Tekdiff 5/8/20 - Hunkers in the Bunkers

Hello, and welcome back to Technical Difficulties. I'm your host, Steve.

A lot of you might be wondering what happened to the usual host of the program.

Unfortunately, he can't be with us due to some unforeseen circumstances.

How did he manage to get his entire body stuck inside a CD player drawer again?

I'm not entirely sure, Leonard. He said he had a trick to show me, and well, here we are.

You don't say.

And while this mishap occurred nearly three days ago, we've made no real progress in managing to

free Mr. Conroy from the stereo component. And unfortunately, we've lost the manual.

We contacted the manufacturer in Japan, but unfortunately, they no longer support legacy

products. So if any of you out there have any advice on how to untangle a human body from a

JVC XL B2-11 compact disc player from the JVC XL B2-11 compact disc player,

please contact this podcast at techdiff at gmail.com.

And as for Mr. Conroy himself, he's relatively unharmed, except for some broken bones and

crushed organs. And not to worry, he is receiving adequate nutrition and water through the headphone

jack. I guess what we're trying to say is it's been an interesting quarantine around here.

So with that in mind, we thought we'd go around to some of the regular cast members

of Technical Difficulties and find out how they're coping with this lockdown.

No, it's not the most creative idea in the world, but it's the one we're going with.

Things are going about as well.

Well, as could be expected. I mean, after all, I am stuck in this tiny apartment with Gramps.

Well, Timmy, I'm off to the convenience store to buy loads and loads of scratch-off tickets

and stand around like it's a casino or something. You need anything while I'm out?

Gramps, what did I tell you about going out like that?

What?

I got gloves and a mask.

That is a latex gimp suit, and you know it.

Yep. And for the first time since San Francisco in the 1970s,

I can walk around in public dressed like this and people will thank me for it.

It's crotchless. No one thanks you for that.

Oh, so I read on the internet...

that we might be quarantined for, like, a whole year.

So Bronson and I decided that we would bunk together at my place.

Yeah, we figured since neither of us had symptoms, it was safe to be together.

We could just order out for food and groceries, and we could use all that time

to get through all of the games we bought at the winter steam sale.

Yeah, we figure if we play about 22 hours a day, we just might squeak in under that deadline.

We really need to stop shopping when we're high.

Hi, everyone. Pastor Ermine here with my lovely wife, Willow.

Hello!

And we certainly hope that all of you out there listening are staying home and staying safe

and doing your best to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy in these, well, very trying times.

And as community religious leaders, we've decided to put technology to use.

That's right, Willow. We're using a variety of social media outlets and video conferencing tools

to keep in touch with our respective congregations.

Chester with his flock and me with my coven.

And quite simply, it is fantastic what you can accomplish in terms of clerical duties

with a simple internet connection and a webcam, fellowship,

Bible study, rituals, kinky, sexy, fun-time cosplay.

That's not part of our clerical duties.

Oh, that's right. That's for the Patreon subscribers only.

Link in the description below.

My parents must be so proud of me.

Well, I know your dad is. He keeps commenting in the Patreon stream.

It was raining again in Los Angeles.

Dark, gray, the smell of wet concrete, motor oil, and petrichor.

The pitter patter of drops on these streets, the wet streets.

Empty streets. Emptier than I've ever seen them.

Emptier than the heart of the city that I walk.

Hey, is there a reason why you're out here?

Oh, hi, officer. Uh, hi. Nothing to worry about here.

I'm one of you, LAPD.

Yeah, well, be that as it may, you're not supposed to be out on a public street

unless you're doing something essential or it's an emergency.

So what are you doing?

Well, I would say I was doing something essential.

I'm recording an opening narration for a radio noir.

A radio noir.

Yeah, a radio noir.

Well, it's for a podcast.

Uh huh. Yeah.

Right at the top of my list of things you're not allowed to do publicly

in Los Angeles during a quarantine is podcast.

I'm gonna have to write you a citation.

Son of a bitch.

Well, I like to think I'm doing pretty well.

I mean, given the circumstances, I know I've lost my job and, you know,

my financial situation is a little dicey at the moment.

And no, I don't have health care, but I still

am doing quite well for myself, I think.

And you want to know why that is?

It's because I keep a positive attitude.

I always look around and look for the good in my fellow human being.

And because my name is Chad Blasterman,

and I have five seconds to fight this virus with my bare hands.

But first, I've got to get rid of these normal human hands.

Ha!

Chad Blasterman.

He should have done those one at a time, if at all.

Ah, peas.

Now my blood's getting away.

I came to urgent care as fast as I could, Doctor.

Well, thank God you're here, Doctor.

