retroCRUSH-150-Anniversary Show

Thank you for watching.

tracks for the, uh, American, the English version, and then, uh, recorded a Spanish version of it

as well, so it was, it was pretty cool, uh, to, to, to hear that, and, you know, it didn't sound

so great, I mean, check out, I mean, the David Lee version, uh, is just, uh, bizarre as hell,

I mean, it's, uh, you know, just, uh, you can hear it again here, it's just, uh, very funny.

So, uh, I mean, yeah, we, you know, I played it all over again, but, uh, I, I was listening to

some old, uh, episodes of the podcast, kind of reminding, uh, myself of the flow, and, uh, it's

funny, one of the common refrains was me begging Van Halen to get back together with David Lee

Roth, this big pipe dream, and they'd actually have a tour twice since then, it shows you how

long it's been since I've done this podcast, but, uh, really fun to see, uh, that shortly come

there and then fall apart again, I don't know, Eddie's got trouble this time around, I always

thought it was gonna be Dave that would fuck things up, but, uh, looks like Eddie, uh, uh,

hopefully, uh, you know, they can get their, uh, act together and go on tour again, I didn't get

to see them the last time around, but they toured with Kool and the Gang, that was pretty, uh,

awesome, awesome lineup there, so, uh, anyway, um, today's podcast is brought to you by the Snoopy

Snow Cone Machine.

You know, those guys had it right,

Yum Yum Fun, that is Kool and the Gang, and it's name is the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

Yum Yum Fun, uh, is what it's all about, that's, that's my mantra in life, if you live by the Yum

Yum Fun is what it's all about credo, you can do no wrong, that's for sure, you know, you know what's

not Yum Yum Fun, it's, it's Paula Deen, you've got to, she's a horrible woman, even before we

learned she was a racist, uh, she was a horrible woman, I mean, she's probably single-handedly,

uh, responsible for,

giving more people diabetes in this country than Double Stuff Oreos ever did, I mean, she,

first of all, she's a horrible, uh, person to watch on TV, um, she's got ridiculously sickening

charm about her, um, and her orange skin and crazy hair, uh, it looks like a wampa had sex

with an oompa loompa, that's, that's the kind of, uh, you know, appearance I think that she has,

there, but, uh, a lot of people, uh, are, are trying to be apologetic about, uh, what she's

said, uh, that she used the n-word just, just 30 years ago, she said the n-word, who hasn't used

the n-word 30 years ago, uh, some of her apologists have said, even, even Jimmy Carter

has come to her defense, and, uh, you know, if you read more about it, there's a lot more to it

than that, I mean, she pretty much ran this plantation style, uh, discriminatory operation,

that was very humiliating, uh, for, for, for people there, but I guess you gotta remember that

she comes from a, uh, a simpler time, uh, long ago in the 60s, in the deep south, where

it was, uh, perfectly acceptable to be a racist bitch, um, but, uh, you know, if there's an n-word

that we should be most upset for her to be using, it's nutrition, uh, I believe.

Uh, you know, have you seen some of the shit she puts together? It's like, you know, deep-fried

donut holes roasted in a, a spam loaf covered with Miracle Whip and, uh, marshmallows. Man.

And, uh, what else we got going on in the news these days? You've got, uh, gay marriage is now

legal, uh, in California, at least, in, uh, you know, the, the Defense of Marriage Act,

uh, has been overturned, and, uh, you know, I'm a, I'm a Clinton fan, I, I will make no, uh,

apologies about that, but, you know, I, that was one of Clinton's less proud moments of his

presidency when he, he, you know, he signed that bill into office, and he was on record making a

quote saying, I believe a marriage is defined between a man and a woman. So, love that guy

all you want. We're celebrating overturning something that is not legal.

His administration, uh, signed, so, for shame, Bill Clinton, for shame.

