173 :: Octopussy

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

Just a two of us

We can make it if we try

Just a two of us

Cars and cars and hits

It's company too

Four in the morning

The end of December

And now number five

We got five years

Stuck on fire

Five years

Six in the morning, police at my door

Fresh Shadida squeak across the bathroom

Seven

When I see their happy faces

Smiling back at me

Seven

Ain't got nothing but love, baby

Seven

Eighth day of the week

For the fortune of the night

Cars and cars and hits

It's a Saturday night

Get money in the market

It'll be all right

Nine to ten

Don't want to stay up late

Hello

Hello, and welcome to the 10th anniversary edition of Arrow My Shorts.

Woo-hoo!

Insert cheering here.

Yay!

How about that?

Is that good enough?

That's perfect.

Just double it up or something.

Yeah, that'll represent the two listeners.

Yay!

Bravo!

Um...

What else do people say for Bravo?

Uh...

Encore!

Um...

I'm throwing my panties on the stage.

I don't know what that sounds like.

Rhubarb, rhubarb.

No, that's...

They're not...

They're definitely not cheering if they're saying rhubarb, rhubarb.

What's the take it...

Take it...

Benny?

Blah, blah, demon, blah.

Take it, Benny, or something.

Yes, yes.

Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.

Anyway, um...

Uh...

Foley.

The end.

Okay.

It was nice talking to you.

Touch back next year.

That's true.

We could always just do anniversary episodes, that they're always special occasions.

Yeah, I don't think iTunes will keep us alive if we only release one a year.

Hmm.

I don't know how that works exactly.

But...

Yeah, no.

So...

Yes!

What's going on?

I'm in construction hell.

I don't know if I already told you all of this, but I'll make it super short just in case it's a repeat.

Um, Miami has an ongoing sinking, tidal, flooding situation.

None of it's new.

But over the course of the last seven months...

I'd say, they've begun the long, arduous process of raising the streets in certain neighborhoods.

I mean, it's going to take forever.

It's an ongoing project, but I am right in the dead center of where they decided to test it.

So, yeah, I am basically camping.

I frequently don't have water.

My power goes out.

Oh, and this morning, I received a rescission of precautionary boiling water notice telling me I no longer have to boil my water for health and safety reasons.

But I never received the notice telling me I should be boiling my water.

So, you may, in fact, have dysentery or something.

I probably have a parasite or something, but that's fine.

It's just funny that I received the, you don't have to do this anymore.

But I didn't receive the...

So, you should be boiling your water.

That's great.

So, yeah, it freaked me out a little bit.

And it has, there's nothing on it that says how long ago the apparent notice of when I was supposed to be boiling my water happened.

So, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know what's going to happen to me exactly, but we'll see.

So, isn't though, isn't Florida gaining land?

Like, wasn't it coastline?

I'm the wrong person to ask.

All I know, I mean, I know very little.

I only know how it impacts me personally.

That's how egocentric I am.

I just know it's a pain in the ass.

It's nonstop construction, noise, outages, brutal.

But when the times of year that...

Yeah.

High tide, everything smells really bad.

And, yeah, I've been, I've had firsthand experience with the flooding issues.

That's what they're trying to fix.

That's all I know.

But it's kind of creepy because there are certain bars and restaurants with sidewalk cafes that are, you know, on the normal street level.

Yeah.

Where they've started raising the street.

So, you're sitting there and you're looking and you're going, so when they're done, we'll be sitting here eating and the tires of the passing cars will be at eye level.

It just, it doesn't make any sense to me yet.

And I'd love to talk to someone who understands what's happening because right now it seems really weird.

Yeah.

That is kind of...

Kind of weird.

So, every, like, all the sidewalks are all going to be three feet below the roads.

Right.

And all the buildings, too.

Yeah, it's, it's bizarre.

I guess they can't jack up the whole city, I guess.

Right.

So, they're focused on the roads so they can create drains.

And I'm probably even wrong on that.

It's just, I'm basing it on what I see, what I've heard.

And, yeah.

You know, I only half listen.

So, it's, things are happening.

And that's all.

I don't understand it.

It's not making my life better.

So, until I know there's a positive outcome of this, right now I'm just in, in hell.

They're redoing the roof on our building and they set it on fire.

Mmm.

The roof is on fire.

Yeah.

I wasn't, I wasn't around at the time, but Mrs. Buttons was.

The thing is, my, I had my phone off for, for like half an hour or something like that.

Mm-hmm.

And when I turned it on, I got, got these messages saying, building on fire, had to

take cat outside building now.

And, it was immediately followed by a picture from Mumble.

B of, is this your building?

What's this plume of smoke coming, coming off of it.

And me just saying, apparently, because I didn't know what was going on.

So he can see your building from.

Well, from wherever he was.

Wow.

That's hilarious.

I was gonna say from my house, but that doesn't make sense anymore.

So how did they set it on fire?

And.

Well, they're redoing it, which means that they pull up all the old stuff

and then they lay down new stuff.

But it's all tar, and there's usually some kind of open flame somewhere, I think.

And it's such a lovely smell.

That scent is too polite.

That reek has been basically the perfume of my apartment for seven months.

It's all I smell all day long.

It's pretty strong.

It's not so bad.

I mean, you can still smell it down here.

We're on the 22nd floor of 24 floors, and a friend of ours does live on the 24th floor.

And so he was a little concerned that he was going to have...

He was going to have water damage thanks to the fire.

It turns out he didn't.

But, you know, I don't think it's constant noise for him, but when it happens, it's pretty loud.

And, of course, this whole place smells like pitch.

Yeah.

Pitch!

I haven't heard that in a while.

My grandpa called it pitch.

Well, I think it is pitch.

I don't think he used tar.

I think it's a tar.

Oh, I didn't know there was a difference.

I just thought it was an old-timey word for tar.

It may be, but I think that maybe it's the type of tar or something.

Of course, I'm just making that up, so I don't know.

Sure.

I mean, we're so knowledgeable on all topics at the moment and always.

You know the old shop, my dad's old shop, the one you went to the soft cop in?

Yes.

That roof has been a nonstop, century-long battle.

Yeah.

And I mean, my dad's still up there and shouldn't be pitching and patching it himself.

But I always remember my grandfather, who owned the building originally, constantly

saying he had to go up and pitch the roof.

And I just assume pitch is tar, but sort of with gravel in it?

I'm, yeah, I don't know.

Or it's just an old-timey word for tar.

Yeah.

The smell's the same.

That's all that matters.

It smells the same.

Well, here, according to a definition, is pitch can be a natural or manufactured derivative

of petroleum, coal, tar, or plants.

Various forms of pitch may also be called tar, bitumen, or asphalt.

Sure.

So, yeah, pitch is like a homemade concoction to serve as tar.

Technically, it's a...

It's a viscoelastic solid polymer.

Ooh.

So, there you go.

Say it again.

Viscoelastic solid polymer.

We need to talk to Professor Polymer about that.

That's going to be my ringtone.

You make a new ringtone every time we record, so you don't change it very often.

Sorry, I'm going to get a drink.

I didn't have one going yet.