We have a brand new emergency case.

So I see. What's the diagnosis, Doctor?

Well, he was found in a pool of his own blood, unconscious,

after chopping off both his hands and trying to staple on a pair of bear's paws.

Fainted for blood loss, I take it?

No, he knocked himself out trying to use an industrial stapler with his head.

Another victim of this damned virus.

I don't think those are symptoms of COVID-19, Doctor.

This is a novel coronavirus, isn't it, Doctor?

Yes.

Well,

have you ever seen anything like this before?

Well, no, but...

My God, you're right, Doctor.

If this is a novel virus, we don't know what to expect.

Exactly.

Stampedes, aliens, rubber chickens.

It could be anything.

If only they develop that vaccine.

That's a long way off, Doctor, and it's not going to help this patient now.

And besides, do you really think medical technology will help in a hospital like this?

Well, never has before.

Exactly.

Now let's get to work and save this man's life.

Hand me a mask.

Not so fast, Doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor, what are you doing here?

It's long past your shift.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to pull double duty.

We're short-handed, Doctor.

This guy's got spares.

Yeah, he'll probably want to keep those, though.

Yeah.

Be that as it may, I'm afraid I have some bad news, Doctor.

Urgent care is out of masks.

Out of masks?

What will we use to scare the virus, then?

We'll return to urgent care right after this.

Hi, it's your old pal, Explodo Durante.

Are you tired of waiting around for medicine and science to come to your rescue during this pandemic?

Well, if you're like me, you don't have time to sit around and wait for a vaccine,

what with trying to find nutrition out of a dumpster.

And besides, you shouldn't trust them worth a damn,

not because they're putting poison inside your body,

but because the little needle hole lets the ghosts in.

No, what you need is Explodo Durante's miracle cure-all.

It's got everything you need to keep your body healthy,

including vitamin C, vitamin A, bleach, mercury, copper, corroded silver,

oatmeal, firecrackers, and my patented antiviral compound.

And yes, it happens to be my own semen.

Thanks for asking.

But wait, there's more.

Call within the last 24 hours,

and you'll also receive access to the latest,

absolutely free of charge,

Explodo Durante's patented anti-5G radiation armor.

Are you terrified of the 5Gs giving you the corona gay?

Then just crowbar your misshapen frame into one of these babies,

as modeled here by my assistant, Loretta.

Hey, Timmy, I'm on live TV with my junk out and everything.

Ha ha, what do you think of your grandpa, Loretta, now?

I don't know what's happening, but I like this guy's style.

Hey, you want a drink of this stuff?

Well, it got me wrecked.

The bar's been closed for ages.

Haven't the foggiest, but I've been swelling it all day, and just look at me.

I like them odds. Set me up.

Hey, everybody, Hanover Phillips here.

And your favorite sexy goblin, Nero Guillaume.

And our bus driver extraordinaire, Turvey.

Say hi to the folks at home, Turvey.

Please don't talk to the bus driver while the vehicle's in motion.

That Turvey, he's such a cut up.

So what have we been up to, Hanover?

Same old, same old, Nero.

Just driving around the Midlands stuck in writer's block hell.

It's funny because it's true,

although paralyzing anxiety disorder is not a joke.

Though the author's life is.

But you don't need to worry about us during this pandemic, though.

No, here in the Midlands,

we managed to detect COVID-19

way back in November of last year,

and using a combination of magic and medical technology,

we managed to develop a vaccine within 48 hours.

And we mass produced it,

managed to distribute it to 22 billion people in less than two weeks.

That's because the Midlands has a fully functional government

that actually looks out for the health and welfare of its citizens.

In fact, we offered the vaccine free of charge to the governments of Earth,

but they couldn't stop fighting amongst themselves over which privately held

corporation would make the most money off of it.

So that deal fell through, I'm afraid.

Shame you don't live here.

You know, for being the heroes, you guys are being awfully dickish about this.

Well, excuse us if being stuck in narrative limbo for as many years as this

has made us both a little testy, all right?

Yeah, when George R.R. Martin Light over here gets off his ass, get back to us.

And now with an opposing view, here is Slip Zipley.

America's foremost American, Slip Zipley, here.

And I take great offense at the notion that there's such a thing as a

functional government, quote unquote.

No, the only good government is a tiny government.

How tiny, you ask, Slip?

Well, the answer is simple.

Ask any conservative.

The government needs to be just large enough to collect tax revenue from rubes

like you and then hand it over to private individuals who will do

the responsible thing with it, i.e., move it offshore where it will be safe

and never seen by anyone ever again.

And as Americans, you all need to do the right thing as well.

