Don't Look Crazy In The Eye | Dorktown 230

episode 230 what

what town

are you guys are you guys checking to see if you got wax in your ears

can you can you believe what you're hearing could it be

no

it's not you're dreaming you're dreaming

you're on synthetic stuff

that's reed

that's like asteroid sounds like that i think that's the asteroids

that sounds like it was better than the metallica show yeah

did you go to that did you go to that did you go to that did you feel that

Did you go to that Metallica show?

Metallica?

Yeah.

No.

Why would I want to go to Metallica?

Metal?

But they're not.

Thank you.

They're not metal?

They used to be.

I agree with you on that one.

You guys don't think Metallica's metal.

They used to be.

You're like, they've never been better since the Black Album.

I saw them before they sucked as bad as they do now.

Ooh.

Yep.

What band?

I went through this with the Weezer thing.

What band is better?

Now that 20 years later, they're better.

They're better?

Come on.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Maybe a band that's better than their heyday.

Better.

Their album that made them.

I don't know.

Radiohead's pretty good.

They've stayed consistently pretty good with their stuff.

Nobody listens to Radiohead anymore.

I'll tell you who sucks.

You want me to tell you who sucks?

Radiohead sucks.

Sure.

You know who I can't stand?

Sure.

You too.

Whoa.

Uh-oh.

Aaron's right now listening and he's not happy.

This is not cool.

Nah, I'm done with Bono and his bullshit.

Wow.

And his world-loving bullshit.

He's a billionaire bullshit artist.

I don't believe a fucking thing.

You're done with him being nice to the world.

Well, they haven't done a decent album since Octoon Baby, and everything just sounds like

shit, and it's all just radio play.

It's all radio fodder.

It's all crap.

Wow.

This is when I need to be able to get Aaron.

There is not a significant album since Octoon Baby.

I haven't liked them since they forced their way onto your Apple playlist.

Oh, fuck that.

Wow.

Fuck that.

Wow.

When they turned iPod Red.

Years later.

I don't like how they are on my Apple Play.

It's intrusive.

That's an intrusion, yeah.

It really is.

I mean, who is Bono?

Giving you a free album.

Who the hell is Bono to tell me what I should listen?

Here's my album.

I don't want your album.

I didn't ask for it.

Here's my album.

This is my album.

I didn't ask for this.

This is my album.

Can you just pay me for the suffering that I've endured because this album was on my phone?

Suffering.

My suffering?

My pain and suffering.

Poor Aaron.

It's real, man.

It's real.

Nah, he doesn't care.

Real conversations happen.

They're not that great.

Well, so what have you guys been doing?

We just had an episode, right?

No.

Normal every two weeks, right?

Yeah.

Bono.

He's not that great.

True story.

I jogged around the world.

I just don't think he's that great.

That's what I've been doing.

That's why we have a podcast.

It's been six months, right?

Because you jogged around the world?

Mm-hmm.

Rambo 5 is being filmed.

Come up with something better.

The greatest thing you should know right now, Rambo Last Blood.

This is why we're back.

It's being filmed right now, okay?

Oh, wow.

Do you understand how important this is?

He is pumped up, guys.

He is pumped up.

This is Rambo 5.

You want to know what it's about?

Yeah, sure.

I'll tell you what it's about.

Okay.

Rambo's back in Arizona.

That's where he's from.

Oh, I didn't know that.

You didn't know that?

It's a root situation, huh?

Indian and German descent.

Snowflake?

Excuse me?

Is he from Snowflake?

You're talking in tongues that I don't care to tangle with.

Is he from Helabin?

You're talking in tongues I don't care to tangle with.

Is he from Sedona?

He's from Arizona.

All right.

You know where Zona is?

He's in there somewhere.

It's the state of Arizona.

There's a border.

It borders other states.

He's inside that state.

Okay?

Somewhere inside it.

Does somebody from his past come to get him?

See, he's living a life out on a ranch now.

Solitude.

With horses.

Him and Harrison Ford.

And what he does is he helps people during disaster relief.

Oh.

He goes and helps rescue.

You know, he's got experience, but there's a Mexican cartel that's abducting women for

cartel purposes.

And they got rubs on the border.

And that rubs Rambo the wrong way.

He is not happy about this situation.

He's not.

At the fuck off.

He's not.

And all he has to say is, death is coming for you.

And there's not a thing you can do to stop it.

I can't wait till it comes out.

It sounds fantastic.

Don't you think?

I think so.

I can't wait.

I'm going opening day.

Who wants to go with me?

Sounds amazing.

Rambo fight.

Last blood.

Who's in?

Mike's in.

Sweet.

I raised my hand.

I guess there's two of us.

Thursday night.

Are they going to do a midnight showing on the Thursday night?

God, I hope so.

We got to go wait in line.

Yeah.

We got to go wait.

Like, start packing.

Camping overnight.

I don't want to hear any more spoilers spells.

That's it.

That's all you know.

No more spoilers on the Rambo 5.

There might be some deaths involved.

Someone might die.

Maybe.

Rambo 5.

Someone might die.

Last blood.

In your face.

So, I told you people that we would never pod fade.

We would tell you.

If we aren't going to come back.

We would do a last episode.

This is it.

Was it a last episode?

No.

We did no last episodes.

That meant Dirt Town never went away.

So, remember that.

