Biltong

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Morning, everybody. Welcome along to your free podcast for today, Friday, February the 17th.

It's the weekend. It's the fact that Katie Price could be going to prison.

Yes!

They're nothing to do with anything in this country.

Because what she's done is she's been posing for OnlyFans content from Thailand, which unfortunately is illegal.

The island have, you know, very, very...

strict rules on pornography.

And so in 2020, the government banned Pornhub and publishing obscene content online is punishable

back to five years in prison.

Oh, please, God, let it be 10.

Please let it be 10 or a £2,300 fine.

So bankrupt Katie splurged £12,000 on business flights.

They've got to throw her in prison.

This is just getting beyond a joke.

This is just like taking the mickey out of everything that everybody else has to deal with.

She's ridiculous. She's stupid.

Now, half as daft as Gemma Collins in her latest interview, Gemma, the delusional one,

reckons that she used to spend £50,000 a day in Gucci.

Seriously, it's a shame we never saw her wearing any of it.

Perhaps she just bought it and threw it away.

Let's sort of err on the side of caution and decide that she didn't have £50,000 to spend every day.

£350,000 a week.

£700,000.

So one...

There's no chance.

No chance.

She hasn't got that sort of money.

And also, she's not allowed to spend her own money.

Her father and brother look after her accounts because she's so thick.

She says, but I'm like the earner and all the rest of it.

But I remember seeing one of her diva programmes, which was so pitiful.

It was embarrassing, really, for an old woman of her age.

And she phones up her agent and says, have I got so-and-so?

And he went, of course you haven't.

I think she was trying to pretend she had loads of money, which she hasn't got.

But she's going to name her baby after her favourite cheese.

I don't really see how Edam or Cheddar are going to work.

But apparently, it's another cheese, which she doesn't look as though she could probably spell or even pronounce.

Which, of course, is odd because she doesn't seem to have a fiancé at the moment because he didn't turn up a short while ago.

And she's not pregnant.

So, you know, you might as well say you're going to name it after a planet deer.

You know, and she said, because it's my dream to have a baby.

Of course it is.

We need to lose a lot of weight first.

OK, we know you lost three stones, so you keep telling us.

But it looks like you put it back on again.

So you've got to lose that.

They won't, you know, they won't do anything.

You'll have to do it privately.

I mean, she did do a round some years ago of going around clubs, trying to find men to sleep with her so she could have a baby.

As if it was like a trophy.

I've got a baby.

It's in the cabinet.

There you go.

Look at it.

Have a good look at it.

That's my baby.

I'm in a cabinet.

So I don't want people to think that I'm not attractive enough to actually get pregnant.

But anyway, it's not working at the moment.

Not working at all, which is a little bit embarrassing.

ITV, meanwhile, have axed another one of their primetime shows.

So the programme...

...won't make a return as the broadcaster is opting to show the Rugby World Cup.

This is Alan Carr's epic game show.

So it's being rested this year.

But I thought he was moving to BBC.

I reckon they've done this to go get rid of him on the other programmes.

So it's Alan Carr's show, which debuted on ITV in 2020.

It's had three seasons, but it's being rested to make way for the Rugby World Cup 2023.

Hilarious.

Do you believe it?

I don't believe it either.

I think it's payback time.

What do you mean you're going to the BBC?

Well, we're going to ax your programmes.

There you go.

Do what you like now, pal.

And then there's somebody from Love Island.

I've never heard of them before.

Her name's Kaz Crosley.

Kaz Crosley was apparently on Love Island.

And she decides to fly in, I think, on her way to Thailand.

I think that's what she was doing.

But anyway, apparently she's been doing voluntary work.

Because there's no work for her at all, as you can well imagine.

Because nobody knows who the hell she is.

Anyway.

If she's not for it in Dubai, she has to do a bit of a transfer because they've got pictures of her.

I mean, I don't know.

I'm going to err on the side of caution.

Perhaps she was snorting talcum powder.

I mean, I don't know myself because I don't understand these sort of things.

And they had pictures of her doing it.

Now, if she were, I mean, she'd have to be incredibly thick to be snorting cocaine in the United Arab Emirates.

So they've thrown her in prison.

She's in prison already.

And a source said, it'll be her agent or one of her loony friends,

if she's found guilty of taking or possessing drugs, that's three months in jail and a £5,000 fine.

You know, the worst thing is, somebody says, everybody knows how strict they are on drugs.

She must be terrified.

Well, I mean, if she's as thick as a brick and who really has been doing drugs, that's her problem.

Why should we worry about it?

Get her into prison and let her stay there.

I don't have any sympathy for people doing drugs and going through a country

where they know drugs are bad.

Drugs are illegal.