Friend, friend of mine, Michael Patton, uh, local comic here, uh, in town, uh, he wrote a nice

little eloquent post on his Facebook that was basically saying, uh, you know, now that gay

marriage is legal, can we get to the point now where we just call it marriage? And, uh, I agree,

you know, we shouldn't have to differentiate it as if it's some subculture,

of marriage. It should not be gay marriage, it should be just marriage. And, uh, you know,

I also think that if you, if the muscles in your legs get sore, uh, you should just now be able to

rub some Ben on them. Uh, it's time to just call it, uh, that instead of Ben gay.

So, uh, anyway, that, that's, uh, I'm showing you what bombing sounds like, uh, on a podcast.

Imagine telling a joke like that, and 50 people are staring holes at you.

It's a very fun experience.

You can bomb horribly when you do your stand-up comedy on stage,

and people are just looking at you like,

Get off the stage, you horrible piece of shit.

Why are you wasting our time?

Or if you do very well, it's called killing the room.

It's just amazing, and everybody applauds.

And there's that in-between where it's just like,

Yeah, that was kind of good.

Sometimes I prefer bombing to the,

Yeah, that was kind of good.

At least when you bomb, you get the extreme hatred reaction,

and not the courtesy applause.

But anyway, it's a lot of fun stuff going on here.

In Sacramento, it's hotter than fuck these days here.

We've had one of the hottest summers on record.

We're in the middle of all of this week.

It's July 3rd today, by the way, the day before the 4th of July.

And it's been over 100 degrees since, I believe, Sunday.

Hotter than fuck.

And you know how hot fuck is.

I mean, it's fucking hot.

And it's 106, 107, 108 degrees.

It's supposed to be like 110 tomorrow.

Ridiculous.

I can't stand it.

It feels like you're just walking around in sweat.

And I don't know.

Maybe there's something to this global warming thing.

That's all I'm saying.

But tomorrow is the 4th of July.

And I would like to help celebrate by playing a cartoon-themed song.

It's very patriotic, but frankly, it's probably one of the worst cartoon-themed songs ever recorded in human history.

It's the theme song to the 1966 Captain America cartoon.

When Captain America throws his mighty shield

All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield

And he's led to a fight and a duel is due

And the reds and the whites and the blue will come through

When Captain America throws his mighty shield

All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield

That's awful!

My God.

When Captain America throws his mighty shield

All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield

I mean, it does rhyme.

It's got a nice alliteration to it.

But it's just dorky as hell.

Hey, if you chose to oppose my shield

You now must yield

I mean, nothing whips up inspiration into the hearts of kids

Such as a line like that.

Let me just make that clear.

You know, 4th of July.

I love the 4th of July.

It's just about parties.

It's about blowing stuff up.

I used to really love it when I was a kid.

On the 5th of July.

I grew up in San Lorenzo, California.

And, uh...

Not legal, but not necessarily frowned upon.

A lot of folks and kids would go to San Francisco

To Chinatown.

And you'd come back with a brick of firecrackers.

For five bucks, you generally could buy this

This giant package of all these little packages of firecrackers.

It would be like a pack of ten firecrackers.

And it'd be a whole giant long brick of those.

And some excessive fools would always light the whole brick at once.

And that was always fun.

And it'd be firecrackers.

Firecrackers everywhere lit off through the night.

And then the next morning of July 5th.

You'd get up early and you'd go cruising the gutters of the street.

And you'd find the firecrackers that did not go off.

And it was great.

You know, it's kind of like when you see bums hunting for cigarettes.

It was kind of like that.

But with firecrackers.

But a lot of fun.

I used to love a lot of the fireworks they don't make anymore today.

Like, they had this crazy one called Smokin' Joe.

And it was basically a cardboard box.

It looked like a hobo.

There's a picture of a hobo on it.

And there was a hole where his mouth would be.

And you stuck this firework that basically just was a smoke bomb.

But it looked like he was smoking a cigar.

So while everybody else was, you know, lighting off their fountains and whatnot.

You had this cardboard hobo smoking a cigar.

It was very beautiful.

They had another one called the Smokin' Semi.