Okay.

I hear yours, and it's making me thirsty.

Your ice cubes are making me thirsty.

And I did not have to boil the water.

I don't know why the I Dream of Jeannie theme pops into your head as your Muzak filler.

I don't know.

I know it's not the first time you've done it.

Anyway, so, yes, it is the 10th anniversary, birthday, or whatever you want to call it, of Air At My Shorts.

I think we should say birthday because anniversary kind of implies consistency.

Yeah, I guess.

You know?

Like, it's our birthday, so it happens whether we're doing it or not.

Right?

Well, I guess...

That's true.

No, I phrased it...

The anniversary...

The 10th anniversary of the first episode of Air At My Shorts, which is accurate.

Yes.

But to say we're celebrating 10 years of Air At My Shorts is pushing it.

It is.

Because we've had big gaps, and yeah, and we've talked that to death, and we don't need to say it again.

I won't even say we've done our best.

We've done stuff.

We have.

Spanning.

Spanning 10 years.

And it's exciting.

I think it's a little exciting.

There aren't many still around, still kicking.

No.

From year one.

You know, the good news is that we do have an average of 17 episodes a year.

We do?

Which is astonishing.

Of course, that's...

That's more than one a month.

That's based on...

That's based on the total of episodes, though, where we're doing it almost every week, which means that, you know, it's still not a great number.

But yes, it means more than one a month.

If you're listening to them once a month, though.

And you start now.

If you ignore the dates.

How many hours?

I don't know.

I should have done that.

I meant to do that.

But if you just make a playlist in iTunes, it'll tell you the number of hours.

I should have done that.

Oh, well.

Well, it's going to be around 172 hours.

Some episodes are over an hour.

A lot are under.

But many of them are close, too.

It's something.

That's all I'm going to say about it more.

You seen any good movies?

You watching any good TV?

You got any...

Entertainment news for me?

We watched the first season.

Who knows if there will be a second season of Camp X or no.

Shit, what is it called?

It's not called Camp X.

Whatever it is, I've never heard of it.

Is it a reality show?

It sounds like a reality show.

No, it is...

The first episode's kind of cheesy, but the rest of them are all right.

There's...

In the Second World War, there was a place called Camp X in Oshawa,

where it trained spies.

Canadian Oshawa?

Yes, in Canadian Oshawa.

That's where Ian Fleming worked.

And...

Or he was one of the instructors at one point, I think.

And...

I had no idea.

So...

Yes, I know.

So...

So Ian Fleming, as in the James Bond basis,

Ian Fleming...

Ian Fleming.

Yes.

Am I right?

Okay.

Just so I'm not having one of those brain train moments.

Had some ties to Canada?

Yes.

Fuck!

That's big!

They're...

They're big, yeah.

They're big training of American and British and Canadian spies was in Camp X.

Wow!

And that's where...

That's, I think, where the...

That's where the idea of James Bond was born.

Shut up!

So we invented James Bond and basketball?

Yeah, pretty much.

Is it Asha or is it Whitby?

I think it was Whitby.

Our country rules.

So, uh...

So, yeah, anyway, there's a...

There's a...

A Canadian show who's, uh...

Now, of course, I can't remember the name of it.

Because it's not X-Men.

But...

I'm trying to figure out what it is.

X-Company.

That's what it is.

And it's about a team of international spies working in France and Germany.

And it's all right.

It doesn't sound like a rave review.

It's all right.

No, it's a fun show.

It's not, you know...

They say the first episode was a...

I was disappointed with.

But it's...

Every episode has gotten better.

As it's gone along.

As it's sort of hit its stride.

And it's only eight episodes.

So I'm looking forward to...

It's been left on kind of a cliffhanger, so...

But, you know, the thing is, is that, uh...

Canada makes good shows and then they cancel them after a season.

So you never know.

True.

It also has that guy from...

From that band and Durham County in it.

Um...

Hugh Dillon.

The guy with the pointy ears.

Yeah, and the bald head.

Also from that cop show.

Um...

Flashpoint.

I've never watched that.

I never did either, apparently.

I know...

I know people who absolutely love it.

But, yeah, I was...

I...

Well, I watched the shit out of Durham County.

But I forgot most of it because you and I watched 90% of it shit-faced.

Yeah.

And...

I lost track of what...

What I'd seen and what I hadn't and never went back to finish it.

Yeah, I'd have to start that from the beginning because I have no clue.

Me too.

But what I saw of it, I remember I loved it.

Mm-hmm.

Um...

Except the shitty video quality, but...

Actually, I think that kind of added to it in a way.

If only they'd had DSLRs when they were shooting it.

Then it would have looked a lot better.

It's...

There was something I watched recently.

And I wish I could remember what it was that they made a joke about.

It looks, you know, bad like Canadian television where you can't figure out what's wrong with it.

And they phrased it exactly the way I feel about it.

It's like you can't...

You can't put your finger on what is the issue.

That...

It's strange.

I wouldn't say that about Durham County.

I'd say that about a lot of other...

No, no.

No, I meant...

I meant the...

The line in the show I was watching is it...

They weren't talking about any...

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

It was...

They were watching something and said,

It looks bad like Canadian television.

Like, you can't figure out what's quite wrong with it.

That's funny.

And I loved the way they...

Oh, I know what it was.

It's that...

It's that goofy spoof show.

The Two Girls.

Something in Garfunkel.

Um...

Garfunkel and Oates.

Uh...

Did I see an episode of that?

That sounds kind of familiar.

The birthday message I pasted...

Uh, posted on, uh...

Uh, John from TTN's birthday wall was from that.

That may be your connection.

Mm...

No.

Okay.

They were the ones who said...

I don't know.

I think they were watching some sort of porn clip or something.

And they said,

It looks bad like Canadian television.

But you can't quite figure out...

But you don't know what's wrong.

Yeah.

And I just love the way they said it.

Because I've never been able to figure out what the issue is.

But it's similar to the way soap operas look.

Well, yeah.

And that's the problem.

Soap operas are shot on video.

And there's, um...

There's this huge depth of field.

So it doesn't...

There's nothing cinematic about it.

Because normally when you're shooting something,

um...

Depending on what the shot is, of course,

uh...

You know, Citizen Kane actually has more of a video quality to it.

Even though it's on film.

Because he has a huge depth of field.

But you want to be able to generally

pull the eye of the audience to places

by putting things in and out of focus.

Sure.

And on those video cameras,

that doesn't happen.

Everything is in focus.

Right.

All the time.

Right.

So it feels very flat.

And like...

Too...

Too real.

And they're probably also going at 30 frames a second, too.

Which also is that video quality that...

Where it's 24 frames a second

is kind of shit quality.

And that's why it looks good.

You know, when...

See...

When it's 30 frames,

it's a little too closer to our eye.

See, the thing is,

whatever kind of TV I got for this place

is...

Has the same effect.

So things that I know that I've seen on other televisions

look like Canadian TV to me

on this TV.

That's the settings on the TV.

You can go in and tell it not to do that.

It's...

There's particular settings

that some are for sports and whatnot.

But they actually do stretch pixels

and do weird, funky things to it.

