Puzzling Evidence – September 6, 2024

KPFA

KPFA - Puzzling Evidence

Keep it rolling in case something falls.

Right.

And it hits me.

What is this?

I'd like you to stay.

We're going to eat your chips.

I'm hungry.

I'm not convinced anyone is listening.

Hello?

You hear anybody out there?

Hello?

See?

I don't hear anyone.

Pow, pow, pow, pow.

All right, let's see it.

I got to get to work on this.

Build a set for the show.

When it gets done, though, your socks are going to be done.

You are not hungry.

I'm hungry.

knocked but it might take a little while here so

lemonade this is the part where um you really need your help right that intrudes right in the

middle of it i hope that there's a way i don't want to lose all my faith in humanity that there's

still a way to buy your way that's part of the new station i that's supposed to make it better

now as it turns out i didn't lose all of my faith in humanity we'll just have to call the officials

and don't understand there's one human out there i still have faith how come you don't understand

the show what about the show though don't you understand it's perfectly clear michael pepe

so disgusting i'm disgusted i'm on the

this is not mind control not long ago in oakland california there was show

oh see now you got really uh michael pepe i mentioned him and that's what happened this

was recorded earlier no oh no yes yes no oh no yes is it a yes is it a pass or fail is it a yes

or is it a no

it's yes

sounds like each and every star and planet out there are setting out their own signals

science

join the wolfman jack science

i just gotta get my head right

catch a nice long sleep and the boy will go back to his forest

back to his fireflies

is he asleep

it's like vampires

once it's in you

it stays

what stays puzzling evidence joe

something radio

lindsey laughs at

it's up

no it's okay right

don't you worry you're pretty low head over there

it's got echo it's got game

i don't know what to tell you

i know i'm working on it

yeah then they'll get back to you

let's get back to the woods

see you in the next episode of the wolfman jack science show

In San Francisco's colorful Mission District.

Oh my gosh, look, it's the second coming of Jesus Bob Payne.

But no one looks up from his personal devices as Jesus Bob Payne comes streaming radiantly down through the clouds.

The dreadful judge spreads his throne in middle heaven, but finally they notice something's going on

and they hold up their phones to take pictures to the blazing sky for the last day of the earth, the day of wrath.

When the dead come out of their graves.

I'm going to take a squint at Runo's tomb.

Wow, check it out.

We're surrounded.

I just killed one.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Let's keep going.

Okay, Rob, behind you.

What?

No, don't shoot.

It's a listener.

Damn, I just got rid of one.

I can't seem to get the other seven.

Who would turn off this show?

Yeah, I know, really.

Let's call up everyone.

Until we find out who it was.

Where's your cell phone?

I'm going to start calling.

Start with the A's.

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't matter if you like me on Facebook.

It doesn't show up on YouTube.

Yeah.

And apparently, that disqualifies you from everything.

Like Puzzling Events on YouTube and subscribe to them on Facebook.

I think that's right.

So that went nowhere.

Still need a hammer.

Driving.

Hitting yourself over the edge.

But you're right, you know, pretending to listen is the greatest gift.

Damn.

Cut with a new knife.

Two, three.

That's the way the show is.

It just makes you want to be there all night, especially if you're one of our favorite callers.

It was in the subgenius in 1970.

Seventy-five.

And the hearty Kyle Silver.

Yes, the Lone Ranger.

And his faithful Indian companion, Tonto.

Whoa.

Yes, I'm afraid so.

We're on old-timey radio now.

With Foley people and scripts.

But where was your question, Colin?

Well, we were waiting for it to come flying in there somewhere.

It never came in.

The Ranger's busy now, so we're going to shoot it in.

Can you hear me, kid?

We can hear you.

Colonel Frank.

Even though you don't think we can hear you, sometimes we actually can hear you.

Once in a while.

Yes.

The question is...

Oh, it's just amazing.

Well, it could be.

I'm not surprised.

It's a literary high.

Considering the...

It's...

It's got a wellman.

I don't know.

One should...

These pioneer sketches, the antics of a backwoods gambler,

a matter of gross abysses of taste,

and the flush times of the old Southwest,

landmark in the development of rough-edged American humor tradition.

In 1844, puzzling evidence bounded out of the brush

into American picaresque literature with both...

The Russian hammer built a wall.

John Wayne, John Held, John Law.

I'm sick of all of them.

How about John Held Jr.?

That's all the cash we need.

Oh, my God.

We don't have a second chance.

Now what?

The show has really found itself.

And we're on a train and we're going full steam ahead, peeps.

Hold on.

So great.

Hold it.

Flying saucers from outer space.

Well, that's pretty much what you expect on this show, right?

Well, yeah.

I was just putting that in because, well, now we've done it.

I wouldn't need any space for them.

Really?

I went flying.

