BritPod 130: The 2018 BritPod Christmas Special

Hey dude, mate, Ron, hello, it's James, um, I guess you picked up by accident, er, yeah,

yeah, he sounds busy, oh, oh, hey, mate, oh, hey, dude, er, I'm just checking in that you're good to go with the show tonight, oh, shit, I totally forgot we were recording the BritPod Christmas special tonight, yeah, I, I, I did fire off an email this morning to, er, re-memorize you, mate, so, er, yeah, I, I won't be able to make it, man, I'm really, really sorry, I've just got my hands full at the moment, yeah, er, what, you sound like you're

got your hands full, to be honest, yeah, tell me about it, well, er, I mean, I could call back in, like, 20 minutes or something, oh, no way, mate, I'll be on the go all night, all night, yeah, I decided to put the hours in all in one go, as opposed to spreading it out over a few days, days, what, well, yeah, it's not like I can just finish up in 20 minutes, I'm not Superman, er, I mean, I can usually, I mean, I don't, but when I do, if I did,

like, I'm sure I could, you know, get it done in a few minutes, a few minutes, well, well, not me, I like to take it slow, you know, enjoy it, really put the long game in, take my time, keep up on my fluids, you know, keep both hands firmly, good grasp, you know, for the invariable slick spots I'm gonna have, um, okay, then, dude, well, er, I mean, the fans will be upset, you know, they'll be let down, but, you know, what's another year, you've obviously got your priorities,

well,

it is family, so, oh, god, um, oh, okay, then, mate, well, er, don't overdo it and pull an arm socket out or anything, and watch your eyesight, it's been going for fucking ages, oh, don't worry, dude, I've had Lasik, my eyes are fine, although they are watering a bit right now, all right, bud, I'll, er, I'll let you get back to it, if you do manage to finish before Christmas, be sure to give me a ring and catch up, okay, will do, mate, I should get to Salt Lake City by 3 a.m. tomorrow morning, so I can give you a bell bright and early for you,

tomorrow, oh, fuck, dude, you're driving, yeah, of course I'm driving, I told you last week, I was visiting my family for Christmas, fuck my reindeer, er, I guess there's something wrong with the mobile, mate, I, I thought you were busy doing something else, oh, okay, nope, just driving, all right, then, mate, er, you drive safe, I'll catch you up over the holidays, you too, buddy, Merry Christmas,

fuck me, I thought he was never gonna get off the phone, thank goodness for hands-free, because I'd never be able to have this ferocious wank whilst driving and speaking on the phone,

I think I'm arriving at my destination, Merry Christmas to me,

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

How are you, Peto?

I'm all right.

A little bit hungover.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dear.

I did a two-to-two yesterday.

A two-to-two?

Yeah.

Is that like ass-to-mouth?

Yeah, is that like a human centipede?

I had a porn star martini yesterday for the first time.

That was fucking minging.

Was that when you get five guys jacking off into your face?

I thought it might be creamy, but that wasn't the case.

BrickPod is a show geared at adults.

If you are five and listening to this show during your trans surgery,

then, you know, we're the least of your problems.

We've also got Ashley, the wonderful Ashley.

Hello, Ashley.

How are you?

Hello, hello.

I'm just shining me baubles.

Are you shining your baubles, getting ready for the holiday season?

Yep, hanging them high.

Hanging them high.

And could you please talk a little bit quieter?

There's still some people that can hear you.

Oh.

That was very flamboyant.

We've also got the one and only Alan.

All right, you Scottish bastard.

How's Christmas in Scotland?

It's great.

I can't wait to cut down my tree tomorrow, get all fresh and ready for the 25th.

Yeah, lovely.

And how many kilts have you sold this year from your Alan's Kilt Emporium?

I've not really sold many.

I've not been making many either, so.

Well, it's probably not really the era of the kilt anymore.

You're not in Glasgow, is it, or Scotland?

You're not in Glasgow, are you?

I'm close.

But then again, everything's close in Scotland, so.

Yeah.

Just call it Scotland.

Especially cousins.

And we've got Kenneth.

Hello, Kenny.

You all right?

How's it going?

Not bad.

If you could try and be a little less enthusiastic, that would be great.

And finally, our special guest, we have the one and only Stephen Hawking.

What's up, you cunts?

Oh, not bad, Stephen.

Not bad.

How are you doing?

As I type in the response.

Not as much.

See?

Pretty good.

And throughout the show, I'll be typing things and pretending that Stephen Hawking is right here to listen in.

But it's weird because it's from the grave a little bit, isn't it?

It is deadening.

Did he die this year?

As a doornail.

It's deadening.

What?

It's supposed to be in it.

It doesn't really text-to-speech chat very well.

That's the only thing I can...

Maybe if you typed Inuit.

No, we just tried to look through all the dead celebrities.

No, if you typed Inuit, it would say dead Inuit.

Well...

Stanley, I don't know.

Stanley, yeah, he was, you know...

And Burt Reynolds.

Yes, no one else remembered that, knew that?

I just learned that.

Burt.

No, right, R-I-P, Burt.

Burt.

R-Space.

And the actor that played Tinky Winky, apparently.

Who was it?

Oh, really?

That wasn't on the list.

Did he, uh...

His name was, uh, Simon Shelton.

Tiny Tim died.

Oh, yeah.

That's...

That wasn't on the list.

Well, I don't know.

I just made that up.

Oh, did he?

Oh, he died ages ago.

You dick.

Who, Tiny Tim?

Yeah.

Which Tiny Tim?

The one that was in the world.

What, did he play the banjo?

Well, you actually...

Like, you actually do think that Tiny...

Oh, do you mean with, uh...

Uh, Tiptoe Through the Tulips?

Yeah.

Oh, was he called Tiny Tim?

Yes.

Oh.

Did he die of AIDS?

Probably.

Hmm.

I don't really care about the people that died this year, to be honest.

No one...

I mean, Stanley, it was kind of sad, but...

I mean, he's been on his last legs for a while.

It was bound to happen.

It's like one of those cats that you have that just sort of lingers around.

You like the cat, but you're also thinking, mm...

Yeah.

Any day now would be all right.

Oh, I'm glad Troy had died.

I was like, I don't know, speaking of tiny people.

Yeah, yeah.

But...

He got stuck in a shoehorn or something.

Really?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Maybe it was a mousetrap.

Well, the one good thing with Stanley dying is his bitch of a daughter can't beat him anymore,

so that's always a...

Stanley, not Fred Troyer.

Well, I mean, maybe he's got a bitch of a daughter that beats him, too.

There's quite a lot of it about these days.

Beated.

Beatified.

Beat.

Stephen, you were beaten quite a bit, weren't you?

By your carers, was it?

I think it's carers.

Yeah.

I heard he didn't just beat him.

Did he sexually molest you?

Yeah.

And was it really brutal?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

So, you just respond in the affirmative, don't you?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

It's one of those typical BritPod guests that we get on.

We fly.

I'm over here, which is a bollock, because my house doesn't have wheelchair access.

Well, I would have thought he'd be more like Professor Xavier, wouldn't he, from X-Men,

if it was Stanley.

He won't be cameoing anymore, will he?

Mm-hmm.

Well, they could probably just CGI him, you know, like they did with Princess Leia in

that Star Wars movie.

Well, I suppose.

At least we've still got Spike Lee.

If he doesn't CGI her, women can fly in space.

Yeah.

Oh, I was talking about...

Oh, yeah.

I was talking about...

I was talking about the Rogue One Princess Leia, which was surprisingly less awkward than

the real Princess Leia in Last Jedi.

You know, looking back at the last episode, BritPod, which was a year ago, it was recorded

like the day after I went to go see Last Jedi.

It seemed like it was yesterday.

And listening back on it now, I realize that I was in some sort of state of shock.

Yeah.

You were in a rage.

I regret it.

Oh, well, I was in denial.

I regret my fight for it after re-watching it.

What's happening this year with it, though?

Well, all the Star Wars movies dutifully flopped because they should never have been created.

But...

It's almost like SJWism doesn't work itself.

Well, you know, the NPC protocol was installed into Lucasfilm, and it's done now.

Well, there you go, Kathleen Kennedy.

You can...

I guess we could invite Kathleen Kennedy on the show.

I'm sure she'd like to come on a podcast with a whopping six people, do you think?

When's Kathleen Kennedy going to die?

I thought Kennedy died young.

You would think, yeah, like they usually get assassinated or something.

And I would imagine that far more people have been upset by Kathleen Kennedy's butchering

of Star Wars than JFK had.