So, next year when we do a show.

Bitches.

In 2020 when we do our next episode.

Wait for it.

You can't get mad at us.

That's right.

The anticipation.

There's no upset.

It's like finally having sex with that hot person.

Because we're going to do a show.

I guess girls could listen to that show too.

I can't just say hot.

Oh, all right.

Since the time we've got.

I mean.

Last episode we've cleaned up our act and we're saying all the proper things.

Yeah.

We don't cuss.

Oh, no.

Gosh, no.

Shit, no.

I mean, no.

Sometimes words come out of our mouths.

That's for that swarmy, perfect, poor show.

What have you been drinking, Bells?

Have you been drinking beer?

I drink beer.

Yeah?

I do.

Sherms?

Just all Sherms?

I like Sherms and I like confused therapists.

Yeah?

Because then afterwards, after a couple of those, you turned into a confused therapist.

You started being your own therapist?

Yep.

And it's not good.

Diagnosis is bad.

Diagnosis.

Okay, I'm going to wake up in not a good mood.

Diagnosis, Heidi.

I'm going to wake up not good.

Not good.

What have you been doing, Producer Becky?

What have you been doing?

What have I been doing?

Stuff.

Cool stuff.

Stuff.

Yeah?

Cool stuff.

We've missed you on the podcast.

Have you?

How so?

Everybody.

Who?

You and Bells.

They're like, what?

Who is every?

The podcast community.

Who's the podcast?

Is there people podcast still?

A couple.

Oh, yeah.

There's some people out there.

You guys haven't.

I know Becky hasn't been listening to podcasts.

Have you been listening to podcasts, Bells?

Never.

I change jobs, so I don't have the opportunity.

Yeah.

I sit there at a desk, but that's okay.

I just stopped giving a shit about everything.

You just checked out.

Fuck.

Fuck everything.

You just checked out.

Yeah.

That's just my.

I love it.

It's great.

I fucking drive around and look at people.

Fuck.

I don't give a fuck.

Fuck it.

It's fucking great.

Hey, I'm checked out, everyone.

You guys got a problem?

Nope.

I just don't give a fuck.

No, I don't give a fuck.

Do you have an issue?

No, I don't fucking care.

It doesn't matter.

Fuck you.

That's fine.

Fuck off.

It's great.

Okay.

All right.

It was pretty good.

You're basically in the news for a freaking federal offense.

You're almost part of a federal crime.

Oh, someone tried to fuck with me.

Put his ass in jail.

Wow.

What happened?

They tried to kill me.

Someone tried to kill you?

Someone tried to kill me.

Some of the podcast syndicate tried to kill you?

So I was in my safe zone of Clovis where nothing bad happened.

It happens.

Ever.

Of course not.

And I decided, you know, it was a Saturday afternoon and my girls were hungry.

I figured I'll take him out to a nice place for lunch.

But I want to take him somewhere old school.

Nice place.

I want to take him somewhere old school.

Couple months back we went to couple couple months back.

We went to Sam's Deli and did that up.

And it was really nice.

And so my wife was suggesting, oh, let's go.

let's go to sam's deli and i'm like no let's we already went there i want to go to geno's

she said yeah fuck yeah let's go to geno's baby so we went to geno's and geno's as always

did not disappoint but you know solid sandwich in town yeah it's one of the best we have best

bread my god right that bread is phenomenal geno's for a hole in the wall man you can't

beat that place anyhow we leave and we're driving to go back home and i'm driving down maroa avenue

minding my own fucking business staying in my lane mike staying in my lane stay in your lane

staying in my lane when a fucking u.s postal mail truck blows through the stop sign

takes a right turn right in front of me almost side swipes me gets right in front of me turns

around and fished

me

,

into some neighborhood yard and catches grass and now is doing a donut fishtailing it around

and the the and this whole post office truck is is turning towards my car which i have stopped now

and i'm watching this guy as he's staring at me with this fucking steering wheel turned

and i'm looking at him going you are not a post office worker

this is not happening

this is not fucking happening

and he's staring right fucking at me and i'm like you're about to hit my fucking car when the fucking wheels gripped the asphalt and it shot him right across before he hit us and he wrecked right into pg and e wires

so i seen that slant down

the wires did not snap

they tore the fucking car off

they tore the roof off i said i'm not gonna do that anymore

this is not fucking happening

saw that okay smashed it right so the first thing i did was i when he hit that i see glass smash

and i wait to see if reverse lights are going to go on yeah he's gonna i'm thinking two things

this guy's gonna keep going he's probably got a gun on him or his head's decapitated

in any case my girls don't need to witness this no so i was able to maneuver around him

call 9-1-1 you know tell him what's going on tell him what the situation was and when i turned

around and drove back he was already out of the the truck and had jumped a fence tried to run

into someone's garage they chased him out he broke into a business the sheriffs the cops showed up

when i turned around and pulled up we gave him description and within five minutes they had him

they had him

caught so they didn't need my assistance anymore i took care of it but there was one guy

he stole this thing from fresno state area and drove it down shaw weaving through traffic

and another guy was chasing his ass knowing what he did knowing what he did and he was trying to

call the cops and keep it on and so this guy's private citizen this dude that stole the post

office truck is hauling ass because he thinks there's a guy chasing him right

because he gets out when he wrecks the car he gets out and runs up to someone and says

