When Peter Kay stopped by!

This is the BBC.

This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK.

To make switching to the new Boost Mobile risk-free,

we're offering a 30-day money-back guarantee.

So why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T-Mobile?

Because you have nothing to lose.

Boost Mobile is offering a 30-day money-back guarantee.

No, I asked why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T-Mobile.

Oh.

Wouldn't.

Uh, because you love wasting money as a way to punish yourself

because your mother never showed you enough love as a child?

Whoa, easy there.

Yeah.

Applies to online activations.

Requires port in and auto pay.

Customers activating in stores may be charged non-refundable activation fees.

Hey, Prime members.

Are you tired of ads interfering with your favourite podcasts?

Good news.

With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalogue of ad-free top podcasts,

included with your Prime membership.

To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free.

Or go to amazon.com slash adfreepodcasts.

That's amazon.com slash adfreepodcasts

to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads.

You know how I like to keep up with fashion.

I know.

You are a dedicated follower after all, Peter.

I'm another Gok one.

The Zoe Ball Breakfast Show on BBC Radio 2.

We thought we'd give you a fanfare.

I thought it was a thing from This Is Your Life.

Well, we have got you here under slight false pretenses, Peter Kay.

Because we've got your teachers here, your friends from school.

You've got nuns.

And your entire...

Were you taught by nuns?

I was taught by nuns, yeah.

I was taught by nuns.

Sister Sledge.

Systematic.

My headmistress was called Sister Kevin.

Can you imagine how confusing that was as a child?

That's very popular these days.

Sister Kevin.

Darling, it is lovely to see you.

Nice to see you too, Joey.

Peter's just tucked into something from my emergency.

I'll just tell everyone.

Hello, everybody in Britain.

Nice to talk to you.

I'm having a refresher sweet for my breakfast.

Zoe's got a tub in her room full of sweets.

It's got a bit of everything that you might need in an emergency.

It's like a rescue pack.

It is, isn't it?

I just had a text off my mum saying...

Oh, yeah.

Morning, Peter's mum.

I'm listening.

You better behave.

Honestly.

Your mum's told you.

Your mum rang on Sunday night after the advert went on.

Yeah.

And said, how many nights are you doing?

And I said, you're doing 11.

Because she'd counted the cities.

Yeah, OK.

I said, I'm doing more than 11.

She said, you were doing two.

I said, no, that's the first night in Manchester.

Oh, Peter, that's a lot of nights.

I said, well, it's a tour.

How are you going to get home from Manchester?

She's not even Irish.

How are you going to get home from Manchester?

I said, I'm going to drive.

You're driving yourself.

Oh, Peter.

I'm 49.

I'm not nine.

I can drive home.

No, you're a grown-up boy.

I shouldn't be driving home.

And who's your dad?

Is he still doing maths?

He's still doing maths.

Is he?

He is.

He'll be listening this morning.

Hiya, Johnny.

Oh, he loves you.

He was born around the corner from me.

Well, that's it.

We've had this discussion.

Grew up in Bolton.

Yeah.

And the house backed onto, I think, an old coal pit, actually.

And his dad ran a corner shop back up that way.

We had a big discussion.

You'd be nothing without him.

I know I would.

Well, we know that.

We know that.

Was it Vic and Bob actually said that I am effectively my dad in a blonde wig?

No, I'm not at all.

What are they on about?

No, I'm not at all.

If you look at the face, if you look at the face, Peter.

So you appear on our telly box on Sunday night in the middle of I'm a Celeb with that incredible advert.

Please tell me that you were sat there, family.

Waiting for it to come on.

Yeah, and I was thinking, it got to 29 minutes past nine.

I'm thinking, they've not had a commercial break yet.

This has cost a fortune.

Put this on.

Luckily, all two paid.

And I said, we should put it on.

And I'm a celebrity because it'll take people by surprise.

And we filmed it.

Me and my friend, Matt, we were editing at our house.

And we went down in my car.

He filmed it on his iPhone.

It was my car.

It was my mum's house.

I put an iPhone down my shoulder.

Shorts and put it on voice memo.

So I recorded my sound.

And then Tesco spent like 12 million on this advert.

And we've done it in 10 minutes on two iPhones.

It's hilarious.

Do you know, anyone working in advertising right now is like, Peter, can you stop?