She just doesn't fly enough planes.

Yeah.

And when you said the audience is six, are you counting five of us that are in here now?

Oh, yeah.

There's...

There's maybe the odd list.

And then you always get that seven-year-old man that accidentally downloads it because

he thinks it's a BBC documentary.

It must be nice being Scottish, eh?

You've got a constant picnic blanket with you wherever you go.

Yeah, you can just...

It's like an impromptu picnic.

Juicy fruits on a constant download.

Hmm?

See, these juicy fruits, weren't they?

Juice, loose, loose.

Loose, loose.

And...

Juice.

Wine gums.

Oh, those are delicious.

Are those Scottish?

International terrorism.

You guys got?

Oh, you got walkers, those walkers, Scottish buttery cookies too, don't you?

Oh, shortbread.

Shortbread, yeah.

Shortbread and salt.

I'll take those all day long.

Porridge.

Porridge, yeah.

Yeah, those are all right.

You can sort of see, the picture is developing of why everyone in Scotland is so fucking depressed.

What accoutrement do you guys have with your porridge?

There's a lot of different ways you can make it.

You know, you can put it in the microwave, you can do other things, but I don't eat it

myself, I only know other people have had it.

Cinnamon, like is there, or butter, is butter a thing?

Like, what toppings?

I am rude.

Normally, I just put pineapple and ham on it.

Oh, pineapple and ham, that's a bit of a pizza thing, huh?

Pineapple and ham on the porridge.

On the porridge.

How close, how close are you to independence now, Alan?

Are you personally not in the country?

Good chat.

Like 3.5?

Has Alan gone into the fetal position?

Oh, sorry, there we go, my mic wasn't working.

Did you start, did you flash back into that time that you, uh, took Sturgeon up the wrong

end?

Yeah, just, yep, that was exactly, yep.

Remember the times we used to get Graham to read Shakespeare?

Oh god.

Oh yeah, that was, that was fun, I suppose you should get Alan to read something.

But I think

I would do it too professionally.

Maybe read from Escort or something like that.

Or Reader's Wives.

Celebrity, like the show notes

of I Am Celebrity, get me out of here.

You could read

I don't know, maybe

Tragedy and Hope.

That's about 7,000 pages.

We'd be able to actually knock out a couple

of episodes over that.

As long as we don't all

have to do it tonight, then that would be fine with me.

You could just

send your recordings in.

Dial it in.

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days

being Christmas and all.

It's a very festive time.

Your mind

wanders a bit when you think about

what might have happened and what could be

and what has happened.

What you missed and things.

I was thinking Ninja Turtles.

Do they poo?

Do they do like

do you think they poo?

They do.

Squirtle Turtles.

They're always chit-knacking, aren't they?

They're living in the sewer.

I mean, I don't know, maybe

Donatella just sort of pinches went out

on the floor.

Where did they get their Hawaiian shirts from?

What, for the Ninja Turtles?

Yeah.

Well, probably the same

place that they fucking take a shit

because obviously no one's answering.

I want to know.

I'm not sure.

There must be like one

lap.

Toast intolerant

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

You know,

cheese pizzas all the time

with pepperoni and everything.

Well, it would look like a Pollock.

And you think

it's always going to be hiding, you know.

If it was real,

that time where they rescued

April O'Neil when they first got her

and she woke up on the couch,

she'd be fucking probably

puking her guts out from salmonella poison

because turtles are fucking filthy cunts,

aren't they?

So I'd imagine

they would definitely have dysentery or something.

I think like Prangelo would be one of those turtles

that you lick and you get like

psychedelic reactions with.

Yeah, and they probably have warts all over their body.

They never had stuffed crust, did they?

Was stuffed crust invented back then?

No, I don't think so.

I think stuffed crust came in like the mid-90s.

And of course the turtles grew, you know,

grew to prominence in the late 80s, early 90s.

I mean,

new turtles, you would hope.

Remember when Trump did that commercial for stuffed crust?

No.

Pizza Hut.

He did a Pizza Hut, I think.

Was there Ninja Turtles in there?

No, it was just stuffed crust.

Was there a Ninja Turtle?

A Ninja Turtle pinching one out?

No, it was just Trump.

You guys haven't solved my Christmas riddle.

Well, he's building a wall.

Riddle me this.

Where do they shit?

How do they shit?

And does Splinter sort of go around with a pooper scooper?

No, if they live in the sewers though,

can't they just shit whenever they want?

Yeah.

Well, that's what I'm thinking.

If Ninja Turtles are real

and they are in your like local sewer,

they're probably not going to be extremely sort of keen on...

But it also makes you,

wonder where Splinter got his name.

Because, I mean, Splint.

Yeah, but we're talking about Ninja Turtles.

None of them wore pants either, did they?

They were just...

But that's what I'm wondering.

They were their dick out.

We know how,

we know how rat shit.

They do little nuggets pretty much all over the place.

So we know that the turtle layer

is going to have fucking little droplets of shit everywhere.

We know that, okay?

Maybe it's like guano and it's got healing properties.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe.

But it's certainly something to think about.

Why did they all have to have their initials on their belts?

Because they're fucking stupid.

Master Splinter always said that they all look the same.

So I guess he was just like,

right, I'll give you a fucking...

I'll put your name on your belt

and then you're going to...

I'll just fart and say in the initial,

I know what you are then.

You're fucking...

You all look the same.

Green cunts.

No, but didn't they have coloured bananas?

A cockney Asian.

What?

Obviously, there was no colour for gender

because Donatello had purple.

Yeah.

It was a feminine colour, so...

Well, he's probably on the spectrum, mate.

Foot soldiers all look the same as well, don't they?

Who's that?

I love the wiggles.

Well, the foot soldiers were...

In the cartoon, they were robots.

They didn't shit,

but the foot soldiers in the movies were humans

and they do shit,

but I would imagine they just shit like humans.

Like bosses.

There's probably no special...

Do you think they longed for their own identity?

No, not really.

They're probably the precursor to NPCs, aren't they?

Imagine Shredder when he's wiping.

That's going to hurt, isn't it?

Yeah, well...

I would imagine he wouldn't wipe his own, let's face it.

But, you know, you get that when you run a criminal organisation.

You've got people to wipe your ass.

Does it not say anything on Turtle Wiki?

Turtle Wikipedia?

Well, we could try it.

I mean, that would be probably a good thing to research.

We'll research...

So you don't have to.

Ninja.

It says...

Poop.

Are you doing your pirate typing there, buddy?

Yeah, doing my...

One-finger typing.

Yeah, pirate typing.

I'm just trying to work it out,

because the mutagen made turtles...

It sort of anthropomorphised them.

So what would that do to a reptilian cloaca?

What's a cloaca?

A cloaca is what reptiles have.

It's like a one-stop shop for piss and poo.

Oh, like they've got sort of like an anal fissure sort of thing.

Like a dual-action hole.

Like a big old dong.

A pishoo.

Yeah.

Sounds like a nut, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Pistachio nut.

Pishoo.

I mean, there's probably quite a lot of humans with one of those by now.

Oh, yeah.

It's pretty trendy these days.

It's like, you know, just...

They're always splitting things and inverting things and making gashes.

So, I mean, there's probably quite a lot of people with pistachios.

Pistachios.

That's the best way to get rid of gender.

Just make it all one hole.

I wouldn't mind, actually, if this all actually basically turned this into Ninja Turtles.

It's called the one-stop shop.

One hole.

I'm wondering if you could get that on the NHS these days.

I've seen it on eBay.

It would save a lot of time, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, think about it.

You'd get a shell.

Green skin.

So people wouldn't be able to tell you that you looked a bit pale anymore.

A nice bandana.

Because you're a little bit greener.

Don't they dye your hair every week?

Yeah.

Well, you could just change your bandana.

Because bandanas are on the spectrum, too.

You know, yellow, blue, green.

You could just change all that.

I think that'd be quite nice.

Maybe for Christmas, I'm going to retroactively call Santa and see if he can make me a Ninja Turtle.

No more anal bleaching?

No, no.

Especially not.

Well, it would just be bleaching that miscellaneous gash that does...

All three fluids.

It would look like a pistachio, really, wouldn't it?

A little bit green.

Probably tastes like a pistachio, too, if you played your cards right.

It'd be...

No more lube.

Well, I think turtles secrete stuff anyways, don't they?

Yeah, pishoo.

Anyways, don't Google Ninja Turtle poop.

You won't like what you find.

So, anyways, I guess...

That's it for the Christmas special edition.