this is stolen post office truck someone's chasing me he says

someone's chasing someone's chasing him yeah it was that guy that was chasing him

to tell him he was doing wrong wow and so he went to jail he's probably gonna get federally

charged i don't know who knows because that's i mean when you fuck with post office stuff it's

not a good thing you don't want to fuck with them

yeah that happened gee that's what happens when you go see shit like that doesn't happen in clovis

that was closer to clovis boring it's not allowed boring we like excitement do you yeah

shit to happen we like people losing their shit and having to break down it happens like once a

day here things happen yeah you hang out in the street corner long enough shit goes down somebody

in front of target at uh west and uh shaw

is that shaw yeah west yeah um some lady was in front of it like screaming and freaking out and

like and my daughter and i sean marks thank you and my daughter and i walked by and i was like

don't look her in the eye don't look at me she's totally like screaming and jumping up and down

near us as we're entering that's on the that's on the fresno sign when you come on 99 it says

fresno don't look her in the eye look her in the eye it's fresno's moniker yeah don't look him in

the eye yeah then i told her as all you never want to look crazy in the eye honey if you learn

anything from me learn this don't look crazy in the eye because i'll be like oh you're engaging

with me come here people person well so has anybody watched any good movies lately movies

oh let's uh let's let's give some netflix recos what you've been binging on becky

you just went through a series that i didn't know existed that has snl people it has uh

various people of of it's got the keenan no no the why don't you just tell her what it is because

she doesn't know i don't know what you're saying right now the friends my friends from college

so you have to tell her that that's a that's not a great sitcom though well you just blew through

that two seasons well

it's because it's good brainless yummy comedy but we don't have netflix i thought you how do

you survive you don't have anything huh you have hulu we have prime prime amazon that's it

jeez what's on prime what are you what's what's going on on there i don't know you don't watch

it i don't know you watch any of it the marvelous miss mazel that's their big hit oh yeah that's a

good show i watch the football yeah what's football this is on the television

this is on the box of television what are you gonna do when football season's over

now that the rams have won this simple hey man congratulations rams you better not be jinxed

that was a good game oh boy it's a good game oh boy i need to see murder mountain but i haven't

yet i'm a little scared to see murder mountain i can't wait till rambo five i really can't but

in the meantime i did go see may poppins returns

i heard good things it was pretty good

it was actually good actually it was good it was actually done very well if you like

mary poppins you will like mary poppins returns i used to read it was pretty it was pretty freaking

feel good and there are cameos super feel good it's pretty it's pretty amazing is this chewy

is chewbacca cameo chewbacca he is he eats everybody at the end

oh

they're like oh chewy you're so violent it was before he was spayed so he was very violent

before he got neutered did you know that happens in me chewy was just a vicious vicious bitch

before he got neutered when the empire captured him they they neutered him

that's why i was so pissed you didn't see solo did you i don't know that's why he was i don't

know my fault i saw solo i could see it what do you think it's all right solo

is dropping it was better than the last jedi

sorry bold you don't have to say sorry it's actually it was a better story than the last

jedi wow wow that is bold that's that is bells he's back i like solo solo was a really good

movie that was good rogue one was good after watching rogue one again we realized what a

genius movie that is

for the having the greatest scene of all time of all star wars movies i'm sorry that is the

greatest fucking star wars scene of all time wow top that wow wow which one top fucking that top

vader fucking unleashing utter hell in that hallway at the end of obi-wan and qui-gon facing

darth maul gay no won't i mean he got cut in half really and he killed qui-gon yeah so how great was

that

the qui-gon wasn't that good and then and then wait a minute the moment when they're meditating

and all the light beams are stopping them and and they meditate obi-wan was really not that

great of a jedi yeah he was no he wasn't he's quietly a great jedi he's quietly one of the

greatest oh my god he got a little love tap from doku he killed what was it on his leg or his arm

and he passed out the most the most powerful jedi of all time

anakin he maimed him he passed out higher ground and let doku cut off anakin's shit doku

fuck him up a little bit that was all part of obi-wan's plan wasn't he had to soften him up

so when it came time to face him on that oh volcanic planet oh here it comes goodbye there

don't try it anakin i have don't try it anakin okay try it anakin goodbye hello there

hello there

obi-wan weak weak weak last jedi last jedi was horrible you know nothing john snow all right

let's do a quick we gotta do because it's been so long quick little or game what

what's that game never heard of it well it's this game where you have two choice similar choices

and you got to pick one or the other it's our game we came up with it nobody else

all the games we came up with it we came up with it we came up with it we came up with it we came up

games come past it i've copied off dark town they owe us money they owe us money pay us start

you know what happened to my father i got him one of those dna tests a couple years ago and he got

a call recently and found out that he had a sister and a brother he never knew about really yeah

isn't that crazy yeah that's what happens when you get those dna dns that's like popping up

everywhere yeah people are gonna come all around from the woodwork say hey you got some money

emails i'm your

kid i get emails from representatives in like certain countries in africa yeah that claim that

i have a family member who had recently deceased and has 35 million dollars in the bank oh you

should totally follow up with that so that i just need to i just need to pay him some money

so that he could get that 35 million dollars to me yeah i mean i can't wait i'm just i'm waiting

for that

cash are you gonna let him live with you oh once i get my 35 million i'll buy him a house