And you can just go in.

And that's a setting that you can just...

Turn off and it'll never do it again.

Okay.

I don't know.

I've had to do this at, like,

three or four different people's places.

It's like,

why does everything look shit

on my $5,000 huge TV?

It's because...

Read the fucking manual.

I don't know where the manual is

and it certainly wasn't $5,000.

But...

Yeah.

Yeah, it's an LC something

and everything looks Canadian.

And that's the only way I've been able to...

to describe it to people.

And I...

Oh, and it looks like video and everything.

There's a lot of good-looking Canadian TV shows.

Oh, no, no.

I'm not bashing Canada at all.

I just...

I like the fact that my brain has suddenly...

Not suddenly.

Always...

I've just never phrased it out loud.

It looks Canadian.

There's a great quote from...

There was a show in...

I don't know when it was.

Mid...

Early 2000s?

Something like that.

It was called...

It was called Made in Canada

and it had Rick Mercer on it.

Yes!

And it was like sort of a behind-the-scenes kind of show

of what was supposed to be

obviously sort of the CBC

and sort of Alliance Atlantis, I think.

Right.

And at one point,

one of the producers, Leah Pinson,

is watching...

is looking at...

some kind of avant-garde guy who is...

I can't remember what you call it.

It's missing scene or something like that.

Anyway, there's no...

There's no lighting in it or anything.

It's all natural stuff.

And...

And the head of the network's like,

so what are you watching?

It's like, oh, well, it's this thing like there's...

You know, it's all natural, non-actors,

no lighting.

And he says,

well, we don't have lighting.

And she says,

no, we have bad lighting.

This is no lighting.

Yeah.

Anyway.

I don't mean it in a derogatory fashion.

I actually find it works really well for certain shows.

And Durham County was one of them.

Because it felt too real.

To me, that's my lane.

It's the same-ass summation of what the vibe is.

It looks too real.

So for things...

So for shows that are dark and murder-y,

it actually adds to the vibe.

Because it's too real.

It's almost unsettling on a whole other level.

Whereas, you know,

for something that's supposed to be comedy or light,

it just feels wrong and soapy and cheesy.

It definitely has its time and place.

I'm just dubbing it the Canadian look.

It's a film style.

Well, I've also been watching Shameless,

the UK Shameless,

which I'm on season seven of now.

Which is all right.

It's too soapy.

But the characters are still good.

That's one of the shows that I really wish

I hadn't watched the US adaptation.

First, because I think I would have...

You know how I feel about US adaptations

of British television.

I get very upset about the fact that they exist.

But that is one that I know I would have enjoyed

the original Shameless a million times more.

I don't know.

I know people who've watched the British one first

and then watched the American one

and said American one's better.

Okay.

All I know is it's the rare exception.

Well, I don't know.

There's one where I actually can't watch the original

because I'm already invested in the US one.

But that almost never happens.

I mean, it was the exact opposite with me

for Broadchurch and whatever the US one is called.

I was so angry when I started watching

the first episode of the US adaptation.

It was shot for shot.

Shot for shot.

Broadchurch?

The UK.

The UK one is Broadchurch.

The US one is...

I want to say White Castle,

but I know it's not White Castle.

It's just a different place name.

Right.

But the first 15 minutes were shot for shot.

Identical.

And I'm like, why?

Who spent money on this?

There are millions of people trying to get

their scripts to air

and make their shows happen.

Why are we making two versions

of the same fucking show?

Grace Point?

Yes.

It didn't make any fucking sense.

Why am I calling it White Castle?

Anyway, that makes me so angry.

There are so many, so many instances of that.

You would never shut me up on the topic.

It's not a different language.

If it's a different language, I understand it.

I get the reason that there is a

a Wallander Norwegian

and there's a UK version of Wallander.

And I watched the one with fewer subtitles,

which is the UK version.

But it's a comedy of errors

when the US is adapting a show for no reason.

I think we had this whole conversation already.

Well, yeah.

There are rare exceptions for me,

like House of Cards.

House of Cards makes sense

because it's a different political structure.

Right?

So something like that makes sense.

The adaptation made sense.

Never seen it.

But to replicate the exact same show

with the same whole plot

and murder and everything

and even,

in the case of Broadchurch and Whitecastle,

the same lead actor

playing the exact same role.

Who?

What's his face?

Is it David Tennant in Grace Point?

David Tennant plays an American in Grace Point.

Oh, that sounds like it'd be hard to watch for me.

He retains his Scottish accent

in the UK original

Broadchurch.

It's just fucked up.

It's fucked up.

That is weird.

It makes me sad for all the people

who are going,

okay, but that show's already been made.

Here's something that hasn't been.

You know, especially now when we have,

you know, we have access to the originals.

Why do we want adaptations?

Yeah, it's not like 30 years ago.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it was kind of fine

when it was Three's Company

and we didn't even know

that it was stolen, you know?

But,

or, and,

too close for comfort.

I mean,

so many

American sitcoms

were pilfered from British sitcoms.

But we didn't know any better.

We couldn't,

we didn't have access to,

anyway.

Yes, I'm convinced

we had this whole conversation

more than once.

It makes me angry.

I have to pee

and then we should read a story.

Okie dokie.

Okay.

I'm hungry.

I don't hear the I Dream of Jeannie theme song.

And now I've decided against it.

All right.

What's in the mailbag?

Who's our lucky author

who gets to be the 10th anniversary special special?

Okay.

Well,

I have something here.

It says,

I've listened to your podcast

with great amusement for years.

I don't believe that.

I'd even been afraid

after your long hiatus,

you'd gone dark.

But the past three episodes were great.

In commemoration,

I finally got off my ass

and wrote you a story.

Here it is.

And yes,

I was drunk

and used the plot plunger.

Perfect.

Plot plunger.

I hope it meets your high standards, Eric.

That remains to be seen.

See if it meets our high standards.

And the story is called

Jonah and Jenny

by Eric Lehman.

Is that how you say it?

It's how I...

Lemon?

I don't know.

It's how I would say it.

L-E-H-M-A-N-N.

I-P-P-I.

There's no I-P-P-I in it.

Jonah stumbled through the dark and stormy night,

muttering obscenities at random pedestrians

and mental phantoms.

He bore in his ink-stained paws an octopus.

Not any octopus,

but the special mountain-bred octopus

from far-flung Tibet.

They were bred in special caves,

where ritually drunk Tibetan llamas

screwed albino llamas

imported from South Africa

and fed the mutant offspring to...

In America.

South America.

What did I say?

Africa.

Oh, goodness.

What's going on with my...

Different place.

Is there construction going on

outside your window right now?

No.

Why?

Do you hear it?

Or your fridge on or something?

I hear...

No.

I unplugged my...

The only thing...

It could be is my laptop fan,

which I can't control.

Oh, that's possible.

It's not terrible.

They were bred in special caves,

where ritually drunk Tibetan llamas

screwed albino llamas

imported from South America

and fed the mutant offspring to octopi

left over from Captain Redbeard's

pirate feast restaurant chain, LLC.

10% discount for seniors.

and veterans on Mondays.