And that means not hoping for the government to come in and save you

from this so-called disease.

Now, that doesn't mean I don't take the virus seriously.

I certainly do.

I am currently broadcasting from a hermetically sealed house,

and I have murdered and eaten my entire staff.

I won't set foot outside.

My personal safety bunker for love or money.

Now, does that make me a coward?

No, it makes me a leader.

Just watch Fox News.

They'll tell you.

And as a leader, it falls on me to lead by example.

My example to you is an America that is completely destroyed.

And by completely destroyed, I mean the rich will be slightly less rich.

And that's a tragedy. So what are you waiting for?

You've only got everything to lose, America.

And don't worry, when people like you are out there dying for this great nation,

people like me will be preparing all

sorts of stats to say you were never sick in the first place.

In fact, maybe the whole thing was a hoax, really.

Do diseases even exist?

I'm not sure. Excuse me, Mr.

Zipley. Yes, what can I do for you?

Bare hands.

Chad Blasterman.

Great way to get out of a sketch or the best way.

And I think that about wraps it up.

I mean, we could bring more characters out to tell their stories,

but I think you get the point.

And I guess that just leaves you and me, Steve.

You're absolutely right, Leonard.

So how are you doing?

Same old, same old, I guess.

I mean, it sort of alleviates the pain to know that we're not, you know, real.

Yeah, I don't know how I felt initially

when I realized I was just a figment of someone else's imagination.

But then I realized, since I'm not real,

I get to skip all the boring, unpleasant bits about life.

That's the best part of being imaginary, Steve.

Nothing permanently bad can ever happen to us.

I mean, unless the person imagining us, I don't know, gets sick and dies.

That's right, Leonard.

It's a horrifying existential fact that when you die,

all the people that you've ever dreamed of die with you.

So if you're thinking

of going out there and violating the rules designed to keep all of us safe,

think of your imaginary friends.

Whether it's an assassin keyboard player from a fictionalized European country,

an engineer with short-term memory problems,

or an anthropomorphized technicolor slug named Horace P. Dinglehopfer Esquire,

do it for them.

Stay in.

And stay safe.

Aw, thanks so much for thinking about my welfare, Mr. Conroy.

Get out of here, Horace P. Dinglehopfer!

No one likes you!

Aw.

Well, that episode took a lot longer than I expected it to.

Not that I was working on it the whole time.

I was just going through some shit.

Because that's my brain.

And my brain's on...

the anxiety disorder.

And it's been weird.

Because the world's been weird.

It was already weird enough being in here.

And then the world got even weirder.

So I hope you are staying safe throughout this virus thing.

Virus thing.

This pandemic that was...

gonna happen.

I hope the, uh...

Hope you're avoiding, uh, you know, all the...

horrible negative shit going around your head like it's going around mine.

And you should probably just avoid the news.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to avoid the fact that if you avoid the news,

you'll feel like you're not actually

doing anything at all, even though you're not doing anything.

And you feel helpless and you're locked in a loop.

And, you know, you just don't want to do anything.

You just want to curl up.

And, um, have lots of self-destructive thoughts and hope you die in your sleep.

If that sounds a little dark...

Well, that's where my head is at often enough.

I've got ways of dealing with it.

And I'm trying to deal with it.

I still haven't answered the mail that people have sent me.

They've been very kind enough to send me... send me.

And, um, that's because I've just been...

You know, it's been rough.

Not...

Horrible.

You know, like, I can't handle it rough.

I can barely handle it rough kind of thing.

I really shouldn't be this bad.

It's kind of sad that I am at this late stage of my life.

But, uh, here we are.

That's what, um, if you're young, younger than me, certainly,

and you think you might have untreated and undiagnosed mental disorders,

um, I'd look into that, and then I'd do something about it

so you don't try to have to turn this ship around

in your...

early to mid-fifties.

Thank you for listening to the program.

I've been your host, Kai and Chris Conroy.

I wrote the whole thing and performed it and everything like that.

Uh, don't feel bad about me, though,

because I'm actually doing okay, just okay.

And I will be back again as soon as my brain allows,

which is hopefully sooner than later.

That's the kind of world I'm living in right now.

Uh, so if you'd like to get in touch with me,

it's techdiff at gmail.com.

And, uh, I apologize.

I'm going to get to any emails sent to me as soon as I possibly can.

It's, uh, part of self-care,

but it's also a little overwhelming in a weird, weird way.

And, uh, I gotta get a handle on this.

And that's part of what this year is about,

is getting a handle on it.

Um, yeah.

So I'll be back soon.

Uh, take care of yourselves, and, uh, till then, goodbye.