03 自責論とゴミ処理問題

みなさんこんにちはまーちゃんです

Hello everyone, it's Ma-chan.

マーマレード第3回目の更新始まりました

The third update of marmalade has started.

前回の更新が1月だったのでだいぶ間が空いてしまったんですけど

Since the last update was in January, quite a bit of time has passed.

みなさんどのように過ごしてましたでしょうか

How has everyone been spending their time?

私は2月にストレイキッズのライブに行って

I went to a Stray Kids concert in February.

3月にはアークティックモンキーズのライブに行ってきました

In March, I went to a concert by the Arctic Monkeys.

スキーズは本当に楽しくてまた行きたいって感じで

Skiing was really fun, and I feel like I want to go again.

アークティックモンキーズの方は中学か高校かぐらいからずっと好きで

I've liked Arctic Monkeys since around middle school or high school.

10何年越しに初めて生で見れて楽しかったです

It was fun to finally see it live after more than 10 years.

ライブ楽しいぜみたいな期間が終わった後は

After the period of "Live shows are fun!" is over...

1ヶ月ぐらい体調不良で全然治らなくて本当に大変でした

I was unwell for about a month, and it just wouldn't get better, which was really tough.

原因は働きすぎなんですけど

The reason is working too much.

最初の1週間ぐらいは風邪症状で

For the first week or so, I had cold symptoms.

1週間経っても治らないからおかしいなと思って病院に行ったら

It's been a week and it wasn't getting better, so I thought it was strange and went to the hospital.

風邪とかも治らないんですけど

I can't seem to recover from a cold or anything like that.

風邪じゃなくて花粉症とか喘息とかそっちだよみたいな言われて

It's not a cold; it's more like allergies or asthma, something like that.

薬をもらってやれやれこれで治るかって思っていたんですが

I got the medicine and was thinking, "Phew, will this really make me better?"

その薬が合わず副作用が出てしまって

The medicine didn't suit me, and I ended up with side effects.

そこから副作用が気持ち悪くなるみたいなので

It seems that from there, the side effects can make you feel sick.

それがもろに出て

It showed up clearly.

結局それが胃腸炎になって

In the end, it turned into gastroenteritis.

その後3週間ぐらい治らず

It didn't get better for about three weeks after that.

っていう

That is what I'm saying.

1ヶ月間の体調不良時期でした

It was a period of poor health for a month.

で働きすぎ云々なんですけど

It's about overworking and such, but...

私の働いてる会社は

The company I work for is

部署があって

There is a department.

でその部署が

So that department...

部署ごとに働くというよりは

Rather than working by department

部署の中にさらに案件があって

There are further projects within the department.

で案件も期間も様々でチームの体制とか

The projects and durations vary, as well as the team's structure and so on.

誰と働くか全部様々でやってます

I work with a variety of people.

でこの半年入ってた案件は

So the projects I've been involved in over the past six months are...

えっと

Um...

マネージ…

Manage…

メントする上司が1人いて

There is one boss who mentors.

その下で作業するのは私1人で

I'm the only one working under that.

なのでチームとしては2人だけど

So, there are only two of us as a team.

実質1人みたいな体制でやってました

It felt like we were operating with just one person.

でそれだけでも結構きつい環境だったんですけど

It was already quite a tough environment just with that.

今今年の4月に社会人4年目になったぐらいの

I just became a working professional in my fourth year this April.

まだペイペイなんですけど

I'm still using PayPay, though.

あの…

Um...

上司が結構何個も案件を抱えて忙しいっていうのもあって

My boss is quite busy with several projects.

ちゃんとマネジメントする余裕がないからなのか

Is it because there isn't enough room to manage it properly?

ほぼお客さんの前で矢をもとに立たされて

Almost made to stand with the arrow in front of the customers.

やり続けるっていう状況がずっと続いていて

The situation of continuing to do it has been ongoing.

でまぁ本来ならそれはないんですけど

Well, normally that wouldn't be the case, but...

そういう状況だったので

It was in that situation.

