摂食障害Ep.34@ありのままの私って？

50歳は知名と習いましたが

I learned that 50 years old is considered to be knowledgeable.

アットマーク接触障害女のため息始まります

The sigh of the @ contact disorder girl begins.

この番組は学生時代同じサークルだった

This program features people who were in the same club during their school days.

くんことももちゃんが30年という時を終えて

After 30 years, Kunkun and Momo-chan have come to an end.

接触障害というキーワードでつながり語っていく番組です

This is a program that connects and discusses topics related to eating disorders.

くんこ一人語りの時もあればももちゃんと語る時もあります

There are times when I talk alone, and there are times when I talk with Momo-chan.

きょうはももちゃんと一緒です

Today I am with Momo-chan.

さて今日のテーマは

Well, today's theme is

ありのままの私って何?

What is the true me?

っていうことで

So that's how it is.

ありのままであることを認めようみたいなのっていうのは

It's like acknowledging that we should just be ourselves.

この接触障害の大切なキーワードみたくなってるんだよね

It's becoming an important keyword for this contact disorder.

それでなんか

So, somehow...

つんちゃんはいろいろ考えたってことですかね

It seems that Tsu-chan has thought about various things.

考えたというか乗り越えられないそこを

It's not so much that I thought about it, but that I can't overcome that point.

ありのままの自分っていうのがどんな自分なのかもよく分かんないし

I don't really understand what my true self is like.

認められないかな

I wonder if it won't be recognized.

でも私はなんか大きな転機があったんだよね

But I had some kind of major turning point.

ありのままのっていうところで

"Being true to oneself."

まあなんかそういう言葉ってまだなんか語られてたような時代じゃないよね

Well, it doesn't seem like we live in an era where such words are still being spoken, does it?

ありのままの自分を認めようみたいな

Let's accept ourselves as we are.

そういう時代ではなかったけれども

It was not such an era, but...

今から振り返れば

Looking back from now on

ていうかありのままの自分は自分は知ってるのよ

Well, I know my true self as it is.

自分はそれを理解してるんだけど

I understand that.

そういう自分がいるってことを

It means that there is such a self.

ただそれを外に出してなかったら

"Just if I hadn't taken it outside."

そういう自分がいるってことを

That there is a part of me like that.

言わなかったっていう方かな

I guess it's more about not saying it.

外に分かってって言わなかったっていう

I didn’t say that to anyone outside.

そうそうそうそうそうそう

That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right.

だから認めてるっていうか

So it's like I'm admitting it.

自分がそうだっていう

"I say that I am like that."

接触障害持ってるってことは知ってるし

I know you have an eating disorder.

それは理解してるし

I understand that.

いいと思ってないよ

I don't think that's good.

いいと思ってないけど

I don't think it's good, though.

それをそうだってことは認識してる

I recognize that it's true.

でもそれは

But that is...

なんていうか認められない

I can't really accept it.

何から人に言えなかったのかって言われたらそうなのかもしれないけどね

If you ask what I couldn't say to others, then maybe that's it.

そういう事実は知ってるけど

I know that fact, but...

それは人に言いたいわけじゃない

It's not something I want to tell anyone.

って感じ

I feel like that.

でもありのままの自分っていうのを自分で感じてる時は

"But when I am feeling my true self as it is,"

それは不快ではなかったんだ

It wasn't uncomfortable.

うーん

Hmm.

そうかそうだよね

I see, that's true.

なんか

Somehow

そうであることを消したい自分だよね

It's the part of myself that wants to erase that reality, isn't it?

そういう部分は

That part is like that.

早くないことにしたい

I want to decide that it's not too early.

うん

Yeah.

だからそれを

So that.

そうしてそれをさありのままとかっていう言葉を使えばありのままなんだけど

And so, if you use the word "as it is," it becomes as it is, but...

なんかうまくいないんだけどさ

I don't know, but things aren't going well.

ありのまま

As it is.

自分とも言えないじゃない

You can't even say it's yourself.

うん

Yeah.

ちょっとさ

Just a little.

あのなんつったらいいの

Um, what should I say?

あの

Um...

あのありのままの自分っていうか

It's about being my true self, or rather.

変な理想とかでもなく

It's not even a strange ideal.

うん

Yeah.

なんていうか

How should I put it?

