1-Sexy Photos 2-Divorce ~ 1-Some different perspectives 2-How can I stop my divorce?

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter 1 for free at drkenner.com.

Do you know what an obsession is?

Oh, sure. It's like when a guy looks up girls' dresses.

Well, yeah, that's one kind of obsession, but an obsession means that you get so wrapped up in one thing that you forget all the other important things in your life.

And so, does looking at someone's body or looking up girls' dresses mean you have an obsession?

Well, last week I was waiting at the Stanford-Connecticut train station.

And I had been listening to a book on tape, but I sat back for a little bit and just started to watch people.

You know, it's fun to do people-watching at times.

You see the mom with the little kids or daddies with the little kids.

Or you'd see the businesswomen with their briefcases and their very tailored outfits.

Or some, you'd see these very sexy young women coming in with low-riding dungarees, and you wonder how they keep them on.

And they've got these perilously pointed high-heeled shoes.

And you say, oh, but look at that.

Oh, the woman, she's got these comfy sneakers on, and I'll bet she's a lot more comfortable, but she doesn't look as sexy.

Well, as I was watching them, two young men, dressed up in like a clean hip-hop style, sat down in the empty seats next to me.

And they had magazines.

They looked like they had just bought the magazines from the newsstand.

And then I'm listening, and they're going, wow, look at her body.

She's hot.

Man, is she built.

Boy, would I like to.

And I look over, and they each have magazines.

Filled with pages of these petite, sexy models in swimsuits or less.

Not quite swimsuits.

And this goes on for about five minutes.

And I tell you, they were very entertaining.

Partly because they were totally unashamed.

They weren't looking at me.

They weren't looking at doing this as if it was something dirty.

They were sincere.

And they were looking at it as if they were two guys looking at a catalog saying, hey, look at this subwoofer.

Boy, I would love this.

This amp is really cool.

Man, I have got to have this.

Now, they're doing the same with gorgeous models.

So, now for a minute, let's switch.

Imagine that it's not these two young men.

But you sit down, and two young women, or not two young women, let's picture two 50-year-old women,

open up their magazines, and they're looking at hot men, maybe their own age, too.

When it was time for me to leave, you know, you never picture women doing this.

But when it was time for me to leave, I wanted to look up at these men and say that, you know, they have very good taste in women.

But instead, I just left quietly.

So, would you say that these men are oversexed?

Or they're just not ashamed of their sexual attraction to women?

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills.

30 seconds, that's it.

A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where's that ad I saw?

Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance.

A Serious Romance Guidebook.

Download Chapter 1 for free at SelfishRomance.com.

And buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh.

The Selfish Path to Romance.

That is interesting.

Would you say that these men are...

They're oversexed?

Or they're just not ashamed of their sexual attraction to women?

If they were in a museum saying the same things to a tastefully done nude statue,

we wouldn't call it shocking behavior.

But many of us do get uncomfortable when we see glossy photos of sexy women

who deliberately look seductive or pretty.

We don't feel the same when we're in a museum.

It's somehow okay when you're in a museum looking at a nude model

or a masterful painter.

We don't feel that same emotion.

So, would you say that these guys are oversexed?

Let's take a closer look at that word.

Oversexed.

Who comes to your mind in your life?

What would it mean to be oversexed?

How do you imagine that an oversexed guy would behave?

Well, one listener, Max, labeled himself as oversexed.

His girlfriend is very upset with him.

She can't figure out why she's not...

Because Max has to look at pictures of sexy women.

Sexy women in magazines or in movies, but he has to look at them.

And he wants to know how he can stop doing that.

And he wonders if it's outside his control.

Maybe it's some obsessive behavior.

And now let's turn to Max's happiness,

because Max is having girlfriend problems.

He's wondering if he's oversexed because he's looking at pornography a lot

and his girlfriend doesn't like it.

And from the way he wrote the letter,

I polished it.

I did a little in terms of the language.

You know, he said, I'm always looking at porns.

I said pornography.

It sounds like he's relatively young.

So I'm going to assume, Max, that you are either a young adult or maybe between 15 and 25,

someplace in that range.

And you're wondering, how do you get thoughts of wanting to see other girls naked out of your mind?

How do you get that out of your mind?

Well, partly, I think a lot of women need to have thoughts of real sex.

I think men are trained to think sexually.