We've recorded 17 and a half minutes, so I think that's pretty good.

Oh, Michelangelo, you're fucking shot on the floor again, you cunt!

This is the news!

Man gets raped.

A Canadian trapper has been raped by a 200-pound beaver.

Now, this story is out of Jackhead.

And a Canadian trapper claims that he has survived a brutal sexual assault

by what he calls the biggest beaver he's ever seen.

True story.

Bill O'Connor, 63, was checking his beaver traps near Lake Winnipeg

when a large bear-like creature attacked him out of nowhere.

Bill O'Connor...

Bill O'Connor, who first thought he was being mauled by a smaller bear or wolverine,

that's Hugh Jackman,

soon realised that, in fact, it was a very large beaver.

I had never seen a beaver of this size in my entire life, he told local papers.

And this is John O'Connor?

Mm-hmm.

From Terminator.

Bill O'Connor.

That's his dad.

Yeah, John O'Connor was his cousin.

This exact scenario happened to me in Red Dead Redemption.

Did you?

Spoiler alert for you.

You get raped by beavers.

Well, maybe they put that into the game when they saw it

because they like to make the games quite factual.

Is there going to be an undead nightmare of that this time?

I have no idea.

I just want the original Red Dead Redemption game

remastered and added in to the end.

I woke up, my face in the snow, gasping for air.

I think I was supposed to be saying air, but maybe it was gasping for some air.

Because beaver, if it's a fuzzy one.

Maybe it was a shame.

The beaver was crushing me with its weight

and doing a humping motion on my head and neck

while making a strange guttural sound.

It must have weighed at least 200 pounds.

Gasping on air.

The large-sized semi-aquatic rodent

eventually ejaculated on O'Connor's head and neck

before throwing five bucks on the table next to him

and walking off.

You know how the saying goes,

if a beaver rapes in the wood, did it really happen?

Yeah.

Did anything happen?

Yeah.

If you set up invitations,

if you set up invitations for beavers to come to his property

to get trapped, then what can you expect?

It's a bit like a badger baiter, isn't it?

I had worn beamer semen all over me hair and face and mouth,

but man, was I glad to be alive.

I think I'd be the opposite, to be honest.

I'd be waiting for the eventual court release of death.

The last thing I would do is go to the news reporters and say,

hey guys, I was just raped by a beaver and I have jism in my hair.

I don't know, beaver semen is probably better than beaver semen, isn't it?

Those are in Canada.

They are both Canadian and both are hairy little cunts.

But I know, I think that's sort of a fundamental difference

between men and women, see?

If that was a woman, she would probably go to the authorities

or suppress it, where a man would be like,

fuck, I may as well make a buck out of this.

Post it on Facebook, get some likes.

He'd get on Instagram, wouldn't he?

Beaver cum shot facial.

Posted it on Reddit and maybe got some gold by saying,

yeah, he fucked up.

I hope he saw the filming, right?

As far as we know, there's been one...

Dark web.

Ooh, what's that?

Ooh.

There's a large ocean liner coming through.

I would imagine that would be an island.

Yeah, that's lovely.

What's that?

This Christmas, the Titanic, yeah.

Your whole new adventure.

Fuckin' Titanic, you cunts.

Beavers on the Titanic.

The Beef-tanic.

Beef-tanic.

Well, they hold on to an iceberg left.

I can't even, with this new Skype,

I can't even hang up on Alan.

I would imagine it is Alan.

He's probably trying to talk.

There's probably much dialect coming from him right now.

And all we can hear is...

He was taking that course on how to speak like an ocean liner.

He's got carried away with his vibrator.

It was quite a low hum.

And I'm pretty sure Alan's is petrol-powered.

Maybe he's trying to join his vagina to his anus.

Oh, to make...

Yeah, to realise the dream.

The chloé could dream.

Which could be good with a kilt, wouldn't it?

Because everything would just drop out.

There's nothing to hold it there.

Yeah, free ball.

Conservation officer Tom McGregory, or something,

you know, who cares really in these stories,

says visitors at the nearby New Way Park Bay Park Reserve

have reported multiple sightings of an unusually large-sized beaver in the area.

We also have had several reports in the area by local residents

of excessively large beavers.

Beavers are usually not an aggressive species

unless they feel threatened or injured.

Well, it wasn't really...

I don't think he was threatened, was he?

He wasn't trying to maul the guy alive.

He just wanted to get his racks off.

I mean, for all we know, this guy has a face like a beaver's arsehole.

And sort of, you know...

Reminiscent.

Woke the beast.

Should we go over to Alan on response?

Is there any words of aquatic wisdom

that the cruise liner could tell us?

Yeah.

Did you just get humped like a dog humps your leg,

or did you actually get fully penetrated?

It sounds like, basically, the beaver mounted his head

and just shot its rod over his face.

Latched on to dear life until it was over.

Which...

As we know, though, one case of beaver rape

means rape culture is alive in Canada.

In Canada.

Well, we know that.

And I'm booking my fucking ticket right now.

All the beaver babies.

Without their fathers.

Judge accused of breaking into neighbour's home

and taking women's underwear.

Which, it's always good to hear from the judiciary

of...

of Long Island,

because they're always up to something, aren't they,

those judges.

Do you think they have, like, those white merkins?

Like, they've got them on their heads, don't they?

Yeah, yeah, they've got them on their head,

and then they have a little one that they...

Oh, I don't know if they do that.

I don't think they do that in the States, do they?

In the UK, for our American listeners,

our magistrates put on silly little...

Wigs.

Wigs that they look a bit like...

No, the ones in the States do it behind closed doors

in their private life.

The ones in the UK just...

We do it in private.

We are loud and proud.

It looks...

If you could think of a very well-groomed

pubic region of Saruman.

You know, not Gandalf,

because Gandalf is scraggly.

Yeah.

Saruman's got that nice, flowing, L'Oreal-type hair.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like that.

And, but, yeah...

Pantene probly.

But this is a...

Saruman with those curly roll things in.

Or a Jewish Saruman.

Yes.

With the little Jew curls.

Yeah.

Like that.

That would be what a British magistrate's pubic...

I don't know if you can say Jew curls anymore.

Yeah, I think you can.

That's totally acceptable.

I don't know about that, can you?

Yeah.

I made a Jew curl once.

He never fucking called me back, though.

User.

I'm sorry, dude.

I hear they, you know, that happens.

Anyways, apparently a Long Island judge

stands accused of breaking into a neighbour's home.

But what he went for,

he went for his neighbour's knickers.

Which, you know...

I mean, that's what I'd probably do if I was a judge.

She was a 23-year-old girl.

What, clean or dirty?

Home alone.

Well, you'd probably think

he's probably looking for dirty ones,

but he'll probably settle for clean ones.

Because that's the problem.

See, in Japan,

your local magistrate can just come to a, you know,

a pub.

A vending machine and get his dirty knickers.

But in America,

you've got to fucking break into someone's house and nick them.

Or go...

I think they've made it illegal

that they don't do it on eBay anymore

because that's where I used to get mine.

You can do it on the Facebook Marketplace, though, can't you?

Oh, you can do anything on Facebook Marketplace, can't you?

Movies have been a bit disappointing this year, haven't they?

Yeah.

Like, I can't recall one movie

that I've enjoyed.

I can.

What's that?

It's called Debbie Shits on Tom

and it's about a young girl called Debbie

and she takes a shit on someone called Tom.

Was that from the Debbie Dallas series or...?

I think it was from the...

Debbie Does Dallas?

From the Teenage Mutant Ninja Scattles.

It's a series of scat films from Germany.

They don't make cartoons like these, do they?

They don't, no.

Great Grandmother receives Mother's Day card,

but we'll make this festive.

A great grandmother receives Christmas card

calling her a dirty old slut.

A great grandmother has revealed

that she recently received a Christmas Day card

accusing her of being a dirty old slut.

Dorothy Hopkins, 85,

noticed that the card from her daughter Mandy

had already been opened by the time it arrived at her house.

Her family now believes that it may have been tampered with

and Royal Mail promised to return it to her family.

To investigate.

The message said,

I want to go back to my birth hole.

Spread them, you dirty old slut.

From the loving sorting office.

Best to the world.

Love, hate you lots.

Mandy, you whore.

Suck my hairy cock, you bitch.

So that's what I'd do if I went for Royal Mail.

Well, you'd hope so.

Dot from Woodley, Berkshire said,

I am so shocked I haven't been able to bring myself

to read the message fully.

And there is photos,

of the said card,

with what looks like somebody with forensic gloves on.