自分が自分らしくいられてない状態だから

Because I am not in a state where I can be myself.

うん

Yeah.

それがありのままって言われたら

If that's what they call being true to oneself.

現状態はそうですよっていうのが

The current situation is just like that.

イコールありのままだったらそうなんだけど

If it's just being oneself, then yes.

うん

Yeah.

でも

But

なんて言うんだろう

I wonder what to say.

別に変な理想主義じゃないけど

It's not like I have some weird idealism or anything.

自分が自分で居心地が良くて自分が自分が落ち着いてるみたいな状態じゃないじゃない

It's not like I'm in a state where I feel comfortable being myself and I'm calm.

うん

Yeah.

だから

So.

ありのままの自分って何を言うのかってすごく難しいと思うんだけど

I think it's really difficult to say what the true self is.

現状っていう言葉でありのままを使うんだとしたら

If I were to use the word "current situation" to refer to things as they are...

うん

Yeah.

現状ね

The current situation.

現状って言葉で使うんだったら

If we're going to use the term "current situation" then...

ありのままの自分が

My true self.

認められなかったって言えばそうなんだけど

It’s true that I wasn’t recognized, but…

うん

Yeah.

でも

But

ありのままの自分は現状なんじゃなくて

The true self is not the current situation.

なんていうか

How should I put it?

私が私として最も

As me as I am the most

なんかこう

Like, well...

あのよく

Well then

良い状態であって落ち着いてるみたいなことを

It seems like you are in good condition and calm.

ありのままって言うんだとしたら

If you're saying it's just the way it is...

うん

Yeah.

それを認められるとか認められないとかって

Whether it can be acknowledged or not.

言うのが

Saying it is

あるんじゃなくて

It's not that it exists.

それは

That is

なんかこう自分が

It's like, I myself...

うーん

Hmm.

なんだろうな

I wonder what it is.

良い状態と思っているもの

Things that I think are in good condition.

うん

Yeah.

だから本来ありのままみたいな

So it's like being your true self.

現実体ありのままっていうよりも

Rather than just being the reality as it is...

本来ありのままっていう

Originally being as it is.

なんかちょっと言葉の中には幅があるような気がするんだけど

I feel like there might be a bit of a range in the words.

どうでしょう

How is it?

本当のありのままは今のありのままとは違う

The true self is different from the current self.

そうそうそういうことだね

Yeah, that's exactly it.

例えばその過食応答があった時のありのままって言われたら

For example, if I were to be told about the reality of that binge response...

現状かもしれないね

It might be the current situation.

現状そうなんだけど

That's how it is for now.

それは本来系からちょっとずれちゃってるっていう認識であれば

If that's the understanding that it has deviated a bit from the original system.

ありのままっていう言葉が持っている

The phrase "being true to oneself" carries.

本来系っていうか

It's more like the original type.

元来ここが一番自分とした居心地が良さそうなポイントみたいな感じであるっていうことからは確かにずれてたけどね

It certainly deviated from the feeling that this place seems to be the most comfortable point for me originally.

本来自分があるべき姿っていうのが

The way I should originally be is...

すごくハードルの高いものすぎて

It's such a high hurdle.

うん

Yeah.

ありのままを認められないっていうか

It's not that I can't accept things as they are.

うん

Yeah.

そっかそっか今度はあれか

I see, I see, so this time it's that, huh?

ありのままっていうのと

Being true to oneself.

ありたい状態っていうのの差の話をしてるんだね

You're talking about the difference in what you want to be like.

そうだね

That's right.

ありたい状態っていうのはまあとんでもなく高い状態で

The desired state is an incredibly high state.

うん

Yeah.

それ無理だよっていう

That's impossible.

うん

Yeah.

一足飛びに行くのはね

It's about jumping ahead.

うんうんうん

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

無理だよって思うんだけれども

I think it's impossible, but...

うんうん

Uh-huh.

今の状態も

Even in the current state.

うん

Yeah.

許せないっていうか

It's not that I can't forgive you.

うん

Yeah.

なんだろうね

I wonder what it is.

なるほど

I see.

うん

Yeah.

,そうか

I see.

だからありのままっていうのと

So, being true to oneself means...

あるべき状態って

What should be the state of things?

あってほしい状態っていうのと

The desired state is...

うん

Yeah.

