2Guys, 1 Brain #529

Oh, she keep her mouth together. Hey, hey, whoa. Hey, hey, family show. What the hell? Okay.

Can you hear that? Yeah. Is this happening? Is this happening? I think it's happening. This is live. You guys are in for a treat.

Are you recording this? Yeah. Not a lot of guys have seen this. Two guys. Awesome. Two guys. Two guys. One break. Wow. Two guys. One break.

Dos vatos.

Bro. Did someone else show up? Bro. The cops. Who's my dog barking at? Bro. Okay. Okay. All-star cast. I have a feeling, I feel like this is going to be ridiculously long.

You've never said that before. That's the first time ever. From the cheap sheet, that's what she said. Thank you, everybody.

Okay. So this is...

This is the show you've all been waiting for. And let me just start out by saying I did a lot of work...

You did.

...to make this happen.

You did.

So if it's not...

Did you get rid of the dogs before we started?

If it's not recording properly, it's not my fault.

We're going to lose another show.

So do you remember, it's been eight months ago, I know this because Google told me.

Okay.

We were supposed to have Vaughn on the show.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Vaughn was supposed to be here tonight.

We have a different name for him, although, okay.

Right.

Vag.

So we're going to not get...

Did I get the names right because I'm inebriated?

The warden.

Yes.

Did someone come in?

No.

Okay.

We, eight months ago, were supposed to have Vaughn on the show.

And in preparation for that, we put something out on Facebook to our listeners to call in with Vaughn's mom jokes.

Right.

We had preparation A through G.

The audience is awesome.

And then preparation H was the one we actually were going with.

We got shit tons of them.

I saved three.

So here's...

This one.

Hey, this is Heather calling for you, Mama Joke.

Vaughn's mama is so fat, Dora can't explore her.

Nice.

Okay.

And if Vaughn was here, he would have appreciated that.

And I have to tell you, I was hoping they would be a lot more vulgar than they turned out to be.

Hi, you guys.

This is Susan, as in Bruce and Susan.

And just to let you know, Vaughn's mama is so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, her reflection ducked.

Ducked?

Ducked.

All right.

Thank you.

Bye.

Susan?

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh.

Charlie White brought me to live Colorado, just calling in to say, a podcast.

A podcast.

A podcast, people.

There's been a lot of complaints because there haven't been very many shows.

Yeah.

Forgot.

Vaughn's mom, so strong, she drinks Nutella through a straw.

That could have been a lot raunchier.

Yeah.

But I think everyone gets the message.

So anyway, if we didn't use yours, sorry, Vaughn didn't show up.

If he was here, I probably maybe would have put in the time.

Right.

And for those who are not on the Facebook, the Facebook, that's what we call it.

That's how you call it.

Why did we not do a show?

Completely Andy's fault.

Well, no.

The technology of the show.

We actually tried and our ship broke.

The, the, uh...

The mixing board that we had, still have, for 10 years or so, gave up the ghost.

And so I had to buy a new one.

Right.

And I have a story about that, that I already told.

Right.

About the ridiculous laws that protect no one except the bad people.

But anyway, I ultimately ended up buying a brand new one and that's what we're using.

And so I'm sure everything sounds completely different.

Maybe better.

Maybe this might be a good show.

Doubtful.

Because of that.

I don't think it's better, but it's the newest...

It's the newest version of the same thing we had.

All right.

But also, because there's a room full of jailers, I made it go through the speakers so everyone

could hear all the other stuff that's happening.

So there's a little bit of an echo.

Is that...

How are you doing with that?

I'm fine.

No, I don't notice a thing.

Okay.

Earlier, I did a little test section where I played the music and talked and I could

hear it all through the speakers and everything was perfect.

Look at you.

I thought, oh, this is awesome.

And then I went to play it back and none of the music showed up.

Oh, God.

It was jumbled.

It was just me.

All right.

Just me.

So far, no music and no callers have been heard.

Just us.

Just us sounding retarded.

We can dub those back in.

Okay.

Here's a caller and I wanted to throw this out there because there's a room full of

people here who need to understand the true level of...

Devotion?

Devotion or...

Love is not the right word.

Lust.

There's a word I'm looking for.

Smegma.

That listeners have for us that you fuckers don't.

And it's the respect.

Hey, you guys.

I'm Brain.

This is Justin Weeks in Richmond, Virginia.

Last time I sent a text message and I don't know.

I guess I should have probably just called in to leave a voicemail.

Big fan of your show.

I'm a respiratory therapist.

I drive for a living.

So I listen to podcasts.

Not too many podcasts that I listen to compared to what you guys got going on.

Love it.

I've been going through all the archived episodes.

And pretty soon I'm probably going to be a historian on y'all's show.

But anyways, love the show.

It's awesome.

Always have a good time listening to it.

It's a very, very good show.

Yeah.

Last time I listened to the most recent episode, Andy said he was going to send me a text message.

I guess he was just joking around.

I got all hyped up.

And I was like, oh, man, Andy's going to send me a text message.

That's awesome.

And, yeah, of course, he never did.

But I guess he was just joking around.

Because I was not calling in.

And I was just texting.

So I guess that's my bad.

Anyways, you guys are freaking great.

Love the show more than anything, man.

As many episodes as y'all can make, I will appreciate that.

When I drive around and I do it with all my patience.

Love to have the break in between listening to you guys.

So keep up the good work.

And hopefully.

Hopefully talk to you all again soon.

Bye.

Okay.

There's a total stranger 40 states away who loves us.

You guys get us every day.

And we're like dicks to you.

Yeah, no appreciation at all.

Just saying.

Okay.

Should.

We're like dicks to them.

We are dicks to them.

No.

They treat us as if we were.

That's what I meant to say.

The flap of skin.

Yes.

Okay.

Got it.

Okay.

Should we just do the jailer story thing and move right into it?

Might as well.

We don't have a real plan, right?

Oh, there you go.

The angry Mormons showed up.

The angry Mormons here.

Yay!

Okay.

First this.

Jailers, prepare yourself for an epic journey of discovery and enlightenment as you sit

along with men and women of corrections and detention.

Oh, you have a job.

You have to come up with a Spanish woman.

All suspects are probably guilty, even if we can't prove it in a court of law.

Okay.

So, what we have in the room, you probably couldn't tell, is a conglomeration of jailers,

some of whom we have talked about.

What do you call a group of jailers?

A murder?

A cage?

A cage of jailers?

Don't call it murder.

A cage of jailers.

I like it.

A cell.

A cell of jailers.

A sale of jailers.

I said murders.

A sale of murders.

A sale.

Have another drink, Andy.

Okay.

All right.

So, what we wanted to do was get our favorite jailers together to tell their favorite jailers,

their favorite jailers, and their favorite jailers.

And their favorite jailer stories.

But all we got were these guys.

But all we got was these guys.

So, we're going to do the best we can.

We're going to do the best we can.

So, we have Pat, who, of course, is a returning favorite.

Yeah.

I mean, he's a veteran.

Probably the highest rated show we ever had.

Highest rated show of all time.

I think largely due to the Burt Reynolds pose he did on my bed for the cover art.

Too true.

It's true.

Yeah.

And instead of his arm, he had a baseball mitt.

Uh-huh.

Down there to block, you know, the goods.

So, we got Pat.

Pat has his own microphone.

He's choosing not to use it right now.

No, I do.

I'm trying to get Gano on the hookup.

Oh.

He's texting right now trying to get...

I bought a cable.

The warden.

Supposedly to hook the phone through the board so we could hear his phone call.

If he actually calls, we'll try to make that work, which will be awesome.

Yeah.

No way it's going to work.

No way at all it's going to work.

Then we have...

We refer to him as Officer Buddy on the show.

All right.

He doesn't have a microphone right now, although there's one right there no one's using.

Right.

Just saying.

On your knees.

There's a chair.

In front of that microphone right now.

There's a chair right here.

Chop, chop.

Just saying.

He's not that kind of buddy.

He is the one.

I'm just going to say Adam.

I'm going to use people's names because I'm looking at their faces.

No.

No names.

Okay.

The reason we...

Incidentally, the reason we don't use anyone's names is because when Andy and I are here

talking to each other...

Use my name.

We don't have...

Use my name.

We don't have anyone's permission to use their name.

Right.

So we don't.

I think by virtue of the fact that you're here, we kind of have your permission.

Officer Vern Troyer doesn't sound like he's very into that right now.

We want to be anonymous.

Okay.

Adam is the one that was with me when he basically caused me to injure myself.

Right.

Which we're going to talk about.

Oh, yeah.

I got it.

I got a lot of questions about that.

It's going to be a three-hour show, everybody.

There was a reward.

I got a reward for injuring myself.

You cannot lose this show.

You did not get an award for that.

I did.

Not an award.

Would you like me to show it to you?

You got a medal.

Were you there?

I got a medal.

Were you there to get it?

No.

Shut up.

You got a medal for that.

I got a purple heart for wounding myself in the service of my community, Pat.

I got a letter.

Awesome.

I got a letter.

You got a letter.

Very good.

Officer Buddy got a letter.

Yeah.

He got one for falling down the stairs.

You're going to be grudging me my medal, Pat.

No, I'm not.

And then, have we ever referred to a...

Yes.

What I don't recall.

Big unit?

Okay.

Probably.

Deputy Big Unit.

I find it hard to believe there hasn't been at least one Drew story since the big 500

episodes.

We've talked about him.

And then a P2 who got a reward for falling down the stairs.

An award.

Not a reward.

No, I got a reward.

You got a reward?

You should see it.

It's awesome.

It's money.

All right.

Monetary reward.

I'll show it to you.

It's awesome.

Ew, gross.

And by the way, P2 holds the record for Girl Scout cookie sales in the greater Washington,

Oregon area.

I thought you were going to say Girl Slade.

Did all of you guys get Girl Scout cookies from P2?

Yeah.

You did.

I did.

Did you?

No, I have not.

You must have left before that happened.

So, yeah.

So, you opened the door.

You opened the door with girls in P2.

Yeah.

You're going to have to talk about that.

We'll talk about that later, maybe.

All right.

I live vicariously through him, by the way.

Is TJ on the show?

Have we referred to TJ at all?

I'm sure we've had stories about him.

I don't recall.

I don't know what I had for breakfast yesterday anyway.

And then world famous Officer Bob.

Yep.

Officer Bob has been on plenty of shows.

Probably never, no one's ever actually heard your voice, I don't think.

Yeah, he has to have been.

There's a whole extra microphone right there no one's using, by the way.

We should put it up.

Put it up here.

It was, okay.

I will do that.

You talk while I do stuff.

Okay.

Thank you.

So, we have all of these jailers, and we wanted to get some jailer stories.

And the microphone.

From these jailers.

So, let's just start.

Let's start with you.

Okay.

The most popular episode you guys have ever had.

The one that I was on.

Yes, exactly.

The most listened to.

And to remind the viewers, the listeners at home on 250 Stages.

Stations worldwide.

