, per exemple, que t'insulten des de la conxinxina
like, for example, that they insult you from the other side of the world
o que t'està fent un príncep nigerià
or that a Nigerian prince is doing to you
o que t'he comprat unes bragues
or that I bought you some panties
i que quan les veig siguen unes altres.
and that when I see them they are others.
Però el pitjor de tot no és això.
But the worst of all is not this.
El pitjor de tot és que tu penges una foto
The worst part is that you post a photo.
en el Facebook
on Facebook
i la comente ta mare.
And your mother comments.
Això és increïble.
This is incredible.
O sigui, això no passa de la nit al matí, eh?
So, this doesn't happen overnight, right?
Això és un procés.
This is a process.
O sigui, el dia que ta mare et diu
So, the day your mother tells you
Escolta, xiqueta, això de l'internet i les xarxes socials,
Listen, girl, this about the internet and social networks,
això què és?
What is this?
I tu, mama, en el Facebook?
And you, mom, on Facebook?
Vos què? Que divertit, que t'obri un compte
What about you? How funny, let him open an account.
i ja veuràs tu que guai.
And you'll see how cool it is.
A veure, ha sigut millor que t'hagués rentat
Let's see, it would have been better if I had washed you.
les dents en sal fumant.
the teeth in hot smoke.
En sèrio, o sigui, és el principi del fi.
Seriously, I mean, it's the beginning of the end.
Perquè els pares mos ho han ensenyat tot, no?
Because our parents have taught us everything, right?
Ha rentat molt les dents, les mans, el cul, eh?
He has washed his teeth, hands, and butt a lot, huh?
I ara tu te sents ahí una superioritat moral
And now you feel a moral superiority there.
i vols tornar-los el favor.
And you want to return the favor.
Ja l'has obert el compte de Facebook
Have you opened the Facebook account yet?
i ella el primer que fa és
and the first thing she does is
una sol·licitud d'amistat per tu
a friend request for you
i l'atrapa, l'atrasca el xato, eh?
And it catches him, it delays the kid, huh?
Que dius, no sé jo, no vaig a preguntar-hi, aquí vol més, però bueno.
What do you say, I don't know, I'm not going to ask, it wants more here, but well.
Després, a la tia Enriqueta, eh?
Later, to Aunt Enriqueta, huh?
Que no té foto de perfil, lo normal.
He doesn't have a profile picture, that's normal.
I després, pues lo tipping, no?
And then, well the tipping, right?
A Shakira i a Bussamante.
To Shakira and Bussamante.
Perquè sé que no pot viure sense ells.
Because I know that he/she cannot live without them.
I ella se posa una superfoto de perfil
She puts a super profile picture of herself.
de fa...
from...
l'any de la polca, eh?
The year of the polka, huh?
Que duia ahí un banyador estupendo
That she was wearing a fabulous swimsuit.
i, claro, vinga a entrar-li, tio.
Yeah, sure, come on in, man.
I jo, hòstia, que és ma mare, tio.
And me, damn it, that's my mother, man.
O sea, vinga a entrar-li, tio, i s'ha dit
So, come on, let's go for it, man, it's been said.
sol·licitud d'amistat, i ma mare, ai, mira, Marta, mira
friend request, and my mother, oh, look, Marta, look
quants amics tinc.
how many friends do I have.
I jo, tenc tot una cara de psicòpata.
And me, I have quite a psychopathic face.
Ella està en el món d'internet
She is in the world of the internet.
i llavors ella comença a compartir vídeos virals, eh?
And then she starts sharing viral videos, right?
O sea, vídeos virals que ja no són virals
In other words, viral videos that are no longer viral.
però ja que se pensa que són virals, els compartís, vale?
But since they think they are viral, you'll share them, okay?
Després, fotos de gatets
Afterward, photos of kittens.
en likes, flower power
in likes, flower power
i després frases de Paolo Coelho, en plan
And then phrases from Paolo Coelho, like
no desistes de l'amor, que no sé què, hashtag suerte, Paolo.
Don't give up on love, I don't know what, hashtag luck, Paolo.
O sea, bueno.
In other words, well.