With the same idea, but it was like a semi-truck.

And it was smoking through the time.

Top exhaust pipe.

But you don't see those anymore.

I think their research revealed that those kind of sucked.

And they stopped making them.

But they do still make the snakes.

Those little black aspirins that you light.

And it makes a snake.

And it destroys your driveway.

I always hated when kids decided to write their name with sparklers.

The old school sparklers with the metal sticks.

They're really shitty now.

They're like these weird incense things that sparkle a little bit.

But the old school sparklers.

Were like a metal stick.

With the chemicals laced on it.

And then it got super hot.

And then you could take the phosphorus flame at the end.

And use it to write your name on the sidewalk.

Or write some foul phrase of some sort.

Or just something really offensive.

But that was always a lot of fun.

And you also had those ground blossoms.

They go.

It makes like the colored flower.

I always like those a lot.

You get about three or four of those together.

But you can't.

When you live in California for the most part.

There's some areas that you can't even buy fireworks.

If it's a fire hazard around there.

A lot of dry country.

But the ones you can buy.

They're called safe and sane fireworks.

They're completely sane.

There's no mental illness issues with the fireworks.

You could buy at these Red Devil or TNT.

Factory brand.

I think Phantom fireworks is another one that we see around here.

And these four guys have to sit in these wooden boxes.

Selling fireworks here in Sacramento.

Where it's over a hundred degrees.

And there's no electricity in these things.

So they're just sitting there cooking.

Sweating to death.

Trying to get that 20% profit that will go to help their volleyball team.

Go to Colorado or something like that.

It's very miserable.

But.

Yeah, the safe and sane.

One of the things I found that people do here to get around.

There's the Piccolo Pete.

This is a firework that it's basically like a.

Oh, it's about the size of a magic marker and you light it.

It's got a plastic stand so that it'll be upright.

And then all of this force comes up through it and it screams really loud.

It whistles really loud.

It doesn't sound that horrible.

Like I just duplicated it there.

It whistles really loud.

So the trick is, is you get like a C-clamp or a pliers of some sort and you and you

completely crush the front end of it so much that what happens is when you light

it, the force of the the flame and the screaming can't make it out.

So it just blows up.

So that that is a way that you can make something explosive out of a formerly

safe and sane firework.

I really did.

When I was a kid, they kind of phased out some of the things called Roman candles.

It was like this big, giant fucking log that you'd hold in your hands.

And it would shoot fireballs out of it.

And we shoot them at each other.

Why did they take that off the market?

That's that's crazy, isn't it?

Can't believe it.

So.

Anyhow, I thought anything was happening to me today.

Wait a minute. Do you guys hear that?

Oh, my gosh.

It's time for retro crush boy.

Now we'll play some boy's mail and read some emails to it'll be great.

So just sit back and listen to the email and stuff.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sorry. Anyway.

We actually don't have any voicemail today.

And I don't even have the phone number that you can call, but I will set one up.

Trust me on that one.

But you can send email to the retro crush mailbag at R.B.E.R.R.Y.

at retro crush dot com or drop me a line on Facebook.

That might be kind of cool.

You know, you know that.

And but yeah, we did get a nice email from Jackie Ronan, who said,

you know, thanks for bringing back the podcast.

It was a great blast from the past.

And Andrew Jones also sent us a nice thing as well.

He said that the podcast is crazy,

wack, funky and it sounded like MC Hammer on crack and no higher praise.

No higher praise could come from that.

Listen, I would like to take a break in and sing a song for you here.

For folks.

One of my favorite New Order songs.

It's called Bizarre Love Triangle, and it's about a triangle guys in love

with a triangle and it's very bizarre that he's in love with a triangle

because that's basically it's not just interspecies dating,

but it's like inter shape dating the shape of a human and a shape of a triangle.

It was just not meant to be.

But let's explore.

Let's play this song together and let's bring out its its its inner meaning.

Every time I think of you, I feel shot right through with a bolt of glue.