oh that's cool well i look forward to that maybe you can get a podcast studio with all

it's coming from zimbabwe or somewhere oh good yes apparently i have family there that's really

exciting news i'm happy for you thank you i get emails like that like constantly i apparently

i had a lot of family members in africa somewhere and they were rich as fuck apparently you want to

give the

i don't know what they did

if any email any listeners want to contact you do you want to give your email bells

to who you know any listeners that want to contact you maybe they have money to give you

oh what's your what's your fuck wait a minute the just give it to the hold on yeah it's dark

tom it's called it's the panhandler pod panhandler patreon

panhandler

panhandlers

you might as well just sit out on a corner fucking with an empty beer glass

pretty much it's the same thing as sitting out there with a fucking

yeah but paper sign but you get bonuses what wait those bonuses with dork town gave on a patreon

those guys sitting on the corner walk away tax-free and they probably open a better car

than i drive you know you have to claim it we claim it um what about them oh i don't know yeah

well what would dork town give uh give out for bonuses for patrons what could dork town do

could we get like a live bells feed like would you do a live a youtube live a bells at his house

in his garage send them to me bells what in my garage yeah no come on chewbacca stuffed animals

you you send out chewbacca stuffed animals that's what we do

sure i don't know what the fuck you're gonna do it you just you just signed yourself up for it so

now we're starting a patreon page dork town no we're not once every episode we get paid every

episode so one dollar a year you pay anything to this show you're sad okay you're not starting

you're not sad you just have if you send any money to this show we don't just we don't we

don't tell you that's bad listen we don't have we don't have a cardboard sign up for it you

have a cardboard sign up after that you got a cardboard sign up right now girl cardboard saying

you need a dollar or some shit you're hungry you need some food you got a cardboard sign up do you

want i don't do you michael i'll make one what the fuck is this patreon page bullshit i'll do it i

think it's a good thing gives let's creatives get some money from their fans and they give fine if

we don't have one billion dollars by the end of this fucking year we're gonna have a cardboard sign up for it

month it's over this shit's over all right god said so there it is anyway or game

this is vehicle theme because of that walmart commercial with all the

all the the iconic vehicles that park in the in the parking lot

so do you see the stellar r12 commercial with with carrie bradshaw and the dude what the fuck dude

what some you didn't see this yet i don't watch regular tv i watch it's yeah the dude sold out i

can't believe he must really need some money like holy shit well he comes in as the dude

and and he does stella he gets his orders of stella our toes yep you know still our toes

our twa first it's so sad it's what's her name brothers

first it's what's her name carrie bradshaw it's in her sex in the city role you know she walks in

and they're like well hello miss bradshaw would you like your cosmopolitan she says no i'll have

a stella our twa and the fucking music stops everybody drops glasses and shit they're walking

out with a cosmopolitan they wave it down no they bring out a stella and then here comes the dude

walking in

and over all the broken glass saying man must have been a party here last night

yeah and he walks up to the bar and the guy says white russian

and he says no i think i'll have stellar r12s our toes he calls it

and our toes yep our toes and then he sits down right next to carrie bradshaw and she says hey

good choice and he says some shit about change and the dude abides and it's stellar and then

you realize that they're promoting a really shitty beer yeah it's a really good commercial

for a really really shitty beer i'm promoting a really shitty beer yeah what happened i am

all right stella our toes

uh or game so

uh the back to the future delorean

or knight riders king

Kit.

Oh.

Knight Rider's Kit.

Kit, yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Kit talked to you.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't need to travel through time.

Kit had feelings.

And he talked to you.

It's a time travel machine.

Yeah, but Michael.

That's a DeLorean?

That had some serious problems that needed your...

That needed freaking what?

Uranium or plutonium?

What did it need?

I know, seriously.

And you only went to like one year.

Oh, but the...

Check it out.

He did change it to garbage, though, in the very end.

I mean, it just went back to like the 50s or whatever.

But originally, it was a pretty scary machine.

I mean, this is Knight Rider in the 80s, dude.

I mean, we're talking bright lights, big city, cocaine.

I mean, fuck the 80s.

Michael Hasselhoff.

I mean, you got a car that looks like a Cylon.

Back to the future.

Fuck the capacitor.

Oh, Jesus, you guys.

Yeah.

It's a DeLorean.

We understand what you're saying.

Yeah, we chose.

And we've seen the movie.

What's your choice?

We're guessing DeLorean.

It's DeLorean.

Jeez.

Yeah.

You guys are crazy.

I just didn't care for Back to the Future like you care for Back to the Future.

I love Back to the Future.

I just think that the kit supplies more of my...

Yeah.

Wow.

Kit really does a lot.

All right.

Knight Rider.

A man and his machine.

And his machine.

Is that one of the courses?

I forgot that one.

Luke's land speeder or Anakin's pod racer.

Oh, the land speeder.

Land speeder.

For sure.

And some kid in our neighborhood had a land speeder.

Like electric land speeder.

What?

Just driving around in it.

Little kid's version.

Recently or when you were a kid?

No, recently.

I'm like, no shit.

It was parked out in their driveway.

I almost stole it.

Yeah.

That's mine.

Can I ride in it real quick?

You mind if I take a ride around the block?

I would have if I would have fit in it.

Yeah, that's mine.

I couldn't fit in it.

Oh, man.

I tried.

Lame.