We're all going to be out of jobs.

That's the way to do it.

Much better way of doing it.

You should film it on your phone.

Honestly, we're back home in 20 minutes.

And that ran advert.

It costs more to do the graphics than to film.

In fact, I don't think it costs.

And the car.

The carpet I got from Blackburn Road.

I said, can I borrow a roll of carpet?

I'll bring it back in an hour.

I didn't even have to pay for it.

He took it back.

I love the idea of those guys in there as well being like, hang on a minute.

Did I just see that?

Did Peter Kay come in and ask for a roll of carpet?

No, I know him.

I know him.

I'll not say the name of the shop.

Well, I will J&G&G.

Yeah, come on.

It's not hard to say J&G Carpet.

Do they do lino as well?

They do everything.

They do that grass.

I don't mean like drugs.

I mean like AstroTurf.

You know?

You've got to be careful.

You'll be getting them in trouble now.

I'll be getting cancelled here.

You will be.

I will.

You'll be getting them in so much trouble.

And you know what?

Can I just tell you?

Zoe's got some turkey.

I have got.

She's got slices of turkey inside of her.

I've got turkey slices.

You and I occasionally have a text conversation and it usually involves what you've had for

your tea.

Yeah, we do.

Well, for my breakfast this morning, I'm having a turkey slice.

For your breakfast?

They're a bit warm though.

They don't look that appetising.

They should be in a fridge.

You're going to be a bad way.

I know.

Sorry.

And can I just say they've been whoopsed and all.

They were 15p.

She's got a sticker on them.

BBC Radio 2.

The Zoe Ball Breakfast Show.

I mean, you broke the internet, didn't you?

I broke my femur once.

Yeah.

Fell off a chopper.

Go on.

Off a chopper?

Did you have a chopper?

Not a bike though.

I never had a chopper.

What, like a helicopter chopper?

No, I'm joking.

I'm being rude.

Go on.

Sorry, go on.

Hey, I got you there.

Go on.

I know.

You know what?

I'm like, I'm so gullible.

I take everything so literally.

I broke what?

Did I break?

A femur.

No, I mean.

Your internet.

I broke t'internet.

Yes, you did.

Basically, I broke me own.

The website crashed.

Whose website crashed?

Your website crashed.

I think that's just a PR thing.

Oh, is it?

They always say something's crashed.

Oh, right.

I don't think it did crash.

I haven't seen it here all the time.

But the love must feel wonderful.

You know what?

I cannot get my head round it.

I thought we should have called this to a Peter Who

because I hadn't been around for five years.

I thought, ooh, honestly.

Well, not giving monkeys, but being on the news.

Can you get your head round that?

That is.

Tell me.

You ought to be on the news if I'm dead.

You ought to be on the news if I'm on tour.

Stop that.

Please tell me that you used a VHS and you've recorded it.

No, I do.

To show the grandkids.

I texted you.

I do say tape.

I did tape it.

Have you taped it?

I say tape.

This lot next door, they're all under 30.

They look at me like, what's she talking about?

Yeah, I tape tape.

I still tape it.

Now, listen.

We've had so many messages for you.

I've not got my headphones on at all.

I know, those lovely, tinny little headphones.

I can't see your musical bed.

It's weird.

No.

I can only apologise.

Since it was announced that we're moving out of Wogan House next year.

Yeah, he only did even get 10 years, Terry, didn't he?

I'll tell you a story about Terry.

I rung him up once at home.

Yeah.

Oh, no, I rang him and his wife, Helen, answered.

Because they were doing that Children in Need single.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was asking him about it.

And then he rang me back and he left an answering machine message at our house.

You know when you had answering machines, tapes.

And he said, we played it, me and Susan.

He went, hello, it's Terry.

Hello, it's Terry Wogan here.

And we're thinking, is he saying, sir?

Or is he saying, er?

Because he went, hello, it's Terry Wogan here.

And I thought, well, he doesn't seem the kind of person who'd say, sir.

Hello, I'll do it again.

Hello, it's Terry Wogan here.

What did he say?

Is it, sir?

He must have rewound it about 20 times.

He's paused, hasn't he?

He's paused.

Hello, it's, er.

Well, when I rang his house, he thought I was selling something.

Hello, he went, we don't want any.

And I went, I'm not.