She must be terrified.

Tough titties, darling.

Tough titties.

You'll have to put up with it, stay in for three months and see if you enjoy it.

It was like the two brothers.

They were robbing people violently.

Machetes and all the rest of it.

And they had old man vinyl face masks on.

So it looked like they were two old men, which, of course, they weren't.

And one of them has gone to prison for 18 years.

You'll come out a changed person, dear, won't you?

I should imagine.

Bad news for...

For Bruce Willis.

His family have revealed that he's suffering the onset at the moment of dementia,

which is not very good.

He retired from acting the other week and he's had sort of a diagnosis.

It's not treatable and it has progressed.

So that's the way it is.

I mean, it seems odd, doesn't it, really?

I mean, I don't know enough about Bruce Willis to comment.

I just know that, you know, he's ill.

He retired last year.

He's got a fairly big family.

But this is not treatable,

which kind of gives you that horrible prognosis,

which is, what do you do?

What do you do?

I don't know.

The shocking new Channel 4 show, which will see celebrities jailed.

Oh, please put Gemma Collins in there, please.

And Jordan and everybody else.

And so they've got hold of a former prison.

And the idea behind the show is to give people who might have zero experience of prison life

or the criminal justice system in general a taste of what it's like.

So they could be banged up.

Oh, here she is again.

Look, Gemma Collins boasting she's got money to burn.

No, you haven't, love.

No, you haven't.

You need to check.

But here she is in another revolting outfit.

And she claims she spent 50,000 a day in Gucci.

She said she was often told off by snobby sales assistants

who didn't think she could afford their items, adding,

they think my money isn't as good as the next person's.

No, it's your lack of class, dear.

It's got nothing to do with the money.

They'll happily take anybody's money in Gucci.

They just think you might lower the tone.

It's like, you know,

if you get top-class shots,

like Gucci, Fiorucci and Dolce & Gabbana and all that,

they wouldn't want to see Joe Jordan walking in there.

That'd be the last person.

I'm afraid they think the same of you.

You're lower.

You're too low for them.

And also, some of the outfits you wear, dear,

I don't think they make them in your size.

I don't want to be rude about it.

She says, shopping gets boring.

I was spending 50,000 a day in Gucci.

No, you weren't.

You really weren't, dear.

It's very funny.

Why do you insist on these lies?

Is it because you're delusional?

Is it because you're an old woman

whose career is nearly washed up

now and all you've got is these sort of,

I used to spend 50 grand a day.

Well, who on earth do you think

is going to be impressed by that?

Nobody.

I mean, to be honest with you,

looking at the two pictures of the outfits I've seen here,

why don't you go to the circus like Billy Smarts

and ask if they've got some spare tents,

which you can have sort of,

maybe sort of increased in size and dyed.

So it'll make it look quite nice

because you're carrying too much weight, dear.

You were not spending 50,000 a day

and you spent the most romantic day of the year

by yourself.

But at least you were doing that a good old,

good old act, which is, you know,

you've got to like yourself and everything.

Well, you can't like yourself.

She got told off in a bar club

because she went up to Leonardo DiCaprio.

I mean, anybody would tell Leonardo DiCaprio

wouldn't have even a third look at Gemma Collins.

And anyway, the management in there,

like a lot of these top places,

move away, move away.

They don't like it.

They do the same in Joe Allen's.

If you're a celebrity in Joe Allen's

and people start coming up to the table,

the management will move you.

It's as simple as that.

People are out.

People are out for a private dinner

and somebody as common as Gemma Collins.

Really, you cannot go up to people.

That's why you don't see her out on the town very often.

No restaurants want her in there.

She's a bad advert.

You know, if you're not careful,

you end up looking like her.

But anyway, she gets sort of turned away

and then she apparently says to them,

you can kiss my ass.

You know, which she's said so many times.

But then, you know, when you are Gemma Collins,

that's probably a classy line for her.

Very embarrassing.

Love Island's Will Young broke down in tears

as he confessed to cheating on Jesse Winter.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Of course he did.

It's a game show.

It's not to do with anybody who's really interested in them.

So anyway, poor old Jesse Winter.

I love it.

You can't get enough laughs out of it.

But Maya Jarmer,

who seems to think the show is all about her,

says, are they happy tears?

And Will started sobbing.

What a wimp.

Rowan Atkinson may in fact appear in Comic Relief Blackadder's comeback.

So that'll be quite...

But either way, we get Baldrick.

Tom Cruise set to snub the BAFTAs

after Top Gun Maverick was left off the best-filmed ballot.

Oh dear, nothing worse than a temperamental artiste.

Nothing worse.

Good sake.

Cancel Ab Fab's Patsy.

They wouldn't dare.