I snuck in on Andy and dropped the bomb on him and basically did like a 30-minute roast.

I don't have 30 minutes of roast on you because we've only been working together in the unit

for a couple months.

However, here's one to start off.

So, for those that don't know.

It was a very prestigious award.

Yeah.

The Purple Heart.

So, I've been in and out of transport over the last three years.

I haven't been out, so I've been gone for three years, and I haven't really worked

with you guys.

In that time, we've had new judges, new courtrooms, a lot of stuff has changed, a lot of stuff's

happened.

So, to describe it and break it down for the listeners, the 250,000 listeners and viewers

worldwide.

Easily.

Yes.

Way more than that.

We take the inmates from the jail, and we go over a sky bridge where we go down the

stairs into an elevator that leads us to the courthouse.

So, Randy and I are assigned to court together.

It's my first two days.

Okay.

All right.

Randy's got the inmates.

Let's go.

Early January.

So, off we go.

I look at our deployment, and every morning, our good sergeant lists out a deployment of

what our assignments are, what courtrooms, who we're taking.

Randy and I are teamed up together.

I said, hey, Randy, this new judge, Judge blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know where this courtroom is.

Randy says, what's the judge's name?

And we'll just say Judge Smith.

Well, I don't know either.

And I stop, and I say, you've been here three years.

You don't know where this courtroom is?

Don't you?

True.

No.

Do you remember this now?

I do.

This did happen, yes.

I don't know.

Which then led to about three or four cuss words.

Are you kidding me?

You really don't know?

I don't.

Myself?

I really don't know.

And Albert Einstein, do not memorize things that we can look up.

Which, so, I get on the radio now.

Hey, does anybody know where Judge is?

Yeah.

I look at Randy, and he's still, he's perplexed.

Right.

He's still clueless to where we're going.

And I'm thinking, are you playing a joke?

Is it funny hee-hee on me?

Nope.

Are we getting the guy who's-

You have one of four chances to get the right floor.

Yeah.

So, I get with another coworker, and I'm like, hey, man, is Randy all right?

We're trying to go to court.

He doesn't even know where the hell we're going.

That's great.

He says, oh, you won't believe it.

The sergeant has to call him in the morning to wake him up to get ready for the shuttle.

I'm like, you are-

No.

Hold on.

I'm like, you are kidding me.

All right.

So, a couple weeks go by.

Only half true.

And-

Our good sergeant's hanging out at the deployment.

I tease.

Are you getting a little sweaty?

I tease.

Are you getting a little sweaty?

Oh, my.

Randy's getting a little sweaty.

And she says, oh, and by the way, Randy, you're doing the shuttle next two days.

Well, if you don't call me, I won't remember.

I won't get up.

And I sit back, and I'm like, it's true.

Okay.

That is not what happened.

No, no, no.

Now you sound like-

No.

In transport, all in favor, to the school, raise your hand.

It's unanimous.

Unanimous.

No, no.

She said, two weeks from Thursday, you have to do the shuttle in the morning.

Okay.

I'm not going to remember that.

No, you won't.

Someone needs to tell me.

That is true.

Yes, that is true.

Stop.

The start time for the shuttle's been the same for 20 years.

It's the day he won't remember.

I won't, yeah.

If I'm not on the shuttle, and it's randomly one day in the middle of the month, I have

to be at work at 6.30.

I'm not going to be there.

If he remembers the night before that he has to get up for the shuttle, he'll be on time.

Yeah.

All right.

Let me ask you this.

Have you ever slept in or missed the shuttle?

No.

I don't think so.

I don't think so either.

I would think I would know if I did that.

No.

Because my I-team tells me that you-

I'm going to say no.

My I-team, I've got my own do-do-do-do-do I-team, tells me that you've actually been

tardy, and they've had to take off without you.

That is not true.

I missed battleground court one time, and big units had to cover for me.

Because the good sergeant didn't text you or call you and let you know?

It's once a week on a Thursday, and the first-

The first Thursday of the month, I didn't realize it was my turn, and so I just showed

up and worked at regular time.

I don't think he can eat all that.

I'm sorry.

It's every week on a Thursday.

I'm sorry.

The angry Mormon brought cookies.

Yeah.

Adam has a big plate full of probably 20 cookies in his lap, and the running joke is, I don't

think he can eat all that.

He's about halfway through.

I notice it hasn't made its way around to anyone else.

No.

I got one.

Okay.

You got a cookie?

I got a cookie.

Okay.

I thought you had a J-List.

Ain't it on here.

No, no, no.

You don't get to defend yourself yet.

All right.

The Pat Show.

Are you-

Welcome to the Pat Show, everybody.

I'm done.

Give the people what they want.

Ball sack.

Give the people-

There it is.

You asked what they wanted.

That's what they want.

I knew he was going to say that.

They want ball sack.

So I actually need Adam to come over here, because Adam, interesting guy.

I think we could all agree Adam's an interesting guy.

I mean, yes.

He's all right.

Yeah, he's okay.

He's all right.

Adam, prior to being a jailer, the most interesting thing about Adam, I feel like, is that he

was a war nurse.

Adam was a war nurse.

You've seen the movie War Horse.

War Nurse.

This is War Nurse.

Very similar.

Bray for us.

My skirt and my hat was camouflaged.

You didn't tell me.

Did you get one of the hats?

Because that's pretty cool.

They don't issue that to us.

Okay.

I'm going to turn this towards your face.

Okay, great.

Faces.

You know the laugh track that people have on the show?

The big show right now, if you're not listening, his one-liners over are awesome.

He doesn't have a microphone.

No.

He needs a microphone.

He needs to be mic'd up.

But that's typical of him.

He's the comment sniper.

Can we call this the Randy, Andy, and Pat show tonight?

Sure.

I think you have top billing.

I'm N-bomb.

It's Pat Randy.

Nice segue to Andy because I'm not done with you.

Nine guys, one Bray.

Yeah.

I've done nothing.

Just let's segue, but just to let you know, I'm coming back on you because I got-

I don't have to remember every courtroom, every single time.

It's on the schedule.

I just look on the schedule.

Speaking of time, how about one more time?

One time.

Sure did get quiet.

One time.

No.

All right.

Go ahead.

Warners.

Okay.

So, yeah.

Warners.

I digress.

Go ahead.

So, you were a nurse, correct?

Licensed practical nurse, yes.

Licensed practical nurse in the what branch?

Army Reserve.

In the Army Reserve.

You ended up over in Iraq, I want to say?

Afghanistan, Iraq?

I was originally in Desert Storm.

I was over in Saudi Arabia.

Okay.

So, the war nurse stories that I've heard from you took place in what country?

Probably.

Most of the stories you probably heard from me is when I was overseas in Bosnia during

the Balkan Wars.

Okay.

See?

Wasn't even aware we had those.

That's how much history I have.

We were a police force at that time.

Okay.

And you were nursing?

Yes.

So, your duties consisted of what?

Yeah.

Nursing.

Yeah.

Nursing.

Like what, though?

I mean, are we talking about...

Well, in my position at that time, I was kind of administrative, but I would also work in

the intensive care unit and the emergency room.

For people injured in the war?

Yeah.

People that were injured, people that were sick.

It was...

It kind of covered the gap.

Anybody.

Civilians and or...

Yeah.

Pretty much everything.

Yeah.

Is this the minute and a half of serious talk?

Oh, really?

Civilians?

Oh, yeah.

So, was it like MASH?

Like the tents out in the...

Yeah.

Very similar to that.

And they would bomb you during the day and then at night you would patch people up?

No, we didn't get bombed.

Oh.

It was beyond the bombing at that point.

Were you honeycut or were you...

He was hot lips.

Yeah.

How...

Well, if your wife could talk.

How...

How were these people getting injured that you need...

Is she mute?

Well, most of them were either like, what happened?

I didn't know.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

She was mute.

Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Continue.

I got it.

I mean, he...

Okay.

He said she couldn't talk.

No, I got it.

It was a thing.

If she could.

So, most of the people would get injured either...

Again.

No, I know.

Training accidents or rolling over vehicles.

We had one guy, he was doing a demonstration, a DOD demonstration with a grenade rifle and

he blew his fingertips off.

I mean, and then we occasionally would have, like if they were to go in and get a prisoner

of, or not a prisoner of war, but what they called them persons indicted for war crimes

and they'd get in a shootout.

We had a case of that where the guy got shot up pretty bad.

The bad guy or the good guy?

The bad guy.

And we had to patch him up so we could send him to the Hague so they could kill him.

You don't want to get a case of that.

Yeah.

So, you were taking care of the good guys, the bad guys.

It didn't matter.

Yeah.

In war, you take care of everything.

It doesn't make a difference.

Yeah.

I didn't know.

Sick and injured is sick and injured.

I thought that we trained up a bunch of guys to go over there and kill people.

And what you're saying is if they don't die all the way-

Well, then we have to fix them.

Yeah.

You have to fix them.

That's it.

Yeah.

I did not know that.

In fact, most of the people we saw in Desert Storm was enemy.

We didn't really take care of anybody of our troops necessarily, mostly enemy.

Which I'm guessing prepared you for jailing because-

No.

There's nothing that could prepare me for that.

They weren't-

They weren't happy to see you, though.

Actually, in Desert Storm, they were really happy to see us.

The enemy was really happy to see us because we treated them very nice.

Okay.

So far, this isn't a very interesting story.

Yeah, no.

I'm not sure why you went down this road.

It got serious.

I disagree.

I think it's very interesting.

It went from the Randy Rose to-

Yeah, we need to go back.

Anything to divert attention away from-

Yes.

I feel very strong about America right now.

Hey, and not that I appreciate your service and thank you.

Ah.

Dang.

Well, look at him.

I feel like he's-

Look at his face.

That's fantastic.

You don't come from anybody else.

You probably have a lot of vets who are listening to your show.

Heck yeah, we do.

Yeah.

We-

Okay.

Speaking of, have you seen-

I almost called it a jersey, which would be, I think, probably disrespectful, but the camo

outfit that we got-

The BDU shirt.

The BDU.

Some guys from-

Who were in Iraq at the time-

Right.

Ordered us up a BDU uniform.

Ryan.

Oh, no.

No, I've never seen that.

Yeah, it's really cool.

And the name tag says 2G1B on it.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

We didn't get anything like that from you.

I'm just-

Just throwing it out there.

I'm a nurse.

I'll bring you an enema with 2G1B on it.

Oh, sure.

Bedpan?

Anything.

I'll take it.

Sure.

Okay.

But you did, one of the stories that I heard, you did get into a battle.

You got into a battle where you were-

It's a safe place, Adam.

It's okay to talk about it.

You want to talk about that?

This is a safe-

It's the tree of safety.

You were dropping ordnance off the roof of a hospital.

Yeah, that-

I don't know if you could really say that one.

Is this a Patch Adams story?

This was an-

This was us passing time.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

It was very intense when you told it to me.

I was like-

Well, it was-

Well, we had to do something.

Hanging on every word.

Start with, okay, so there's five guys in a tent.