I lo siguiente que fa és ja entrar en el món
And the next thing he does is enter the world.
d'advertències, no?
Of warnings, right?
I diu, cuidao, no aneu a irse súper
And he says, be careful, don't go crazy.
que en els plàtanos posen cocaïna.
that they put cocaine in the bananas.
En plan, mamà,
Like, Mom,
tu saps lo que val la droga?
Do you know what drugs are worth?
Com pa que la regalen?
Like bread that they give away?
No, o això que diuen,
No, or what they say,
envies 50, el missatge este
send 50, this message
50 contactes
50 contacts
i te regalen un iPhone d'última generació.
And they give you a latest generation iPhone.
Vale, has anat al súper, t'has comprat
Okay, you went to the supermarket, you bought yourself
el plàtan i te l'has metxat, mamà.
The banana, you have smashed it, mom.
O sea, pero vamos, o sea.
I mean, but come on, I mean.
Arriba un moment
A moment arrives.
en el que ella ja se sent
in which she already feels
còmoda i és quan
comfortable and it's when
és realment perillosa, eh?
It's really dangerous, isn't it?
Cuidao, perquè ella penja
Be careful, because she is hanging.
una foto, eh? Una foto teua,
a photo, huh? A photo of you,
ahí, de xocoteta, que se te veu el parruset,
there, from the little one, you can see your little butt.
eh? En la banyereta,
Eh? In the little bathtub,
totes no tenim d'estes, eh?
Not all of us have these, right?
I tots els seus psicòpates
And all your psychopaths
estan bé en la teua foto i t'etiqueta.
They look good in your photo and tag you.
I tu no. Bueno, però no és igual
And you don’t. Well, but it’s not the same.
perquè tu estàs ahí en el teu Facebook
because you are there on your Facebook
posant la teua foto
putting your photo
en morrets, en una sofisticada indiferència,
in little deaths, in a sophisticated indifference,
no? En plan, així
No? Like, like this.
en la bohèmia, i tot el món
in the bohemia, and the whole world
ah, like, que guai eres, que guapa,
Ah, like, how cool you are, how beautiful.
clar, perquè els teus col·legues tenen bon gust, no?
Of course, because your colleagues have good taste, right?
Que guapa, jo sí, i tal, no sé què.
How pretty, me yes, and so on, I don't know what.
I entonces comenta ta mare,
And then your mother comments,
xiqueta, que no te llevaràs esa camiseta que pareces una yonqui?
Girl, aren't you going to take off that t-shirt? You look like a junkie!
O sea, diuen
I mean, they say.
que els pares mos diuen les coses perquè mos volen.
that our parents tell us things because they love us.
Pues jo no vull saber si ma mare no m'ho diguera
Well, I don't want to know if my mother didn't tell me.
lo que me diria. I afegís,
what it would tell me. And I would add,
i ese cigarro que tens en la boca, quan vinguis a casa
And that cigarette you have in your mouth, when you come home.
parlarem. O sea, duc
we will talk. That is, I bring
40 anys fumant i s'ha enterat
40 years smoking and he/she has found out.
pel Facebook.
for Facebook.
El cas és que
The fact is that
arriba el moment en el que ta mare
the moment comes when your mother
controla tant Facebook que ja fa
it controls both Facebook and it is already doing
memes del tipus
type of memes
en Julio Iglesias dient
in Julio Iglesias saying
i lo sabes.
And you know it.
I ahí arriba el moment en el que ho dius, vale,
And up there the moment when you say it, okay,
ok, n'hi ha 500.000 persones
ok, there are 500,000 people.
en el Facebook, però jo no puc pegar un pas sense
on Facebook, but I can't take a step without
veure a ma mare. Facebook se m'ha quedat
see my mother. Facebook has frozen on me.
xocotet. Me'n vaig a Twitter,
xocotet. I'm going to Twitter,
al pati dels majors. I vas allà a Twitter,
in the senior yard. And you go there to Twitter,
tornes un compte i està ta mare
You come back a bill and your mother is there.
amb 1.006 seguidors.
with 1,006 followers.