I'm not.

Sir, it's Peter Kay.

He went, we don't want any, thanks.

And I'm like, no, I'm not flogging your gear, Terry.

Er, Terry.

Not trying to sell you windows.

No.

Oh, what a lovely story.

Have you kept that tape?

I miss the answer phone.

I've got them tapes, yeah.

Oh, I loved those.

We once did a cassette for me sister-in-law when you used to record wacky messages.

Yeah.

And we did one.

She lived in Leeds.

And I did a message going, hello, Anne-Marie can't come to the phone right now.

She's tied to her chair because we're robbing her.

Right.

We did this laugh, laugh, laugh.

Eight months later.

Auntie Anne rang her.

And this message come on.

And Anne-Marie's being robbed.

We need to get to Leeds.

Josie, Philip, they're in car.

All driving M62.

And we said, it's a joke.

It's a mess.

She said, well, you shouldn't do things like that.

Anyway, I said, but what kind of a burglar would answer the phone and tell you that he's

tied to her chair and he's robbing her?

I mean, but they're all headed to Leeds thinking she was a drug.

They're on the way to save her.

You see, you've been a very naughty boy.

It's the Zoe Ball Breakfast Show.

BBC Radio 2.

For the first time ever.

An artist will be doing a monthly residency at the O2.

That's you, Peter Kay.

Yes.

This is massive.

I know.

Absolutely massive.

How many gigs are you going to be doing at the O2 in London, by the way?

A monthly residency.

Oh, that goes out over like a whole year.

I've got a piece of paper here that tells me somewhere.

That's hilarious.

All this planning and she's hunting around trying to find paper.

That's hilarious.

That's funny.

Where is it?

The amount of calls I've had about this.

We've had a Zoom.

We've had it all.

We had a Zoom two weeks back.

I found them.

You're going to be live at London at O2.

Stop it.

He'll be listening.

He'll be furious.

Basically, I'm doing the O2 once a month.

Thank you.

That's what I'm doing.

A residency.

There's basically been me and Prince who've done it.

And look what happened to him.

So that's what I'm doing once a month.

I'm not winning a bad one.

I'm Michael Jackson.

He was supposed to do 50 now.

I got his shows.

You got his shows.

Of course.

I'm talking about that.

Also, so this is massive news.

Have you had a lot of calls?

I've had a lot of calls.

So can you get us tickets?

I'm not a ticket master.

I know.

I've wrote them all down.

I said, I'll get back to you.

Don't worry.

I will.

You'll be inundated.

I could make more money selling them.

No, it's probably a good point.

I could.

You could.

Outside.

In a false beard.

Get a little fan.

I could.

I'd make more money selling them.

In a false beard.

Now, also, thank you, because you've tried to keep them affordable, because you know

that people are going through it at the moment.

Oh, I know.

Well, you've got to.

I said, we're doing this tour.

I said, yeah, we're doing this tour.

And literally, two weeks after all, gas prices have gone up and everything else, and petrol.

I thought, God, you've got to do something.

So I said, why don't we do them at the same price, starting from 35 quid, so do that.

Because you can't, can you?

You've got to meet people halfway.

It's bad times.

Yeah.

Plus, that's why people need a laugh.

Yeah.

Exactly.

I think that's why it rocked news, because it weren't a summer happy for once.

Yay.

Instead of doom and gloom.

Poor old Tina Dehealy has to break bad stuff to us every morning, and this is joyous.

I thought it were a nice thing.

A bit like when they used to have a panda at the end of newsroom with John Craven or

something like that.

This is what I say to the prod squad every morning.

I'm like, where's the tap dancing panda story?

Where's the skateboarding panda?

Where's that?

Where's the water skiing squirrel?

I know.

That's what we need.

Where is he now?

Now, listen, a lot of folk have been talking about your misheard lyrics.

Oh, we have brought some.

Have you brought some with you?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fantastic.

These are the ones that weren't good enough for the show.

Okay, great.

Well, thanks for bringing them here.

Okay.

For your second hand wares.

Play the first ones, Whitney Houston.

Oh, right.

Okay, cool.

Press play.

It's probably not that funny, though.

I can't even remember what she says.

She says, she says, um, bee stings.

What do you know about bee stings?

Bee stings, there it is.

What do you know about bee stings, Whitney?