That was a mouthful.

That was a long sentence.

And that 10% discount for seniors

and veterans on Mondays.

It's because of the product placement.

The product placement really, you know,

took over.

The 10% discount for seniors and veterans

on Mondays reminds me of 499...

All you can eat 499 shrimp

in Cards Against Humanity.

We've been doing a lot of that.

We've been doing a lot of that lately

because having Games Night

and a person, a friend

that lives in the building

is cheaper than going out.

I know.

I do a lot of Game Nights,

but that is the game

that Sean Morley recommended to me

and I don't have it yet.

What, Cards Against Humanity?

Yeah, I've never played it.

That's good.

I think we need an expansion

because we've used a lot of the same answers

all the time, but it's a fun game.

And it's highly offensive.

Yes.

Yeah, he tried to play it with me

on the air on TTN

and it was not playable that way,

but I was intrigued by what I heard.

When was that?

Their last episode,

which was also their Christmas episode,

which was also their 300th episode.

Why does that not sound familiar at all?

I don't know.

Scott was dicking around with his computer

trying to come up with a shit or shine.

Nola on the fly, which didn't happen.

And while we were doing that,

John was trying to tell me

what Cards of Humanity was

and we played one card.

Yeah, Cards Against Humanity.

Or whatever.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Well, we also play Settlers of Catan quite a lot,

which I hated the first couple of games,

but then I liked it.

I liked it the last time I played

because I won both games.

So that was good.

I play a lot of Rummikub and a lot of Origins,

a lot of Scattergories and a lot of Balderdash.

What's Origins?

Origins is the game that you loved.

Remember, I gave it to...

We don't have a show name for him.

Aaron Holm will bleep that

for a Secret Santa gift exchange at the office.

You could have just said Aaron.

Well...

That sounds like a good idea.

That sounds like I kind of remember that.

But did we actually play it?

He never took it home,

so it was just behind the bar,

so we'd just pull out questions and ask each other.

It's awesome.

I remember that,

but I don't remember the game itself.

I have a copy of it here.

I'll ask you one in a minute after we're done the story.

Okay.

Jonah was lost.

Not just lost in town.

That's where I got my fun fact about Mark Twain,

on our last episode.

I see.

I should pull out the movie trivia game

we sometimes end a night with,

which is a terrible movie trivia game.

We don't bother actually playing the game.

We just read some of the answers off it.

Some of them, it's weird,

because 90% of them are, like,

ridiculously simple,

and then 10% of them are like,

what the fuck?

Painfully hard, yeah.

I had a rock and roll trivia game

that I absolutely adored.

Games like...

Games like that and Origins

are all games that I don't play with the board ever.

It's like, that's a throwaway.

You just keep the cards and pull them out.

But the rock and roll trivia,

I wish I knew where it was,

because it was great,

and it was hard,

and...

I mean, the questions are super out of date now,

but it's all classic rock.

Probably not for us.

Right, not for us.

It's all classic rock, so...

I loved it.

No one would play with me, though.

Jonah was lost.

Not just lost in town.

The word was lost, too.

If you ever knew what town, but in life.

He'd failed at school, at work, at relationships,

even addiction.

He'd turned to worshipping Satan for salvation.

Uh-oh.

He'd learned from the internet,

or possibly from a passing hobo,

sacrificing the bleeding heart of a Tibetan octopus

would win Satan's everlasting...

...approval and riches beyond imagination.

Shit on a stick.

What...

What was a plot plunge?

This is heavy.

He'd stolen it from a fish market,

reeking of his ex-wife.

Warp, wow.

That's offensive.

It had eight-ish arms,

so it must be an octopus and Tibetan.

This he was certain,

despite the raging overdose of cheap,

muscatel.

He made the fishmonger count the arms

before ripping it from the bemused man's grasp

and fleeing into the night.

He clutched his prize to his chest,

looking back and forth

before shoving it down the front of his

light-teal-colored pants

and darting left into a mean street.

Amateurs might go for a virgin girl,

but wherever he was,

he was sure Tibetan octopi

were more plentiful,

if only just.

Shit.

Someone just tried to call us.

I missed it.

The call was from England, I think,

so now I feel even more guilty.

Well, they might call back in a second.

They could try back.

We could get lucky.

They could.

It's a plus four four.

I think that's England.

All my British friends have plus four four

at the beginning of their numbers.

Yup.

Okay.

In the meantime.

Yeah, I got a little lost in the story.

I know something about Satan and octopi.

Hello?

Oh, is that blow out my pants?

Burn out my pants?

Bomb out my pants?

How's things?

It's Paulie B from Punky Radio.

No way.

Shut up.

I must say,

You were the last person I expected to call because I figured you'd be falling off your ass already.

No, I don't fall off my ass anymore.

I'm a reformed character, and I've stopped drinking.

Shut up.

Yeah, of course I have.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I can't believe this is happening.

It's really happening.

I'm pinching myself.

Well, I left a message for you that was fairly damning, to be honest.

So, 10th anniversary.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You guys must be in and around that number, too.

Yeah, ours is in.

Don't say number two.

Ours is in July, I think.

But, obviously, we have recorded a show every Tuesday for 10 years.

Yes.

Ours is a really legitimate one.

This is probably the equivalent of your third year.

Exactly.

Yes.

We admit that.

It's good to hear from you.

It's very nice to hear from you, too.

And thank you very much, Buttons, for sorting out this call,

because, obviously, Brenda didn't know about it.

Yeah, it's a bit of a surprise.

Have you had lots of callers, or not, or good, or bad?

Obviously, I don't know what's happening.

We don't know what's happening, either, but that's not news.

Right.

What's the story about?

So far, it's about satanic Tibetan octopus, octopi.

Oh, right.

One of those run-of-the-mill stories you hear.

Yeah, every day, then.

Mm-hmm.

It's something about sacrificing the heart of an octopus.

In fairness, we're only on the second paragraph, so we don't really know what it's about yet, either.

Oh, right.

So it's a voyage of discovery for both of you.

Yes.

It always is.

We never read them ahead of time.

Have you got drinks on?

Of course.

What are you drinking tonight?

I am drinking a yingling lager.

It's a bit tame.

It's a little tame, yes.

Yeah.

But it is only 5 p.m.

That's true, yeah.

I forget that I'm obviously from the future.

I'm still on my day pops.

Oh, are you?

Yeah, because I just walked in on my hover bike after walking my robot dog, and yeah, everything's a little bit weird.

I'm not actually talking to you on the phone.

I'm actually talking to you with my cyber thoughts.

But yeah, the U.K. is a pretty incredible place in the future right now.

We're still defended by hedge, because obviously we're the best people at making hedges in the world.

So you can't get through a British privet hedge.

So what we've done is we've actually got rid of the armed forces, and we've just employed a load of robot gardeners to put hedges all the way around the coast.

And hogweeds.

Yeah, it stops anyone getting anywhere near us.

And if they do, we just bombard them with our...

Well, I'm glad to hear that all these developments...

Have happened in six short hours.

They're only five hours away from us.

Yeah, it's all something for you guys to look forward to when you catch us up.