Que per les nits ja no comenteu el programa
That you no longer comment on the program at night.
i acusin calcetins en plan, ai, mira, no, no,
and accuse socks like, oh, look, no, no,
que és hater, que comenten el hashtag,
what is a hater, that they comment on the hashtag,
tot. En plan, però per favor, que Toni Cantó
everything. I mean, please, Toni Cantó
li ha dit, deixa'm en pau! O sea,
he told her, leave me alone! I mean,
per favor, que Risto Mejí de la Té bloqueja!
Please, Risto Mejide from the Té blocks me!
No, no, no,
No, no, no,
no pot ser, en fi.
it can't be, oh well.
I jo pensava que s'anava a quedar així la cosa, però no,
And I thought it was going to stay like this, but no,
no ha anat a més. Ha anat a més, ara s'ha fet
it hasn't gone any further. It has gone further, now it has become
un Instagram, i jo m'ho vull morir,
an Instagram, and I want to die because of it,
perquè, clar, ara,
because, of course, now,
clar, ella és molt bona cuinera, i penja
Of course, she is a very good cook, and she hangs.
fotos, que si... Arroz se'n fa sol,
photos, yes... Rice cooks itself.
s'ha dit, pap, que si la Fideuà, vinga,
It's been said, dad, that if the Fideuà, come on,
les fotos, clar, s'ha fet famosa, i ara
the photos, of course, have become famous, and now
ella, no te'n pensis que penja la primera foto,
she, don't think that she's posting the first photo,
ne penja les 50, les 500,
hang up the 50, the 500,
el que siga, i això té efectes col·laterals.
whatever it is, and this has collateral effects.
És que mon pare i jo no mengem paella calenta
It's just that my father and I don't eat hot paella.
des de fa sis diumenges. Això no pot ser.
for six Sundays now. This cannot be.
Doncs ha passat.
Well, it has happened.
Teniu mares influencers,
You have influencer mothers,
i dic, bueno, doncs ja està, s'ha bragotat,
I say, well, that's it, it's been bragged.
ha tocat això, ja està, no. Doncs no, no,
it has touched this, that's it, no. Well no, no.
ella vol ser youtuber. Com ara el Rubius s'ha estressat,
she wants to be a youtuber. Like now Rubius has gotten stressed,
doncs vol ser youtuber, ella vol cobrir
so she wants to be a YouTuber, she wants to cover
i s'ha vacant. I entonces jo li vaig dir,
and it has become vacant. And then I told him,
dic, mamà, que... Perquè jo no soc idiota,
I say, mom, that... Because I'm not an idiot,
tampoc no, jo. Mamà, ja que, si vols,
me neither, I. Mom, since, if you want,
que pensis...
what you think...
Vegem vídeos de... Fent-te el dinar
Let's watch videos of... Making lunch
i tal, no sé què, i si no, mos fem famoses les dues,
and so on, I don't know what, and if not, let's make both of us famous,
anem a xarau, i tal. I ma mare, no,
let's go to talk, and so on. And my mother, no,
no, no. I jo, per què? I diu, no, perquè
No, no. And me, why? And he says, no, because.
és que tu no eres ningú, no te coneix ningú,
it's that you are nobody, nobody knows you,
i m'ha dit el meu community manager,
my community manager told me,
eh?
Huh?
Mamà,
Mom,
que si no tens més de 3.000 seguidors,
that if you have fewer than 3,000 followers,
no eres ningú. Així n'és
you are nobody. That's how it is.
que no pot ser. O sigui, a mi,
that can't be. I mean, to me,
a mi, que li ho he ensenyat tot en internet.
to me, who has taught him everything on the internet.
Així n'ha que esteu a temps, eh?
So there are some of you who are on time, right?
Quan vostra mare vos diga, què és això de les xarxes,
When your mother asks you, what is this about networks,
no li digueu res.
don't say anything to him/her.
No cal, i sa superioritat moral,
Not necessary, and its moral superiority,
no cal, no li digueu res.
No need, don't tell him anything.
Està molt bé parlant-te en la tele,
It's very nice talking to you on the phone.
i no fa mal a ningú.
and it doesn't hurt anyone.
Hola, ningú.
Hello, nobody.
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