ありのままっていうのと

"Being true to oneself"

私がさっきもう一個言ったのは

What I said just a moment ago is

現状

Current situation

うん

Yeah.

っていうレベルがあって

There's that level of…

うん

Yeah.

私が使ったありのままは

What I used as it is

なんていうの

What do you call it?

あの変な理想像でもなく

Not that strange ideal image.

うん

Yeah.

失れちゃった

I lost it.

現状でもなく

Not in the current situation.

うん

Yeah.

ありのままっていうのは

"Being true to oneself means..."

元からもらっててちょうどいい状態みたいな

It seems to be in just the right condition as if it were given from the start.

なるほどね

I see.

うん

Yeah.

なんかそういう言葉も

There are also words like that.

あるっていうか

It's more like there is.

なんか今使ってるありのままの自分とかって言うと

When I talk about my current self being just as I am...

現状って言葉で使ってると思うんだけど

I think you're using the word "current situation."

うん

Yeah.

現状もさ

As it is now, too.

本来系からちょっとずれちゃってるじゃない

It's a bit off from the original concept, isn't it?

うん

Yeah.

で

So, then.

あの

Um...

理想主義っていうのも

Idealism, too, is...

なんていうんだろう

I wonder what it’s called.

ちょっとまたそれ以上のものだから

It's a bit more than that again.

うん

Yeah.

だから3つぐらいありのままってなんとなく

So there are about three things that I kind of think are just as they are.

その

That

ありのままっていうか

It's like being true to oneself.

この含んでるような言葉な気がして

I feel like these words have some kind of inclusion.

うん

Yeah.

だから

So.

単に

Simply

なんかこう

Something like this...

あのありのままって

That just as it is.

ちょっと今居心地が自分さえも悪くなって

I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable right now, even with myself.

てるようなことをありのままの自分とは言わないんじゃないかなと思う

I don't think that what is presented as "being yourself" really represents who you are.

うん

Yeah.

居心地ね

It's comfortable, isn't it?

うん

Yeah.

居心地は悪いなあ

It's uncomfortable.

うん

Yeah.

こんなんじゃないって思うんだけれども

I feel like it's not like this.

うん

Yeah.

なんか

Somehow

あるべき姿っていうのをどうしても持っていけないんだけど

I just can't seem to have the ideal image that I should have.

止めちゃう

I'll stop it.

うんうんうん

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

で

So,

本当にそのあるべき姿っていうのが自分がなりたいものなのかすら

I wonder if that ideal form is really what I want to become.

最近わからなくなってて

I've been feeling confused lately.

うんうん

Uh-huh.

なんていうのかな

I wonder how to say it.

本当にそういうこと言ってるけど

I really am saying things like that, though.

本当に

Really.

まあ私の場合仕事なんだけれども

Well, in my case, it's work.

うんうん

Uh-huh.

仕事したいって言ってても

Even if you say you want to work...

うん

Yeah.

本当にあんたしたいのっていう

"Do you really want to do that?"

うん

Yeah.

元の仕事したいのっていう

I want to go back to my original job.

うん

Yeah.

ところでクエスチョンマークがついちゃう

By the way, I ended up with a question mark.

うんうん

Yeah, yeah.

なんかこう漠然とした理想は元の仕事に戻ってバリバリやってとかって思うんだけど

I have a vague ideal of going back to my original job and working hard at it.

うん

Yeah.

でも本当にそうなのって思っちゃうんだよね

But I really can't help but wonder if that's true.

うん

Yeah.

だからなんかさっき喋ってた

So, I was talking about something earlier.

なんか現状のちょっと居心地が悪い自分っていうのと

It's like there's a part of me that's feeling a bit uncomfortable with the current situation.

うん

Yeah.

こっちにすごい理想の自分っていうのがいたとして

If there is an ideal version of myself over here...

うん

Yeah.

その理想の自分っていうのは実はなんか居心地いい自分よりもちょっと行き過ぎちゃってる自分で

That ideal self is actually a version of myself that is a bit excessive compared to the comfortable version of myself.

うん

Yeah.

こっちもちょっと違うんだろうよね

It's probably a little different on this side too.

うん

Yeah.

だから今も違うけど理想の自分でもなくて今のところちょっとそこがどこだか分かんない自分っていうのが

So now it's different, but it’s not the ideal version of myself, and for now, I don’t really know where that 'self' is.