It's permitted for them to do it.

And women are trained to think about knitting and other things.

But sex is not high up there on the agenda.

So then when they get into a marriage, a real healthy marriage with a partner,

there's a problem.

Men have had a lot of rehearsal and a lot of liberty experimenting and thinking sexy thoughts

and thinking about erotic fantasies.

And women typically, I'm not saying across the board, because the situation can obviously be reversed,

but typically, women have not had that type of history.

So it takes them longer to fantasize.

They feel embarrassed and ashamed and mixed.

It's just that they haven't built a habit of having a nice, clean sexual line

so that they can have nice intimacy with a partner.

So I think that's a problem.

Now, given that, am I for?

Pornography, what's typically called pornography and using it the way you're doing.

Using it the way you're doing, no.

I would hate to be your girlfriend, Max, because I would feel that I'm not enough.

He's always looking at other pictures.

I can't satisfy him.

He gets more turned on by other people, by strangers, by people he doesn't even know,

in a video or between the pages of Playboy or something.

Even more explicit than by me.

Are my breasts not big enough?

Am I not good enough?

Is this something that's lacking?

I would lack, here are the key words, the emotional intimacy with you, Max,

if I were your girlfriend.

It's a skill to know how to develop emotional intimacy,

meaning to help your partner feel valued, feel cared for,

feel like she's the most important person in your life,

and you're the most important person in her life.

And in your sexual life, this is true, too.

So if you are always turning to the magazines or to the Internet or to videos, porn videos,

then you're basically sending her a message that she doesn't really matter that much,

especially in this very weird area of sex love.

Now, it's true that people develop their preferred styles of sexuality.

And if you're a woman, if you're a man, if you're a woman, if you're a man, if you're a woman,

if you're trying to change yours and learn what an intimate relationship is like,

then you want to move away from the porn.

You say you can't stop thinking about it.

Well, what if you replace the thoughts with thoughts about your girlfriend?

And it doesn't have to be sexy.

It can be just cuddly thoughts or cherishing what you love in her,

training your mind to identify what you love in her.

If you don't love her, then you don't belong being with her.

If you're not a lovable person,

then she deserves better than you.

Let her move on.

So it's either or.

You cannot have your girlfriend in the type of sexual life that you're currently leading,

which I know you know.

There's a problem with porn also in that you'll see people doing things

that your partner may never want to even try.

Maybe it's a threesome or, you know, gang rape or who knows.

And it can be a real turn-on for you.

You know, repulsive as it is, it can be a turn-on for you.

And you may desire that.

You may desire that to happen in real life or vanilla sex may no longer feel fun

when you're just having regular sex with your partner.

So that's a side issue with the Internet, but a very important one.

So I would say that if you value your girlfriend

or if you value having a romantic life in the future with this woman or someone else,

it is important to train your mind to learn how to develop an intimate relationship

together.

Now, can you fantasize together or do you have to look in each other's eyes and say,

I really like your eyes, I really like your mind all the time?

You can have wonderful fantasies together.

You can even get sexy magazines and look at them, provided that they're not crossing a line.

But you can have fantasies with one another that are wonderful.

You would never act on them in real life.

And I wouldn't use people in those fantasies that you know because it becomes very awkward.

But having a rich fantasy.

Having a rich fantasy life with one another, coming back with stories.

Well, guess what I imagined today, honey?

It can be very erotic, very arousing.

It can give you a rich life with each other.

And then the fantasies or the, I don't know, the Playboy magazine

doesn't become the other woman in your life,

but it becomes a rich source of fantasies for both of you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

If you're prone...

If you're prone to expressing anger during an argument,

a more effective way to argue is to do so on paper.

If you're prone to angry outbursts, try writing a note to your partner,

being careful to limit your frustration to the current issue.

Keep the note short, a paragraph or two.

Here's what Aaron might write.

I'm angry that you spent money on clothes when we need that money to pay for the rent.

We agreed to keep to our budget.

He could leave the note on the kitchen table.

Jane may then respond on paper,

I feel so bad that I ignored our budget.

I bought the outfits on a whim.

I'll return them tomorrow.

Sometimes writing down your thoughts allows you time to express yourself assertively

and helps break a pattern of face-to-face heated destructive arguments.

You can download Chapter 1 for free at drkenner.com

and you can buy the book at amazon.com.