Which we will sing forever.

Yeah.

Or is that wasps?

No, is that what?

I don't know.

They'll tell us.

88 to 91.

They'll be in touch.

We've got another one.

Another one.

Here we go.

This is.

I wear goggles.

I wear goggles when you're not there.

I wear goggles.

I thought ski goggles.

Oh, I thought.

I always got to swim in.

Or perhaps welding goggles.

Oh, even better.

You know, even better.

I could just see Macy Gray in welding goggles.

Oh, you can.

Get me going.

We've got Queen now.

Queen's the belt of this one.

God love Freddie.

He's saying, look what they've done to my greed.

Listen.

Now.

Look what they've done to my greed.

It might read from EastEnders.

Or might read from Runaround.

It might read from Runaround.

Oh, I know.

I thought that was the same one.

Saturday Superstore.

That was it.

Saturday Superstore.

And the DJ as well.

Whatever it were, Freddie's obsessed.

So good.

It's so good.

BBC Radio 2.

The Zoe Ball Breakfast Show.

Apart from the headphones, are you having a lovely time, Peter?

I've got a cup of water.

I'm sorted.

I know.

You don't ask for much, actually.

One refresher and a cup of water.

I asked for hot chocolate, but the machine's broke.

Oh, honestly.

I told you, the building is melting into the ground.

It's because Wogan's shutting down.

I know.

It's Sir Terry.

Sir Terry.

Well, I'm hoping they'll always call it whatever it becomes, Wogan House.

And I was saying to our boss that we need a statue of him outside Broadcasting House.

Oh, yeah.

Because he's a legend.

There is one in Ireland.

I've seen pictures of it.

In Limerick.

Yes, in Limerick.

Have you seen it?

Yes.

Have you been to it?

Yeah.

I've seen it.

I know you've talked to him about Limerick.

Yes.

He said he had a special key to the city.

And he told me that he could.

He said, I can take.

I'm allowed to bring a, what would you call a group?

I'm sorry if I'm ignorant, but what's a group of cows called?

Oh, a herd of cows.

A herd.

Yeah, yeah.

God forgive me.

I don't only have one GCSE.

He said, I'm allowed to bring a herd of cows across the bridge.

And did he ever do that?

He didn't do it, but he was allowed to.

Oh.

This, Dermot O'Leary's got this.

He's got the key to London City.

You can take sheep over London Bridge, I believe.

That's not through what keys get you.

Yeah, I know.

When is that going to happen?

Transport poultry.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, poultry don't.

We've got ducks.

They've got to go under a cover in a shed.

Are you on glue?

Because of avian flu.

Are you on glue?

I have.

I've slipped into.

Who wants to hear that mostic offer?

Now, we loved the story from earlier in the year.

A big fan.

A big Phoenix Knights fan spent three grand buying a Phoenix Club sign at an auction.

Doesn't that, does that burn the cockles of your heart?

The bouncy castle of Phoenix Knights, the one that we used, had the thing on the, Sammy the Snake.

I had that in my garage for about four years and I couldn't use it anywhere because my children,

it'd pop up over the back wall and the neighbours.

So I ended up, I ended up giving it to the Pride in Manchester for the fan.

For the festival.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had that.

And they still have it.

Have you kept any other bits?

You know, like.

I've got Brian's wheelchair.

Have you?

Yeah, yeah.

Does it ever come in handy?

Oh, it will do next week, but I can't say why it stops it.

Someone's going to borrow it next week.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fantastic.

It comes in.

If anyone hurts themselves or needs a wheelchair, they can borrow Brian's.

It's worth injuring yourself just to have a go at Brian's wheelchair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know we have some crutches in the garage and we've kept them because they come in handy all the time.

Yeah, you've got some crutches in your garage.

Crutches in the garage.

I hope that's not a euphemism.

They've been used by all sorts.

No.

I'm not winking at you now.

Right.

People loving the misheard lyrics.

You've got another one.

Erotica Madonna.

Oh, I see.

She's singing Bill Oddie.

Bill Oddie.

No.

Yeah.

From the Goodies?

Yeah, yeah.

And Springwatch.

Hang on.

Yeah, Bill Oddie.

Put your hands all over me body.

Hang on.

Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body.

I don't waste my evening, Zoe.

Only another 62.