結構プレッシャーを加速させるような状況で

In a situation that significantly increases pressure.

そういう状況だったので

Since it was such a situation,

結構プレッシャーを加速させるような状況がずっと続いていて

The situation has been one that continuously accelerates pressure.

結構プレッシャーを加速させるようになっちゃってました

I ended up increasing the pressure quite a bit.

で

So, then.

その

That.

本当に具合が悪い時でも

Even when I'm really unwell.

あーこれ何日に出さなきゃいけないからとか

Ah, it's because I have to submit this by a certain date.

作業する人が私しかいないと

If I'm the only one working.

それやりきらなきゃみたいな

I feel like I have to see it through.

気持ちになっちゃって

I ended up feeling this way.

で結局具合悪くても言い出せなくて

So in the end, I couldn't say anything even though I felt unwell.

言ったとしても休みは当然上司はくれないので

Even if I said something, my boss obviously wouldn't give me time off.

そういう状況で

In that kind of situation.

休みくださいって自分で言わなきゃいけないんですけど

I have to say that I want a day off myself.

それも言えずっていう感じでした

I felt like I couldn't even say that.

なんでそんなに働いてたのか

Why were you working so hard?

もっと自分の体調をちゃんとケアした方が良かったんですけど

I should have taken better care of my health.

昔からの癖で

Out of an old habit

考え方の癖で

Due to a habit of thinking.

自分一人で

On my own.

全部やらなきゃってなった時に

When it comes to having to do everything.

抜け穴があってはいけない

There must be no escape route.

落ち度を作ってはいけないっていう風に

"Don't make any mistakes."

考えがピンって張り詰めちゃいがちなんですね

Your thoughts tend to become tense and strained, don't they?

なんか周りに

Something around me

なんかちゃんとやってないとか

It seems like you're not doing it properly or something.

責められるかもっていうのもそうなんですけど

It's also about the possibility of being blamed.

自分としても誠実に対応しないと

I need to respond sincerely as well.

罪悪感が出てきて

I am feeling guilty.

なんか気持ち悪くなってしまう

I feel kind of sick.

ので

because

そういう風に考えがちです

It's easy to think that way.

社会一般的にも

In general society as well.

自責論っていうのが

It's called the theory of self-blame.

よく言われると思うんですけど

I think it's often said, but...

それの影響プラス

The impact of that plus.

大学での勉強の時に

When studying at university

学んだ考えが影響して

The thoughts I learned have had an impact.

結構多分

Quite a bit, probably.

自分に落ち度がないようにしなきゃって

I have to make sure that I don't have any faults.

考えがちなんですけど

I tend to think that way.

私なんだと思います

What do you think I am?

大学でのっていうのは

What I mean by "in university" is

私法学部にいたんですけど

I was in the Faculty of Law.

大体1年生の春学期とかで

Usually in the spring semester of the first year.

民法を勉強して

Studying civil law.

その民法の基本的な考え方の中に

Within the fundamental concepts of that civil law

過失っていうのがあって

There is something called negligence.

過去の過に失うって書くんですけど

It is written as losing oneself in the past.

意味としては落ち度と同じ意味

It has the same meaning as a mistake.

法律上何かを判決を出すってなった時に

When it comes to making a judgment on something legally...

どちらに責任があるかを決めるためにある要素が過失

One element in determining where responsibility lies is negligence.

なんですけど

It's just that...

これを日常でもしちゃって

Do this in your daily life too.

なので当然仕事でもしちゃってます

So I'm obviously working too.

でその考え

So that idea

をしちゃってる時の感覚は

The feeling when you’re doing it.

自分的には

For me personally

何かアキューズされた時に

When something is accused.

自分に少しでも

A little for myself.

落ち度があったら

If there was a mistake.

何も言い返せなくなっちゃう

I won't be able to say anything back.

責められ続けるしかなくなっちゃう

You'll end up having no choice but to keep being blamed.

じゃんっていう風に

In a way that goes "ta-da."

怖いなぁと

It's so scary.