When you're out of space, you're out of beer.

I went flying.

Flying.

Flying across the sky.

Flying saucers are flat, inverted bowls that spin rapidly around their axis when in flight.

Approximately 70 feet in diameter, have a slightly domed top and an undercarriage.

The saucer rises slightly to permit a column to emerge with a doorway in its side.

Or in flight, the saucer lowers a flared ray gun which goes in any direction and fires destructive rays.

You know, it's not a long time until you have something of a back to back kind of thing.

Cool.

There it is.

It's a flared ray gun with a black bow.

It's the only one in the space if you didn't know that was there.

Super cool.

Let's look at a tape tape.

I can't fool the sophisticated audience and the a** doctor how show.

Well, you have to have the answers in five bucks.

I know.

You know, all I'm doing, all I'm doing is flapping my lips.

I'm not making any money for the a** doctor how show.

But we are going into people's ears.

We've got it.

Yeah, alright.

It's already started.

We're wasting a lot of time.

I know.

here all right mighty show these big you know that mine well we all came from other places

this is the turn down the sound card they give special turndown service for your room

I'm here for your turndown service

so but you could go in your own theater and Elvis or Marilyn Monroe would be there so that's

what

but you could only program Vegas Elvis

and yeah because it's a broken down hotel

the old

Elvis is there but it just doesn't ever come up so apparently it was a choice once in fact

there was a there's a little warning button was used the most it was a little baby Elvis

I wish to see Alice again

It's a bright morning in London.

It's so good not to have to do show anymore.

But it's such a dangerous game.

Ranting and raving as if anyone cares about your insane...

Well, but of course they do.

They're not gonna forget it.

Now Reagan has a jar of jelly beans.

You really? I kind of like it.

Puzzling evidence. Insegnuendo.

Oh, that's a good one. Now there you go.

Now in the realm of irritating neologisms,

that one is the least irritating.

Remember, K-Rod will be at work.

We can do show all night long.

You might.

Supremacist swindler.

How nice to see these out about.

Oh, man.

Night talk.

And see, we're getting there.

Yeah.

Can't see the whole city yet.

Yeah, because you won't have a view

because all the money will be in the way.

Radio for noir.

It just tickles them if you slice them up and dice them up.

Plenty more where they come from.

Oh, yes, you can slice them up and dice them up.

And they still form.

Night of the planaria.

If only humans had the same abilities.

Oh, they're so cute.

Look, I'm smashing this one.

They thought they could play with planaria.

They thought they were gods.

Bye.

What is the normal position of this group of

annelids in the great chain of being?

Oh, that's interesting.

They're actually called, they are part of the Metazella.

Believe it or not, but they do no harm to humans.

Rather, the harm goes in the other direction.

I just thought the error that no human to them.

We are the monster indeed, but they provide no diseases

or infirmities of the flesh for the human,

unlike other worms, which are quite invasive and intrusive.

And he's in pain.

Yes, that K-Rob show on all night long appears on all shows.

Well, stay here.

All night long.

Eighth grade show.

I know.

It's just like detention.

Jazz hands, everybody.

The problem is just as well as I do.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about now?

Behold, this is mighty show.

You know what the problem is just as well as I do.

Now the show has returned.

I don't know what you're talking about.

For am I not?

Thwop.

Radio program.

And they're way beyond my pay grade.

Wow.

They're free to leave.

Well, I came to space.

You know, I've decided I'm not going to worry if it's above my pay grade.

All, everything's above my pay grade now.

I'm just going to live free and steal what I can from the rich.

Rob loves you.

Oh, am I on?

Yes, I did.

Mind control.

I didn't think we were going to be able to.

This is not mind control.

Oh, am I on?

This is not mind control.

Oh, am I on?

This is not mind control.

Session that we were promised.

We were supposed to have that session.

It should have happened already, but.

That nasty old bed slept in.

Procedures matter.

I thought we could get together and look at some of the models that have been created.

Showing pictures of his messy bedroom.

Yeah, that's just nasty.

And he took his, he took his love to town, you know.

So, um.

With, along with Ruby.

Ruby.

And Ruby.

Take care of the town.

Exactly.

So, uh, anyway.

What is with that song?

Why would Ruby do that?

She's so mean.

Nobody would be like that.

She's just a mean ass.

Because the guy.

B.I.

Otch.

Legs all bent and paralyzed in the crazy Asian war, so she didn't want him no more.

I was talking about Jack Ruby.

Jack Ruby.

Oh, yeah.

Well.

Jack Ruby.

Why did Jack Ruby do that to him?

Yeah.

He was in the city.

In his little apartment.

Why does Jack Ruby want to go to town?

Ruby, don't take your love.

And I, I didn't even know Jack Ruby had this hidden, this sort of.

What love?

I'm sure this kind of love.