So there we were.

It was freezing cold.

No.

No, this was just us.

It was just us needing to entertain ourselves.

How tall-

Set the scene.

How tall was the building?

Okay, so we're talking when we were over in Saudi Arabia in Desert Storm.

We had three buildings, and they were nine stories.

So you're nine stories up.

Yeah, we were on the roof.

Minding your own business.

Perilously-

Somewhat, yeah.

On the precipice.

You're on the edge.

Disaster is steps away.

Yeah, we looked at it as securing that building from anybody.

Uh-huh.

Friendly airfoil.

Friendly airfoil entering.

Dark.

Oh, yeah.

At night stories, you can see us at night.

Yeah, so nighttime.

Okay.

Absolutely.

You're poised on the roof.

That's scary.

Poised, yeah.

Protecting the entrances to the building.

Our territory, yes.

With water-filled gloves and balloons and whatever we could find that would hold water

and burst upon impact, yes.

So unsuspecting, I'm guessing, Americans.

Mostly.

Friendlies.

I mean, we were up nine stories.

We really couldn't tell if they were entering or not.

They're trying to enter the building.

Yeah.

Well, the only way to get to that building was across the courtyard that kind of separated

the two buildings.

Uh-huh.

And so we're at nine stories, and quite entertaining is that they would come out, and it was like

nine o'clock at night, and it's nice and warm, and they'd get maybe a quarter away from the

building they were leaving to come to our building, and that's when they would start

to see some one or two.

Yeah.

Expanded remnants.

Expanded.

Yeah, expended remnants.

On the ground.

Yeah.

And they would kind of have this puzzled look.

We could tell there was a puzzled look on our face because they weren't just trotting along,

enjoying the evening.

They suddenly went, oh, something's going on here.

They would stop and they would point and turn to the person with them.

Yeah.

And we'd kind of look around a little bit.

But they would keep walking, and about halfway across is when we would start to launch the

barrage.

Uh-huh.

And it was like three of us that could really pinpoint.

And then we'd go, okay, we're going to take that.

then there was like three others that were just kind of like cover fire cover fire exactly and

so corralled into the area halfway across you know there's a little few more rounds that they

could see and so now they're kind of at a slow jog maybe a little quick walk and and they even

begin the serpentine thing you know and then and that's when things would start to hit and so then

they really like really trying to figure out where they're coming from and it rank meant nothing to

us it really meant nothing could you really tell from nine stories though well we could we could

tell who they were but we you know we didn't really care um i mean we got lieutenant colonels

and i mean and so now they're kind of like on a on a quicker pace and they're really trying to

use cover and um to no avail and because these things were really coming in at them and so

three quarters of the way now i mean that's that was our kill zone you know that was that was the

box right there and they are in a dead sprint and i mean

you

now even the cover fire is getting really pinpointed and nobody i think made it across

that breezeway without getting at least you know hit once or twice and then of course they were

cursing us and we're gonna come up and get you and so the higher the rank was we would we would

determine whether we would bail off the roof real quick was was there an egress was there a way

yeah there was like three or four exits three or four different ways we could take off off the top

of the building oh that happens to me yes we really had to guess you know

and and they would know if it was up because we'd be out of breath

you i don't know what you're talking about there's some crazy something

if that were me i would run up there as fast as i could and join them i would that'd be hilarious

we literally had a couple balloons that were like so filled up that it would throw them and

it was more like you just kind of rolled them off the edge and they would probably cover like

you know three square feet when they hit him around it was it was pretty big but oh my gosh

big. That run up there and join them thing reminds

me. Remember when the doorknob on the

inside of the locker room kept pulling off?

Yes. Like you'd walk down there, you'd open the door,

and when you went to pull it shut, it'd come off in your hand? Yes.

There'd be three or four guys standing in the locker room

whom that had already happened to, who would just

laugh hysterically at you because the doorknob

came off in your hand. And then as soon as you got

done laughing and being pissed off, you'd be like,

we're going to put it back. We've got to get it on.

The ball's coming. The ball's coming.

We've got to get it.

By the way,

I've reached out to him several times

and threatened his wife

to no response.

He's a...

Question. Yes.

How many prostate checks did you do in the military?

Ooh. How many have I had

or how many have I given? Either or. Go ahead.

I want to know both.

No, I've never given one.

And why would you? Officially.

Not officially, right?

In the military. Those guys are running around in hot

camo. In the military, I've never given one.

A lot of gear, it's hot.

Guys are having problems. They probably need their prostate.

If you've got a weekend pass.

You'd probably do one, right?

Is heat an issue, really, with your prostate?

This is really more of a nursing home question.

Well, you're a military nurse, correct?

Right.

All right. So, please.

No, I never did a prostate exam for anybody in the military.

Turn to the left and cough. How many?

No, I've never done that either.

What's the weirdest thing you've done?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

It doesn't have to be, like...

It doesn't have to be gory.

Well, you know, that's the thing.

Some of the stories I would tell would probably be like...

I'd touch somebody's butt or something.

Just something, the weirdest thing you've ever done.

But if it's something about the butt,

you can tell us about it.

I...

For example, the weirdest thing I've seen Andy do

was during a forced strip search.

We're in the rubber room,

throw the guy down on the ground.

Someone has to yank his pants down.

We physically placed him on the ground.

We didn't throw him on the ground.

Somebody has to place...

Use the correct term for this.

...place their gloved hands on his buttocks

and spread the butt cheeks apart

to physically view the anus

to make sure there's nothing in there.

And just as the butt cheeks parted,

Andy says from the back of the room...

The big show says sphincter.

Andy says from the back of the room,

It's all right.

I did do that.

It was weird.

It had to be done.

I entertain myself, that's for sure.

That's the kind of thing we want to know about.

We were just talking about things like that this morning.

I don't think I've ever done anything like that.

The weirdest thing I've ever done.

God dang, I've done a lot of weird things.

Would you like to do?

What's the weirdest thing you'd like to do?

Put that toothpaste away.

Thank you, big show.

That was good.

You know, I've heard many references to the toothpaste

and I do not know the story.

We're going to have to ask the big unit about that.

I'm not sure that can actually go on this show.

That's higher rated than NC-17.

Blood is a lubricant, I've heard.

It can be until it starts to coagulate.

Okay.

It's not any fun.

Nursing home.

Could be nursing home.

Well, you know, we were talking earlier

about different body functions

and I had a really great story, but I...

Wait, wait, wait.

It was out of place.

This is both you and your wife.

It has nothing to do with...

Oh, no.

Ouch.

No, it has nothing to do...

No, bodily functions, you segwayed into it.

So let me ask you a question.

It has nothing to do with my wife.

Just let me ask you a question.

No, you're not going to get an answer on this one here.

Let me ask you a question.

Can I call you Adam?

No.

So, a nursing home story.

Oh, I'm sorry.

There's got to be a nursing home story.

So, I mean, you know...

This is after Army nurse.

Okay, well, I got my degree.

Before January.

I got my license through the military,

but then I was reserved,

so I had to have a civilian job

and the first job you get is a nursing home.

You just don't jump into hospitals.

Right off the bat.

So, I worked at a nursing home

for probably about four years

before I went to a hospital.

And, you know, nursing homes

seem to be very preoccupied with bowel movements.

You know, that's...

I mean, they really do.

They get upset if you haven't

gone to take a dump in three days

and they're already...

I'm glad you brought that up.

Yeah.

Because that's where I was headed

with the question.

We'll get back to that.

We will get some questions, won't we, Pat?

So, anyhow, they get a little preoccupied.

Well, this...

They share bathrooms.

They had a bathroom between two rooms

and I happened to go into a bathroom

for whatever reason.

I think I was taking care of a patient.

I had to empty a commode.

And, no, don't...

I'm not that...

Taking care of a patient.

Got it.

Yeah, I was taking care of him.

At any rate,

one of the gentlemen in the other room

had literally just gotten done in the bathroom.

And I swear to God,

this is the largest turd I've ever seen.

I mean, it's like...

Do you...

I don't know how to describe it.

It had to be at least like a foot long.

Like a German hand grenade.

It would be bigger.

Bigger.

Bigger than a German hand grenade.

It was more like an anti-tank mine.

I mean, the thing was...

Is it a requirement that you view the bowel movements

of the elderly?

Was it a dirty bomb?

Well, no, no.

But you couldn't help this.

Oh.

I mean, literally, you couldn't help it.

And so, I'm looking at this

and my first reaction...

Guns are getting tossed.

Holy shit, there's guns in the room.

There's firearms.

I heard the click of a gun.

If this bothers you, I will stop.

Wow.

Here comes a...

Open the gun down.

I mean, we probably shouldn't even say that.

No.

Yeah.

Some people are a little personal.

I mean...

It's the ATF in here without the...

Literally, everyone in the room is armed

and the guns are out and being compared now.

And I don't understand why that's happening, but...

We're going to interrupt this show for some gunplay.

Anyway, to finish this off...

It was a big one.

It was huge.

And literally, you'd flush and the water would go around this thing.

To finish this off.

I mean, it just...

It wasn't going...

It was like a bridge.

The Duke of Death.

It was not going down to the boat.

I was actually...

Very impressed that this man was able to pass this without screaming.

Because I didn't hear a peep out of him.

And we had the little...

He was also a mute.

Like a little maintenance guy.

And he was a Filipino fella and didn't speak real good English.

But that's not the point.

But we said, hey, you got to come in here and you got to take care of this thing.

You wanted him to break it up.

Yeah.

He needed to chip it up so it would go down.

He needed to poke it with something.

Yeah.

They have these little hoses on the side wall for cleaning out the bedpans and stuff like that.

And this thing...

I mean...

It was like welding with this thing.

And just...

It wasn't doing anything to this.

I mean, it was literally a brick.

And I'm...

And this guy...

I said, hey, you got to come in here and take it.

And he was cursing in Spanish.

It was quite impressive.

But he was...

He was just like...

And I don't...

It took him at least a half an hour.

Are we...

Is he going to...

There's gun stuff going on still.

We're good.

Go ahead.

Continue.

You know...

Back to your poop.

Okay.

I'm done with poop.

I see the bullet.

Bullets are out of the gun.

Okay.

So, I mean, yeah.

That was a little...

A little disturbing.

But that was...

Andy and I had a similar thing with a female who was not much larger than this beer bottle.

Yeah.

She was a thin little thing.

And she ruined the industrial strength toilet at Main Holding.

That's impressive.

Yeah.

That's impressive.

We've told that on the air.

Yes.

You know my questions are coming, Adam.

You keep looking at me like, please don't ask me any questions.

Go ahead.

Personal lives.

Personal life of Adam.

No.

We're not going to get too personal.

Go ahead.

People are only interested in James.

They're real...

You think so?

You don't think they care about us as people?

Because we're human beings, too.

We're boring, though.

We are human beings.

However, Andy and I started, like, the first five episodes, we didn't even tell people

we were jailers.

Zero listeners.

Zero.

Okay.