Joanna Lumley says her character will live on.

They said if you actually make it now,

it wouldn't be shown with her in it

because she smokes, drinks and snorts cocaine.

So they wouldn't put her on.

But that's why we love it.

That's why we loved her.

That's why we think she was the best.

And guess who hates...

And we talked about this the other day.

Guess who hates robotic lawnmowers?

Alan Titchmarsh.

He wouldn't have one.

He said they're absolutely ghastly.

He says, I love my wildflower meadow.

Make no mistake.

But, you know, his heart sank

when he heard that a friend was using the automatic invention

which drives him nuts.

And poor old Harry and Meghan.

Oh dear.

What is Harry doing today?

He's getting his bicycle out

and going up and down the drive

because he hasn't got a job, has he?

He doesn't do anything.

The desperately sad, lonely couple

should now be very concerned

about their standing in America

because South Park spoofed them.

And if South Park spoofed you,

you're on your way out.

I think they see them for what they are.

They're sort of desperately sad, lonely people.

Harry, remember, has never been in the real world.

You have to appreciate that.

He's only ever known

privileges and luxury

and people not saying no to him.

That's why he's the way he is.

That's why he's a rather petulant young man.

Meghan managed to convince him

that she's desperately in love with him.

And so that goes on.

You know, they have their relationship.

But I think in America, they value family traditions.

And the one thing they don't have,

have you noticed,

Eugenie, apparently, Andrew's ghastly daughter,

she's siding with Harry

and is agreeing with everything that he's said.

So you're on the way out, pal, aren't you, as well?

But anyway,

the Prince and Princess of Canada,

a royal couple,

this is on South Park,

who loudly beg for privacy

whilst drawing attention to themselves.

I'd be very worried.

But of course, Harry's not bright enough to understand this.

Meghan understands it.

She's got to re-evaluate everything.

And they also had a dusky pink outfit,

which Meghan donned for the Trooping the Colour.

They're seen promoting the Prince's book,

Wa.

That's the book they've called it.

The cover of which strongly resembles Harry's memoir, Spare.

And they've got loads of those in Costco at the moment.

Loads of them.

And it's, I mean, it'll be remained very, very shortly.

And then we'll be rid of Harry and Meghan,

who are not going to be coming to the wedding.

Sorry, the Coronation Street.

Coronation Street.

Coronation.

They're not going to be going to it

because Harry wants a meeting with Charles first.

If I was Charles, I'd be going,

you either come to the wedding,

Coronation Street, Coronation,

or you're not coming at all.

OK, simple.

Don't start holding us, you know,

with a gun to our head, lovey.

You're nobody special.

You're just a spoilt little boy.

A very petulant little boy who is prone to tantrums.

So you can have one over this.

But Charles is far too busy to start messing around

with a buffoon like you.

But now they've been lampooned on South Park,

people are going to be pointing and laughing.

And that's when it starts going downhill.

Perhaps they can move back to Canada.

Perhaps they can go and live with Gemma Collins.

Perhaps they can move into Jordan's mucky mansion.

Because apparently she's pretending

because she doesn't own it.

She owes money on the money.

She owes money on the mortgage.

And in fact, they might be thinking of taking it back.

But mind you, if she's locked up in Thailand

for taking topless pictures,

that'll be the best news we've all heard.

Good news, isn't it?

They've got rules in these countries.

And if you go there, you adhere to their rules.

It's like you don't go to Dubai

and start walking about in a bikini on the streets.

They'll have you locked up very, very quickly, OK?

Which is what we can only hope for Jordan.

And she comes back and finally gets the bankruptcy.

Hearing again.

I mean, it's been put off so many times now.

I'm beginning to wonder whether or not

the backhand is going on.

It's too worrying.

It's too worrying for words.

Anyway, have a lovely day.

And I shall be back with you on Monday morning.

In fact, not just have a lovely day.

Have a lovely weekend.

And we'll wait and see.

I'm just going to get the car washed.

Washed?

I used to imagine my teeth today.

And then just do what they call a lazy day.

Lazy day.

I can be lazy today.

I can be lazy tomorrow.

But did you hear the thing that we did

on the programme with Biltong?

That was the result of me going out yesterday,

buying as much Biltong as I could find.

I say, even the woman on the till thought,

I was a bit mad.

She looked at it and said, what's that?

I said, don't ask me.

I've got no idea.

I'm just doing it for the producer.

Can't do it any other way.

So have a good weekend.

And I'll talk to you on Monday morning.

In the meantime, don't forget to download.

Please.

We're doing record numbers of downloads.

And we're all very pleased with them.

So the more we get, the happier we will be.

Until Monday.

Au revoir.

Leading Britain's Conversation.

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