うん

Yeah.

実際のなんかこうなんていうのかな

Well, how should I put it…

しっくりくるありのままの自分

The genuine self that feels just right.

うん

Yeah.

っていうのがどっかにあるんじゃないかな

I think there might be something like that somewhere.

そうね

I see.

現状の今の現状でもなく

Not the current situation as it is now.

うん

Yeah.

理想主義でもなく

Not idealistic either.

うん

Yeah.

なんていうかちゃんと自分のなんかこう収まり度合いにこう収まってるっていうか

It's hard to put into words, but it's like everything fits properly and is in its right place.

うん

Yeah.

それがどこだか分かんないっていう辺りなんじゃないかなっていうか

I think it's about not knowing where that is.

本当の意味でのありのままってそういう言葉なんじゃないかなってきます

I feel like that's what being true to oneself really means.

うん

Yeah.

なんかね

You know...

ありのままって言われると

When you say "as it is"

そういう意味でのことを言われてもピンとこないんだよね

I don't really get what you mean in that sense.

まあそうだね

Well, that's true.

とてもとても

Very very.

うん

Yeah.

なんだろう現状をありのままとして考えて

I wonder what it would be like to consider the current situation as it is.

うん

Yeah.

それを受け入れろって言われても受け入れられないし

Even if I'm told to accept it, I can't accept it.

うん

Yeah.

あー

Ah-

だから現状自分っていうのは自分が一番居心地いい自分じゃないから

That's why, in the current situation, I am not the version of myself that I feel most comfortable with.

うん

Yeah.

言葉は広いからあれなんだけど

Language is broad, so it's a bit difficult.

現在の自分っていう意味でありのままを使えば

If I use "as it is" in the sense of my current self,

それを認めるっていうのが出発点なんだけど

The starting point is to acknowledge that.

本当に自分で居心地よくそこでいられるところのありのままっていうのは

The true state of being where you can really feel comfortable as yourself is

ちょっとそことは違う気がするんだよね

I feel like that's a bit different from there.

だから現実を認めるっていうか

So, it's like accepting reality.

今の状態を認めるって言うとかしいな

It's difficult to say that I accept the current situation.

確実っていうのは出発でもあるんだよと思う

I think that certainty is also a form of departure.

今の自分は確認すべき現実

The current me is a reality that should be acknowledged.

でもそれはさ

But you see,

そこは認識するんだけど

I recognize that, but...

納得する対象じゃなくない?

Isn't it something you can't agree with?

だってそれは受け入れたらさ

Because if you accept that...

自分の意外と

Surprisingly for myself

居心地いい場所っていうわけじゃないからね

It's not exactly a comfortable place.

って思った

I thought so.

そうだよね

That's right.

でも今私

But right now, I...

食べ吐き1ヶ月しない実験をしてるんだけど

I'm conducting an experiment where I eat and vomit for a month.

どうですか?

How is it?

やってないんだけど実際

I haven't done it, actually.

それが心地いいかって言うとやっぱり

When it comes to whether it feels good, I suppose...

もう今引き戻されかけてる

I'm already on the verge of being pulled back.

かといってやりたいかって言われると

That said, when asked if I actually want to do it...

そうでもなくって

Not really.

そもそもゴールってなんだったかって言うと

So what was the goal to begin with?

今んとこ何が自分の希望みたいなのってある?

Is there anything you hope for right now?

やっぱり食べ方かな?

I guess it's about how to eat it?

あー

Ah-

食べ方か

How to eat.

うん

Yeah.

食べ方がまともになって

Your eating habits have improved.

食べ吐きしなくても済むような

So that you don't have to resort to eating and vomiting.

あーそっかそっか

Ah, I see, I see.

今こそ食べ吐きしてないけど

I haven't eaten and thrown up until now, but...

食べ方が自分で納得いく食べ方じゃないってことか?

Are you saying that the way of eating isn't satisfactory to you?

なんか食べ過ぎちゃったとか

I think I ate too much or something.

こんなはずじゃなかったとか

"This wasn't supposed to happen."

うん

Yeah.

そんな感じなんだね

I see, that's how it is.

そんな感じなんだよね

That's how it is, you know?

お米600g作戦も全然できてないんだけど

I haven't been able to do the 600g rice operation at all.