Optimus Prime.

18-wheeler rig or the Smoky and the Bandit rig from Smoky and the Bandit.

Optimus Prime.

You got your ears on?

Yeah.

Optimus Prime.

Eastbound down, load them up and truck them.

We're going to do what they say can't be done.

They got a long way to go and a short time to get there.

Just ease on band.

Just watch old bandit run.

Just some bullshit up in Texas.

There's something up in Texas.

There's some bullshit up in Texas.

Better get there really quick.

Just ease on band.

Just watch old bandit run.

Don't worry about them Smokies.

Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.

Oh.

Okay.

Fuck Jerry Reeds.

Go.

Jerry Reed kicks ass.

Rig wins.

Optimus Prime.

Hell fucking yes.

He's got his dog.

Got that dog.

Got your ears on out there.

Come on, Fred.

He's got Fred.

Bandit, you got your ears on out there?

Fred gets his ass.

Fred gets Jerry Reed's ass kicked.

Come on, Fred.

Got my ass kicked again.

And then Fred goes and jumps out in the lake.

I mean, it's Fred.

It's Fred.

Fuck.

Yep.

He's badass.

He is.

Dukes of the hazard car or the Spicoli van.

Spicoli van?

Oh, God.

Last time Spicoli van.

It's a van, of course.

I'm going to go Dukes of Hazzard on this one.

I've seen the Dukes of Hazzard car.

Well, there's a flag on it.

At the big Fresno Fair.

The big, big Fresno.

It was big.

Big, big, big Fresno.

Big, big, big Fresno Fair.

Is that like the official replica or was that the car?

One of the cars that was used in the filming.

I was young.

Do you know how many of those there must have been?

I was young.

So I'm going to say it was them that drove it there, too.

It was Bo and Luke Duke.

Hey, how you doing?

And Uncle Jesse was in the back seat.

And Daisy was in the trunk.

Yeah, where was Daisy?

Daisy was in the trunk.

Oh, that's too bad.

It was okay.

You shouldn't do that to Daisy.

Okay, one more.

The Millennium Falcon or the Enterprise?

Oh, Star Trek.

Fuck, fuck.

Anything Star Trek related.

Whoa.

No.

No Star Trek for you.

I'm going to say the Enterprise because that's a whole, like, country basically floating around in the air.

And you have a lot of stuff to do.

There's restaurants.

There's a bar.

Well, the Millennium Falcon has a wet bar.

Oh, okay.

It's questionable.

The Millennium Falcon.

There's nothing questionable in the Millennium Falcon.

Except for.

How it runs.

They've got smuggling compartments, too.

Mm-hmm.

You can smuggle shit.

Smuggle real good.

Now, mind you, you wouldn't be able to take the Enterprise through the rowdy stuff that the Millennium Falcon has.

It is ridden through rocks.

Dang straight.

And.

Yeah.

Into mouths of big, giant worms.

Yep.

That live in planets.

It's made its way through buildings really fast.

Other spaceships.

It's survived Minoc attacks.

Mm-hmm.

Minocs.

Minoc.

Just what I thought.

Minocs.

Yeah.

So, yeah, there is something.

Go on back inside.

Chewie and I will clear him off.

Yeah.

And the Enterprise, like you.

That's true.

They.

Chewing on the power cables.

And then.

You can.

Enterprise.

What's it called when you, like.

Basically.

Yeah.

Beam down.

If you've been on the Enterprise.

You can do that on that.

You've been inappropriately manhandled by Captain Kirk.

Enterprise, you've been inappropriate.

You've been inappropriated by Captain Kirk.

Probably.

Yeah.

Then.

You know.

Han is probably.

Doesn't matter what you are.

You keep it on the Millennium Falcon.

When he calls you up onto the bridge.

You know what that means.

You know it's your time.

You know what that means.

Everyone knows what that means.

Oh, God.

Hoo-hoo.

Oh, shit.

Shit.

There he goes again.

Shut up.

You're in one place.

Oh, crap.

One of my favorite scenes recently is not Star Trek.

But that scene.

From Black Mirror.

Or that episode from Black Mirror.

That one in a kind of.

Best episode.

Did it win an Emmy?

It would be an Emmy.

Yeah.

It was so good.

So good.

I don't watch.

For a music break.

We're not going to do a music break.

We're going to do a voicemail.

I've been sitting on since.

Like.

Let's see if I have a date here.

Why then?

A voicemail since May of last year.

From whom?

Because that's how long it's been.

What?

So we have a voicemail to play.

From who?

559-492-0542 is a Dorktown Network voicemail line.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dorktown.

This is Reed.

Reed.

Hey, where the hell have you been?

How did you know that?

I just wanted to say.

I don't know.

I don't know how to say this.

You know, if you guys are breaking up or stopping the show or if you're continuing and just

taking a big hiatus, I just wanted to make sure that I told you that you guys are an

important part of my life that I'll never forget and that I hope I never have to try

to remember and tell my grandchildren about because you guys will still be, you know,

wait a minute.

No.

I have to have grandchildren.

Never mind.

I'm not going to have grandchildren.

So.

You got to have a kid.

Yeah.

I don't know if you guys need something to talk about.

How about.

Sure.

I've been thinking about 90s bands.

90s.

And not just 90s bands as a topic, but 90s bands as a guilty pleasure.