It's a problem of mine.

It's a problem I find.

Living a life that I can't leave.

Behind.

There's no sense in telling me the wisdom of a fool won't set you free.

That's the way that it goes.

And it's what nobody knows.

Well, every day my confusion grows.

Every time I see you falling, get down on my knees and pray.

Waiting for that final moment.

You say the words that I can't say.

I feel fine and I feel good.

I'm feeling like I never should.

Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say.

Can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?

I'm not sure what this could mean.

I don't think you're.

What you seem.

I admit to myself that if I hurt someone else, they'll never see just what we're meant to be.

Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray.

I'm waiting for that final moment.

You say the words that I can't say.

Every time I see you falling.

I get down on my knees and pray.

Wait.

I think I fucked this dog up, but

I think that happened from the moment I started singing it.

For the two of you that are still listening to this podcast.

Thanks. Thanks for hanging in there.

Woo.

So anyway, that's about all the time we have for today's show.

I'm not going to just fill out time here for no reason.

I want to make sure that you're enjoying this.

But but I do appreciate.

You being there for me.

And I appreciate all the kind words and please keep them coming.

And I honestly, if you're ever anywhere close to Sacramento, please let me know.

I would love to have you in one of my one of my shows.

I'll tell you,

let's see, July 13th is the next retro crush show at the Sacramento Comedy Spot

at eight o'clock.

I would love to have you come out there for that.

I'll also be at a show

on July 17th at Tommy T's in Rancho Cordova.

I will be hosting

Diego Curiel, a great comic here in town.

He's got a show called Go Diego Go.

And I will be guest hosting for him.

And we've got a great lineup on that show.

Let me tell you who's going to be on that show.

We've got let's see, Michael Patton, very funny comic, one of my favorite comics.

He's a very sweet guy.

Johnny Taylor.

He's like he's a rock star here in Sacramento.

Jacqueline Wyand, an incredible comedian.

Very funny.

She's a lot of fun.

Very good, dark, self-depreciating sense of humor that I love.

We got Stephen Fury,

up and coming star here in Sacramento and Mr. Daniel Humburger, one of the friendliest

I know. But so that's July 17th at Rancho Cordova's Tommy T's.

And then July 19th on Friday, I will be performing

at the Lockdown Brew Pub in Folsom, California.

Guest to be announced by Stephanie Garcia from the The Real Funny Housewives

of Rio Linda puts that show on.

And then I'm really excited about July 24th.

I'm going to be hosting Johnny Taylor's Comedy Kills show at the Punchline

in Sacramento on How in Arden.

Check out this lineup.

Not only have Johnny Taylor, of course, it's his show.

I'm going to be hosting the show.

And we've got retro crush longtime friend Keith Lowell Jensen is going to be there.

We've got Lance Woods, one of the funniest dudes in Sacramento.

His his mixture of crowd work and stage performance is without parallel.

I've got Kareem Daniels is going to be there.

Jessica Wellington is going to be there.

She's fantastic.

She hosts the open mic comedy Monday nights at the Comedy Spot.

And very funny.

DJ Sandu is going to be there.

Michael Sella, he's going to be a guest on an upcoming retro crush.

They're extremely funny guy.

And Daniel Hamburger will be there as well.

And like I said, every every second Saturday, I'm hosting the Retro Crush show.

And also at November 1st, 2nd and 3rd, I'll be hosting a series.

And

I'm going to be hosting the Retro Crush show on the Fox Unlimited in Old Town Sacramento.

So thank you so much for tuning in.

We're going to be doing a couple of these a week to get you in the mood.

So I hope you come back and we'll work out the subscription issues

so that you can subscribe straight through iTunes.

But if you just go to the retro crush website, we'll have a podcast link near

the top of the page.

And if you want to get into that stuff,

I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

I've had some Trader Joe's whiskey for nine ninety nine.

You could get whiskey from Trader Joe's.

It's very, very cool to drink whiskey.