So good.

Oh.

Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body.

Have you seen her recently?

I mean, not out and about.

I thought you meant Bill Oddie.

Yeah.

I've got a Bill Oddie story.

Have you?

If you say his name fast, it's a swear word.

Oh, is it?

Don't.

You've already done that one today.

Don't do it again.

Go on.

I'm scolded.

Go on.

My brother went to, I don't know if I can tell this story.

He went to Pam Eyre's barbecue, I think.

Is that a euphemism?

No, it's definitely not.

All right, go on.

And he was walking along and there were lots of wild creatures running everywhere.

Yeah.

And he accidentally, he was only a little one.

Yeah.

And he stood on a stoat.

And obviously, under the foot of an eight-year-old, it didn't make it.

And Bill Oddie was behind him and he just picked up the deaded stoat and he put it in

a bush and went, shh, no one will ever know.

Oh.

Lovely man.

So your brother stood on a stoat at Pam Eyre's house?

Yeah.

Is that a euphemism?

Definitely not.

All right, OK.

Definitely not.

It's the Zoe Bull Breakfast Show.

BBC Radio 2.

Love, love, love, Peter Kaye will never forget sitting in a hospital room while my child

slept trying to stifle uncontrollable giggling watching the Miss Heard Lyric sketch.

Aw.

Ten years on the kids and they still find it as hilarious as I do.

Oh, that's nice.

Just let me staple the vicar.

From We Are A Family.

Yes.

Stitches every time I hear it.

Great to have you back, Peter.

Play another one quick before we finish.

Shall we?

Right, OK.

What have you got?

Oh, a bit more Madonna.

Spaniard.

Ah, OK.

Oh, more Madonna.

Ray of Light.

Ray of Light, yeah.

OK, you ready for it then?

Yeah, I'm ready.

I'm poised.

I'm playing the tape.

For some reason in this year, Anna Friel.

Listen.

Anna Friel.

Anna Friel from Brookside.

Yeah.

From Brookside, yeah.

And Marcella.

Oh.

Marcella, and we have Blondie.

This one.

This isn't Blondie.

Oh, is this Blondie?

This is Blondie.

Oh, this is Corn Beef she's singing.

Love Corn Beef, Debbie Harry.

Corn Beef.

Carries a tin of it in her bag.

And Corn Beef fashion.

Ready?

Corn Beef.

Love it.

Oh, I love it.

Corn Beef.

White bread.

Little nose.

Corn Beef.

Oh, she can't get enough of it.

Can't get enough of it.

I like corn beef in a sandwich like white bread,

thick butter, a layer, and then a bit of brown sauce.

Beautiful.

Yeah, beautiful.

Peter, what a joy to have you on the show.

I'm done now.

Four minutes, and that's it.

That's it.

It goes quick, doesn't it?

It does go quick.

Thanks, everybody.

And thanks, honestly, for all the...

I really appreciate whatever has been happening

the last few days.

It's so lovely and so nice, and it's proper overwhelming,

so thank you very much.

And it's wonderful.

I hope I do you a good show.

Oh, we know it's going to be a great show,

and we can't wait.

Thank you.

Thanks for taking the time to come in

and see us, Peter.

You're OK.

I can't do it over the phone.

It's not good manners.

You've got to be here.

It's not.

Not anymore.

No excuses anymore.

I know.

We love you, Peter.

Thanks, Zoe.

Take care.

The tour's going to be massive.

We love it.

BBC Sounds.

Music, radio, podcasts.

The new Boost Mobile Network is offering

unlimited talk, text, and data

for just $25 a month for life.

That sounds like a threat.

Then how do you think we should say it?

Unlimited talk, text, and data

for just $25 a month

for the rest of your life?

I don't know.

Until your ultimate demise.

What if we just say forever?

OK.

$25 a month forever.

Get unlimited talk, text, and data

for just $25 a month

with Boost Mobile forever.

After 30 gigabytes,

customers may experience slower speeds.

Customers will pay $25 a month

as long as they remain active

on the Boost Unlimited plan.

This episode is brought to you

by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible.

Financial geniuses.

Monetary magicians.

These are things people say

about Germany.

Drivers who switch their car insurance

to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit Progressive.com

to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance

Company and Affiliates.

Potential savings will vary.

Not available in all states or situations.