Yeah, we've achieved quite a lot in that time.

Yes, I guess so.

So what's new in your life?

Buttons you're banging around a lot.

Hey, what's your language?

Right?

Guess what?

I haven't got a girlfriend.

Shut up.

What's her name?

She's called Amanda.

And do you like her?

And I met her at university and pursued her throughout my time at university.

And then in 1992, we seized contact.

And then we got back in touch with each other about three months ago.

So how about that?

That's amazing.

I was waiting for something like Amanda hugging.

Kiss or something like that.

Yeah, you're always trying to do the cheap joke.

Well, I'm a different guy these days, Buttons.

You've got to deal with that.

It's a hard adjustment.

I want to call her Amanda hugging.

Well, you can do that.

And I will tell her that.

In fact, she's right here.

Say hello.

Hello.

She exists.

She's real.

It's a real shame, though, because, you know, I first met her in October 1989.

And I was like, oh, my God.

I'm not going to do that.

I just thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

And I pursued her all the time.

I couldn't get anywhere near her.

And then I spent 23 years not seeing her.

And then we met up again.

And, well, she let herself go.

Oh.

You stole my joke.

I was just going to be real mean and say, oh, it's a real shame because she's let herself go.

Yeah, but that's because I thought of it in the future.

You see, you'll be able to say that line in about six hours.

Right.

I thought you were going to say, actually, that it was another advancement of technology.

And now blow-up dolls were able to talk in the future.

Yeah.

Actually, I can't lie there.

She's actually called Robot Amanda.

And I've had her fashioned for me.

Like a local science type.

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad to know.

Yeah.

I just asked them to make the breasts a little bit bigger this time around.

I hope you requested that for me as well.

Well, no, she actually requested something for me as well.

And I'm still waiting for the development.

Because since I last saw you, I've had to have it shortened twice.

I'm glad because, you know, that thing really got in the way.

It really was getting in the way of everything.

Yeah.

I mean, it comes with something, but you have to start the car with it.

But anyway, Brenda, you don't need any alterations to your lovely body.

You're just the right size for you.

And you are gorgeous.

I would like to say the same thing about buttons, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Really, no one's happy with me.

Oh, come on.

When are you going to come over to visit again?

Never.

Yeah, that's all right.

We're working on the basis that I've been to see you, but you've never been to see me.

I think it's your turn, technically.

Well, you know, it has been discussed with Mrs. Buttons and I of going over possibly this year.

For her birthday.

But I don't know if that will happen.

Well, you did say before you were coming over and I said, you're welcome to stay.

And did you?

No.

Well.

It's like, so this time around, I'll have the spare room for you.

And it's an amazing spare room.

It's not actually a room because of the technical advances in the UK.

It's actually an idea.

Yeah, it's an idea of a room.

Yeah.

What happens is when you walk into my flat, Mike.

Apartment, as you people call them.

I simply say, this is where your room should be.

What do you want it to be?

Think hard about it.

We all put silver foil on our heads and roll around in space jelly.

Oh, I can't wait.

Yeah.

Oh, you're not invited.

What?

Wait.

Why can't I roll around in space jelly?

I've only got one idea of a spare room.

Oh.

Yeah, but if Buttons and I...

What do you mean keep up?

We're six hours behind.

We can't keep up.

It's not possible.

That's true, of course.

But if Buttons and I are on...

Hey.

Yeah.

What's it like having the United States under you right now?

Is that all right?

It's odd.

They haven't quite accepted me as the self-appointed Queen of Canada.

No.

And they don't acknowledge my authority.

They keep killing each other as well, don't they?

It's really childish.

Yeah.

They just ignore my decrees.

They don't acknowledge my authority.

It's really sad.

They don't respect your authority, do they?

No.

Exactly.

Right.

Anyway, shall I let you get on with it?

Shall I what?

I'm so glad you called.

It's a pleasure.

I'm all a Twitter.

Oh, good Lord.

Do you want to give us a twat?

Do you mean a twat?

Yes.

And no, that's Tony's department.

Oh, damn it.

Well, maybe he'll call in too.

Who knows?

I doubt that.

I doubt it too.

If he's tight to...

If he's phone hit, if he, as you people say, call collect, then it might happen.

But there's no way he'll ring you unless he Skypes you or something magical.

Well, you know, I didn't expect you at all.

I thought he might.

So...

Who knows what will happen?

That's just, you know, because...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Button's a pessimist.

I don't think...

Right, listen.

I don't think he will call because he's about to...

He'll be packing tonight to go on his vacation, which is ridiculous because he's going to

Italy.

And what you do when you go to Italy from UK is you fly, even though we can just think

our way there.

It's still conventional to actually fly.

But Tony is still scared of flying, so he's driving.

So there you go.

So they're doing, they're doing a seven-day vacation that's going to take them six, uh,

13, because it's three days.

Wow.

Okay, why don't you just fly there?

Don't like flying.

And, uh, it sounds like a brilliant trip, though.

It does sound great.

Yeah, that'd be all right.

It'd be pretty nice, I'm sure.

Yeah.

It's an arctic thing.

Italy's my favorite place on Earth.

Italy's your favorite place on Earth?

Yes.

That would suggest you've been.

Oh, I have been.

Many years ago.

It's not my favorite place on Earth.

I'll be honest with you.

What is your favorite place?

Although, although you're saying that because we can't give away your exact locations, but

you're not far from little Italy in the town you're in, are you?

I used to live very close to little Italy in the town I used to be in.

Yeah, because it was the World, it was the World Cup when, um…

Yes, yes.

Oh, it was the World Cup.

Oh, yes, I keep forgetting you stayed in my house.

Yeah, that worked out well for everyone.

The night that there was no sleeping and much...

Yeah, the night, well, the night that there was no sleeping,

and if I remember rightly,

my ex-wife did something that 30,000 CGI orcs couldn't do.

She destroyed a bit of the Lord of the Rings.

That is true.

Anyway, look, I've got a live to lead here in a few minutes.

All right, well, thank you very much for calling in.

Hey, it's an absolute pleasure.

Congratulations on your 10th anniversary.

I look forward to you making three or four more podcasts

and celebrating your 20th.

Thank you.

Cheers, guys.

All right, bye-bye.

Bye.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

Polly B from Punky Radio,

formerly of the podcast,

Pod Riot Network.

None of it's formerly.

We're all still part of the Pod Riot Network.

It doesn't matter that the network doesn't exist.

That'd be funny.

It falls into the same category of

this is the 10th anniversary of Air Out My Shorts.

It doesn't matter that we haven't been consistent.

It's still the 10th anniversary

of the first episode of Air Out My Shorts.

To me, the Pod Riot still exists.

It's a...

In my...

In my head, it does, too.

That was a lovely surprise.

And my beer's empty.

And we actually...

I could do...

I completely...

It completely slipped my mind

that 5 p.m. is the ideal time

for us to get in touch with our British listeners

because it's 10 p.m.

They're, you know, they're into their cups.

It's an hour before the pubs close.

It's...

You know, it's a horrible time

for us to reach North Americans, but...