Episode six.

Oh, by the way, we're going to jail 14,000 listeners.

All right.

So, here's a jail...

Here's an Adam jail story.

Can I give an Adam?

Yes.

All right.

Yes.

Tell a story.

You know where this is going, don't you?

No.

But...

It'll be okay.

It'll be all right.

It's like a Band-Aid.

Just rip it off.

Go.

Go with it, man.

Just go with it.

Roll.

Hey, you know, I'll...

Just relax and take it.

It'll be over before you know it.

I don't know.

Was it five, six years ago?

We're all in transport, and the good sergeant says, hey, I need someone to stay in court.

Oh, God.

No, no, that's not how it went.

Go ahead.

I'm looking for Adam, and I happen to be crossing paths with Adam, returning an inmate back

to their living unit, and the sergeant gets on the radio.

This is all a lie.

Adam, I need you to stay, and he looks at me off the top of his lungs.

Not on the radio, but on the top of his lungs.

Everyone knows what's coming.

I got daycare.

I can't stay.

If anybody knows Pat, he exaggerates.

Which has turned into a long-running, probably six-year, all throughout the jail.

That was something I heard about before I even got there.

There's road cops actually doing it now.

I got daycare.

The guys on the road are going, whoa, that's mine.

I got daycare.

Back off.

I got daycare.

I heard that on control, too.

I'm sorry.

Daycare.

We're in a traffic accident.

Adam, can you stay right on the porch?

I got daycare.

Daycare, 1837.

The thing of it is, though, is at the time he had daycare, his kids are like 23 and 21.

So, everyone's like, what?

I had a youngin'.

But to be fair, Adam was late today because he got stuck in court.

Yes.

Late to us.

Not to work.

Late here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Late to us.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate you.

I enjoy working with you.

Thank you.

Next guest.

It's the Pat Show, everybody.

It's the Pat Show.

Woo!

I'm sorry.

This has been fun.

It's been real.

I did get the most hits.

You guys do have a thousand people worldwide listening to your show.

I think it's the hair, to be honest.

Yeah.

It's good.

It's good hair.

It looks like it needs to be cut.

Your hair?

No, yours.

It's getting a little long.

I noticed it today, and I went, he probably ought to have that cut.

They call me Hollywood for a reason.

Well, they're going to start calling me something different.

That's not a self-proclaimed nickname.

We need to eat.

We need to get the unit up here.

What do people call me?

The unit.

Yeah.

The big unit needs to come up here.

I'm out.

Yeah.

I have a great unit story.

Let's change it out.

And I may have told, I may have mentioned this.

Good job.

I believe I was working Graveyard Main Jail with the big unit.

He had just recently had surgery.

Not HIPAA.

I don't want to.

Well, you're not going to say why.

I don't want to give away.

It was a lengthening.

It was.

Just a lengthening.

He had surgery.

That would have knocked a normal human being out of work for a while.

Right.

I don't know why.

We need to get him on the mic now.

Come up here, man.

Just sit in this chair.

Take the mic over to him.

Come on.

We're in booking.

Can I interrupt?

Yes.

So the unit or the big show.

Yes.

He's to those.

Have you given a physical description to him to your viewers?

Listeners worldwide.

The one million.

Here's the thing.

When you work with the big unit, what you hear 45, 50 times a day is, how tall are you?

Yes.

Inmates.

Inmates have no filter.

No.

An inmate one time, for example, said to Andy, say, CO, didn't you used to be obese?

They have no filter.

They won't.

Nothing is off limits.

So when they see the big unit, they say, holy shit, how tall are you?

Right.

And he will say, I'm 6'11", and shit, or whatever.

He has a stock answer that he says to them all.

6'9", 3 quarters.

He's very tall.

Yes.

He's a very tall fellow.

So big unit is working in booking.

He's recently had surgery that required an incision.

Right.

There was cutting, and he was gingerly, but at work.

And I knew this.

I knew that he was at work with an abdominal wound.

Give him the mic.

It was slowing him up.

I'm going to put it in front of him.

He ain't taking it.

God, sit up here, man.

Oh, he takes it.

He takes it.

So he's at work, and I know that he's compromised, but he's not letting on to anyone that he's compromised.

But when I'm at work, and I don't feel well, or I have an injury, I'll sort of hang back.

Every day.

Hey, it was a very prestigious award.

Big show.

Hold on.

Big show.

Come on.

Please take the mic for a minute.

Really.

You don't have to talk.

I'll hold your hand for this whole thing.

He's not having it.

He's not going to be on air.

It's all right.

So we're in booking.

He's functioning as an officer, but I know that he's compromised.

A guy comes in who's ever been as tall and big as him, and he's super drunk, and he's

super crazy.

And we refer to the big unit as the crazy whisperer, because for some reason, the crazy

people respond to him when he deals with them.

They'll be angry.

They'll be enraged.

They'll want to fight.

Yeah.

And the biggest, most ominous...

Most oppressive-looking dude will come up to them and talk to them, and they just treat

them like a normal person.

They sort of snap out of it.

It's weird.

I think it's the...

Somebody described it as the bubble in the level.

Maybe.

So when they have to tilt their head to look up at him, that bubble hits that spot where

it's like, I'm no longer crazy.

I can talk to this guy as a normal person.

It's like grabbing a cat by the back of the neck.

Yeah.

They sort of calm down.

It's like, oh, I'm done.

Yeah.

There's nothing I can do.

This guy, he's big.

He's angry.

He's nutty.

He comes in, and he wants to fight.

And big unit says to him, hey, put your hands on the counter.

No, I'm not going to put my hands on the counter.

Fine, then.

Take off your shoes.

Okay, I will.

And he bends over, and he takes off his shoes.

It's the weirdest thing.

And so he's taking off his shoes, and when he bends over to take off his shoes, his pants

fall down to the middle of his thighs.

And a normal person, especially someone who was injured and didn't want to fight, would

just stand there and say nothing.

But the big unit says, I see London, I see France, I see crazy guys underpants.

And the crazy guy hears it, and he says, what'd you say?

And Drew says, I said put your hands on the counter.

And he says, okay.

And he puts his hands on the counter.

Craziest shit I've ever seen.

So he would tell him to do something.

He would be fighting mad.

He would turn, I'm not going to do it.

You can't make me.

We're going to fight right now.

And he would tell him to do something else.

And he'd say, okay, I will.

Did that the whole time.

It's bizarre.

Yeah, it's crazy.

And there's no, Drew was not in any shape to fight, which was the thing.

Wait, wait.

He's in shape.

He's 6'9".

Not at that time.

No.

No, not with that procedure.

He was compromised.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

He was compromised.

No, I mean, he could have, and he would have, but he would have been off probably for a little

while.

Okay, I just recalled something.

The big unit is actually.

He's famous on this show.

I know.

I was about to bring that up.

We have posters on this show made by listeners.

We have listeners who will call, and the only thing they will say on their phone call, the

phone call will connect.

A listener who we do not know will say, bucket of fish and hang up.

Yep.

That was Drew.

Yep.

There was a crazy guy in Bucky.

Yep.

Standing on the other side of the counter.

That was a very funny moment.

Yeah.

Well, go ahead.

Whoa, whoa.

So we were just, it was the early days of the jailing.

And Drew and I were out there, I think the bench was actually there at the time, so maybe

it wasn't too early days.

And he was just rambling.

It was just a crazy dude, non-threatening, not much of a story other than the fact that

he would say things and probably murder, yeah, exactly.

But uneventful for me, except for he would say things and the crazy whisperer would say

things back to him.

And he was trying to.

And he was trying to, in his jumbled brain, not the crazy whisperer, the crazy guy, was

trying to relay a story to us.

And he was telling a story, but it wasn't coming out correctly.

And a phrase here, a phrase here, and then bucket of fish, and then a phrase here.

And he zoned in on it.

It was like, bucket of fish.

And that was it.

The rest of the night was bucket of fish.

Yeah.

The crazy guy would start ramping up or getting a little out of hand.

And unit would say, bucket of fish.

Right.

Yeah, bucket of fish.

He would use bucket of fish and he'd get back to his story.

And he was okay.

It would bring him back.

Yeah.

So for the million listeners worldwide, the big show.

Which is true.

Yeah.

The big unit.

And he's being facetious.

I'm not being facetious.

My phone was blown up from the episode I was on.

We prefer doing the three different names.

So we just want to make all the listeners, the big show, the big unit, and the crazy

whisperer is all the same.

It's all the same guy.

Individual.

And if you look.

He's so tall, he gets three nicknames.

Yes.

Yeah.

If you look.

If you look at the 2G1B logo, which is on the poster in the living room.

Yes.

There is a bucket of fish on it because of that.

Because of him.

Yeah.

Yes.

So that's a season one, episode 10, probably, story that we told.

And we'd like to thank him for coming on the mic and talking.

Right.

Thanks.

So for your listeners, so they understand that when we talk about some of those jailers,

you know how the guard jailer perception is.

The big show is six, nine, and three quarters, probably 275 pounds.

Yeah.

All state.

All state collegiate high school wrestler, University of Oregon football.

I mean.

Drafted.

Drafted in the NFL.

Yeah.

Phenomenal shape.

So he's not the typical what you see on Spike TV show.

Chiseled, he's saying.

Yeah.

All right.

He's chiseled.

I mean, I could take him.

Sure.

But.

Sure.

But I won't.

Sure.

But I don't want to embarrass him.

No.

Just.

This is radio.

I could do that.

Hell yeah.

This is internet sound audio.

So.

To the 1.5 million listeners worldwide.

And he can take him.

Worldwide is true.

He's right behind me.

He keeps saying worldwide like he's being facetious.

We have.

Yeah.

We got an email from someone.

I'm not being facetious.

Where is Belize, by the way?

We got an email from someone in Belize.

I think it's in Georgia.

Central America.

Somewhere Georgia.

Yeah.

When I reference all the listeners out there, that's all the feedback I got from the show

that I was on.

Okay.

I mean, it was.

Yeah.

I couldn't.

Our first official listener was Andy Mann in Austria.

Austria.

Our very first phone call was from another country.

Yes.

And before I forget, this is also true because I finally remembered the password to the email

account on the show.

You got to write that down, man.

You got to write it down.

Was it Ballsack?

Ballsack.

Yeah.

Ballsack.

In case I forget.

Ballsack 58.

If I ask.

We got a bunch.

And I mean a bunch of emails from Russia.

From.

Spam.

Obviously.

No.

Well.

Okay.

I don't know.

They're there.

It's broken English emails.

Russian email addresses.

A lot of Russian symbols.

I received one on my phone.

Yeah.

My personal email.

Okay.

Yeah.

We've got an all of a sudden just a rash of them.

What happens is other podcast.

Other websites will try to sell advertising to sell podcasts.

Right.

And they will hijack your podcast feed and put it on their thing as though it's theirs.

And then they will.

So you'll get a bunch of hits from some.

Country where you've not gotten hits before.

That's happening in Russia right now.