思ってしまうというか

It's more like I can't help but think that.

もっと感覚的に

More intuitively.

言うと

When I say

身動きが取れない体制をしてる時に

When you are in a situation where you cannot move.

針でブスブス刺され続けるみたいな

It feels like being continuously jabbed with needles.

恐怖感なんですね

It's a feeling of fear, isn't it?

でさっきも

And just a moment ago

ちらっと触れたように

As I briefly touched upon.

ペイペイの立場なのに謎に

Despite being in a position of PayPay, it's a mystery.

矢表に立たされ続けている

I am continually being made to stand at the forefront.

っていうのもあり

That's one possibility.

上司が

My boss.

マネジメントする立場なんですけど

I am in a management position.

この人守ってくれない人だなあ

This person doesn't seem like someone who will protect me.

という風に

In such a way

思ってしまってるので

Because I can't help but think that way.

どうしても

No matter what.

そういう風に思い詰めてしまってました

I was getting really obsessed with those thoughts.

でもこれって別に

But this is not really...

私がどうこうとか

It's about me or something like that.

私に落ち度があるとか

"That I have a fault."

そういう次元の話ではなくて

It's not a matter of that dimension.

そもそも

In the first place.

上司がマネジメントの立場として

As a manager in a leadership position.

やることをやってない

I'm not doing what I need to do.

っていうだけの

Just that.

シンプルな話なんですよね

It's a simple story, really.

こうやって話してみても

Even when I try to talk like this...

ただただそうっていうだけだなって思います

I just think that's just how it is.

でそんな状況で

So in that situation...

半年間案件をやりきったので

Since I've completed the project over the past six months,

もうずっと一応治らないし

It hasn't really gotten better for a long time.

さすがにやばいなと思って

I thought it was definitely serious.

チームの方に相談して

Consult with the team.

長めの休暇をもらって

I took a longer vacation.

今休暇中です

I am currently on vacation.

なんですけど

Well then,

なんと一昨日

Believe it or not, the day before yesterday.

休み中なのに

Even though it's my day off.

呼び出されて

Called out

働かされて

Made to work.

でしかも

And moreover

その例の上司から

From that boss of mine.

ごめんとかありがとうとか

Sorry and thank you.

ほぼなしで

Almost nothing.

しかも

Moreover

ずっと不機嫌な態度丸出しで取られて

I've been treated with a continuously sullen attitude.

こんなにこの人

This person is like this.

私に対するリスペクトないんだな

You don't have any respect for me, huh?

じゃあこっちも別にしなくていいじゃん

Well, then we don't have to do this either.

っていうのに

Even though that's the case...

ようやく思えるようになりました

I can finally feel that way.

でこの一連の話を

So, about this series of events...

友達に聞いてもらったんですけど

I asked my friend for their opinion.

彼女も最近転職を知って

She recently found out about her job change as well.

新しい職場で

At the new workplace

そのどうしても愛入れない上司がいて

There's a boss I just can't get along with no matter what.

で怖い存在になってしまっていたら

It had become a terrifying existence.

そう思ってたんですけど

I was thinking that too.

彼女の言い方を聞いたらしく

It seems that she heard the way she said it.

あの

Um...

なんでこの人がこういう行動するのかっていうのを

I wonder why this person behaves like this.

その人の背景とかから

From that person's background or so.

その仕組みを理解するようにしたら

Once you make an effort to understand that mechanism.

その人が不可解で怖い存在じゃなくなったよ

That person is no longer an incomprehensible and scary presence.

っていう風に教えてくれました

They taught me in that way.

でその読み解きが終わったら

And once that interpretation is complete,

もうあとはその人を下に見ちゃって

Now I just look down on that person.

ああこの人こんなんだから

Ah, this person is like this because of that.

またこういう発言してるんだなとか

"You're making statements like this again, huh?"

思っておけばいいんだよ

You just need to think about it.

という風に言ってくれました

They said it in that way.

でもその落ち度がないようにしなきゃ

But I have to make sure that there are no shortcomings.