Because as you know,

that is probably a hate crime.

And there is a picture of Dorothy.

And to be quite frank,

she does look like a filthy slut.

Well, if she's living in one of those homes,

those are the nastiest places for STDs, you know.

Oh yeah, they're always...

They are ransacked.

I mean, the Christmas parties at those places.

They have those mince pies with the actual mince meat in.

Hmm.

Which, with no flavour, it's just...

It's basically like eating...

Gonorrhea.

What is mince meat?

What?

The original mince meat was mince meat.

In pies, right?

In...

Not...

It was spiced meat.

It's weird, isn't it?

But now it's just a bunch of...

It's not even meat anymore.

No, it's miscellaneous fruit.

No, it's thankful because fucking mince, mince...

Mince pies are fucking disgusting, mate.

Yeah, who would have thought that?

It sounds a little bit gay as well.

A bit mincey.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, what a mince pie.

What is your source for these news stories?

Miz.

I tell you what, those robots can't say mince very well, can they?

Mince.

If you were a gay robot and you wanted to say,

ooh, I was mincing around, it's...

Well, I mean...

Stephen, could you say mincing?

That would be handy.

Mincey.

See?

Mincey.

It sounds like mince, like tree ball mince.

Are you retarded?

Yeah.

Fucking useless, mate.

What would be a mince pie, like, with, like, you know, the soft tree ball mince?

Mint mint.

Oh, mint mint.

Well, I mean, you could always give it a go, couldn't you?

A mint pie.

Hmm.

If it was made of, like, chocolate and mint, all right.

No, that wouldn't be the most disgusting thing you've eaten, Mark.

Oh, definitely not.

Yeah.

I've done rimming.

Mm.

That's it.

It just went really silent.

It was an absolute disgrace.

If it was someone's idea of a joke, it was in terribly bad taste

and has left me really quite upset, said Dirty Horse Slut Dorothy.

I have six children, eight grandchildren and 14 great-grandchildren,

and I was really pleased to receive six Mother's Day cards,

but I can only put up five

because Mandy called me a filthy fucking...

cunt horse, Slot.

Oh, Mandy.

She came in here and bought me a pony.

I know, Mandy, and let's just say it takes one to know one.

We had been in touch with the Royal Mail and the police,

and someone senior from the Royal Mail says he's coming to see me tomorrow

for a good time.

Whether or not the officer from the Royal Mail managed to bag her off

around the back of the toilets is unknown,

because you try and get your end away.

George Michael was dead as well, wasn't he?

He would have been into that.

Yeah, he would, actually.

The Royal Jelly Mail.

But you try it.

You go into an old folks' home.

I mean, because you hear a bit.

It smells of urine.

But they're always banging each other.

And gonorrhea.

The old folks.

But you try going in as a 30-something-year-old man,

or a 40-something-year-old man,

or even a 50-something-year-old man,

and they fucking spot you, mate.

Unless you're a man.

You're coming in in a stripper ground.

It's like a Not Walking Dead, the other one.

My grandson, Stephen Billington, was at me house,

and after seeing the horrible message written inside,

he had to go into the lab and knock one out, said Dorothy.

I made that last bit up.

I was going to say, they really played that story out, didn't they?

The posties would just keep coming.

And record what had happened to his boss.

So, you know, that's one reason.

I think to use Royal Mail.

Because if you can sort of get some entertainment in there.

Most of my cards are like,

Dear James, hope you have a nice time.

Love, Auntie Mildred.

And that's about it.

We're back to what the turtles do again, aren't we?

We are basically back to Ninja Turtles.

And it all comes back to Ninja Turtles.

But, I mean, I think it's nice that the Ninja Turtles

are still around after all these years.

And they're still teenagers.

I think they could have ended it after this last season,

the rise of the Ninja Turtles.

Right.

Because...

It's about them on Viagra.

Yeah.

It's all about their sort of comeback from erectile dysfunction

on the count of turtles not having penises.

Hitting the streets with their wangs.

You don't see much Ghostbusters these days, though, do you?

After those ladies killed it.

Yeah.

They pretty much demolished it.

But they are actually making a third one with everybody.

Everybody's on board.

I think it's because they want to make everyone forget

the obliteration that was.

Egon's dead, isn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, well...

Well, he's definitely on board.

Winston's pretty epic for both of them,

so he can just take it over and...

Or they could CG him in.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't really...

Oh, that's a good storyline.

He's a ghost.

And then they have to catch him.

Well, I mean, I think it's a nice thing

that we live in a period of time where you can be dead

and still control yourself.

Yeah.

It's a tribute to, you know, entertainment.

You know?

Agreed.

Exactly, Stephen Hawkins.

So, that was that.

This is a new dynamic.

This is an extra dynamic to the show,

having a Stephen Hawkins.

It adds a whole new...

It brings us up a level because of his IQ.

Yeah, it brings us up.

It's a new dimension.

Yeah.

It sort of brings us...

It brings me up.

Into a wider world

into a wider world

where we can discuss things like

science

and physics

physics

Did you misspell that?

Yes.

It kind of cut out

halfway through the word.

I thought he just had a list.

Penis.

Penises.

It's weird that he would talk about that

because his didn't really work that well.

Ass pipes.

Doesn't Stephen Hawking know how

turtles mutated?

Turtles shit.

Well, he probably had a lot of turtles poking out.

I think it was probably...

He would probably theorize something really good

about Dimension X, wouldn't he?

Yeah.

You know what?

He was all about black holes and all that, you know?

So, I've heard that.

Yeah, galaxies and black holes.

Great holes.

So, yeah, that's it for the news.

Not much happened.

Fuck it.

Well, they all sent in stories from the...

Oh, no.

People don't send in stories on account of them

thinking we're all dead

or wishing we were.

But you can send in news stories

at brickpod at Gmail.

Maybe if we get some fucking emails,

we'll bother recording some shows, you cunts.

So, is there anything special you're doing

for Christmas this year, Mark?

No.

You could at least have the decency

of making something.

I will drink

and be merry.

So, get hydrated.

Be merry.

Can I be Bill?

You can be Joseph.

What about you, Kenneth?

You want me to make something up?

Yeah, just make something really fucking funny and...

Epic.

Just, you know, the most epic thing you could probably say

ever.

Yeah, that sounds fantastic.

What about you, Ash?

Going to Mount Everest

and then having lasers shoot out of my fingers

to make a human Christmas tree

and then giving presents

to all the Inuits in Antarctica

and then I'm going to shoot over to Africa

and sing the Bono song

and then say, you cunts,

and say, you fucking didn't eat today, did you?

Well, not my problem.

And then shoot back home

and take a dump.

That's average fucking Saturday, then.

Feed the World song.

Are they all still alive?

Feed the world,

make it a better place.

That one?

No, the one you sang last night.

You play this with Girls Alive, don't you?

Oh, yeah, my Girls Alive

play this.

What are they allowed to do?

Anything you want, love.

Yeah, well, that was Band-Aid.

That was the one where all of the money

was fucking getting...

It doesn't hurt when you take them off.

All the money was given to Gandalf, wasn't it?

Gandalf, yeah.

And Saruman for his merking collection

from my head.

So...

Did you mean Bob Gandalf?

Yeah, Bob Gandalf.

Oh, he killed his daughter, didn't he?

Is that what it was called? Peaches, wasn't it?

Yeah, Peaches.

Peaches.

Peaches, and she...

Bob ate my peach.

Bob ate his peach.

Oh.

I've always sorbade the peach.

But Peaches was quite attractive

for something coming out of that fucking ugly cunt.

But he probably knocked up a model, didn't he?

That's probably why he banged his daughter.

Or adopted it.

And I hear

Bono is still a cunt.

So that's always good to know at Christmas.

Dun-dun-dun-dun!

Everybody came!

Hello, welcome to the Britpod Arcade

where we have all sorts of arcade machines.

Most of them are shit.

Um, what are you gonna be

planning to play this Christmas, Mark?

Other than your ball sack?

Like I get a chance. It's all about

Fortnite in our house.

I don't get to play on my console anymore.

Oh, fucking Fortnite. I am so sick

of seeing cunts do that fucking

Fortnite dance. If anyone supports that

ninja guy,

they gotta get out of town.

Oh, is that that green-haired freak?

That's really popular with the children

nowadays. He doesn't have the decency to

re-dye his hair blue. It's, uh,

it was blue and it faded and now it's just

this slimy green color.

But he's, uh...

Well, he's a multi-millionaire, so...

Ninja is a right-eyed cunt.

But, you know what I do have to say is

people should subscribe to PootiePie.