なるほど

I see.

うん

Yeah.

でも食べ吐きしないことによって

But by not eating and throwing up...

ちょうどいい的な食べ方には近づいてる感じはする?

Do you feel like you're getting closer to the right way of eating?

するね

I'll do it.

あー

Ah—

うん

Yeah.

なるほど

I see.

するんだけど

I will do it.

うん

Yeah.

まままままままままままままままままままままままままままま

Mama mamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamama

なるほどね

I see.

心地悪いんだよね

It's uncomfortable, isn't it?

今日こそやったいみたいな自分がいる

Today, I feel like I can really do it.

うんうんうんうん

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

だけどそれは

But that is...

それを認めるっていうのは結構きつい

Admitting that is quite difficult.

うんうんうんうん

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

うん

Yeah.

ダメダメな私だなっていう風に

I feel like I'm such a failure.

また逆戻りしていっちゃうから

Because it will just go back again.

食べ飽きも無理に抑えて

Forcing myself to suppress the feeling of being tired of eating.

抑えられるもんじゃないんだけど

It's not something that can be suppressed.

今は単純に

Simply put, for now.

夜中に買い物に行くエネルギーが

The energy to go shopping in the middle of the night.

残ってないからっていうだけなんだけど

It's just because it's not left.

なんだろう

I wonder what it is.

それが

That's it.

食べ飽きしてない自分が気持ちいいか

Is it nice to not get tired of eating?

っていうとそうじゃないんだよね

That's not exactly right, though.

やっぱり

As expected.

して

Do it.

でも

But

すると一瞬の買いっていうか

Then it was a momentary buy, or rather...

でも

But

それを買いと思っては

I think I want to buy that.

自分を受け入れられない

I can't accept myself.

っていうか

I mean, or rather.

やっちゃっても

Even if you do it.

受け入れられないよね

I can't accept that, right?

だから

So.

だとすると一番受け入れ度合いが

In that case, the degree of acceptance is the highest.

可能なのっていうのは何だ

What do you mean by "possible"?

今は朝ごはん食べることかな

I guess it's time to have breakfast now.

それをすると受け入れられる

By doing that, you will be accepted.

それをしなきゃなって思ってはいるんだけど

I think I need to do that, but...

できてないことなんだけど

It's something I haven't been able to do.

そうなった

That happened.

とりあえずそうしたいなと思ってんだ

For now, I think I want to do that.

そうしたいなとは思うんだけれども

I think I want to do that, but...

怖くてできない

I can't do it because I'm scared.

なるほど

I see.

一日二食生活っていうか

It's more like a two-meal-a-day lifestyle.

夜中に食べたくなって食べちゃうこともあるんだけど

Sometimes I crave food in the middle of the night and end up eating it.

うん

Yes.

その一日二食じゃまずいんだっけ

Is it bad to have only two meals a day?

足りないっていうね

You say it's not enough.

あー

Ah-

まあだからあれか

Well, I guess that's it.

その過食応答しないためには

To prevent that binge eating response.

ある程度のカロリーが必要とか

It is necessary to have a certain amount of calories.

食べ物を食べなくちゃいけなくって

I have to eat food.

その観点からすると足りないってことだよね

From that perspective, it means that there isn't enough, right?

うん

Yeah.

でもツンコが別にそれで過食応答しないんだったら

But if Tsunko doesn't respond with binge eating because of that...

二食だっていいんだよね

Two meals are fine, right?

まあ

Well...

そうだろうね

I guess so.

でも朝が怖いっていう気持ちは

But the feeling of being scared of the morning is...

どうにかしたいよね

I want to do something about it.

あー

Ah~

自分でそれが嫌なんだね

You don't like that yourself, huh?

朝が怖いっていうのがね

The fear of the morning, you know.

そっか

I see.

だからちょっと食べるっていうのって難しいんだよね

That's why it's a bit difficult to just have a little to eat.

難しいね

It's difficult, isn't it?

なんかグレーな食べ方ができない

I can't seem to eat in a gray way.

あーそうねー

Ah, right.

グレーっていうかまあ

Well, it's more like gray.

適度に食べるっつーかね

It's about eating in moderation, you know.

そうそうそうそう

That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right.