That is true.

I'm glad you posted the number.

That was lovely.

We're going to have to start back

at the top of the second paragraph

because I've completely lost our place.

Oh, does it really matter?

He bought a...

If you were editing it,

you would insist on it.

I'm going to get a beer,

but keep reading.

Jonah was lost.

Not just lost in town.

If he even knew what town.

But in life.

He'd failed at school,

at work,

at relationships,

even addiction.

He'd turned to worshipping Satan for salvation.

He learned from the internet,

or possibly from a passing hobo,

sacrificing the bleeding heart

of a Tibetan octopus

would win Satan's everlasting approval

and riches,

beyond imagination.

He'd stolen it from a fish market,

reeking of his ex-wife.

Wah-wah.

You did that already.

It had eight-ish arms,

so it must be an octopus and Tibetan.

This he was certain.

If I were to rewrite that sentence,

it would say,

of this he was certain.

Despite the raging overdose

of cheap muscatel...

Muscatel?

He made the fishmonger count the arms

before ripping it from the bemused man's grasp

and fleeing into the night.

He clutched his prize to his chest,

looking back and forth,

shoving it down the front

of his light teal-colored pants

and darting left

onto a main street.

I wonder if it's significant

that his pants are light teal.

Hmm.

Amateurs might go for a virgin's

virgin girl,

but wherever he was,

he was sure Tibetan octopi

were more plentiful,

if only just.

That didn't make a drop of sense.

No, it certainly didn't.

But then he saw her,

or them,

thanks to double vision,

bathed in the orange glow

of sodium lamps

and the purple fluorescence

of the sex mart.

She held her hand,

she held her arms

a-beckoning to him

like the Virgin Mary

or Artemis

of

eph...

Oh, fuck, how do you say that?

Good luck with that.

Ephesus.

Ephesus?

Possibly.

And long hair like spun gold.

Her skin was pale,

plastic even,

breasts like paired basketballs,

sapphire eyes,

and her mouth a perfect O.

Ready to receive,

his octopus-covered member.

Goodness.

She wore a tacky,

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

No rereading's gonna help.

She wore a tacky lingerie.

Even he knew unworthy of her.

But this was no mere sex doll.

This was a sexitron 6,000 sex robot,

just like Polly B has.

120 pounds,

six foot...

Amanda Huggington.

Two inches,

$10,000 of cybernetic,

plus batteries included,

5% discount with store card.

Jonah almost swooned.

I don't like how much advertising

Eric is squeezing into our episode

with this product placement bullshit.

Couponing.

Well, you know,

he's gotta extol the virtues of the shop, I guess.

Jonah almost wonder...

Jonah almost swooned before the shop window.

He...

He idled.

There's, there's commas here that don't seem to make sense.

Like, uh, William Shatner.

He idled, gazing on the wonder for her.

Almost an hour.

Hello.

Hello there.

You're on with Pressing Buttons in the Whirl-eared Whore.

The Whirl-eared Whore?

The Whirl-eared Whore.

Why is it...

It's just static.

Is anyone there?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

How goes it?

It goes.

Uh...

With whom are we speaking?

Reverend Shemley.

Shut up!

Oh my God.

We are getting the most amazing calls tonight.

It's ridiculous.

Well, I just had to call.

Ten years?

Are you kidding me?

Yes!

The right rev.

This has never happened.

This is a first.

What are you kids up to?

We're recording our 10th anniversary episode, but, but, but we're just, we're just getting

non-stop calls from beautiful, magical, really important people.

Well, I should probably get off on with those important people.

No, no.

I mean you.

I wouldn't say that we're getting oodles.

We're getting oodles of calls.

We have had a call.

Two!

You being number two.

Yeah, but it's, it's the importance.

It's the caliber of callers that is, that has me so excited.

The right rev.

Shemley.

How are things with you?

Oh, they're fine.

You know, living the dream, as it were.

Living the dream and doing a lot of cosplay, I see.

Or at least attempting to.

That's what the kids are into.

Came up out of the dungeon.

I want to hear what living the dream is for you.

You know, scraping by, trying to pay off my mortgage.

That's the dream?

That's the dream, apparently.

That's what I've been told.

I always liked that there was some commercial where they had a bunch of kids saying various

things.

But one of the lines was when, sort of like, when I grow up, kind of.

Yeah.

Like, when I grow up, kind of stuff.

It's like, I want to claw my way to middle management.

I remember that ad.

It was great.

I don't have a mortgage.

I'm a, I'm a renter.

And they set our roof on fire last week, which is wonderful.

What?

Who set your roof on fire?

Oh, they're, they're changing our roof.

And I started getting these messages saying that, that our roof was on fire.

And someone sent me a picture with smoke billowing on it.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

I know that.

I feel like I just sat off the top of the building.

It's wonderful.

I thought I was going to have to exercise that, that tenant insurance that, that I got.

Although I wouldn't really pay for too much.

Well, at least you had it.

Yeah.

Well, it turns out nothing bad happened.

So that's good.

Well, that's good.

At least, tell me you ran around, ran around singing that song.

Because that's the one appropriate time.

The roof.

The roof is on fire.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's going on with you?

What is going on with you?

I am in preparations for DragonCon in two months.

Okay.

You are sculpting an outfit, as you do.

Yes.

And what is your costume this time?

This time it is the Anti-Monitor,

a little-known villain from Crisis on Infinite Earths back in 1985.

Wow.

I don't know anything you said there.

Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd.

He puts so much work into this shit, it blows my mind.

It is pretty astonishing.

You've got to up your game.

You've got to up your game for DragonCon.

They don't play around out there.

Dude, it blows my mind.

I mean, help me understand the process.

I know you actually are sculpting, correct?

Well, some of it, yes.

I did do some of it.

Most of it is just foam, though.

I'm a keep-bending foam, so if that's considered sculpting, sure.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, but, I mean, all the cuts and the shaping,

it looks like a labor of love to...

It's certainly a labor.

You put more work into that stuff than I've ever put into work of any kind.

Well, I probably put more work into this than I put into my own work.

But it pays for the stuff.

When was your first podcast?

Good Lord.

November 2005, I believe.

When did you...

Spit it out!

I don't know what my word...

I'm not going to say, when did you stop?

Because I know you're...

I'm not going to say, when did you stop?

I know you're still sort of doing stuff.

Barely.

But, yeah, you're doing stuff differently,

and I got confused about where and how you were releasing stuff,

and I know I got confused.

That's not easy to do nowadays.

Huh?

I haven't put anything out in, like, three years, I think,

and then before that point, it had been, like, a year and a half.

Did...

Can I ask you just, like, a weird...

probably invasive, copyright-y question?

Yeah, go for it.

No, I just...

I never understood how you were allowed to air some of the stuff you aired.

It was all on public domain, as far as I knew.

Okay.

So there were never any issues, never any backlash?

Nope.

I never caught any backlash.

That's awesome.

I tried to put a bunch of them up on YouTube,

but there's a lockdown on that.

Right.

But I just stopped.

No, I'm not accusing you of anything.

I just...

I was always curious from the beginning

of how you were doing what you were doing.