And all of them are sending us emails asking for free stuff.

Yeah.

I get that.

Yeah.

I've gotten a bunch of emails.

They're obviously written by people.

With the broken English.

Who want us to send them free stuff.

From our.

With our logo on it.

I don't know why.

I don't know why that's happening.

Maybe it's not an interesting story.

But all of a sudden.

We have all these.

Can I interrupt your guys' show?

For the 1.7.

It's your show.

2.7.

No.

For the 1.75.

It's more now.

It's more.

Can we get P2 up here?

Because I got some questions for you.

Yes.

P2.

We got some questions.

Come on up here and grab the mic.

Because I got some questions for you.

Have a seat.

Come on.

No.

Come on.

The highest.

It's.

The highest volume.

You want to pause.

You want to pause while we convince him.

It's jailer night.

Highest volume Girl Scout cookie salesman in the Washington, Oregon.

He brings more food.

Idaho.

Tri-state area.

To the office than anyone in transport history.

Is that.

You know.

That's true.

You usually.

His face is already red.

That's why I got a lot of questions for you.

You'll murder it.

And then you'll bring it in.

And you'll boil it in beer.

And then we will eat it.

The 2.

Million listeners need to hear from you.

P2.

Come on up.

Yes.

Grab the mic.

Come on.

P2 just recently rejoined transport.

He did.

And funny story.

Actually offered to kill me at one point.

Because I accidentally.

I mean.

I didn't mean to.

But when Andy.

He was.

Went to transport.

I also bid to transport.

And the guy that I pushed out of transport was P2.

And it.

Wow.

It did not make him happy.

Can we talk about the 7 degrees of you and P2?

No.

Okay.

Can we?

The listeners are very familiar with you who will not be named.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I was just going to go off on 7 degrees of you guys.

And yeah.

Come on man.

P2 you might want to come up here and defend yourself now that I think about it.

Here he comes.

P2 grab the mic.

So we we've shared a lot of things.

We have a lot of things.

There's a there's a truck for example.

And a trailer.

We've shared a truck couple trailers.

Only one trailer.

Somehow there was two trailers.

The other one was my brother not mine.

Oh no no.

There was two travel trailers.

There was.

You're right.

Yeah.

But I didn't have the long one.

Actually Adam was in on that travel trailer thing too.

A little bit.

So it's a very.

It's a very close knit family we have here at the at the Clark County Jail at the unit.

So.

No no no.

That's the unit.

The unit.

That's the big unit.

Right.

All right.

So P2 let's talk.

Pat what would you like to talk about.

You know my face is already red.

I know.

All you have to do is look at me and make my face red.

I know.

So Pat you.

Sorry.

No.

No go ahead.

P2.

You were in the jail for one year or two years.

Three years.

Three years since I came on.

It went by like that.

It was fast.

Like it wasn't even there.

It wasn't even there.

So.

You must have.

You've been in the the actual jail more than the transport for the last three years.

Correct.

There must be a jailer story.

There must be something floating around in there that that's funny to you.

Yeah.

We're just going to stare at you silently until you you you put me on the spot.

I wasn't expecting that.

I've got my head down.

I'm looking down.

I'm looking at you.

You're doing.

And Pat I appreciate that.

Thanks.

I really don't have one right now.

We can we can hear about the story of your award or reward as Randy says.

That's right.

You received a prestigious reward also.

That's pretty interesting.

I think so.

So.

That is one thing Randy and I share.

We do share.

We share a beautiful Purple Heart Award.

Purple Purple Heart Medal.

It's an actual medal.

Guys.

It's an actual medal that.

So.

What was it?

No names.

Oh.

Wow.

Edit that.

Now we got to do editing.

Edit.

Beep.

We have to actually edit now.

Dang it.

Beep.

Has not come back to work yet.

Okay.

So.

Seriously.

You did get a Purple Heart.

I did.

You were responding to a code zero.

Which is a big deal.

It's not a.

I'll go if I want to.

It's a.

You got to go.

Got to go.

Okay.

So let's.

Let's hear it.

I think I know.

I know.

It's a good story.

I really do.

It's a good story.

Good story.

Let's hear it.

It's not great, but whatever.

Okay.

What were you doing?

What were you doing when it.

When.

I was working swing shift in EPOD.

Okay.

I was EPOD officer.

So stop.

Minding your own business.

You're minding your own business in EPOD.

Minding my business.

And code zero is called on the radio.

Okay.

I respond.

Meaning.

Officer needs assistance.

Officer needs.

Right away.

I'm not kidding around.

Officer's in a fight.

Let's go.

Something's going on bad.

Yeah.

So stop what you're doing and come help me right now is what it means.

Correct.

So I run from EPOD, go down the west fire stairs and run into, oops.

Beep.

More editing.

All right.

We got this.

So much for no names.

Another employee.

It is what it is.

We run into another employee.

Ran into another employee.

Edit.

Who.

Foot.

You were going faster than him.

I was going faster than him.

Gotcha.

And he just, well, just slowed me down.

I sidestepped him and went down three stairs, tore five ligaments and two tendons in my left

ankle.

And you were, after that, you were in main control for 14 years.

Well, I can.

Oh my God.

I'm not kidding.

Now to be fair, I continued to run all the way to the fight.

Sure.

He did change a lot of policy on that.

Main control tour.

I made it to the fight.

And I think that's the key to the Purple Heart is if you still get in the fight, it doesn't

matter who you are.

It doesn't matter who you are.

I made it to the fight.

And I think that's the key to the Purple Heart is if you still get in the fight, it doesn't

matter how you hurt yourself.

Correct.

I think, I think that's what it boils down to.

Right?

Yeah.

I was there all the way.

And then yes, I did 42 years in main control.

Yes.

Three and a half years, but that was a very long three and a half years.

No, I'm sure it was not any longer to anyone else than it was to you.

We were poking fun.

Three and a half years had to seem like 50.

Seriously.

Oh, for sure.

It's horrible.

Main control is horrible.

But two reconstructive surgeries.

Yeah.

On this left ankle was time-consuming.

Oh, sure.

Sure.

There's that.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Sure painted something.

But I did come to work.

Hey, I got an idea.

What's that?

Can we change the show to Two Guys, One Brain in Hollywood?

Sure.

All right.

Anyway, next question.

Sure.

I think that goes without saying.

I think it was done before.

Duh.

Yeah.

Hollywood, I'm glad you're back this year.

I'm glad we're working together.

It's not about me.

Tonight's show is about you.

Now there's three million listeners.

Yes.

All right.

I would agree with that.

It gets better and better every time now.

Okay.

So your brother also works at the jail.

Correct?

He was in my academy, right?

He was.

I know.

Because he was my roommate at the academy.

He talked a lot about you driving.

Oh, I know.

I got some questions for you.

There was a couple of academy stories involved.

No.

I know of one in particular and I want some.

She's not a current employee.

I feel like we can tell.

Oh, let's not.

No.

Wait a second.

We have enough editing as it is.

You know what I'm talking...

You know where I'm going.

I do know where you're going and there's enough editing as there is.

This was my very first...

Were you married at the time?

I was.

Then...

This was my very first experience with...

Was your brother married?

No.

So he was single.

Correct.

I found out...

You were married.

Yes.

You were married.

Yes.

Hollywood's in charge.

I found out that day.

No, go, go, go.

I'm done.

All right.

Thanks a lot, listeners.

The one listener got to go.

I found out that...

Just kidding.

I found out in the Academy that if a sergeant suggests that you write a report, that's kind

of mandatory.

It's not a suggestion.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I think you should write a report.

I didn't know that.

So Scott and I are roommates at the Academy and they ream it into you immediately that

the appearance of impropriety is impropriety.

Okay?

They beat it into you from day one.

We're at the Academy.

Uh-huh.

It's not going to be very long.

I'm on probation.

Scott and I are roommates.

We're sharing a room.

There's two beds in it.

So let's talk about that.

We're cool.

Let's talk about that.

Scott and I were cool.

But the sleeping arrangements.

You said you had two rooms and one bed?

Yeah.

Was it like bunk beds?

I meant...

Did they make you guys share a twin bed or tell us about that?

They were twin beds on either side.

You two shared.

Why was one never messed up?

And there was like a dresser.

It was cold.

There was like a dresser down the middle.

There was like a desk in the middle.

So you could both be in the room, but you didn't have to look at each other if you didn't

want to.

Okay.

Block the faces.

It's kind of like Adam's bathroom.

There's a wall between the two toilets.

Yes.

So if the husband and wife wanted to use the bathroom, they could just like look over

the top.

Oh, no.

So there was this female...

I'm sorry.

No names.

There was this female...

Can we call you Nurse Adam?

And what are we at the Academy?

We're not cadets.

It's Patch Adam.

We're not cadets.

Patch Adam.

What are we at the Academy?

I got dinked.

When we're not...

When we don't...

What are we?

Please.

Whatever.

We're new guys.

Newbies.

Noobs.

So there were nine of us, which at that time was the biggest class.

The next one was much bigger, but at that time the nine of us that went up were the

biggest class they had been in a while from Clark County.

One of the nine was a female.

No longer...

She didn't make it out of the Academy.

Please no names.

No names.

We're editing.

It doesn't matter.

All right.

We get it.

She was at the Academy.

She was very young.

I don't think so I'll tell you my side

And I disagree

She was trouble

Because I was her FTO at that time

So we're going to debate

I was not aware of that but here's what happened with me

And her we're going to call her spring

No

No no

Oh my god

We're going to end the shoot out of this man

For the two listeners out there

We're going to back up

Scotty and I

This is a bad idea

Are sharing a room

I'm walking I've dropped the mic

And we've been told

And this female the academy is really full

So this female has a room at a hotel

Very near the academy

But she's not staying in the dorms with the rest of us

So

It was full

There was no space for her so they put her in a hotel nearby

I stayed in a hotel

Okay I didn't

I had a room because there wasn't enough room for me

Okay so

I was a W so I got put in the

At the end

She

I got put in the hotel

Okay

So

Lucky

We get done with our stuff for the day

It's an eight to five thing basically at the academy

We're going to go have dinner

We wear uniforms at the academy

Afterwards we take our uniforms off

We're going to go to dinner

So instead of wanting to go all the way back to her hotel

She was going to change at the academy

This was not our idea

Scot and I were against it

I'm in my room

I knew my own business

Changing my clothes

I happened to be standing there in my skivvies

Switching from my uniform

Which I'm hanging in the armoire closet thing

To my civilian clothes

So we can go have something to eat

Scot is doing the same thing

She opens the door to our room without knocking

Walks in

Closes the door behind her

We're in our underwear

This is already the appearance of impropriety

Right

And we're like

Whoa whoa whoa whoa

You can't

You can't be in here

And she's like

I don't mind

And she shucks her duds

She's changing her clothes in our room

That did not happen to me

With us

Yes

We are in there

This is a well known fact

This isn't like something we're disclosing right now

It happened

For the first time yeah

I had no control over it

I didn't invite her

I told her not to do it

And you're not going to put hands on her

And dump her

And throw her out in the hallway

No

So what do you freaking do?