Maybe B-sides.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe I like Pearl Jam.

Oh, don't tell anybody I like Pearl Jam.

All right.

Whatever.

Okay.

But maybe don't tell anybody that I like the Pearl Jam spinoff band Tantric.

All right.

Like stuff like that.

Maybe you guys can talk about, you know, Tantric, Seven Mary Three, Lucy's Fur Coat.

Who?

You know, those B-side kind of mid to late 90s bands.

Okay.

Shit.

What was that Alice in Chains band called?

You know, the acoustic guitar.

The guy that sounded like Layne Staley.

They were pretty cool.

The song about the woods or something.

Godsmack.

Alice in Chains.

It's called Alice in Chains.

Oleander.

Yeah.

Oleander.

Oh, I like Oleander.

U-P-O.

I'll admit to it.

I like Oleander.

Brother Kane.

All those Soundgarden knockoffs.

Soundgarden, Nirvana, Pearl Jam knockoffs.

Come on.

Discuss.

Anyway.

Door Town for Life.

Yo.

Door Town for Life.

Okay.

Wright said Fred.

I hope Reed's been okay.

Wright said Fred was good in the 90s.

CNC Music Factory.

Yeah, I like Oleander.

CNC Music Factory.

That's not 90s.

It's 80s, isn't it?

It's good enough.

It's 90s enough.

Should be.

Should be 90s.

Everybody from the 90s in Seattle is dead now.

Everybody died except for...

Except for Pearl Jam.

Except for Eddie Vedder,

who's from Seattle.

He's from San Diego.

Is that why he's still alive?

That's why he's still alive.

He hasn't hung himself yet,

or shot himself,

or killed himself,

or OD'd or anything.

He didn't do heroin, probably.

He didn't.

But then again,

I think Pearl Jam has digressed as a band.

They're not as good as they used to be.

I don't know what's going on with them.

I mean, after the first couple albums,

they just...

He's just turning to Neil Young,

and I don't care what he has to say anymore.

But before,

everybody wanted to sound like Eddie Vedder.

They tried to sing like him.

And then he got away from that.

He's like,

okay, well, I've done it.

It was like the first of that.

That's why.

So now I'm just going to be crappy,

and just do stuff.

I mean, he's been successful at it.

Don't get me wrong.

But it's not like I bought a Pearl Jam album

in the last 15, 20 years or so.

For a producer, Becky,

you don't have a 90s,

since it's more your generation,

you have a 90s band that nobody...

that you don't want.

I don't want to admit to,

but throw out some bands you're into.

Right said Fred.

Right.

Color me bad.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

Advanced George Michael solo stuff.

I want to sex you up!

I don't know.

Do you have something?

TikTok and you don't stop.

No.

Come on, man.

Yeah, yeah.

That's good stuff.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

Come on, man.

Silver chair.

Color me bad.

You know I love you.

I like silver chair.

You know I love you.

The silver chair 90s?

Yes.

It wasn't it?

Yeah, it was like...

I admit it.

I like silver chair, okay?

Me.

More.

You see that?

That Latin influence?

God, they were so...

I don't think that's what Reed was talking about.

...ahead of their time.

No.

I think it was more in the rock genre.

Oh, like the...

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, no.

I'm thinking about the things I said when I was drunk.

Some 41.

Anything...

I liked Some 41 when it came out.

Any song that was on American Pie.

I liked Some 41.

Sorry.

And any song that was on American Pie.

No, not them.

Not them.

Would you forget about...

No, shut up!

...the things I said when I was drunk.

Shut up.

I didn't mean to call you that.

God, that's great.

I mean, they're better than anything Sting could write.

I'm throwing blows, man.

I'm throwing blows.

I don't care.

I'll bring it out.

I'll kick you in the nuts.

I don't care.

I'll kick you in the nuts.

So there was a...

It was popular.

So there was a UFC event a couple weeks ago.

UFC.

And this is funny, actually.

Okay.

And so it was one of the first fights in the beginning.

And, you know, it's people that are no-namers.

So the arena is not full yet.

People are just getting there.

It's rather quiet.

But there's a fight going on.

Correct?

Correct.

Sure.

So these guys are there.

These two guys are in the cage about to fight.

And they're circling each other.

And it's real quiet as hell.

And they've got it on social media.

And one dude out of the crowd just yells out.

And you hear it in perfectly clear English.

Kick him in the dick, man!

And both fighters start cracking up.

Kick his dick, man!

He's like, no!

What the fuck?

Kick his dick!

We're trying to perform.

That was fucking awesome.

That was just awesome.

I thought that was pretty sweet.

Don't you mess it up.

Kick him in the dick!

Yeah.

I just had to throw that out there.

Kick his dick!

There's the show title right there.

There you go.

Kick his dick.

Kick the dick.

Where the fuck have you guys been, you sons of bitches?

Oh, boy.

This is Ray and Frank, and I haven't had a podcast to call into in eight months.

I've been sitting in this bunker waiting for you guys.

I'd like to call us in, like, years.

Waiting.

I figured you'd be, like, plastering your bunker with, like, Trump posters and shit.

I love the man.

The man is a god.

Oh, God.

I'm going to build a wall around all of you podcasters, you sons of bitch liberals in

California.

I'm in California.

We like to tax ourselves.

And we like to be nice.

And pretend that we're going to be good to the air.