And I'm going to play a few more songs here for you on our way out here.

This is a song from the Rolling Stones album, Let It Bleed.

Fantastic album, one of my favorite album

covers.

And of course, it's got Gimme Shelter, Let It Bleed,

you know, some other good songs like that.

But but they did a cover of their own honky tonk woman, a really great sort

of backwoodsy version of honky tonk woman called Country Honk.

And I think you'll like it here.

It's.

It's a very good song.

And this one is called Let It Bleed.

Yeah.

Let It Bleed.

I'm sitting at my door in Jackson and on the street.

Just

the city.

I do.

But

That's pretty cool, huh?

Next up we've got, there's a White Stripes song from Icky Thump called Conquest.

And they made a Spanish version of it called Conquista.

Conquista

And lastly, as far as songs go, I would like to play for you the theme song to The Jeffersons.

It's probably one of my favorite theme songs for a TV show.

It's very energetic.

And I would like to play you the rare version that I recorded that was never used on the show.

Because I just recorded it.

Right now as I'm playing the track for you.

Here we go.

Here it comes.

Well, we're moving on up to the east side.

To a team like the Bumpin' in the Sky.

Moving on up to the east side.

We finally got a piece of land.

Up high.

Fish don't fry with the chicken.

Beans don't burn on the grill.

Took a whole lot of time again.

Just to get off that hill.

Now we're up in the big league.

Taking our turn at best.

Long way living.

You and me, baby.

Ain't nothing more than that.

We're moving on up to the east side.

To a team like the Bumpin' in the Sky.

Moving on up to the east side.

We finally got a piece of the pie.

Thank you again for listening to the Retro Crush podcast.

My name is Robert Berry.

I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Won't you come to Sacramento?

Enjoy a show.

I'll buy you a drink.

We could be best friends.

We were meant to be together, you and me.

We have something special.

Let's not blow this.

There's something there.

You can't deny it.

You can taste it.

You can feel it.

You can see it, hear it, taste it.

It's like Kellogg's honey and nut cornflakes.

Only it's love.

It's L-O-B-E love.

It's palpable.

It's in the air.

It's magical.

It's magic.

You can touch it.

You can cut out a simplicity pattern and make a bikini out of it and a bonnet and a summer dress.

There's so much love.

You can do that kind of stuff with it there.

I don't even know what any of that means, but I think it means that I love you.

And if you're listening to this podcast, you can feel my love pressing against your thigh,

unwanted and uncontrollably.

But I think you know it's the best intentions.

It's not done out of malice or any horrific poltergeist origin there.

And I'm going to leave you today with a really cool version of the Beatles' Helter Skelter.

This was presented in the Anthology three-disc set that they released with the BBC as a part of the documentary they did, the Beatles Anthology.

And this was a really cool...

This was a really cool alternate take of Helter Skelter that they did not end up using,

but a totally different beginning and arrangement to it that I think works really well and compliments the original nicely.

So thank you again so much.

We'll be back.

150 episodes!

Holy shit!

What a great thing.

And we'll be back with episode 151.

Before you know it, again, we're going to try two of these a week.

I don't know which days they'll be.

It'll probably be different days depending on when.

But we're going to...

Two episodes a week.

You've got my promise.

And I've actually done two within a week.

So that's pretty good.

Because I make a lot of promises I can't keep, folks.

But you've got this promise will be kept.

I'm a promise keeper.

And not in the wacko religious type of way.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this.

But thank you so much.

Here's the Beatles' Helter Skelter alternate version.

Do you don't want me to love you?

I'm coming down fast for the minds of all of you.

Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer.

Maybe you're not, but you ain't no damn star.

I buried Paul.

I really don't.

You've gotta hurt me.

No, I don't want to hurt you.

Sure, go on over on my calendar.

And I'll ask you me first.

The loves areamento is killing you.

And I don't want the losses to play a part in this.

So stop it right now.

Until that time comes I'm gonna

taped off.

See you later.

Bye-bye.

Bye.