PootiePie.

Pootie.

PootiePie. That would be a good porn name.

It would. Are you still playing WoW?

Yeah.

It never ends.

It was only because Marty

from BritPod

keeps badgering me, he bullied me,

he peer-pressured me.

And, uh, I was thinking of maybe

doing some streaming

because that's what all the children are into

these days. On that Twitch.

They love it, don't they? On Twitch.

So, if any of you can't be interested

in listening to me and Marty

play, uh, video games

like Warcraft, um, send me an email

at BritPod.gmail. Give me some encouragement.

Give me some motivation. Maybe I'll fucking do it.

You don't need motivation to play.

Motivation to stream.

Because to get popular

on Twitch nowadays, you need

to have more than just, you know,

um, really great

witty wits.

Put some makeup on your face. You need to get your tits out.

You wear something sort of...

Yeah, I was thinking of going topless.

And then...

Painting. Body painting.

Some bows. I've seen quite a lot of body

painting on Twitch, so I was thinking of doing...

Maybe reveal your anal fistula and, uh...

No, that's against the TOS.

You can't...

I could probably body paint

a representation of an anal fistula

on my chest.

And that would probably be alright.

My chest hair could be the pubes.

But, um...

So maybe I'll do that.

But yeah, if you guys are interested.

And then, um...

I was looking at getting one of those video capture

cards for it as well.

But that would be so...

So you could just go to our Patreon for that.

If you want him to...

If you want to support him to get a

video capture card, just go to our Patreon.

Support us there.

And then he can get it, and then he can go on Twitch.

And then go to the GoFundMe, and then go to the

Kickstarter, and then go to the

PayPal, and then the Indiegogo.

And just give all your money

to different things.

And then it'll most likely not go anywhere.

And Super Chat on YouTube.

The fallouts. No fallouts.

And everyone's disappointed in that.

Yeah, they're all panning the shit out of Fallout.

Which I've not actually ever played Fallout.

You haven't?

No. There's a lot of people that fucking love that game.

So is it about, like, um...

Falling out.

It's basically set, um...

I think, uh, like three or four months

in the future where... Prolapsing.

Well, it's after, like, a family feud

or something, and there's a big fallout.

And the main character just leaves home.

And it's about his struggle

getting an accommodation.

It's like that Eddie Murphy movie where they're all played by

Eddie Murphy. Yeah.

I think that's basically what it is.

The fallout 76 is about,

I guess, him visiting his grandmother.

And they all sit at the table.

She's 76. Fried chicken and yelling at each other.

And she gets a card that calls her a dirty horse.

Macaroni and cheese.

Apparently.

Oh, dear.

The fallout's not been doing very well in the press.

And there's not been a new Left 4 Dead

for a long time.

Now, is that the one when it was in the shopping mall?

No, Left 4 Dead wasn't in the mall.

No, that was Dead Rising, wasn't it?

Dead Rising, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's actually...

There was a girth of

zombie movies about...

Zombie games about five years ago.

And now there's a girth of zombie games.

I don't know

girth and dearth.

You can't really trust another Resident Evil, can you?

They've just gone...

No. Well, Capcom are fucking...

Street Fighter V now.

They've actually got fucking adverts

when the game is loading.

On their clothes.

And, yeah, sponsorship fucking on the clothes

of the characters.

So you've spent like 60, 70 dollars

or 50 pounds on a fucking Capcom game

and it's just fucking advertising it to you.

Like Snapple.

And then if people complain about it,

they call them racist bigots

because apparently you can't criticise

video games anymore

without them relating it to some sort of fucking...

Oh, we all sound so cynical.

Well, it is.

It's...

You know, I long for the games

where you could just pick up a controller

and beat the living shit out of someone.

I mean, that was the original Street Fighter, wasn't it?

I mean, you could literally be a big white Russian guy

and pile drive a little Asian girl.

You're probably making Stephen feel a little bit uncomfortable

if you get flashbacks.

Oh, I unplugged him.

So there's that.

But I'm looking at getting from the Santy Claus.

I want to give me goals.

The new Resident Evil, which...

Not Resident Evil.

Red Dead Evil 2 Redemption,

which apparently is very, very good.

Kenny's been living in that world.

Cowboy.

100% motherfucker.

And I've always been partial to cowboys.

Can you spell V-Bucks?

Can you spend V-Bucks on making the cowboys look like

the guy from the British people?

Oh, like Ashless Chaps?

Yeah.

I would think so.

I'd spend money on that.

That's hilarious.

If Red Dead Online is anything like Grand Theft Auto,

I think it's only a matter of time before you get Ashless Chaps.

What about...

But will it break the illusion, is what I want to know.

Because you've got this illusion of Red Dead where it's all serious

and then you see a guy walk by dressed up as a giant potato chip.

Then that may throw a spanner in the works, won't it?

But then you have...

Spanners back then, so...

Fuck knows.

Cucumbers.

They didn't have cucumbers back in the Wild West.

They had cactus, which is sort of cucumber shape.

But, you know...

It'd be nice if they released an undead version again, though, for Red Dead.

That's what I was thinking about last time.

I was waiting on that for Grand Theft Auto.

I thought that would have been fucking awesome, an undead Grand Theft Auto.

They did a patch, didn't they?

Did they?

Yeah.

For Halloween.

For the Halloween period.

Oh, I fucking missed that.

That sounds fun.

You fucking played it, you cunt.

What, for Grand Theft Auto?

Yeah.

No.

You played it as a zombie?

You've done too much.

They have Halloween...

But not actual zombies.

No, there was...

I'm sure there were zombies.

No, you're fucking making that up.

That's one of your fucking...

Fantasies.

...much-filled fantasies again.

You can buy a house with a skeleton in the back or something.

No, but an actual zombie apocalypse would be...

I'm actually sort of open for one in real life, to be honest, just to break the monotony.

I saw a review of the new Walking Dead game that's coming out soon.

That looks good.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you had one on your mobile phone, isn't it?

Yeah.

Walking Dead R-World.

It's like Pokemon Go, but with zombies.

It's lovely.

Oh.

And do you look like a sad twat, like if you were playing Pokemon Go?

Do you get to look like a fucking waste of humanity?

And skin, like Pokemon?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, I think so.

It encourages you to play the game by doing missions, and then what happens?

You get to level seven, and then they reset the boards, and you have to go back to one.

So, if you're laying in your bed, do you have, like, zombies crawling in your bed?

Do you get to leave the house?

Oh, yeah, you get to leave the house, yeah.

Mark, memory serves you a fan of...

What's his name?

Deadpool guy.

Ryan.

Reynolds.

You still like Ryan Reynolds?

I love Ryan Reynolds.

He's in a Pokemon...

Yeah, he's going to be a Detective Pikachu guy, isn't he?

So, you and your son have something to bond over?

We do.

I love for Ryan Reynolds.

Oh, Ryan.

Well, he's loved for Pokemon.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's that new...

Bread Pod Cinema.

There's that new fucking Sonic the Hedgehog movie coming out.

Oh, that looks delightful.

That doesn't look like a furry at all.

It's a really uncomfortable-looking poster that they just released, which...

That looks actually like what a real mutant would look like, because you always have...

Oh, it's not a live-action thing, then.

Yeah, it is.

Oh, dear.

Yeah.

But, you know...

Very oh, dear.

You know, you always have, like, mutant Ninja Turtles or X-Men, and that's what their mutants are.

But real mutants in real life are sort of sorry things.

When you see them, you're like, shotgun, really.

That's what needs to happen.

I remember when they did The Simpsons, and they put The Simpsons in real life, and it was kind of weird.

It's kind of like that, but worse.

He just looks very unfortunate.

I think Homer was walking the streets.

I mean, if you haven't seen it, type in a Sonic movie poster, and there's a teaser thing.

So you don't actually get to see...

The eyes are the creepiest things, because I bet he looks like a right nutty...

He looks like the sort of person that, you know, grabs women on airplanes.

Yeah, up to something.

Do you get to see tails in it as well?

I don't know, mate.

I mean, you'd hope so, wouldn't you?

That's the riveting thing.

That's why you've got to go see it, I guess.

There was a ladybird dude as well, wasn't there?

A ladybear?

A ladybird dude.

Oh, I don't know.

I can't remember what he was called.

Was it...

Dr. Robotnik?

No, Knuckles, wasn't it?

Oh, I didn't know he was a ladybird.

Yeah, no, that was a dude, Knuckles.

Yeah, but he was a ladybird, wasn't he?