What love?

Oh, sorry.

This love was forbidden back in those days.

That was Bob Marley.

Oh, yeah.

This wasn't a true, an open love.

This was a hidden love.

The one that.

The fact.

The act.

The fact.

Bing You just, you just misadventured.

I even thought it was like a epitomized.

George Senator.

Who, who on hearing who.

George Wallace, George Wallace.

Oh, yeah.

Geez, this is.

He's so Crazy.

That was Arthur Emery.

I was looking at a list of my friends.

Wrong place, I'm with you.

Imagine if George Wallace had been elected president.

Oh, man.

And General Curtis LeMay, Vice President.

There's a, there's a, there's an alternate.

No!

That would be wonderful.

An alternate history movie that would be funny.

No!

That would be live!

That would be wonderful.

and taken to an arctic location where she goes underground and she and as she approaches this

disc set in the floor her hand changes into like a monster hand she presses it against the floor

it opens she goes down there and now she's in the hollow earth with pterodactyls and bizarre is she

like a lizard no well her hand is and clump clump clump here comes hitler riding on a tyrannosaurus

rex and says now we can begin the work and the tyrannosaurus goes like heil with his little hand

and sarah gives him a heil back but and that turns it into a with a what don't a what what what

a the finger pardon me i'm sure you can take care of that with and we'll edit that out in

post yeah with the monster hand yet you know and then they take that out of all the different

places i've podcasted and then they say yeah the underground world is amazing

flying pterodactyls and men in black weird cities i'll kick in 20 bucks if they can raise the dough

making fun of what i was thinking of one of the i guess i'll say it again tropes that it shows up a

lot nazis on the moon nazis on the moon hitler on dinosaurs cowboys on dinosaurs i took pictures of

cowboys on dinosaurs i took pictures of the subgenius dinosaurs and subgenius cowboys just

before i here you guys have it in your rubber stamp you know they're just these images we had the you're

We had the cowboy on the dinosaur early on was an early motif.

You bet.

Because it appealed to Dallas boys' cowboy sensibility.

We were riding around.

I'm sure it's all because I read The Haunted Tank.

Plus, we grew up where dinosaurs' footsteps were right within our walking distance of our little homes.

And what about our army at war and star-spangled combat where G.I.s constantly did fight dinosaurs on Pacific Island?

Oh, man, those were awesome.

Yeah, because then I would go live on some islands, and we would go out as 11- and 12-year-olds to the boondocks around us and play those out on the storyboard.

The irony is none of those Pacific Islands actually had dinosaurs because they were geologically more young than they were.

See, comic book artists corrupting.

That's why the Hayes Commission should have just stamped on that thing and said no more cheap paper in America, no more cheap inks.

No more cheap anything.

That way no comic books will ever be made and pollute the minds of people like me.

Well, they practically did anyway.

I know.

And especially Joan of Arc looks so...

Yes, I like those lurid Charles Biro covers.

Those were just so awesome.

Yes, destroyed forever by the Kefauver Commission.

Yeah.

It was against the rules to have the word weird on a comic book cover or show law defeated inside of thigh.

I mean, there was a whole list of things that...

Right.

...could not...

Crime suspense stories, no more of those.

The word crime itself could not be on the cover of a comic book according to the comic book code.

I have a whole big collection of the digital version of those crime suspense stories.

They're awesome.

Oh, those were wonderful.

Those were EC, crime suspense stories.

But the Charles Biro ones, though, were a lot meaner in a way.

Yeah, crime.

That was just crime, wasn't it?

Yeah.

They were supposed to be cautionary tales showing you that crime does not pay.

But that was the last panel, and the rest of the whole story was the gangster running amok and doing whatever he wanted.

Digital Comics Museum.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You can join it for free, and they've got thousands and thousands of public domain comic books.

You know, after a certain number of years, these comic books, pre a certain era, can all be put on the Internet now.

No, Lord.

I'll never have time to do anything.

Yeah.

Once I discover that.

I won't be holding those comics in my hands, will I?

And online, with the comics in your hand.

That's true.

And that's the unfun of all of this.

It doesn't matter.

It's moving on, and you can get so much more for your money now.

And a footnote, but there was nothing like holding the stinky comic in your hand at your friend's house.

Because at my house, comics were a bare ball.

There's a huge pile on the bed or somewhere of Superman comics.

Now, go to Digital Comics Museum if you're a comics lover.

You know what?

At some point, the computer will be able to spritz in your face the smell of the cheap...

The old newsprint.

It's the best site for downloading free public domain Golden Age comics.

We brought you kids out here to see the farm and the animals, and all you do is sit up in that room reading those comics.

All files here have been researched by our staff and users...

Yes, Father.

There's a choice here.

Read the comics.

...to make sure they are copyrighted.