No, they were all public domain movies.

Awesome.

Why would YouTube block that?

YouTube blocks all kinds of shit.

Yeah, I mean...

Since...

I've put up something that was obviously public domain,

and I've come back with a copyright infringement for a bell tone,

that was owned by some sound effects company.

Ah, I see.

Yeah.

Since Google took over YouTube, it's become Nazi land.

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Enforcing people's rights over stuff?

Yeah.

It's terrible.

So, when are we going to see a Cult of UHF interview show?

Oh, I'd love that.

That would be great.

Or some kind of film discussion.

I think that's something that should happen.

Yes, like fireside chats.

It's a possibility.

If I ever get the gumption to throw out some more podcasts.

I can't believe you kids are still going.

Well...

Well, yeah.

Still going.

Still going is...

That's a little exaggerated, I think, is the way you put it.

Well, I have been able to listen to new shows on occasion.

You're still going.

Occasion.

Yes.

It's the opposite of the rumors of...

It's like the rumors of our longevity have been grossly exaggerated.

It's good to hear from you.

Well, congratulations on 10 years, guys.

Thank you.

We hope to occasionally put out stuff for the next 10 years.

Yeah.

Well, I'll be listening.

You can guarantee it.

It's so great to hear your voice.

Well, I'm not putting on the silly accent.

Oh, no.

You know what?

It's...

I thought you were.

A flavor of it is there even when you don't put it on, and I don't think you realize that.

Oh, well, yeah.

It's not much of an accent.

It was just me kind of talking like this a little.

I love it.

Your voices are my earliest memories of podcasts.

I love podcasting.

The right rev.

Oh, God.

Buttons and I had some long, drunken ass sitting in front of computer nights watching your shit.

Seriously.

Well, that's a good way to watch it.

Right.

You usually skip through the movie part of it, though.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

It's like, where's...

More Chumley.

Screw this movie.

That's not what everyone else was screaming.

Everybody else was screaming, less Chumley, more movies.

You can't account for taste.

Looks like a storm's rolling in here, kids.

I'm going to have to get off here.

All right.

Well, I...

I have to pee, so...

Yeah, it's time for a refresh of drinks also, too.

But thanks a lot for coming in.

No problem.

Thanks for calling in for our 10th anniversary show.

And your 10th anniversary, sort of.

Yes.

If you...

You should put in something.

It's the 10th anniversary of podcasting in general, as far as I'm concerned.

2005 was the year it began.

Yeah.

Bunch of young'uns out there putting out silly things.

It was fun.

Yeah.

Hey.

All right.

Well, thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

And...

We'll be calling you in the future.

Okay, but I need to...

I need to hear a testify.

All right.

Well, to the 10th anniversary of Air Out My Shorts Testify.

Wonderful.

Thank you very much.

Amen, brother.

All right, Kate.

Bye-bye.

This is delightful.

It's so weird.

I'm pleasantly surprised.

Okay, so...

Yeah, I have to pee.

You need a drink refresh.

Yeah.

I'll be back in a sec.

Okay.

Bye.

My ears are sweating.

Testify.

Oh, my God.

I'm terrified to leave.

Hello?

Hi.

I'm so scared to leave my desk because I have no way of knowing when calls are coming.

Uh-huh.

Oh, well, where were we?

The problem with the Polly B call was my screen went to sleep, so I didn't see it.

I see.

Anyway, he'd stolen it from a fish market reeking of his ex-wife.

It had eight-ish arms, so it must be an octopus and Tibetan.

Of this, he was certain.

No, no, no, no, no.

What did he do?

What?

Isn't that where we were?

No, no, no.

We were on the next...

We were talking about the Sextron's robot.

Oh.

Yes.

Okay, carry on.

Jonah almost swooned before the shop window.

He idled, gazing on the wonder of her for almost an hour.

His demonic mission forgotten.

She returned his gaze with a glint in her eyes and sashayed and twisted.

While the placard at her feet had a name, he knew her true name.

Amanda Huggin' Kid.

Jenny.

He keened it in ecstasy and capered before the window, licking it as she mouthed,

I love yous.

I love yous, guys.

Five.

Finally, after a cop threatened to hit him with a nightstick, and with one last mournful

Jenny, he scuttled down an alley, chugging more booze, lest sobriety take him.

I do that.

Chug down booze.

Me too.

I try to avoid sobriety at all costs.

It won't take me.

It won't take me today.

Hey.

In the dim, abandoned factory, Jonah called home.

He placed his chipped,

Hummel figurine collection around him, and lit the ritual candles.

With shaking hands, he marked the sigils for Anthrax, Rumsfeld, Asmodeus, and Citibank in a circle.

See, Asmodeus and sigils.

I play Dungeons and Dragons.

Yeah.

Citibank was what I was giggling about.

He hastily scratched that of the supreme evil, Satan, in the triangle of the art, helpfully

marked with orange traffic cones as he howled, whimpered, and chanted the sacred jingles.

I wish I was an Oscar Mayer wiener.

Have it your way.

Oh, no.

Have it your way is a different jingle.

Oh.

And wasn't it, I wish I were?

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener.

Have it your way isn't a jingle, is it?

Et cetera.

For summoning the infernal spirit.

But all his dreams of revenge, money, and success were gone.

All he wanted was Jenny.

Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine.

Why didn't he just remember the number?

He doesn't need to do all this chanting and satanic shit.

Just call her, for God's sake.

We all know her number.

Yeah.

He would sell.

An entire generation, at least.

He would sell his soul for her.

If he could win her, all the rest was ash.

He held the blue of her.

He held her eyes in his heart, and he started the ritual.

He chanted the incantation until smoke billowed from between the traffic cones.

His watery eyes beheld the scarlet spirit within the smoke,

who laughed thrice in a baritone and bellowed.

Mwahaha!

Have you summoned me?

Why?

Why have you summoned me?

I like that he has the Australian question voice.

Why have you summoned me?

Jonah replied bodily,

Oh, Spirit Supreme, I summon thee and beg you to grant my immortal soul and this offering.

Wait!

What?

Jonah replied bodily, Oh, Spirit Supreme, I summon thee and beg you to grant my immortal soul and this offering.

Wait!

Jonah replied bodily, Like Riker.

He put his shoulder forward and his hand down.

Oh my God.

You made beer come out of my nose, cause that's what I was picturing when you said you replied

bodily was Riker.

That's wrong that that was in my head.

I summon thee and beg you to take my immortal soul and this offering and grant me my truest wish,

. , . You don't want.

Grant me the sex-a-tron, six thousand, from the sex-mart, named Candace, but whose true name is Jenny.

A man to hug and kiss.

Take these offerings, grant my desire, and depart in peace.

With that, he reached down, his ink-stained trousers grabbed his nuts by mistake, then the octopus yanked it out, opened its heart, what?

How do you grab your nuts by mistake?

Well, if there's an octopus down there.

An octopus?

An octopus.

With that, he reached down, his ink-stained trousers grabbed his nuts by mistake, then the octopus yanked it out, opened its heart with a razor, and threw it at the triangle.

Leathery black hands deftly caught it.