No, I thought he was a hedgehog.

What's a ladybird?

I thought they were breaking down...

They were breaking down, like, barriers of gender with that as well.

It was a ladybird and he was a bloke.

There was a red one that was a chick.

Yeah, there was a red...

There was two tails of, like, a fox.

But Knuckles wasn't.

No, Knuckles was red and then there was, like, a pink one.

Yeah.

But he wasn't a ladybird?

I don't think he was a ladybird.

Write to email at brickpod at gmail.com

if you know the gender and or species of and or Knuckles the hedgehog.

Oh, that must have been a mandala effect or something, eh?

I'll tell you what.

Knuckles was the big...

He was the big, tall one with big shoulders.

Yeah, he looks buff.

He's the Chad.

He was the Chad.

He's the Chad.

Gets all the pussy.

But he was a ladybird in my timeline.

And Tails is the baiter.

Oh, I don't remember that.

So Knuckles isn't a chick?

No.

The chick was pink.

Yeah, no.

With a name like Knuckles, you'd think he's, like, quite butch, wouldn't you?

He is.

Knuckles is...

He was.

Knuckles is fucking Chad as fuck.

They have the cartoon on Netflix and he is.

He's the dude.

That's a good cartoon, that is.

It's funny, actually.

Um...

Laughed at it.

Oh, I had something to say then and it's fucking gone.

I saw it go.

It went.

It went too fast.

I couldn't read it.

Like a little glittering angel sort of disappearing and that was my mind.

Fucking shocking me.

But, yeah, Knuckles, he's Chad as fuck.

He's a big, big birdie dude.

And Tails is your sort of typical virgin.

That sounds like such porn names, like characters in porn, doesn't it?

Knuckles, Tails.

Well, why?

Why would they come up with those names and then it's Sonic?

Like, you have these, like...

Well, Sonic because he's subsonic, supersonic speed or whatever.

And Tails because he's got fucking tails.

He was a fox.

Knuckles has got fucking massive knuckles.

I mean, it's all self-explanatory.

And then there's Cunts, which is a giant pussy.

And then there's that pink girl.

Yeah.

I can't remember her name.

Yeah, that's about something for the girls, isn't it?

I think she's lovely, myself.

She was alright.

She was.

She was sassy.

Uh-oh, we've got a special appearance.

A transformer in the midst.

Just, Dr. Robotnik, he's a robot, isn't he?

Like, underneath.

Yeah.

Does he have a dick or how does he pee?

Well, that's the thing.

That's another thing that we don't know because he was in that capsule.

But he does have spindly legs and an egg-shaped thing.

But try as you might, you try looking on YouTube for eggs doing poos.

I think he just weeps out his eyes.

Yeah, I think he's more of a sort of a sweaty bollock type of character, myself.

He always had red cheeks, didn't he?

Well, he was flustered.

He was a little embarrassed.

Yeah, yeah.

He had issues.

It's because he had that weird body.

But there's also the Spider-Man game.

That looks good.

That's only been out six months, so that's timely.

Was it Battlefield where it got woke?

Yeah.

And suddenly you had bionic superhuman robot women in World War II.

Yeah.

Which is nice.

It was pretty realistic.

Me granddad didn't fucking tell me any of that in his war stories, the lying old bastard.

Experimental cinema.

This week on Experimental Cinema, we'll be talking about movies that we would like to see that are very strange and experimental.

They will be brave and innovative and break down the barriers.

And the glass ceilings that surround us all by encapsulating us and freeing us from this nightmare.

I'd like to see a Dorothy the Dinosaur movie.

Yeah, I want to know what she's up for.

You'll see enough movies with midgets, midget amputees.

I think that would be a whole new experimental genre.

This is not much to see, but up.

But at least the ticket prices would be half off.

Well, three quarters.

Midgets should all be executed.

But no, there isn't many.

There's not like a genre of midgets, you know, or as they like to be seen.

Midget the midget.

Is somebody banging really loud somewhere?

Or is it just my head vibrating?

It's probably my head vibrating.

I've got a condition.

Yeah, there's not enough midget movies.

And I think there needs to be more midget movies.

So I'm sort of sick with this woke Star Wars shit where it's like, oh, you know, the force is female, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

No, the force is midget.

I want to see the entire staff, especially the Chewbacca's being midgets.

Or they could make Lemmings the movie.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it could be Lemmings Star Wars.

I think that'd be good.

So we have a load of midgets dressed in Star Wars costumes.

And they walk off a cliff.

They walk off a cliff.

The Death Star.

Yeah.

I think that'd be nice.

Into the Sarlacc pit monster, which is also a midget.

So none of them fit in its mouth.

And they just sort of splat around the circumference.

Sabrina the midget witch.

Yeah.

And Sabrina comes home from going to wizardry school.

And she's a midget.

And everyone's like, oh, fuck, a spell has gone wrong.

And she says, no, I'm just transitioning.

And then it's a story about a midget witch getting to grips with the fact that she's living.

Yeah, she's a midge.

Yeah, a midge.

She's living in a prejudiced small town in America where anybody under four foot two is, you know, considered less than human.

And then Salem thinks she's a ball of yarn and then just whips her around.

Yeah.

And then what happens by episode five is she does a mask.

Midget spell and turns everybody into midgets.

And then the town learns to accept that we're all the same on the inside.

They all are exposed to her difficulties that she lives day to day.

And then they appreciate.

They appreciate it.

And then they're like, oh, we'll we'll make the shelf slower down.

And then they say, we love you, Sabrina.

Yeah.

The best midget movie would be like that Tom Hanks film, Big, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

He gets transformed.

Into an older, small person and gets to live with the crippling joint pain that I think that would be quite nice.

Or Land of the Giants with midgets where they just are avoiding the little people and the little people can actually feel big.

Yeah, that'd be nice to feel big.

And they could be stepping on cis white males just to crush the cunts and take them down the peg.

I think that'd be good.

This is.

This is what we'd see.

This is what Holly would need.

Yeah.

Brainstorm.

It's Britpod bringing it in.

Right.

So, right.

We've got midgets.

And what else do midgets represent?

Albino midgets.

Yeah.

And they're also underrepresented in basketball.

So I say we bring out a new Space Jam film.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

With.

Is it Shaq?

Shaq.

Or that you need like a Dennis Rodman midget.

Yeah.

I think we should work on that because now that Korea, North Korea is coming into the

Western Hemisphere and they're disarming and becoming part of us sexually.

Yeah.

We're them and they are us.

We're bound to see a lot of short, malnourished basketball players.

It's just, it's inevitable.

It's going to happen.

In fact, we've just solved the North Korea problem because those fuckers.

Oh, he was just, he was best friends.

And with Kim.

Yeah, exactly.

There you go.

So, right.

We've just solved world peace because now we can go over because Koreans, North Koreans

in general, Asians are a bit shorter than everyone else.

Literally everyone else.

Don't be a shortest.

Other than pygmies.

But malnourished North Koreans are fucking tiny, mate.

They are literally like, I think Kim Jong-un and he's probably the best fed one in the

country.

Well, he's only 73 centimeters.

He's, he's only three foot two, isn't he?

So, um, if we get all of these, um, I mean, we'll have to do something about them so that

they don't all look Korean.

I mean, there's, there's face paint, there's latex, sellotape to widen the, uh, oh, well,

that's a, that's a mighty morphin when they turn into a Megazord.

Yeah.

Megazord.

Um, but power rangers, that'd be good.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Major power.

Yeah.

Oh, the mighty midget power rangers.

The midget putties, the little purple, uh, gray thing.

So that would be nice.

Well, you just get some putty, mate.

And they all morph into one.

Yeah.

They have that big robot, don't they?

But it's actually just an adequately sized robot in this one.

But when they transform, yeah, they turn into the Megazord.

He's, he's five foot four then.

And, and can sort of ride on the big boy rides.

Um.

That would be funny if they like did a day at the carnival and they could go on all the

rides, but it would be a Megazord on all the rides.

Yeah.

See, we're already solving problems.

So we've, we've solved basically world peace.

If we could just do something about the Muslims, we'll be all right.

Uh, but yeah, midgets, I think, I think midgets, uh, uh, sort of one of the, one of the cornerstones

that they're the keystone that can bring us all together and unite the world in peace.

And, um, I mean, obviously not British midgets cause they're fucking shocking.

Have you seen their teeth?

Disgusting.

It makes me physically, physically sick.

It's thinking, thinking of them.

You could do a Jurassic pork where, um, there's giant pigs and you have midgets.

So they're not actually giant pigs.