Did you know that Arkansas has personal tax, which means that they, every year, tax you

on your car and tax you on your boat and tax you on, like, things that we, in particular,

in California, only tax one time?

Arkansas, a very Republican state, taxes you on that every single day.

Nobody cares about Arkansas.

That's an example.

We only care about Wyoming.

Frank, what color is your hair?

The same color your mom's is.

Okay.

I'm not sure what that means, but it's funny.

Okay.

I'm building a wall around my bunker now, just in case Trump's wall don't make it.

I don't have any hair left.

Really, I'm thinking.

I shaved it all off, just in case I need to run fast.

What if someone builds a ladder?

Yes, I'm thinking, right, Frank's probably this old man that I'm gonna, I'm gonna put,

I'm gonna pour hot oil down the ladder and they're gonna go jump off, have to jump off

the ladder.

That's creative.

Pretty.

Nobody's getting in here.

Nobody.

Not even Trump.

The zombies don't care about hot oil.

What if it's an attraction?

Nobody's getting in here.

Nobody.

Not even Trump.

The zombies don't care about hot oil.

What if it's an attraction?

It's an attraction.

It's an attractive young.

They'll burn their brains.

Oh, burn there.

No, they're not.

What if it's someone to mate with?

They'll just cook and then get into your home.

I do need to procreate a little bit.

Once in a while, I need a little procreation.

I hate, I hate what she said.

Is it somebody that looks similar to Trump?

Yup, I like to put on the Trump wig.

What if they did another Point Break 3?

I'm listening.

But they had Trump's mask and an Obama mask and a Clinton mask and a George W. Bush mask.

Where are they showing this?

I'll get out of my bunker for that.

But they're only robbing bars.

Oh, now we're talking.

Now, that's a good movie.

Shoot them up.

Rob some bars.

Spoon some women.

Go back home.

There you go.

Jump out of an airplane.

How much you got?

Shoot some endangered animals.

I'm not crying.

You're crying.

How much you got?

I don't know what you got, man.

I've been in this bunker.

Oh, my God.

Say hello.

Hello.

This is a movie.

Have you run out of canned chicken yet?

I'm out of canned tuna.

I'm out of the stars.

All the.

I'm down to the store brand shit.

You got any water left?

Nope.

I just drink my own pee now.

Oh.

Oh, with the life straw.

Good thinking.

That's good.

You know, if it's jelly.

You mean my penis?

Yes.

That's my life straw.

Right now.

If a jellyfish stings you, you can urinate on yourself.

There ain't no jellyfish in Southern Ohio when they dump something, bitch.

Well, if someone.

Go back to Cal.

Go back to California where it came from.

I'm already here in California.

I want to stay there, you son of a bitch.

I'm playing on it.

You don't know anything over there.

I don't fucking.

You know how a real man lives right here.

I don't give a shit about Wyoming.

I don't care about you.

I think you do.

Don't say that.

Don't you say that, you son of a bitch.

Don't you say that.

You care about me.

You're named after a hot dog at a baseball stadium, and I don't fucking care about baseball.

Ain't right.

Or fucking hot dogs.

So.

You can.

I mean, I'm just going to try to be.

You don't care about fucking hot dogs?

Listen, I'm going to say something as nice as I can.

Okay.

You can go fuck yourself.

Are you talking to me?

You ain't talking to me, son.

Yeah.

Because I'm going to come there right now and kick your son's bitch ass.

Now, you're going to.

You can't even leave your fucking bunker.

So come.

Come kick my ass.

Come try to put a light on my wall.

See what happens.

They're bullying.

See what happens.

I heard them.

See what happens.

I heard.

See what happens.

I heard they're building them a lot.

See what happens.

I heard their ladder's being built.

See what happens.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to go call the Furnacast.

You guys are dumb.

Didn't miss that guy.

I don't know.

The Furnacats?

The Furnacids?

No, I miss them.

They're still out there.

I will listen to the Furnacast once in a while.

They're full of action and adventure.

They're still posting.

Yeah.

He's a scary motherfucker, that Red.

But you know what?

If shit goes down.

We're going to be in his bunker.

You're going to be knocking on Red Frank's door.

He'll tell you.

Hey, Red.

You come on over.

Fuck it, asshole.

Just bring ammo and food.

I got the guns.

And Playboys.

Playboys.

You got just from 1990s.

1983 to 1992.

That's a good era.

Just bring those.

That's a good era.

I want the.

I want any of that.

That's.

That 2000s Playboy.

Holy Toledo.

That was terrible.

Terrible.

How are you guys doing?

Good.

We're doing good.

Doing good.

You missed.

You missed this at all?

Doing good.

You guys all right?

I missed it.

What is up with shitty ass TV shows?

Yes.

That shitty ass TV shows that are coming back now.

Like, oh, here's a crappy show that we fucking axed 10 years ago.

We're bringing back.

We're bringing it back again.

Here, you're going to love it.

You know.

What show?

Like, give me some.

You got Will and Grace.

You got Roseanne.

Now it's the Connors.

Oh, yeah.

They're bringing all these bullshit.

I like the Connors.

Really?

I'm actually happy Roseanne is not on there.

For the first time, I'm like, this is a cool show.

I mean, this is how bad TV is.

If you can't come.

If you're not creative enough to come up with something new and you're going back to that

old well, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Then when the fuck is Barnaby Jones coming back?