The spirit thundered.

You have been a good boy.

Your gift is granted.

Go, retrieve your desire.

With that, Jonas sprinted from the circle.

Cause we sprint from satanic rituals.

Scattering humble figures, hooting in joy.

What?

Off he ran.

I'm just picturing it.

It's hilarious.

Off he ran, heedless of the spirit's parting words.

And get your dyslexia.

Retreated.

That's either a hat tip to me or something in the plot plunger that I'm not sure of.

Santa inspected the octopus in his...

What?

Santa?

What?

Oh, Satan.

No, it says Santa.

Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know.

Santa inspected the octopus in his gloved hands.

It wasn't...

It wasn't milk and cookies, but it would do.

After washing, Mrs. Claus made a mean calamari.

Bum, bum, bum!

The end.

That's the dyslexia.

Thank you, just in case you needed that explained to you.

I didn't need it explained to me.

I just assumed when dyslexia came in that it was about something above, not below.

Bleeding heart.

Far-flung.

Octopus sex robot swoons over.

Those are out of order.

It should say the plot plunge was bleeding heart octopus swoons over far-flung sex robot

and he was missing one item in the plot plunger fields.

So I don't know what the actual place, time, or location was.

Which is usually the last field.

Uh-huh.

I can only guess it had something to do with Satan.

Based on the story.

Yeah, maybe.

Perhaps he could let us know.

Anyway, that was Jonah and Jenny by Eric Lehman, or Lemon.

It sure was.

Thanks for submitting that story.

As you can at shortsattheatspot.com.

So then.

That was fun and exciting.

I don't think, um, I feel bad about the story being interrupted so much, but they were totally

worthy interruptions.

Indeed they were.

I love the fact that Polly B calls me by a name that is not, not only not my real name,

but not ever my fake name.

Where did that come from?

What is Brenda?

Who is Brenda?

That's what he decided.

He decided to call you when he visited or something.

I don't understand where that came from.

When referring to you rather than calling you the word whore.

I don't know.

It's so weird.

It was weird.

Anyway.

What?

Nothing.

Oh, I thought you were falling over or something.

Oh no, I was lighting a cigarette.

That's all.

I didn't fall over.

Well, I'm going to have to go pick up Miss Buttons.

Okay.

Driving Mrs. Buttons.

Uh, so we should sign off then.

Thank you all for endeavoring to participate in our 10th birthday thingy.

And thank you for listening throughout the long 10 year stuff.

Just in general.

Thank you.

Join us on Facebook.

Review us on iTunes.

Send your stories.

Call our audio comment line 305-600-5832.

It no longer.

Has words.

That's fine.

It's just a number.

Uh, shorts at the it's spot.com.

That's shorts at the it's spot.com.

And there are my shorts.com.

If you want to go to the website and create a story with the plot plunger.

Agreed.

That's it.

I got to go.

Okay.

Ciao.

Bye.

You've been listening to air out my shorts with Preston buttons and the word whore.

Air out your shorts by sending your short stories to shorts at the it's spot.com or visit

us at our website at the it's spot.com.

My shorts.

Hey, 10 years of air out my shorts.

Congratulations.

And thanks for always being there.

For.

You're welcome.

Hello.

This is Eric.

I sent you a story recently and I was hoping you would read it.

And certainly before you retire and preferably the both of you somewhat inebriated, but I

can understand, you know, life happens, things change and you may not get to it and I'm okay

with that.

Uh, there'll be no consequence.

Uh, I'm on parole now.

I no longer hunt down people that displease me.

So yeah, uh, I'll just let it go.

Bye.

So, uh, I love your show and I hope both of you had a great weekend.

Happy 10th anniversary, or am I sure, from Mrs. Button,

who is still stuck on the balcony, uh, at least I ended it upon the colonel smoking a cigarette

so I feel much better about things that have here on a gorgeous day and happy 10th anniversary,

the word whore.

And my special Mr.

Button who won?

Sweet.

Oh, you like me?

And his little Voyager?

His little Voyager.

bye

hello air out my shorts

this is Katie Kastner from the Hey You Know It

podcast I just want to say

congratulations on the 10th

anniversary of your show

I raise a glass of

tasteful white wine to you

actually I'm tilting

a box of tasteful white wine

to you

that's how it goes anyway congratulations

again and here's to you

keep on trucking babies bye bye

well

10 years

holy shit

hey buttons hey whores

this is Doc Zim

calling from Washington State

hey

fantastic run

loving you guys as always

and looking forward

to another

10 years of hearing you

rip our shorts to shreds

talk to you

guys later

Doc Zim out

oh is that air out my pants

it's Paulie B from Punky Radio here

I was hoping that I'd get through to you

talk to you while you're recording but you might

not be now but anyway congratulations

on your 10th anniversary

of podcasting that means

you must have done about 16

podcasts well done

well hello there

I'm calling

from Los Angeles California for

Preston Buttons and the word whore

air out my shorts

just wanted to call and say hello

I don't know why but I got an email

today that was quote

urging me to call

this number so here I am

I'm calling I'm saying hello I'm saying

happy anniversary 10 years can't

believe it I've been listening

for many of those

years probably most

of them and

you know you guys have really

brought many laughs

to this

soul living

on the southern coast of California

and I

just want to thank you for that I guess

that's why I'm being urged to call to say

thank you so hey thank you

I don't know why you're talking about

retirement

you got a good thing going I think

Preston Buttons

you've got a new love in your life

or a significant

love in your life

that's a huge thing to have

whore

you've got talent

out the wazoo

I don't know if that's something they talk about in

Canada wazoos but

your talent comes right out of it

and you should be

psyched about that

so I don't know what all they talk about

retirement is I think you should just junk it and just

keep doing what you're doing

I

would appreciate it

so this is Tom Davies

signing off from Los Angeles

California I submitted

I guess two stories

to you guys one of them

I think

right around Christmas time or Thanksgiving

time

last year

and obviously you haven't gotten to it because

you almost never put up new shows

so

if you ever get around to it

there's a story waiting for you I don't want to hear anymore

about the mailbag

being empty because I know there's at least one

story rattling around in there

and

yeah so

love you guys

hang in there

and I will talk to you later

bye

are you guys really back on the air

please tell me

I miss you so much

where can I find you again

okay bye

hi it's Preston

and uh

this is Dave

and I got your email

said you wanted me to leave you a message

so I thought I would

so hey guys

and uh

I don't have two minutes worth of stuff

I thought maybe I'd try to tell you a joke

but all my favorite jokes are really long

and um

I don't think we have time

for a big long joke

if I'm wrong

I'm really sorry

hope you're having a great day

I love the show

long time listening

first time caller

be well guys

hello Preston Buttons

hello

this is Nobilis Reed

creator and host

of the Nobilis Erotica podcast

wishing you a fabulous

10th anniversary

I hope this is an indication

that there may be some more stories

coming I hope

but in any case

doesn't matter

uh thank you for watching

and for everything

you've given us

over the years

it's all been marvelous

and

I love you guys

bye

this show is a member

of the pod riot network

let the riot begin

on podriot.com