Just stop

I'm just saying

I'm just saying because that's assault

I would like to point out

That I was the farthest one from the door

So if anyone was going to do that

It wouldn't have been me

But anyway

So I'm changing my clothes

And I mean I literally

Stepped into the armoire

To put my clothes on

I mean I was mortified

Like all they

Wait wait wait

Come on

All they have done

For the whole time

We've been at the academy

Is tell us

Don't let this happen to you

And here she comes

It's like holy shit

So I put my clothes on

Wait wait wait

Just stop for a second

It was cold Bob

Guy to guy

It was cold

That was good

Okay so really

Really

Hold on hold on

Guy to guy

Yes

Look at me look at me

Yes I'm telling you the truth

Don't look at him

I didn't want to get fired

Look at me

I'm not afraid of girls

What were you making at the time

Like 12.50 an hour?

Yes but it was

I'd given up a pretty good job

To take this job

And I didn't want to get fired

Right at that moment

You were an electrical engineer

Before you came here right?

Right

So

Or an airline pilot

What did you do before you worked?

So Scotty and I

Will you answer me?

He was president of BP

Exactly

Scotty and I

So what guy

Is going to go

Get our clothes on

As quickly as we can

And we're like

Seriously you gotta

You gotta get out of here

Did anybody

Sure you did

This is unacceptable

You can't

What the hell

So she's like

No it's okay I don't mind

It's like she's not listening

She's autistic or something

I don't know

Sure talking fast

She puts

She changes her clothes

So to

On the inside of the room

It was very awkward

And not entertaining at all

Uh huh

To the outside of the room

A female walked into our room

In one set of clothes

And walked out of our room

In a different set of clothes

Just stop

Just stop right there

We had no control over

No stop

Stop

Pat

You're

No name

Stop with the name

Stop

I know

Let's just

For the 2.5 million listeners

Yes

What you're telling them is

A female

Yes

A female

Came into your room

Yes

Decided to change her clothes

In front of you

A much younger

Stop right there

I'm just saying

Just stop right there

Not something that should have

Happened

Here comes the truth

But it did

And what you're telling us

Just think of Bea Arthur

No now now wait

No

She was no Bea Arthur

No she was no Bea Arthur

So

No physics

No description

Bea Arthur

Dish

So we walk out of the room

We get in the car

We go have dinner

It's a thing

With her

You invited her to dinner

After she changed in front of you

Well wouldn't you

Wouldn't you

The nine of us

Of course

Yeah okay

Absolutely

It was not an invite

We didn't invite her after

We were all going to dinner

And that was a decision

That she made

You're getting no sympathy

From your 1.75 million listeners

All right

But I'm just telling you

What happened

So this happened

And we're thinking

Okay well maybe nobody noticed

Everyone knew

Every

Oh sure

Fucking buddy noticed

So like

The next day

Bright and early

Oh 600

Whatever the fuck it is

The sergeant

At the time

Who's also no longer

An employee

But I won't say his name

So anyway

Not because of that

Because he had a lengthy

Good career

He retired

I just saw him the other day

As a matter of fact

So he

Calls me

To the office

At the academy

And he

Me and Scotty

And I was like

Oh shit

Scotty and I

So we

We

We walk in

To the sergeant's office

And you know that scene

In Top Gun

Where

The guy

is banging his fist

And yelling

And Tom

Tom Skerritt

Yeah

And he's like

I can't believe

I gotta send you two

Yahoo's to

Whatever

It's like that

We did a flyby

Of the tower

And he's pissed off

Not authorized

Got it

And he's like

What happened

I heard

That a female

Cadet

For the lack of a better term

Walked into your room

In one outfit

And came out

In another outfit

And that is the appearance

Of impropriety

And haven't you been listening

And he's pissed off

And I'm sitting there

And all I'm thinking is

I knew she was gonna get in trouble

That's what I'm thinking

Oh yeah yeah

I'm like

You don't think you're involved

Because you didn't do anything

I didn't do anything

I gotcha

I tried to tell her

God stupid girl

You know that's what I'm thinking

And he's

He is in my face

I mean my hair is blowing back

What

You know

Yeah

I had

I had hair at the time

Yeah

There's spittle

On my eyeglasses

I'm fogging up

And he says

Yeah they were fogging up

So he gets all done

Screaming at the two of us

And we're sitting in chairs

With legs about

This long

You know

Four inch legs

And he's a huge guy anyway

And he made it known

At the top of his lungs

That he was very unhappy

With us

For letting this happen

She wasn't there by the way

In this butt chewing

And then he says

I want a report

From the both of you

In writing on what happened

By the end of class today

And I'm still thinking

Well

This girl

That was

That was a dumb thing to do

I knew she was gonna get in trouble

So I said

Sergeant

If you're gonna get in trouble

It's all the same to you

I'd rather not get involved

Because

You know

I'm still thinking

That I have a choice

I'm so disappointed in you

And

Here's

He explained it to me

Really really loud

Yes

And really really close to my face

Was he clear?

He was very very clear

That it was not an optional report

That I was writing

It was a mandatory report

And it was gonna include

All of the details

Because

Regardless of who it incriminated

And

That's a full description

Of what the inside

Of the armor looked like

That I should get on it right away

So here's why I'm disappointed

Here's why I'm disappointed

Everybody wants the story of

That's actually been

A pretty big trend lately

That we see on Google News

From the interwebs

The high school cheerleader

Or I'm sorry

Here's the recent one

The Jacksonville Jaguar cheerleader

With the 18 year old student

At the high school

Your sympathy

Yeah I know

Right?

The sympathy vote

For your listeners right now

Is not high

Because

Just think about this out loud

Hold on

A random woman

Uh huh

Young

Very very young

But of legal age

Yes but

Old enough to work for the

Could have been my daughter's office

Sure

Okay

Why you gotta go that

Not at that time

I'm just throwing it out there

How old are you?

Exactly

I know

We know you got grandkids now

But come on

It was 17 years ago

She was really young then

So if we took a poll of hands

In the room

We all wanted that high school teacher

And we were 18, 16, 17 years old

Right?

This is West

Exactly

You're not from where I was from

Well hey

Horse sheep and whatever

Happens in your country

Jesus was not born where I was from

Right

Because there was not three wise men

Or a virgin

But Randy

Let me paint the picture

For your 2.7.5 million list horse

Uh huh

A random woman just came into your room

And got changed

Yeah

And you

For whatever reason

Of the Randy that I know

He went back into the closet

I don't know

Yeah just kind of

Like was offended

I don't know what your

You're like all of a sudden

You're offended

I don't know what your

Academy experience was like

My academy experience

Mine was very stressful

Here's mine day three

Alright everyone meet in the foyer

Okay great we're all here

It was co-ed then

Not men sleeping with the women

But the

Big showdown

But the guys

They poked me in the back of the head

Yeah the guys were bucked up

But in the same

Like the other side of the foyer

Were all the ladies

Mm-hmm

Well some of the guys

Had taken some of the ladies

Into the laundry room

Uh huh

Uh oh

And it was pretty well known

Uh huh

And so the TAC officers

Had to come and try to put a halt to that

Well

The whole time I'm thinking

God dang

Good for them

Right?

I mean

The laundry room

TAC

The academy

What are you gonna do?

I mean

If you're single

And you're into that

Or whatever

It was the 50s

Good for you

I ain't gonna hate on that

That was a good one

Alright

Yeah you got me

I'll dab that

But

For those of you

Who don't have YouTube

Or DirecTV Channel 239

Audience Network

And are watching this live

I'm not from the 50s

There are people actually

Right now

I can look that up online

I didn't know

You can't

No

No no no

No

Wrong show

I'm wrong

I'm on a hundred shows a week

So I

I hear you

What year did you go to the academy?

1994

I was

I was 99

I was 93

You have more seniority than Pat?

Big show

I did not know that

January of 93

Poe

2006

TJ

07

Adam

Oh I was the first class

In the millennium

2000

Bob

2000

Bob

Oh you did?

One year after me

You guys bunkied together?

No

Were you in the same academy?

Did we do P2s?

Yeah

You two were in the same academy?

2002

22

202

Alright before P2 drops the mic

Can I have a few minutes?

Sure

Look at me

There's gotta be

Deep

I don't wanna

Deep into those

Baby blues

You know I got some shit for you right?

Some hazel

Hazel

Baby

Is this gonna

You're just gonna

Are you gonna narrow it down to what percentage of the courthouse?

Oh my god yes

What?

Yeah

No

I live vicariously through this guy

I swear to god I love him

Alright

I wanna beat him

Just roughly

I wanna beat him so badly

Within 5%

Plus or minus 5%

His

Best looking dude in the room

I wanna beat him so bad

And P2's face is beat red

All I had to say was

I just need a couple minutes

Pat all you have to do is look at me

And you make me red

I know

Why is that?

Guilty of sin

Do you

Before I get into him

Do you have some questions for him

In your era of transport?

I don't

Because I talk to him about stuff

And I

I would actually say

Hey

How about that one?

I like that one

Tell me about it after you're done

Yeah

That was

That was my thought process

So what's funny is

The big show and I are up in drug court today

And

I see two ladies that are professionals

Working up there

And I'm thinking

P2 huh?

I wonder if what he'd tell me if

And or how that worked out

And the

But then when you talk to him

The dude's plate is full

His

I mean the guy never has a night off

I was talking to his bro

P1

The other night

And there was a story

As we were just talking nonchalantly

About

Oh shit

Oh yeah

P1 was walking in high school

Walking down the hallway

And that girl came up to him

And said

Hey you

Are you the brother of P2?