Oh, I'm in.

Give me some of that.

I mean, give me some Barnaby Jones.

Give me some of that private detective that lived in the trailer park guy.

My mom watches Columbo.

Is it Columbo?

Who's that?

No, not Columbo.

Oh, Rockford Files?

Rockford Files.

Jim Rockford.

Yeah.

Look at there.

That dude lived in a trailer.

Just lived.

Dated day by day.

Live day to day in a trailer.

And then solved solved people's mysteries.

Drove a car.

He didn't know what was going to happen to him the next day, but he solved people's mysteries

and he managed to manage to live and sleep in his trailer.

Yep.

I mean, that's a show.

Nobody's going to come up with a show like that now.

Nope.

That's a show was on network television.

Yeah.

The guy lived in a piece of shit trailer.

That's bad ass.

It was a drunk.

That's right.

Alcoholic.

That's right.

Trailer and solve people's.

That's right.

And there was nothing wrong with that type of TV program.

Everything was okay.

This is fine.

Now people's feelings get hurt.

Oh.

Now, if you know.

He's setting a bad example.

Oh.

Can't do it.

Rock Files anymore.

You can't.

It's going to be something else.

It's got to be like Cottonball.

Now he goes home.

Yeah.

He goes home and smokes.

It's not Rockford.

It's like Cottonball files.

The flower files.

Where they solve the case of the missing trash can.

Who took the recycling bin?

Who took our recycling bin?

You need to find this out.

It's time for the Fonzie.

Hey.

And how about Henry Winkler?

The Fonz?

Hey.

Winkler.

I thought that guy.

Since we been gone, he got an Emmy, mother fuckers.

Mother fuckers for what's it called?

For the show on the HBO's.

With what's his butt?

Yeah.

With the guy from .

Killing people.

And he's a killer.

But he also wants to be an actor.

Yeah.

It's a good show.

Bill Hader.

Oh.

Yeah.

Bill Hader.

Oh.

You don't know about he's beyond class.

He's a good chef.

But big Fonzie.

And he's a sweetheart.

He's such a nice guy.

He's the nicest person.

Does his best in the world.

And so, yes.

We're going to A and cheers him.

Cheers.

I know you're going to A.

Cheers, guys.

Fonzie A to the Los Angeles Rams.

Sean McVay, the sexiest coach in NFL.

He's got sexy hair.

He's got skinny pants.

You know how many comments I've heard about this man from women recently?

He's so handsome.

He just turned 33.

And there's a guy.

There's a guy.

There's a guy that his job is to pull him away from running into referees during the game.

Have you seen this?

Yeah, yeah.

He has a handler.

He's got a handler.

So that he doesn't kill him.

So he doesn't run into referees because he's walking out.

He gets all crazy on the sideline.

He can't contain it.

So someone has to be there to pull him back so he doesn't run into a referee and get called a penalty on.

The whole game, there's someone back there that literally pulls him back.

Non-stop.

And they'll grab him.

They'll grab him from the hair.

They'll grab him from the butt.

They'll grab him from the shirt.

No bug guys.

Choke collar his ass.

Fucking horse collar his ass.

Tie him up.

There's a lot of women in the United States that would not mind having that job.

And men.

Man.

So congratulations Rams.

Fonzie to Gino.

We're getting into the Super Bowl and we're having the finest coach in a while.

Oh, you can't say that.

Oh, you can say that on podcast.

Super Bowl.

Oh no, I'm sorry.

The big game.

Oh, it's the big game.

The game.

It's the big game of the country.

Of freedom.

That is super, don't you think?

Freedom Bowl country of two teams from opposite sides of this great nation.

Oh, happy football people.

Welcome back and welcome back to podcasting YouTube.

Happy football people.

We'll see you next year.

No, there's still like a good minute.

Something.

You have to vent more.

So, um, I think Macy's is having a white flower right now.

Yeah, they're not sponsored.

Don't don't talk about that.

Oh, okay.

I got a P.

You want us to be a sponsor.

We go.

You're gonna have to hold.

Can you hold it till we stop?

Best thing I've tried in a while.

Trader Joe's has a ginger lime sparkly.

Give me a Rico.

Ginger lime sparkling.

Sparkling water.

And it's like really good.

You know, it's just sparkling water.

We get our sparkling water from Walmart.

It's called Great American or Good American.

Why?

It's evil.

Why is it evil?

Terrible employers.

So and they decimate a town's motherfucker.

Do you work for a good employer?

Yeah.

Fuck that shit.

Is there such thing as a good employer?

And you'll be shot.

Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.

Amazon's terrible.

Here, let me tell you this.

Do you like to save money?

Not at the expense of people.

At the expense of people.

If they don't give a fuck about you.

Exactly.

None of those people that you're worried about.

Give a fuck about you.

Oh, they love me.

No, they don't.

They love me.

So, on that point, if I go to another grocery store and it costs me twice as much, but I

can go there and it only costs me half as much, why the fuck would I not want to go there?

It's not twice as much.

How do you know?

Come on.

Have you been there?

I heard things.

Hey, you've been there.

Don't.

Hey.

That was.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Enough of this funny business already, eh?

We'll see you next year.

Hey.

Fuckers.

Hey.

Bye, guys.

Class to fazool, huh?

What the fuck?

Thank you for listening.