っていう脅迫観念がどうほどくかっていうのは

How to unravel that sense of compulsion is...

よくわからないんですけど

I don’t really understand.

とりあえず

For now

なんか相手に傷つけられ続けるんだったら

If I keep getting hurt by the other person...

もうその相手をリスペクトする必要なんて

There's no need to respect that person anymore.

どこにもないし

It's nowhere to be found.

そうやって下に見る

Looking down like that.

下の立場に相手をもう置いてしまうことで

By placing the other party in a lower position.

自分の心にバリアを張っていくような

It's like putting up a barrier in my heart.

っていう風にしていくことにしようって

Let's decide to do it that way.

私も思いました

I thought so too.

なんか誠実でいたいからとか言ってる場合じゃなく

It's not the time to be saying things like wanting to be sincere.

もうバイバイって感じでやっていきます

It feels like we're already saying goodbye and moving on.

ドッキサキ休暇をもらったって言ったと思うんですけど

I think I mentioned that I got a surprise vacation.

この休暇の間は

During this holiday

まず胃腸炎からの療養

First, recovery from gastroenteritis.

2000年して

In the year 2000.

で

"Then"

日中とかに散歩したりスーパー行ったり

I go for walks or to the supermarket during the day.

して

Do it.

それがただ楽しいです

It's just fun.

でも別にこれって働いてる時もできないことではない

But it's not like this is something that can't be done while working.

だって別に四六時中働いてる人もないしな

Well, it's not like there are people who work around the clock all the time, you know.

っていう

It means "that's what I mean" or "you know."

本当に当たり前のことなんですけど

It's really something very obvious, but...

それが

That is it.

本当に当たり前のことなんですけど

It's really just a matter of course.

ゴールデンウィーク明けにも

After the Golden Week.

このマインドのままやっていこうと思います

I intend to continue with this mindset.

やっぱりあと自責論との向き合い方は難しいので

After all, the way to face the theory of self-blame is difficult.

聞いてる人の中で何かアドバイスがもしあったら

If anyone listening has any advice, please share it.

ぜひお便りを送ってください

Please do send me a letter.

アドバイスじゃなくても感想とか

Not just advice, but also thoughts or impressions.

何でも嬉しいですので

I'm happy with anything.

アドバイスじゃなくても感想とか何でも嬉しいですので

I'm happy to hear any thoughts or feelings, even if they're not advice.

アドバイスじゃなくても感想とか何でも嬉しいです

I'm happy with any thoughts or feelings, even if they're not advice.

お便りフォームは概要欄のURLからお願いします

Please use the URL in the description for the contact form.

あとツイッターでつぶやいてくれるよっていう場合は

If you could also tweet about it on Twitter, that would be great.

全部カタカナで

ゼンブカタカナデ

ハッシュタグままれとでお願いします

Please use the hashtag #mamaretto.

ぜひ読みに行きます

I will definitely go read it.

ちなみに休み中働かされてうんぬんっていうのは

By the way, about being made to work during the break, etc.

もうチームに報告済みで

I have already reported to the team.

チームリーダーにエスカレーションされるそうなので

It seems that it will be escalated to the team leader.

もし心配してくださいので

If you are worried, please.

もし心配してくださっている方いたら

If there are those who are worried.

ご安心ください

Please rest assured.

ごみの話はここまでにしておいて

Let's stop talking about garbage here.

今日の一曲は

Today's song is

この間ライブに行って

I went to a live concert the other day.

印象に残っている曲を選びました

I chose a song that left an impression on me.

アークティックモンキーズで

At Arctic Monkeys.

Dutch Weather's Handsです

It's Dutch Weather's Hands.

概要欄にURL貼ってあります

The URL is posted in the description.

ぜひ聴いてください

Please be sure to listen.

マーマレードここまで聴いていただきありがとうございました

Thank you very much for listening to Marmalade up to this point.

それではまた次回

Well then, see you next time.

バイバイ

Bye-bye.

チャンネル登録よろしくお願いします

Please subscribe to my channel.