To start downloading, just register an account and enjoy these great comic books.

Books, Mom.

It says books.

Yes, these are books.

Tell your mother these are books.

They count as books.

Well, they have to be read, don't they?

I mean, they are books.

Or they're at least literature.

You can go and see, like, Ace Comics and their baffling mysteries.

Affling?

Oh, baffling, yeah, baffling mysteries, as if a mystery wasn't baffling, you know, oh, this mystery is not remotely baffling, but it's still a mystery somehow, yeah, I'd like to see how that works.

Anyway...

And all the Charlton comics are out there?

I believe that was pronounced...

What were Charlton's?

That was pronounced Carlton, I think.

Carlton, right.

And they were terrible.

They were even worse than the other comics.

But kids didn't know that.

Kids pronounced it Charlton.

Some kids.

And they loved him.

And they were...

That's probably exactly why my parents hated comics.

They did have Steve Ditko's Gorgo comics and other weird things.

Yes.

Who had Kona, Monarch of Monster Isle?

Was that a Carlton comic?

Do you remember Kona, Monarch of Monster Isle?

Yeah, I do.

Those haywire, insane, beyond psychedelic vision that could be...

I don't know.

They had no idea of moderation.

So they just kept piling on the impossibilities.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm sure I read them because I remember that stupid...

The underground, undersea world of giant dinosaurs where the muscle-bound, blonde muscle man,

Kona, lives, is invaded by giant sharks and giant insects.

And suddenly everything's giant.

Everything's totally out of the...

You know, the sharks are eating the dinosaurs, eating the insects.

You know?

They're trying to deal with it all.

The subgenius world.

That's what's probably at the bottom of that lake where you guys have your secret so-called X-Day meetings.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, Kona was a Dell title.

Dell, huh?

Right.

Primitive weapons are the only hope.

Can Kona defeat the monster cat?

Page 13.

Monster cat?

If he can defeat a 60-foot dinosaur, I'm sure he can defeat a monster cat.

Although, I don't know, a monster cat might move faster than that.

The character was created during...

The character was created during a period of transition for Dell Comics.

Up until 1962, Dell had been the official comic book publisher for Western Publishing,

the licensor for Walt Disney, Hanna-Barbera, and Warner Brothers, among others.

This relationship ended when Western made the decision to start its own comic book publishing company, Gold Key Comics.

But Dell was still doing comic book versions of Warner Brothers project runs,

considering the fact that they were considered the inferior comic book company.

And they had the Space Family Robinson, which later was sort of lost in space,

but this was where it first appeared as a comic, you know, like the Swiss Family Robinson, only they're in space.

They had Mighty Sampson.

You remember him?

New York is destroyed by nuclear holocaust, but he's living there with the horrible mutant animals.

Mighty Sampson.

Or the...

Or the opposite of that, where you go into the future, Magnus Robot Fighter.

The guy who fights robots barehanded and somehow disables them, and they go squee when they die.

Do you remember that squee sound they would make?

But what about...

Dr. Solar, man of the atom.

Before you get too far off a Kona, let's talk...

Greenish, glowing scientist who can hover in a lab coat.

The monarch of Monster Isle, who ran only 21 issues.

He's kind of like...

Marvel imitated him with Kezar.

Kezar, that's right.

But...

A Kona came first.

The series was plotted by Don Seagull.

Kezar Stadium.

There are some great fans of Kona, Monarch of Monster Isle, including...

Ivan Stang, who likes it more than I did.

Well, don't forget.

Think about this.

Kona saves the lives of Dr. Henry Dodd, his daughter Mary, and his grandchildren Mason and Lily.

His daughter Mary.

You know she's gonna be in there.

After this group crashes this armor surplus blimp on the prehistoric Pacific island...

Why would he have to crash a blimp on the dinosaur film?

Kona becomes their protector and saves them from many huge animals and monsters.

Instead of feeding them to the monsters, taking Mary...

Dr. Dodd, which is obviously a pale cover for the name Dobbs.

Yes, he was similar.

It's obvious a character...

It's so obvious.

He had a pith helmet.

So obvious.

Dr. Dodd and his family eventually escaped from the island, but later returned to get Kona after this.

Once you've been there, you have to come back.

Kona travels the world with them as their protector.

Which ruined the series.

Now there are no more dinosaurs and monsters.

They're in Duluth, Minnesota.

You know, that's not so exciting.

Yeah, but they had the Duluth perambulator.

Oh, he's punching gangsters in Duluth.

That's not as good as fighting a Tyrannosaurus with a tree branch back on the island.

They had some good monsters in Duluth.

They had that legless maniac that hung around the lake area.

The giant muscle-bound guy can't deal with a legless maniac by the lake?

Yeah, but he had extra arms.

He was legless, but he had four arms.

You see, nature compensated in his case.

