The Morning Cup -- Resistance is Fertile

Hi, I'm Scott Rogers, Director of the Institute for Mindfulness Studies, and welcome to today's

podcast of the Morning Cup Column.

Today's podcast is titled, Resistance is Fertile.

One of the great challenges of being a parent is exercising authority in a mature and present

manner.

This challenge is perhaps greatest when we become frustrated, for it is during these

times that we are more likely to be reactive, short-tempered, and have available to us fewer

cognitive resources to draw on to be reflective, rational, and kind.

At the same time, it is during these moments of challenge that we teach our children, through

our example, how to relate to such moments, and indeed, how we react likely bears a resemblance

to how our caregivers reacted years ago when we were young, and is being learned today

by our children.

Neuroscience is revealing just how connected this exchange is, penetrating deeply into

the structure and function of our children's developing brains, and ours.

Today's Morning Cup explores the opportunities that await us in the here and now, each time

we catch ourselves becoming reactive in relation to our child's conduct.

In this video, we're going to talk about some of the things that we can do to help

our children be more responsive to their parents, and how we can help them be more responsive

to their parents, and how we can help our children be more responsive to their parents.

To set the stage for the mindfulness exercise that follows, we'll recast the most common

of parenting scenarios, when your child asks for something, and you say no.

As is often the case, your child does not simply accept your pronouncement, and engages

in a series of manipulations to get you to change your mind.

Put simply, your child resists, and that resistance is often futile.

Mindful parenting involves seeing more clearly what is taking place during challenging moments,

and is inspired by our connection to our child.

The next time your child asks you for something, and you reply no, bring awareness into that

moment.

Does their manipulation annoy or frustrate you?

If you feel an agitation in response to your child's behavior, recognize the possibility

that you are now resisting your child.

But this resistance is not necessarily futile.

To the contrary, approach mindfully, this resistance is fertile.

It surely is the case that the answer no is often appropriate.

But sometimes, for any of a variety of reasons, for example, stressful moments, feeling drained,

or being preoccupied, the answer no is largely reactive, and has little to do with the substance

of your child's request.

It is in this moment that you can explore whether you are actually responding to your child's request.

It is not always the case that you are acting in a mature and present manner.

Doing so will offer you insight into your true nature, and offer your child a priceless

glimpse into the mind of a loving and present parent.

As an aside, while love surely flows endlessly, it is the joining of the love with presence

that can be profound.

The idea that your resistance can be fertile means that you can learn by becoming more

mindfully aware of what is taking place within you.

You can learn more about yourself, your child, and the situation in that moment.

The next time you catch yourself having delivered a quick no to your child's request, make

the conscious decision to gather some information.

Call your child over, or if you and your child are in the thick of it, pause, and suggest

that you may have been hasty in your reply, and it would be helpful if you had some more

information.

Move to a different location if possible, and have a seat.

Breathe with awareness, and look your child in the eye.

Ask your child to make the request again, and to briefly explain their reasons.

As your child is talking, allow your eyes to soften and your belly to move easy with

the breath.

Listen with ears that are grateful to be hearing your child's voice.

As your child speaks, you may notice thoughts arising in your mind that are quick to deny

their request.

You may feel the impulse to interrupt them.

You may begin to feel irritated.

Pay attention to these inner experiences, and breathe.

A mature and present response is one that can be delivered with compassion and clarity.

Sometimes that response is no, and sometimes it is yes.

The great gift of mindfulness is the insight that alongside the reactivity that surfaces

in your mind, your child will be able to respond.

Alongside the reactivity that surfaces in these moments also resides wisdom and compassion.

Treating the moment in this way allows you to connect more deeply with that wisdom and

compassion so that it may factor into your decision making.

With a mind and body open to the mystery of the next moment, allow yourself the opportunity

to respond to your child's request with an open heart and an alert mind.

No matter what you decide, you will both be transformed.

This concludes this morning's podcast of the Morning Cup Column.

If you're interested in learning more about mindfulness and parenting, visit the website

TheMindfulParent.org.

If you're interested in mindfulness in general, visit MindfulLiving.net.

This is Scott Rogers, wishing you a wonderful day.

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The Institute for Mindfulness Studies.

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