Not

That's not what she said

But you know

You know

Where we're going

No names

Oh yeah yeah yeah

He's my brother

By the way my girlfriend's

Not gonna listen to this one

And

She said

He's a slut

And P1 said

Yeah

I think you're right

So

Yeah

And so for the

For the truth

Might be a little exaggerated

That's

The story I heard

I understand

I would just like to point out

There's a close second in the room

And I'm not gonna point at him

No

But I'm just gonna say

It's the big show

We'll get on the microphone

And talk about it

It's come up a couple times

So Andy and I actually

We switched

Assignments this year

Right

I was at the work center

I gave him my boots

He gave me his

Working for P2's brother

I came to transport

You went out

Took my spa

That's right

Every other member of my

Academy is now a sergeant

Thanks for pointing that out

We're going

Hey

Before you hit stop

We are going back on you

Cause you'd segue

And try to bring everybody up

So we don't talk about you

I don't care

Who's in what courtroom

I just don't care

I know

Or what time you have to get up

So

At the next P

Family do

Say hey

The P family do

Yeah

I got some questions for you

Say P1

I got some questions for you

About P2

Right

And he'll be all right

Like

What are they

And here's where you start

How come I can't talk to you right now

Right there

Oh yeah

Alright

In the seven degrees

Okay

Alright

And his face turns red

She

In the same zip code

And his face is red

She who will not be made

So P2 let's talk

Comes up a lot

P2

Let's bring the lights down a little bit

Alright

Blue spotlight

You got any

Like Justin Timberlake

Put on

It would be great

If I did have some music

Is this recording

I wish I'd have known

Yeah

Are we like at an hour point two

73 minutes

That's not bad

Let's do a two hour

Three hour show

Are your fans gonna be okay with that

They actually I think

Would most of them

They're not fans

They're listening

Listeners

They're listeners

P2

They endure

They don't mind

Yeah

I got you

You got me

I got you right now

Come on

So I know you've been

Keeping your nights busy

The last few nights

The last few weekends

You've been

Well wait

Wait to be fair

I mean to be fair

You're a one woman man right now

I am

Yeah

So I mean

Your girlfriend

Wait a second

Time out

Stop

Hold on

I'm bringing sexy back

Yeah

I wanna get all up in your hair

Yeah

So I'm not mentioning names

But I can't walk down the hallway with you

Without getting pregnant

I know

I'm just saying

I know you're right

Yeah

Now are we talking

The jail or the courthouse

It doesn't matter

Any hall

The hall right there

The back of my neck

It's like

It's like super hot

It's like burning hot

I think someone's really eyeballing me

We were at Sears the other day

Walking down the aisle

And I look at you

And you're like

Chicka chicka

You know what

I have to say though

Like

When I

When I walk down the hallway

And people

Pass you by

Or whatever

People who will not be named

Right

Come by

It's

Wait a second

There's

The threat of violence

That doesn't seem to happen with you

Like

They seem to be

Oh he's like Cupid

Yeah

They seem to be okay with you

It's like the love

It's like the love bugs

Driving through

And like

It happened

And yeah

We're done with that

But

I gotta interject here

Thank you

Okay

There was a time

Where we

We would get these

Chocolate

Or no no no

They were peanut butter

With peanut butter

You really can't take that

We were getting some

Awesome cookies

And then

All of a sudden

It just

Stopped

It dried up

Yeah

The

The relationship broke

And we didn't get cookies anymore

I'm still a little pissed

Those were really good cookies

Those were good cookies

Oh I miss those cookies so much

I wish you'd add some Randy

Because they were amazing

Let's talk about those cookies

I guess what we're trying to say

Is we're all counting on you

Did you

Did you help with those cookies?

Was that a night of magic?

I think an inner office mail

Of cookies to me would be great

I'm just saying

Were you

And we're like

Working that dough

With your hands

Was it a

Was it a ghost scenario?

Was it a

A pottery wheel

Sort of thing?

No

No?

I think

I think maybe we should get

The Edgar Allen up here

I was

You know

I was gonna say

The angry Mormon

I think so

The angry Mormon

Name came

Sure

To be

Sure

And we have actually told that story

However

We told it

Good job

Yeah nice work

The angry Mormon didn't tell it

We told it

Yes we told it

But I'd like to hear

Yeah

From him

So

And I want him to actually

Yeah

We had beer

On his back

Out the nose

Beer out the nose

Just now

Oh it's

Look at

It smelled like beer

Oh no

It spilled on the table too

It's that point of the show

You know

I got it

Don't worry about it

I feel like

I feel like we're gonna listen back tomorrow

Yeah

And it's just gonna be

Like crowd noise at Yankee Stadium

Yeah nothing

It's just gonna be

Won't be good at all

10,000 people screaming

I'm kinda hoping so

Because

We've said some stuff

We need to edit out

And I'm not kidding

Do not release this

Right away

I feel like

I feel like I don't know

What you're talking about

No I'm

I'm

No

Please

I feel like I don't know

What you're talking about

There are

Four things already

I know specifically

Are you making notes

Yes

In mental notes

We gotta

We gotta cut out

To be fair

To Andy

We just recently had

Our mini academy

And one of the segments

Of the mini academy was

Social media

Right

And how it will get you fired

And that's all we have

And that's all we need

To talk about on that

Stop

Or we'll edit that out too

Dude I'm serious

Serious

I mean

I don't love the job anymore

But I wanna keep it

I do love the job

And I wanna keep it

Oh god

Okay

So

In the back of your mind

Hopefully

You are

Have been

And are still working on

A

A Spanish moment

Oh I'm ready

Okay

I got it

And I will just

I will just

Synopsize the Spanish moment

For you

It's a

It's a phrase

Or saying

Pertinent to

Jailing

In general

Or

Or something we've been

Talking about

In you know

Oh it's definitely

Something we've been

Talking about

That's all it's gotta be

Something relevant

A little short

Say

That you can say

In Spanish

And then we try to guess

What it means

And then you tell us

What it means

No no go ahead

Go ahead Pat

Interject

And then do you want

The story behind it

Sure

Okay

So let's talk about

The angry Mormon stuff

For just a second

Yes

It's a very specific story

Just

Back to the

Angry Mormon

As the angry Mormon

Because of a very specific

So a lot of you

Probably don't know

Are you a Mormon also

Jack Mormon

I did not know that

Jack Mormon

Unaware

Went to college

In Ephraim, Utah

Dixie

Yeah

So

Right

So we get that whole

Oh they did

They did the secret handshake

Right in front of us

The what

The three moon

And

I don't know that

Oh he's playing

Utah

He's playing cool right there

I've been to Utah

On your mission

No

Did you go to

Like high school

No like college

You went to Dixie

His mission was actually

Way more awesome

Brigham Young University

Alright

I'm a Mormon too

They don't

Literally don't get

Any more Mormon than that

If you go to Brigham Young

That's like

That's it

No because I went to

Snow College

And Snow College was not

BYU

No it's not

Definitely not

It was Mormon

But not like BYU

Anyway

It was Mormon adjacent

It was Jack Mormon

It was his furthest

South Mormon you can get

Sure

It was

Funny

Because they like to go south

Wow

I don't know what that means

Well no

I don't know what that means at all

No I'll tell you

And don't answer this

Because you can't

But the girls in Utah

And especially in Ephraim

Manti

Mormon city

Out of control

Yeah

Okay

Let me tell you guys

Actually David Lee Roth did

His original song was

Utah girls

Not California girls

Yeah

Oh I get it

That's a little known fact

People don't know that

I have to tell you something

Let me throw a shout out

To the girl

Utah women

Stunningly

Beautiful

They are

Lots of them

Wow

Oh yeah

So let me tell you something

Along those lines

Enough of the Pat show

Back to two guys

Some brains or something

It's well known

And I'm not

I'm not being

You know

I'm not being

I'm not trying to be

Disparaging or whatever

But you know

The Mormons go around

They knock on the door

They do the thing

Trick or treat

Yeah

The Mormons are trick or treating here

Oh that's fantastic

Yes

Hand them candy

When they come in the door

That's great

My son

Wow

Tall

Good looking

Young fellow

Answers the door

And there are two

Attractive

Mormon

Nice

Mormon girls out there

And they want to talk to them

About being a Mormon

Well he's a young

Man

And he sees two attractive

Young women

Who are interested in

Talking to him

On the front porch

It's a trap

And

They talk to him

And he talks to them

And they say

Hey would you like a book

And he says

Sure give me a book

And so they talk

And he gets the book

By Joseph Smith

Yes

And he's on

So now

By Joseph Smith

So now he's on the list

It's Joseph Smith

Go ahead

Continue

He's on the list

So the next time

This is why I'm angry

Don't leave me hanging

No that's awesome

There you go

So the next time around

A couple of dudes

A couple of dudes show up

Not attractive

Right

They're like

You know

Teenage

Doughy

Dudes

You know

Generic man

Generic doughy

Dudes

And they show up

And they're like

Jack Blacks

I open the door

Yeah I open the door

And they're like

Hi is Dave here

Well Dave has lots of

Young friends

And I don't know them all

And so when they show up

And say hey is Dave here

I say yeah just a minute

And I go get Dave

There's a new young fella

In this house

Every time I come over

A lot

So

Hey man it's Dave

Dave's not here

Dave

Dave happens to work

Graveyard

So he's in bed

Someone laughed at that

So I go

And I get Dave

And I say hey Dave

Some buddies are here

Dave's not here

He comes up

He talks to him

He steps outside

Shuts the door

I don't really think much of it

He comes back

And he goes dad

Don't

Don't wake me up

For that

And I'm like what

I thought

I thought they were guys

You knew

No they were

They were Mormons

And they came because

The last time

The dudes came to the door

That were Mormons

They were chicks

And they were smoking hot

And I stepped out

And talked to them

And I was friendly

And now I'm on the list

And so now they're sending dudes

Right

Nothing bad

It's a test

Nothing bad

Yeah I get it

But they were nice

And they're friendly

And I'm nice to them every time

And I drop your name every time

I talk about you

And I talk about Rash every time

I do

Do you know Edgar Allen

Do you know

Or the angry Mormon

Yeah

So I mean I'm nice to them

It's not an easy thing

That they're doing

It's difficult

They get a lot of rude people

And a lot of

I'm not like that

I'm just not their target audience

And I tell them

I try to tell them that up front

GT Mac Daddy

Right

As well yeah

Right

We have lots of Mormon friends

And I tell them

I have lots of Mormon friends

I'm just not the guy you're looking for

That makes us cool

Actually

Yeah

Just saying

We can call

Some of my friends are Mormon

I tell that

I say that all the time

We can say Mormon

Because we have Mormon friends

Yeah exactly

Yeah

So anyway

This is happening now

Where

What

This is happening now

Where guys are coming to the door

They haven't sent the chicks back

They just keep sending different dudes

To wake my son up

In the middle of the

In the middle of the night

So that he can

Come and talk to them

About being a Mormon

So he's got a stack of books

Like this big

In this room now

But I just want you to know

I drop your name

Every single time

So eventually

It's going to get back to you

Thank you

Alright

So the angry Mormon is here

He gets a bonus or something

Probably

I don't know

The angry Mormon is here

Kid I tease

We've told the story

Why he's the angry Mormon

Yes

I actually got

Jason

Maybe

Nature's most perfect Mormon

I don't know that

But I got him

To flip me a double bird

Mm-hmm

In a

In booking

I love the exaggerations

I love the

You literally flipped me

It was a single double bird

You flipped me

A single double bird

How do you do that?