食べるか食べないかじゃなくてって意味でしょ

It means it's not about whether to eat or not.

そうそう

That's right.

グレーって言ってたらちょっと悪いことみたいな感じで

It feels like saying "gray" is a bit like something bad.

まあ適度に食べるが難しいんだよね

Well, it's difficult to eat in moderation.

うん

Yeah.

私もこの3日間ちょっとこういろんなイベント続きで

I've had a series of various events for the past three days as well.

うん

Yeah.

こう誰々さんの誕生日会のことの何のことのって続いちゃったんだよね

So it ended up being about someone's birthday party and all that.

うん

Yeah.

で

So

で一回やっぱちょっと飲みすぎちゃって

I ended up drinking a bit too much after all.

うん

Yeah.

で一回やっぱちょっと飲みすぎちゃって

So I ended up drinking a bit too much.

容易な発言をしたのよ

I made an easy remark.

うん

Yeah.

あれはまずかったなと思って

I thought that was bad.

うん

Yeah.

っていうのとやっぱりこの3日間結局宴会が続いちゃったから

Well, it's also because the banquet continued for three days after all.

うん

Yeah.

こうなんかこう

Something like this.

汚れ感

Feeling of dirtiness

自分への汚れ感みたいなのがあって

There is a sense of dirtiness towards myself.

うん

Yeah.

でここがいっぱいいろんな人だって楽しかったなみたいに

It was fun here with so many different people, you know?

うん

Yeah.

あればいいんだけどうん なんかそうならない不思議な

I wish it were possible, but it's strangely not happening.

感じっていうかうん これもうちょっと終わらないっていうかねだツーコが今

It's like, um, this just doesn't seem to end, you know? Well, Tsuko is right now...

なった分居心地悪いっていうかなんかこう 嫌な感じっていうのは薄くてはいくと思うんだけど

It's not that I feel uncomfortable about becoming that way, but I think there's a faint sense of dislike.

うんなが完全ゴールって多分 ないのかもしれないけどねうん

Well, there may probably not be a complete goal, but yeah.

確かにねー みんなアレなんだよね

That's true, everyone is like that, isn't it?

その 食べやすいにこだわっちゃうんだけど

I'm particular about it being easy to eat.

どうやったら止まったのっていうことを いろんな人に聞きまくっても明確な答えを

I've asked a lot of people how it stopped, but there's no clear answer.

もらったことがないのよ

I've never received one.

あるひとつ然とか

One thing or another.

うん そういう

Yeah, something like that.

答えしかなくて まあ

There is only an answer, well.

風邪ひいた時にくしゃみをどうやって止めたのって 聞くようなもんだから

It's like asking how to stop sneezing when you have a cold.

ちょっと飛躍しすぎてるなと思うんだけど 本当に

I think you're jumping to conclusions a bit too much, really.

根本が見えないっていうか

It's more like the root can't be seen.

いやだっ いやなんかさその

No way! I just don't want to, you know...

突然やっぱり

Suddenly, after all.

治ったっていうわけじゃなくって うん

It's not that I've completely recovered, yeah.

症状自体は ある日を境に私確かにあの

The symptoms themselves, from a certain day onward, I definitely...

激減することになるんだけれども でもこう

It will significantly decrease, but still...

あーこれぐらい食べたらお腹いっぱいとか あちょっと食べすぎちゃった自分がやだとか

Ah, when I've eaten this much, I feel full, or I feel bad for overeating a little.

うんなんか食べないことがなんか理想みたい なものが変わったかって言われたらそういった感じがね

Well, when asked if my ideal of not eating anything has changed, it feels that way.

変わったかって言われたらそういった感じがね 変わったかって言われたらそういった感じがね

When asked if I've changed, it feels like I have in that way.

変わったかって言われたらそういった感じがね

If you ask whether it has changed, it feels that way.

相当長い間変わらない感じで

It feels like it hasn't changed for quite a long time.

だからなんか

So, somehow...

症状部分とマインド部分っていうのとすると

If we consider the symptom part and the mind part...

マインド部分は相当変わってなくて

The mindset part hasn't really changed much.

しばらく

for a while

だからそれはなんか

So, that’s kind of...

マラソンの往復ぐらいな感じで

It's about the same as a round trip for a marathon.

片道例えば10年過ぎてるとすると

For example, if it has been 10 years one way...