Well, I guess he did have an advantage.

But nonetheless...

Kona could have taken him on if he really wanted to bad enough.

It's funny how all these muscle-bound characters are sort of stupid.

And that's an ancient tradition going back to Hercules.

Yeah, that's brute.

Hercules was good-hearted but dumb and was super strong.

Well, the same with Kona, monarch of Monster Isle.

He was the king of Khazar, of the Lost Land.

That's kind of what I liked about Steve Reeves' depiction of Hercules

because he had a little bit of intelligence, you know.

Just a slight bit.

He wasn't that dumb, but he was still...

He was still a dumb, brutish monkey boy.

Like when Alcestis died and Admetus found out Hercules was there.

He said, oh, I guess I have to invite him in even though my wife is just dead.

But, you know, just entertain him.

I don't want to have to do anything.

And so he gets really drunk and he's making embarrassing remarks and cracks.

Well, it's still quiet around here.

It's like somebody died.

Don't you understand?

Our master's wife died.

Oh, it's my face red.

It's my countenance crimson.

So he goes down to hell, tears open the doors, you know,

kicks Cerberus out of the way,

drags Alcestis back to the land of the living with his super strength.

Here, I'm sorry I made everybody unhappy.

Now she's back, okay?

Is this okay now?

Is everything all right?

You forgive me now?

This is not mine, Commander.

It could help.

Yeah.

Showing off. I'm so great, I've even got the nuclear football. See? Whoops, oops, it will.

Oh, oh.

I like this part of the movie, too, because they're going through that show library, and all the shows are in little plexi-boxes.

I don't like it when they kill the show.

I could give them a...

Surely you're going to need matches if you're going to do this.

You're buying cigarettes, right?

And just generally, what if you were walking down a street in New York, and suddenly there was nobody, and there was gold, and you had to survive?

You would have those matches.

You might even just use the matches to get more money.

You might have to start a whole new civilization, but the matches would get you there.

For our matchless friends.

The matches would get you there.

They would fight off the zombies.

It would be the start.

Yeah.

The start of a whole new civilization.

And I'm becoming a white ass.

It was just a match from the seven matches in the magic.

Draw wings.

But also, I like them because of the weird draw this. Remember the pirate guy?

Oh, yeah.

I killed people with the fake oneings.

It's just insane.

The whole thing is so nuts.

Okay.

Now I've gone in to separate rants on...

Save me, Doug.

You know, there's going to be people upset.

Of course, no one's listening, but there's going to be people upset.

So, you know, change the subject or something.

Or respond.

I think there's going to be computers that are going to be upset.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you argue against me?

Listen to this, folks.

Is he, like, arguing against me as host and leader of the show?

Not how you think you feel.

Yeah.

Or how you'd like to feel.

That's not Doug, by the way.

What does this kind of thing do to real people?

I don't know, pal.

I don't know.

I'm frightened.

Consider this like what show does to real people.

I'm scared to know.

I'm scared to even.

Other than drive them away, nothing.

Some of them listen.

A few of them chat, but we suspect those may be, you know,

just people that want us to feel better rather than people that are actually listening.

But.

Let's see.

Do I have any other rants?

Well, I won't do those.

Well, the celebritocracy.

How about the country being run by celebrities?

How about the Internet and the Twitterverse and the Facebookverse being run by celebrities

who want to get into politics like Reagan, like Schwarzenegger,

like, you know, and like, what's his name, Trump, and yet, and yet, I don't know.

Celebrities used to not be anywhere near this important in life.

It's pathetic.

All they do, you know what actors do, folks, what actors do is they show up, first of all.

That's the most important thing.

And then they do, they open doors, walk down hallways, look to the left, look to the right,

look down, eat a meal.

They, most of it is nothing.

And then there's a little teensy little bit of talent that you have to cram into about five minutes of your role.

Like, you know, even the biggest roles are like 15, Nicholson in Batman probably did 15 minutes of that on screen.

Not, maybe not that, and I'm not putting down Nicholson, but he's the greatest of all.

But for most actors, it's easy.

Acting is the easiest art.

And it says here, go ahead, complain, call the show, get on the chat line.

It says here, let's chit chat.

Let's hear from all you wonderful artists out there, actors.

No one is chatting.

I know.

What is Pepe's point?

They're intimidated.

They're just backed up against the corners of their room.

Even the great VJ Pussycat is just terrified.

She's shaking, goose pimples.

But this is, as Hal would say, we give it to you straight, folks.

This is the hard-hitting copy that you expect from that show.

Doug, do you have anything to add, Doug?

Oh, no, no, this is my show.

There's nothing at all.

You know.

Aren't you going to complain about anything?

You think everything's fine?

Yeah.

OK.

Everything's just Jim Dandy.

With KPFA's puzzling evidence.