They're just like horse type pigs.

Yeah.

Like, um, maybe they could be, um, midget pigs.

Uh, but the midgets are even.

They do have micro pigs.

Yeah.

So the micro pigs are still big.

Imagine the bacon.

Just itty bitty bacon.

Because a normal midget isn't quite, um, intersectional enough.

We need to have.

I'm thinking like the sort of midgets that, that what's that little cunt that was from,

uh, Austin powers.

He's dead now.

And he's dead.

Yeah.

Him.

He would be.

He's a micro midget.

He had like, he was teeny tiny.

Like a dog.

He's too tall.

We need, we need midgets that are smaller.

Your mate Willow.

Yeah.

Well, Warwick Davis too tall too now.

He was very tall for a while.

He does that show, doesn't he?

On, um, BBC.

Don't know it.

Yeah.

What about midgets?

It's a silly game.

I can't remember what it's called now.

It's got prisms in it and everything.

Well, is it like the crystal midge?

Oh, it's a game?

Yeah.

He does a game show.

He thinks he's a game show host.

The crystal midget.

Does he?

Does he go into the big crystal at the end and try and snatch all those things out of

the air?

Yeah.

What was that?

That foil that's been put in the hair, isn't it?

When they're dyeing it.

Those foil sheets.

Is it not money or is it?

I don't know.

Money was on Noel's house by the way.

It was gold tickets, wasn't it?

And silver, you get silver tickets and that.

Yeah.

And if you got.

I'd pay to see midgets in a giant crystal dome trying to.

I'd pay midgets.

Snatch them out of the air.

I'd pay to see midgets in a giant vat filled with acid.

But, I mean, we can't get what we want all the time.

You know, it would be great for a comeback would be all those video game shows.

Games master.

Games midget.

Yeah.

There wasn't a midget in Mortal Kombat either, was there?

No.

They haven't been well represented at all.

You're right.

They haven't.

See?

And this is what pisses me off.

No, it'd be short influence.

It's all, oh, black, gay, white, Hispanic.

It's all this.

No, midgets, mate.

Yeah.

Because midgets encompass everything.

But they're also short.

And if we really want to step things up, midgets in wheelchairs would be good.

Well, that was Vern, wasn't it?

Tiny, tiny chairs.

But not even working wheelchairs because you probably can't get wheelchairs that small.

The ones that bounce like a pogo stick, but a wheelchair version.

A space hopper.

Wheelchair low rider.

Maybe we can make us some sort of space hopper.

Remember those ones that it was a plastic disc and then a round ball?

Yeah.

Yeah, like that.

But we have a half sphere with the round disc and then you insert the midget into it.

And so the lower, it's a bit like a shit Dalek.

And they could just bounce around.

I think that'd be quite good.

Maybe we could.

Remake Willy Wonka.

But the fucking Oompa Loompas are tall.

They're the freaks.

They remade Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

But they only have one midget in it.

And then they kind of like CG'd, duplicated the midget to make all the Oompa Loompas.

He played all those parts.

Yeah.

He played everything.

And they only got half the weight.

They didn't copy and paste it.

Isn't that crazy?

But I think that was a huge step back for midget rights.

And he was Indian too.

Because it's like the original film.

He employed dozens of midgets.

Yeah.

Instead, they just wanted a clone bot.

That fucking.

They need to unionize.

Johnny Depp.

That fucking bigot Peter Jackson.

He made a whole series of movies about short little cunts and didn't actually use any midgets.

No.

He used normal sized people filmed from a fucking funny distance so that they made them look small.

Yeah.

You could have just got a couple of fucking midgets in there.

I think we should also protest about the name midgies.

Like we should change what they're called because it's not really fair on the midgets that you've got this little tiny bug called a midgie.

Yeah.

Oh, I think we should campaign against that.

Well, there's that show, that American show, Little People.

That's what they like to be called.

Little People.

Oh, they don't get to choose what they like to be called.

Come on.

They're not fucking crazy.

But on a side note of short people, you know what?

What is happening?

But it's going to be on every single Netflix except the UK because they feel the UK doesn't need to have it.

Right.

Is that Waterfront Down?

Oh, Watership Down.

Watership Down.

That's a disturbing film.

But they're remaking it as though it needs to be remade.

Like more blood.

More blood, please.

Well, there's small miniature rabbits.

Why don't we get a new Watership Down?

I would imagine there's something.

Are we still trying to get over the last one?

I don't know.

Ask Netflix.

I would imagine something's doing right.

All the Netflix except the UK.

Or maybe...

But if it's a Netflix original, everyone should have the opportunity to see it.

Well, whoever has...

Because it's a Netflix...

No, it's a Netflix special.

It's specifically for Netflix.

So it should just be on all Netflix.

No, because they're still rights.

How shit is Netflix getting there?

It's getting pretty bad.

They've got a fucking...

Why is it like due restrictions are the hill they want to die on?

Well, they've got a whole drought of fucking midget.

Because I typed midget into Netflix and I didn't get anything.

No.

Prime need to get better, though, don't they?

They do.

They need to sort this shit out.

And maybe a listener can send this into Netflix and they can maybe get us arrested for hate crime or something.

Did you know Vikings is back?

Which one's Vikings?

Is that the one with the Vikings?

That one.

Are there any midgets in it?

Yeah, kind of.

Floki.

Ragnar's son is like a...

Well, he's kind of a midget, isn't he?

He's all shone on his knees all the time.

Oh, yeah, that guy.

The one in the wheelbarrow.

I quite like that.

I'd like my own Viking midget in the wheelbarrow.

Yeah, you could just keep him handy.

And the good thing is you keep wheelbarrows outside, so you probably wouldn't have to bring him in at night.

No.

What about a show with giant midgets like in Infinity War with Tyrion Lannister?

Yeah.

Infinity War.

It's like a mind trip, because it was like, he's a midget, but he's huge.

It was kind of...

That's actually quite good, because if you think about it, we've plenty of time with

Peter Jackson, the bigot, has made tall people short and removed midgets from the equation.

But with technology now, we could make midgets big, and...

Yeah, so they could just have normal rolls.

They could have normal rolls.

They could just have normal rolls, but they're just like really giant midgets.

I think that'd be quite nice.

I think that Marvel should, you know, the second Ant-Man, he was all different sizes,

like he was the size of a kid, and then the size of an ant, and they should actually employ

ant-sized midgets to play with it.

They should actually employ ants, to be honest, because that's quite bigoted having CGI ones

instead of just real ants.

Ants need employment, too.

I'm so triggered by all of that.

There's a lot of ants on, like, Universal Credit, and they need to be employed.

Yeah, there's a lot of ants on benefits these days.

I've seen them with their yellow vests.

There's a lot of PTSD.

There's a lot of PTSD in the ant community.

Some receiving cards, asking to sexually abuse them.

Yeah.

They're on the streets.

They're wandering about.

You know, they're asking for a hit.

Give ants a chance.

There you go.

Give ants a chance.

But I still prefer midgets, mainly because they've got nice mouths, and they're about

the right height.

What about the other end of the spectrum?

Giant.

Giants are boring, aren't they?

Yeah, really tall.

Well, obscenely tall people are cancer, aren't they?

And they've been overdone, haven't they, John?

I liked Kevin Peter Hall, who died of AIDS.

Oh, right.

They don't last very long.

Magic Johnson got AIDS, but got over it.

Yeah.

What does he ever talk about?

Well, the key is in his name.

Magic.

Yeah.

The taller you are, the AIDS cap meets the top.

It's just a little bit of David Copperfield.

It just gets fatigued, and then fucking says, I'm going somewhere else, so go get a midget.

Because fucking midgets die of AIDS, like, just fucking that, mate.

Maybe the AIDS just don't make it up to the brain.

Well, it just doesn't get up there, mate.

It's a long fucking way.

Yeah, it's like Jack and the Beanstalk, but it just never reaches the top.

Yeah.

It's a lot of work as an AIDS molecule to get, and that's what it is.

It's a molecule to get all the way up there.

And then when they do get up there, the fucking oxygen is so thin, mate.

They just fucking, they just go.

It's much easier just to shoot down, get a midget.

Punch down.

Or a Korean.

And just fucking take them out that way.

And I think that's...

Punching down humor is always good, too.

I like punching down.

You know, if I'm at a bar and I'm drunk and I want to fight, I'll look for the really small, short guys.

That makes you a hero.

In tight jeans, and I'll just punch, beat them up, you know.

The least amount of effort, you know.

Yeah, you can just sort of let gravity do most of the work.