It was a single bird

A single bird

I'm going to stick with double bird

He flipped me the double bird

In booking

Brian your hand is very warm

On me

So

You know why I'm here

I do

Uh-oh

Another story

I would love

For the angry Mormon

To tell the same story

That I have told

On this podcast

It probably won't last

The 45 minutes

It lasted in the first

Uh

But

Here we go

So

Randy is nowhere

To be found

For maybe

20 minutes

In booking

And

I am booking

This very difficult

Person

Who

Keeps

Asking about

Their phone

Wanting the

Phone numbers

Out of their phone

After I asked them

Numerous times

While being booked

Would you like

Any numbers

Out of your phone

To which I

Continuously got

No

So

His property

Gets bagged up

And goes

And gets locked up

Now

I think we're on about

Number 10

Of the times

Asked

If I could go back

To property

And get his phone

And we are busy

As we normally are

Booking

True

Too true

So I'm

I'm at this point

Furious

And refuse

Even if it were easy

To go back

To property

Which it's not

To be fair it's not easy 30 feet away

It's pain in the butt

And open up the locker

And open up the bag

To do it

And at this point

I'm done

And I say no

It's not happening

Well at this very instant

Maybe three seconds

Before

I say this

Randy walks in

To booking

Unbeknownst to me

And says

It's no big deal

It's right back there

He'd just go do it

I'd do it

If I were him

And the dude

He said it in jest

To be a dick

Yes

That's

Because

It's not

Because it is

Absolutely

It's kind of a big

It's not a big deal

But it's

It's not a little deal

When you're busy

Because I know that somebody

Would have gone

And got it way before Randy would have

Oh

Too true

Yeah

Okay yeah

So at this point

I am furious

And the inmate

Is giving me this look like

Really

Someone will do it

You just won't

Yeah

And so I

As I'm turning around

Walking out

Because I am exiting

At this point

Because I am done

And you're pissed right

He was angry

I

, in Randy's words

Flipped him

The most straight

Bird

That he's ever seen

Did you make eye contact

With him?

Yes

The eye contact was there

And lasted at least four seconds

You mean it

It was the most symmetrical

Purposeful

Very deep

Into my soul

I really really mean this

More than any bird

You've ever received

In your life

Seriously

Fuck you

That's

That's what he said

And the last thing I see

And hear

Is a laugh

And a laugh

And those eyebrows

Poking out at me

And the nostril hairs

And I exit

And I don't come back

For probably the 20 minutes

That he was gone as well

I literally

I literally did it

Just for that reaction

And I was very satisfied

I was very very satisfied

So really quick

A disclaimer for what's about to happen

I have no recollection

Of actually using the words

That are going to be spoken here

In a few minutes

Okay

We have a returning guest

Uh oh

P2 is back

So apparently Randy and I

Randy and I have something in common

With Mr. Poe

Mr. Poe did not flip me off

He actually said

Fuck you

Like I said

I'd like to hear your side

Of the story

No recollection

Before you said

That's the thing

I don't even remember

You probably said

Oh you don't remember at all

I don't even remember

That's hilarious

Dog diggily darn it

Would you stop that

Shucks

I can probably

I can probably paint a picture

That may have happened

Because P2 loves to joke

Embellish

And loves to pick

Push

You name it

I know what you're made of

A synonym for that

Alright let's hear it

It was very early on

In my career

And yes

Okay

I was chasing you around

Let's have it

Paint the picture

Set the scene

That's basically it

That was a great story

It might have been

In the rover station

Oh it was in booking

Oh okay

Rash was there

And you were there

And I don't remember

Completely all the details

He may have said something about

He may have said something

About Mormons

That was not true

That he knew was not true

That may have

Might have pushed me

Over the edge

That lit the fire

Yeah

That they're good lovers

I get it

That would make me mad too

Well I think it was more

That he wasn't as good

A lover as I was

Yeah

That's probably true

Or that the Book of Mormon

Was based off

The Book of Catholicism

Oh

That might have been true

That didn't go well

Oh

So you were expounding

False Mormon knowledge

So I've had some

Weak moments

My religious beliefs

Are my religious beliefs

Sure

And if you believe

That the Book of Mormon

Was based off

Catholicism

That's your business

Exactly

That's what I thought

So moving on

To the Spanish word of the day

Oh yeah let's do that

Mr. Poe did not agree with me

Took a weird turn

Sorry about that

I gotta do something here

I don't have my damn glasses

Darn it

Talk about something

Interesting

What are you drinking out of that

Thanks for that wonderful memory

P2

Yes

Poe love you

I love you too

Let's see here

Good times

He has his flashlight out

He's looking at the board

He's tweaking some knobs

Okay let's see

Flipping some dials

Testing

Testing wait

Can't flip a dial really

Testing

Twist dials

Testing

Switches

He's flicking switches

That's the word

I'm trying to

He's plugging in some plugs

Testing

Let's see here

He's testing

Testing

He's trying to find the reverb

It's a brand new board everybody

What are you gonna do

It's brand new

But it's supposed to be the same

As the one we had

You know what

I've heard him

He speaks in an echo

It's the weirdest thing

Testing

Oh there it is

Is it there

That's it

Okay

Alright

This is good

This used to be my segment

But

Oh and I

I have another story about you

Oh shit

I think

After this go

I think I might share that story

Yes that's good

Now it's time for

Momento en Español

Con Senor

Hayson

It's not even how you say it

You're gonna do it

You're ruining it

Que concha

Grande

This has been

Momento en Español

Con Senor

Hayson

Andy

I feel like Andy knows

Oh my gosh

He said

Oh my gosh

He said

Oh my gosh

He said

Oh my gosh

He said

Oh my gosh

He said

Oh my gosh

Echo

I feel like Andy knows what you said

I don't know what you said

Oh wait

Just in case I'm wrong

Go ahead

Let me stop there

Yeah

Huh

Say it again

Que concha

Grande

Your

Cooch is big

Yeah

We're in the right area

That's pretty close

Yeah very good

Concha

What's concha

It's a shell isn't it

Well

Concha

A conch shell

Yeah

Concha

So the story behind

Que concha grande

Uh huh

Is two 19-year-old missionaries

One from Argentina

Uh huh

One straight out of the United States

Contestant straight

Is learning Spanish

With his Spanish Argentine companion

And they are walking on one side of the street

And in Argentina there are soccer fields for days

The main thing is that they're not playing soccer

They're not playing soccer

The word for field is concha, not concha.

On the other side of the street, there are two younger girls.

It's like Virginia and vagina.

Okay, I got it.

Two younger girls, about 15, 16 years old.

And the very, very white missionary from the United States says,

Que concha grande.

And before his companion realizes what he said,

because it was in horrible Spanish,

about the fourth or fifth time, he says,

Stop!

Pare! Alto! Pare!

And he's like, What? What did I say?

Que concha grande.

And then he explains it to him after the girls are very upset,

yelling at him because he sees two Mormon missionaries

walking down the street with badges on.

They're supposed to be representing somebody different than themselves.

Yelling what a big cooch.

She has.

Oh, no.

Not coming through on that.

Yeah, so that's great.

Que concha grande is the Spanish moment of the day.

Very nice.

So you were, Andy, you were his field training officer.

The Angry Mormons FTO.

Yes.

Back when I cared.

Back when he cared about the gig.

And he was in booking, and he's trying to make a new recruit

into the best officer he could be.

And Andy.

An image of myself.

I love this.

I love this moment.

Yeah, this is bad.

This is bad.

So Andy, up until that point,

knew the most Spanish of any of us when we were in booking.

It's true.

And so when a non-English Spanish speaking person came in,

we would resort to Andy to help us communicate.

And Andy would say things like,

point your butt at the light,

and lift your testicles, and stuff like that in Spanish.

I had a whole spiel, and I could understand a little bit.

Sure.

I spoke Spanish.

I was awesome.

So Andy is.

And he practiced.

I did.

Andy's in booking being awesome with his new training student.

Right.

Who apparently you did not know spoke Spanish.

He didn't tell me that.

He didn't tell me he was fluent in Spanish.

Only about 95% of the time.

So I was being awesome as I am.

And a Spanish speaking person came in.

And I would go through my spiel.

I had two years in college, and I took a class.

You and I took a class.

Sure, sure.

On things that we need to say.

Some of it stuck.

Some of it didn't.

And.

Donde esta pistola?

Where is your gun?

Apunta tu trasero a la luz.

Very good.

You learned that from me.

Very good.

Point your butt at the light.

Very good.

So.

Hey, can I interrupt for a second?

I don't say sus nalgas con sus manos.

My phone's been blown up.

For whatever reason, they want more me.

Are we only down to 7.5 million?

Go ahead.

All right.

So anyway.

So I'm.

I'm.

Training this new officer, my trainee.

And.

It's got to be, what, about the fourth or fifth day, maybe?

I've probably, in front of you, spoken Spanish dozens of times.

That is true.

And I'm going around.

I'm doing my thing.

And I'm telling Spanish-speaking people who don't, do not, or apparently I don't speak

English either right now, don't speak English at all, separate your feet.

And I thought it was.

Separse.

Sus.

P.A.'s.

Right?

So I'm.

It's.

Separse.

I find out later from the guy who's fluent.

And I had no idea.

So I'm.

I'm speaking Spanish to these guys.

And I'm doing all this stuff.

I'm like, hey, look at me.

I'm really awesome.

And this is how you need to emulate me.

Just come on.

Do what I do.

You do what I do.

Pretty awesome.

You know, and I'm.

I'm writing reports on him.

He's doing a great job.

He knows this and this.

And, you know, he needs a little work on this area.

And, you know, and so one day he's like.

Okay, it's time for you to do your thing.

He's.

He's fully.

I'm standing back.

This is yours.

Go for it.

You've heard me speak Spanish.

So you probably got this.

And so he goes out there.

Spanish speaking male.

And he's.

And I looked at him like.

You bastard.

I am going to kill you.

I cannot believe.

I still remember the look to this day.

And it was fantastic.

It was.

He got me.

He got me good.

It was like a practical joke.

See.

Because he knew.

How to speak Spanish.

How to speak.

And so then I'm coming to him.

And Andy turned to the rest of the people in booking and went.

Do you see what an awesome fucking teacher I am?

Do you guys even know how awesome I am?

Is that the.

How fucking awesome I am?

Oh, God.

Team America that we're going to watch later.

Oh, God.

That was an embarrassing moment.

If I remember the words that came out of his mouth after the look.

After his jaw came back up to the teeth.

It was.

You could have told me that.

Yeah.

Well.

Angry moment.

Yeah, it was true.

Or you could have mentioned that you speak Spanish.

Because I look like an idiot.

I'm right there with you, though.

At what point do you say, dude who's trying really hard to show me how good a Spanish

you speak, I'm completely fluent in Spanish.

You don't want to sound like a dick.

You know, I mean.

What are you going to say?

For those who remember, I was very quiet for about a year and a half.

Before you started flipping off people.

Very quiet.

Yelling the F word.

It was.

The good old days.

The 18 month to about the two and a half year mark.

That's where I was kind of trying to find myself.

Angry Mormon.

Sure.

Yes, sir.

I got some questions for you.

I'm sure you do.

Oh, no.

Is my face red yet?

No.

Me too.

It's been going so well so far.

It might turn here in a minute.

More editing coming up.

We need to talk about some of these Mormon girls.

Oh, really?

See?

I already got your attention.

You got to be careful.

I know a lot of Mormon girls.

He could lose his card.

There's no Mormon card.

I know this.

Look at me.

Okay.

There isn't?

Was it you?

By the way, was it you that told one of our fellow transport officers when she went on

vacation in Utah?

Was that you?

That she had to get?

What did you tell her?

Come to the mic.