Hal, a cult classic.

What can I do to help the drugs?

Will show turn you on?

No, Phineas, you shouldn't call in if you have to whisper.

Nobody can be a show whisperer.

I think we need to draw the line somewhere.

Are you sure you've got Phineas on this device?

Yeah.

We, as Philo pointed out, once we use this device for a communications device.

It's like a phaser, but it's the size of a building.

That'd be great.

Set building to stun.

Yeah, it takes about eight hours.

So hold on, monsters.

Just wait.

But there can be a phaser.

Like the monolith monsters?

Yeah.

Oh, OK.

We'll just blow it up then, sir.

Well, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's

a, it's a, it's a, it's a phaser.

Well, it's a, it might, there might be something valuable in here.

And the movie's starting, man.

Be quiet.

Got any popcorn?

Sorry, wait, wait.

We've been waiting for the feature presentation.

Yeah.

This is the feature presentation.

Got any popcorn?

Is there a microwave here?

When you hear me do the videos, then your imagination is a director.

We need to grind popcorn.

Oh, wait.

I'm the director?

Or my, my, my imagination is the director?

No, you, you.

Your imagination that runs here.

Oh, OK.

It starts with a simple twist.

Which is better.

It starts with a simple twist.

Which is better.

Which is better than actually seeing the tape.

Adding layers of people.

Oh, I get it.

That's what he watches the videos and then relates them to you on the morning drive.

That makes up the world problem.

Um, .

Yes, sir.

Cut.

How the war got started

How one can only guess

And the truth don't mean nothing

At a time when your boy is normal

If you ain't got the cash

Yes, sir.

The credit card mommy

An invisible doubt

Current opportunities

That you never had

I'm hearing music in my headphones.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

After my...

Pictures...

The pictures arrived...

Quiet.

Though the evening itself

Had hardly been...

Keep walking.

Worth the price of my now withered hope

Thank you.

Okay.

That the...

Photos would nevertheless

Reveal the perfect...

Perfection I had...

1994 was clearly a year of change.

There's no question...

There's no certainty...

You see, you're a wizard.

Gospel.

How many hours a day?

Do you watch TV?

Not one.

One?

Why?

Of course not.

Because it's not much...

To worry.

Much...

Much.

It's not much to look at, huh?

Yeah.

How many hours a day did you say you watched TV?

Twelve.

Do you watch TV 12 hours a day?

Oh, I like TV.

Tuesday is about 3.

Yesterday, Sunday 12-14.

12-14 hours on a week...

Really? How many hours a day would you say you watch TV?

About five, six, you know, almost the whole night, really.

Yeah? You like it a lot?

Yeah, there's nothing else to do, just watch TV.

Uh-huh.

I'm an internet service provider here in Dallas, Texas.

Oh, my!

You're the best friends anybody ever had.

And it's funny, but I feel as if I've known you all the time.

Hey, wait a minute. Before you say that, you've got to tell us before we look at this video

I'll sprinkle, I'll sprinkle, I'll sprinkle.

What is an internet?

I'll holler, holler.

I'll go crazy.

I'm on my way to Emerald City to get here with her.

You get the wizard, you get the wizard, you get the wizard.

What is an internet?

I've got to see the wizard, the good witch in the North

side me.

Close your eyes, follow the yellow brick road.

What is internet anyway?

What do you say that out loud?

Follow the yellow brick road.

What did you do if you didn't have TV?

12 hours you don't watch TV and you sleep about 8 hours a day.

That doesn't leave much time to do anything else.

Yeah, my mother said I'm a TV addict.

Follow the yellow brick road.

You get the wizard, you get the wizard, you get the wizard.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Follow the yellow brick road.

We want to see the wizard.

We want to see the wizard right away.

We're getting here, we're getting here.

We're getting here in the heart.

Internet is, uh, oh my.

Alison, can you explain what internet is?

Please clarify.

Why is the network disconnected?

What's happening?

16 minutes to go.

Thank you.

And then to this strange conglomeration of sounds.

All these years I've been studying.

I guess we must have to let somebody around the country talk right now.

Five, four, ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.

You're on camera, Mr. President.

Good evening.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

My fellow Americans.

It's time, though.

Imrin.

It's hard to say yes to a show.

And have a series of just-say-yes clubs for the show.

Mrs. Reagan, what do I do?

I just say yes club.

Could you close the closet door?

Close your eyes and count to five.

Sometimes it works for me.

One.

Two.

What the hell was that?

Two.

Three.

What's wrong with you?

Four.

Please, open the door!

Four.

I'm fine.

What happens when you get to six?

Six.

Disconnect.

Look in the closet.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

And if, you know, if you're...

You could probably go to the Puzzling Evidence Show.

Speculate on who...

It's for the morning show.

Your transmission is being interfered with.