It's science, really.

It's science, and I don't like to deny science.

No.

Science with a capital S.

Yeah.

I mean, let's face it.

And also, it really feels satisfying when you pile drive a lot of cunts.

I hope some midgets write in now.

Mate, I've been...

After the release of this.

I've been...

Hey, that means you're listening.

Bripard has been at the forefront of fucking midget rights since 2005, mate.

We've been champion midget rights.

Or something to do with midgets we've been championing.

But I just think they're grossly...

The Olympics, midget Olympics.

Underrepresented.

In the height of midget rights or some kind of euthanasia.

We did some, yeah, signages.

What are those called?

Petitions.

We've done petitions.

Well, yeah, well...

We've done the Patreons.

We've done...

If you've done a petition, mate, that's half the fun.

Paeons.

I mean, I counted signatures that were more than my two hands.

But I mean, think of it, right?

There's all this hubbub in the States going on about, you know,

Trump trying to get this money for a wall.

But if Mexicans were all midgets,

it would be a fucking...

A fraction of the amount of money to build it

because you'd only need, like, a four-foot-tall wall

and little cunts wouldn't be able to get up there.

I think it could solve some...

Oh!

A midget ray.

No, listen.

Let's invent a midget ray.

You know how they had the Purina dog show?

Right.

They dressed the midgets up as dogs.

No.

The Purina dog show, but it's midgets jumping hoops

and walking the little tightropes and they get treats.

I was also thinking maybe you could...

Circus.

Yeah, circuses.

No, no, because these people have to...

They're degrading.

They have to champion for that gold.

But if you get midgets going through hoops for dog food,

I think that's all right.

Yeah.

That's not too degrading.

I mean, circuses are, yeah, but not dog shows.

Baking-flavored treats.

No one ever says, ooh, dog shows are degrading.

It's keto as well.

What was it Peter just came out and said?

Oh, they said don't drink milk

because white nationalists drink milk.

Well...

So I'm thinking maybe...

We should use the same sort of tactics

because milk also encourages...

So put midgets in vats of milk?

When you look at people that drink a lot of milk,

they tend to be fucking big.

So I think if we can sort of use that,

we won't go for the white nationalists.

We can say being over four foot tall makes you a Nazi.

And that's legit.

There will be a good 40% of the population.

No matter what color, though.

Well, yeah.

Oh, yes.

It's just height.

There'll be 40% of the population that'll be like,

all right.

So being over 40...

It's just height.

If being over four foot tall makes me a white nationalist,

that's bad.

I'm not going to do it.

What if you were a tall person

and you were a trans amputee

and you felt the need to not have your legs?

Would that still...

Would you still technically be, like, above the height?

Or would you...

If you had institutional heightism in...

Yes, you would...

Like, at one point, you were over four foot.

Yeah, you'd be using your...

But then you chose to chop your legs off.

Yeah.

Just so that people would think,

oh, he's not racist.

Because you've got institutionalized heightism.

Oh, he might be stretching this.

And, uh...

That's what she said.

You know, you can't stretch the little fuckers.

It's the elastic band effect.

What about...

What if, like me,

it's that when I'm a six foot one

identifier as a midget,

can I get midget rights?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, nowadays you can, yeah.

NHS, they're all about...

I mean, the NHS would probably kneecap you.

It's like...

In this fucking...

Monopoly.

I still want to be tall.

Oh, you just want to identify.

Yeah, like the guy that...

I just want to be a victim.

That is a five-year-old girl.

Did Bruce Jenner get his knob cut off?

Yeah.

Or is this...

I don't think he did.

I think he's just saying...

I think it's a fucking...

He got instant boobies and he got it cut off.

Well, I'd get the boobs

because then you could sort of, like,

you know, have a go at yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like not cheating, but...

Elves are getting taller as well, aren't they?

Elves?

Yeah.

Elves were always short.

They were always midgets.

Yeah, well, I mean, Will Ferrell, he...

No, they're massive.

Like, um...

What's that dude's name?

Um...

You know, the one guy that played the elf in Elf.

Yeah.

Yeah, Will Ferrell.

Oh, yeah.

And, uh, um, Fawcett.

Farrah Fawcett.

Yeah, it's a type of, uh, drainage, isn't it?

They're pretty, uh, standard.

Hmm.

But, no, I think, uh,

I think it'd be quite nice.

See how I tried to just make it Christmassy there?

That was very good.

Well, I mean, midgets are the epitome of Christmas.

I mean, it's bringing it back full circle.

I mean, Santa, the big guy,

and then you got the little midgets,

the elves, the worker bees.

The slaves, yeah.

Ants.

Santa, the gender-nonspecific entity.

Yes, he's...

Should also be a midget.

I think there should be, like,

a route for the short people.

You know, the program Roots,

where it was all about slavery and...

Because, really, midgets have been slaves throughout the years.

And they've also, they're down there with the roots.

Oh, no, roots up close.

Because they're so short.

Call it shrubs.

Shrubs, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You could have a cuntic in here.

I can tell you.

And we could also,

because we're reimagining history a lot these days,

we could do the whole Jewish thing of the Holocaust,

but we'll replace Jews with midgets.

That's probably what we need to do.

And then...

Look at the tiny shoes.

Yeah.

Hitler rounded up all the midgets

and gassed them.

And then there'll be a huge human rights thing

and midgets will get given all the rights

that they don't have now

and the midget pay gap will close.

They were being called half-schwitz instead of half-schwitz.

Yeah.

Fuck.

To be honest,

that undermines all the hard work

that they put into those mass graves

because they wouldn't have had to be so big.

Well, you could just use half of the fucking real estate,

wouldn't you?

You undermine the land.

But also the coal.

Less coal.

I mean, really,

the Nazis would have been better off

just going after the midgets

because it would have fucking saved them a fortune,

to be honest.

Time, effort, money.

But midgets don't have...

You can put more in a gas chamber.

Midgets don't have any gold, though,

so nothing worth stealing.

You could say you can send them all to...

That's leprechauns, too.

Leprechauns, too, but not midgets.

Wrong country, folks.

You can round them up,

send them all to camp on the little train at the zoo.

Yeah.

It's one of those miniature kids' trains.

Yeah, a little...

Brio.

I like how in our Christmas special

we're talking about the genocide of midgets.

But luckily no one cares.

If you just dub over some Christmas nuns...

I'm just going to...

Yeah, that.

A few jingles in the background.

Christmas background music

that's on all the YouTube videos.

That sort of...

We're not quite jingle bells

because that would be copyright somewhere along the line.

It's a little bit...

It starts jingles and then...

Yeah.

Midget bells.

I'm pretty sure jingle bells is public.

Do they have those sweets in this country?

Midget gems?

Yeah.

Where they came from?

Midget gems are here.

Oh, they're here.

They were fucking disgusting, weren't they?

Oh, I love them.

What about a midget gem in the holograms?

That would be...

Oh.

That would be much better than the last one.

That would be a gem film that people actually went to see.

Yeah, they'd be all the chibi dolls.

Chibi.

Chibi, yeah.

Chibis.

So we just need the plastic surgery midgets

that are chibi.

Like, it would be like a collab with some Care Bears gem

and they all bump into each other

and then they're like,

what?

Hey, hey, what is it?

What is it?

Synergy?

And then they're like,

oh, wait, we just got our Care Bears stare

and then there's some sort of kerfuffle

between the Synergy earrings

and their Care Bears stare tummies.

And then a beaver comes along

and comes all over the place.

That was BritPod.

We'll see you later.

Ta-da!

Remember, you can catch us on Twitter.com

at BritPod.

I was a bit premature, though, wasn't I?

Well, you're always premature,

but you just got beavered up.

You can email us at BritPod at gmail.com.

Official BritPod is the name of Facebook

and we're also on other things.

We're on Instagram at BritPod, apparently.

I wouldn't fucking...

Official BritPod.

We officially apologised to midgets and beavers before.

We've lost.

I can't stand a lot of cunts.

Otters, we love.

David Warren Davis used to listen to your show.

Yeah, but then he got pally up with Ricky Gervais, didn't he?

Ricky Gervais.

Now he's got a game show.

Yeah, now look who he is.

He's a little fucking circus clown.

He's just doing his tricks for his masters.

He doesn't want to be liberated

by being made into a fucking megazord on BritPod.

Well, whatever, mate.

He's too tall anyways.

What about Funko Pop movies?

Fuck them.

This is BritPod out.

Bye.

Cunts.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck.

I'm prematurely reaching my destination.

Ah!

Thank you for watching!