Not again.

I hate this new...

I like this new world where all your phone calls are swept and the police interfere with your transmission instead of...

We're interrupting your internet to steal your phone records.

We're interrupting your everything. But don't worry, we're not actually taking the text that you're typing.

Just everything else. All the metadata. Not anything important.

Yes, this is the new, the new, new U.S.

Why would you want to waste your hot air on this program?

He reported unanticipated contact with an unknown...

It's all in the reflexes.

If you know your party's extensive...

Oh, come on, I'm hearing that music. It's hearing. Let's go!

What are you giving him?

It's my commentary. I want it to go national.

Even.

Even to the people you hate.

Climbing over my package B, I grabbed my five pound classmate, the one with the big enough...

Something's gone in my throat.

What are you talking about?

Man, that's it. Can you just press stop?

Thank you.

I gotta find that song. I gotta find it.

Perhaps.

I left it.

You will.

Over there, I think.

Under that.

Oh, uh, would you get that? I can't reach it.

It's broken.

It'll never play now.

So disappointing.

See, you, you, you're...

It's always one thing. You gotta diversify.

Once again, you're putting all your eggs in one moldy old basket.

What?

And so is yours, by the way.

Hazel Sloan died this week.

Who's Hazel Sloan?

Oh, my God. That's me.

Hazel Sloan is the most evil woman in the history of...

That's my landlady!

I have hated her...

Aunt Bertha?

Yeah.

My landlady, she's so evil!

She's the only woman I have ever married...

Just talking about her.

I hate her more than any woman that ever lived.

Because she hooked you off. Because she hooked you off the stage.

No, no, fella.

Yes, and that she...

Ed hooked me off.

I have figured out that the number of her steps, approximately two and a half feet each,

coming out of the back door of the building,

if I dropped a very heavy stone from my height at five, the fifth floor...

No, no, no.

Pepe, you'd be hooked off the porch before you even got there.

No, no, no.

Get the hook.

I'm gonna hook him off the radio.

I'm gonna hook this guy right off the radio.

The stone would hit her head at exactly the right moment if I led her properly.

That's the question.

How do you lead somebody from five floors up at 32 feet per second per second?

Practice, practice, practice.

I really did. I hated her so much.

Every time you went through the lobby, she always had to make the same joke.

Yes.

The same joke every day.

Where's the rent?

When are you going to pay the rent?

Where's the rent?

Every day.

If I go out three times, she says it three times.

I like not this Pepe.

After day, year after year, for 12 years, she's been making the same joke.

Is she still there?

She died last week.

I love you.

Is she still there?

Yes.

Is there a ghost or something?

The Wicked Witch is dead.

Actually, they've left an incredible note on the elevator.

Beautiful.

On YouTube, you can see Michael Pepe dancing on her grave.

Oh, such a relief.

Hazelnut toast.

And I put graffiti on it.

I put a nasty thing on it.

And so I left a graffiti on the note of Bernadette, you know, that, well, how's it going?

I don't know.

So, what you're saying is, you were invited to the funeral, but didn't go?

No.

I left it for tomorrow afternoon.

I don't know what to do.

Let's all go.

It will be a cacophony event.

I'm going to channel her right now.

I'm going to channel that woman right now.

A nightmare.

Where's the rent?

Take a rent.

Hey, the rent.

Oh, take the rent.

Take the rent.

Hey, the rent.

Where's the rent?

And she'd laugh.

Where's the rent?

I think I was late once, and she's paying me back for 12 years.

Oh, God.

Horrible.

You want to go out the back door if you can.

Just to avoid the joke.

You can repossess, too, but don't rent it.

She became an adult actress later.

Lionel Barrymore.

Everybody becomes an adult actress later.

You know, the girl that twisted her head around behind me.

Linda Blair.

Lady Fair.

What adult actress?

What's wrong with my hair?

I'm washing Maccapepe's mind here.

You can just spend your way out of hell.

That's right.

I bought a new truck with me.

Cyclone.

I have to get them back.

Don Paul has them.

Oh, what?

What does he have?

Oh, well, now, good luck.

Can you back it up?

I want to hear.

He was talking about Don Paul and Cyclone.

Okay.

But all these other people, why do these people die?

Why does anyone die?

This is important stuff.

It's important for people to know why people die.

Why anything.

And there you go again.

There we go.

We've got Michael Pepe's soul now.

And we're packaging it for sale on Amazon.

I'm free?

The joke was when you got the little flyers from Safeway, you know, each month with the deals,

she'd say,

There is no safe way.

That's great.

How could you not have this all the way?

There is no safe way.

And I would have to laugh, of course, pretending it was funny.

Again, it's like hell.

It's like getting in hell, having to laugh at the same joke.

No exit.

Well, you know, you have those hell checks now.

It's John Paul Sartre.

No exit.

I bought a new truck with me.

I used to buy hell checkbooks.

Oh, yeah.

I have them.

I still have them.

I still have those, yeah.

You should be spending them as fast as possible.

Hell checks.

You're probably going to spend them all.

Well, I have a whole box full of fake money.

The count is endless.

Everyone does, yeah.

But all these other people, why do these people die?

Gay and who?

Gershon Leghorn.

Gershon Leghorn?

I agree.

What's he talking about?

Gershon Leghorn.

Yeah, and Garson Kanan.

Who is that?

Gordon's wife.

I mean, they used to sit around and sip on hard liquor in their living room and write

movies like Adam's Rib.

That's how the pitch tweaking is done.

What are you talking about?

What are these two people?

Who are they?

Hashhorn?

Hold on for a minute here.

And within minutes, leaping off the roof of the United Nations building to land on the

invisible wing of the robot plane is the red and gold form of Wonder Woman.

As the magnificent solar-powered vehicle begins a dizzying climb into the stratosphere,

as the magnificent solar-powered vehicle begins a dizzying climb into the stratosphere,

racing the arms and might of the world's greatest nations to disaster.

It's like surgery. I'm like a damn surgeon.

Look at this.

You know, I'm really hungry.

Okay, you've got it.

You know what this reminds me of?

Puzzling evidence, Joe.

I've never seen it.

I've only seen the little one minute that Stang...

I don't know.

This Humphrey Bogart himself was there.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

That Stang used, you know.

I say that for 40 years.

Oh, yeah.

Baby.

No, but a long time.

I mean, 20, I said.

I'm calling to protest something.

What?

I am protesting stupid's day.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, because he yanked him out of the showbiz years ago.

What's the problem?

No, I'll tell you what.

Wait, wait.

It takes stupidity too lightly,

and it makes fun of stupidity,

and stupidity is one of the great religious quantities of our age.

It's the basis of all religions.

If you haven't been paying attention every year,

I tell you every year, and you don't listen.

No, it's true.

This fight has been going on for years.

For centuries, between Michael Pepe and Bishop Joey.

That's right.

Well, it is.

And Michael Pepe's not even a religious person.

Bishop Joey is, of course, a completely religious person.

You know, I'm surprised I'm saying this,

because I do believe in every facet of the St. Stupid's church.

I'm not an apostate, rather, or a heretic.

Let me tell you, what are you planning to do on the great Easter Sunday

when we've got the Sisters of Perpetual Residence

against the Catholic Church itself?

Oh, well.

We're going to be rooting for them, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to be out.

Oh, no, no, we're rooting against them.

Oh, that's right.

Remember, yeah, this was just like last year, or two years ago.

I don't know what to do.

This is 1999.

Because those sisters, they don't shave all the time.

Really?

We just keep saying the same things over and over again for thousands.

Well, because Easter fell on St. Stupid's Day just a couple years ago.

So this was 14, wow.

The Pope really has a point there, I think.

So 2000, when do you think?

Last of the facts.

2000, 1999.

Because the Pope jumps over first.

One of the things I love about my role here at KPFA

is I get to hear directly from you, our listeners.

My name is Itzelina, Donor Relations Manager here at the station.

And I get to hear things like,

thank you for being here for our community.

And we get to be here thanks to loyal listeners like you.

So help us continue to be here by making a meaningful donation today.

And know there is more than one way to donate.

You can make a qualified charitable distribution from an IRA.

You can donate stocks.

You can even add KPFA as a beneficiary.

Thank you for being really thoughtful about this.

Thank you to our monthly sustainers and to our generous one-time donors.

Donate at kpfa.org or email members at kpfa.org

if you have a question about donating in other ways

or if you'd like to increase your monthly donation.

My name is Itzelina, here for Community Powered Radio, here for you.

KPFA's paid staff are a union.

Hosts, producers, engineers, reporters, anchors, technical employees,

phone room coordinators, event producers,

trabajadores de instalaciones.

We are part of Communications Workers of America, Local 9415, AFL-CIO.

Because you know what?

Unity makes strength, and unions make great media.

Together with KPFA's unpaid staff and volunteers,

and every one of you who donate,

we make KPFA 94.1 FM in Berkeley,

KPFB 89.3 FM in Berkeley,

KFCF 88.1 FM in Fresno,

and 97.5 K248BR in Santa Cruz,

and kpfa.org.

We need you to take part in a campaign to make this movement continue.

Let's do it.

It's good to know,

We are here to help people,

to help you to make a difference.

It's not easy.

We will bring you a chance and our help we can include you.

For more information, visit kpfa.org.

KAI,

Now we move the currents from our side to our side.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

The witches push, the witches push.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

The gathering, the gathering.

Hold on, hold on.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Move the night, move the night, move the night.