それがもう過食法と表面上の何かが終わったとしても

Even if that means that binge eating and the superficial things have already ended.

折り返しから多分10年ぐらいはまた

Probably around 10 years from the return.

なんていうか

How should I put it?

元の地点までに

By the original point.

かかるかなみたいな

I wonder if it will take that long.

感覚があるっていうか

It's like I have a feeling.

でそうやって私なんかそれで7年過ぎたって

So that's how I've let seven years pass by.

なんか

Something

そうやってなんか宴会とか続くと

If that kind of banquet continues...

なんで

Why?

どうにこう

Somehow or another

いやちょっと

Well, wait a minute.

ただ楽しかったよね

It was just fun, wasn't it?

で終わって

And that's the end.

終わんないみたいな

It seems like it will never end.

のがつきまとっちゃってるよね

It's really sticking around, isn't it?

なるほどね

I see.

なかなか一筋縄ではいかないんだね

It's not something that can be easily solved.

まあね

Well, you know.

あと同時にやっぱり

Also, at the same time, after all...

それ以外の時間が増えてくっていうか

It's more like the time outside of that is increasing.

考える時間が

Time to think.

だからマインド変わらないんだけど

That's why the mindset doesn't change.

相対値が減ってくっていう方法もあるよ

There’s also a method where the relative value decreases.

そういうような気もする

I feel that way too.

うん

Yeah.

相対値か

Relative value, huh?

相対値を下げる

Lower the relative value.

他のことで埋めるっていうか

It's more like filling it with other things.

うんうん

Uh-huh.

そうなんだよ

I see.

だから

So.

1日の短期バイトとか

A one-day short-term job or part-time work.

はいはいはい

Yes, yes, yes.

やってもいいのかなとか思うんだけど

I wonder if it would be okay to do it.

うんうん

Uh-huh.

なんか

Something

それさえもすごい高いハードルなんだよね

Even that is a really high hurdle.

あー

Ah—

お家の中でやるなんかってないのかね

Isn't there anything to do inside the house?

やるとしたら掃除だよね

If we're going to do it, it would be cleaning, right?

うん

Yeah.

掃除はどこまでも限りないから

Cleaning is limitless in every way.

うん

Yeah.

掃除したり断捨離したり

Cleaning and decluttering.

うん

Yeah.

してれば

If you're doing it

かなりの時間は食うと思うんだけど

I think it will take quite a long time.

うん

Yeah.

今はそれをしてないから

I'm not doing that right now.

うん

Okay.

病気の声の方に引き寄せられちゃってんのかもしんないけどね

I might be drawn to the voice of illness, though.

うんうん

Uh-huh.

なるほどね

I see.

なんかあんまりこう

It feels kind of not so much like this.

いろんなことをいっぺんにやるのも結局難しいしね

It's ultimately difficult to do a lot of things at once.

うん

Yeah.

うーん

Hmm.

あるがまま?ありのままっていうか

As it is? Or rather, as it truly is?

あるがまま

As it is.

の自分の心と体を受け入れる

Accepting one's own heart and body.

うん

Yeah.

っていうのが

That is to say.

うん

Yeah.

できないんだよね

I can't do it.

うん

Yeah.

あー

Ah-

現状って話だとやっぱりそれはなかなか難しくて

Based on the current situation, it seems that it's quite difficult after all.

うん

Yeah.

そこでステップも止まっちゃうんだけど私は

So the step stops there, but I...

はぁはぁ

Huff huff.

うん

Yeah.

あるがままの心と体を受け入れようって言われても

Even if I'm told to accept my heart and body as they are.

うん

Yeah.

そんなの難しすぎてできないんだけど

That's too difficult, I can't do it.

難しすぎてできないよっていう

"It's too difficult, I can't do it."

なるほどね

I see.

まぁあるがままっていう

Well, it's about being as it is.

まぁ最初にまた戻っちゃうんだけど

Well, I'm going to go back to the beginning again.

うん

Yeah.

現状の自分っていうのはやっぱ居心地の良くない自分だから

The current version of myself is definitely an uncomfortable version of myself.

それは認知するっていうか

It's more like recognizing.

まぁそういう状態なんだなってことは確認するんだけど

Well, I just want to confirm that that's the kind of situation we are in.

うん

Yeah.

だけどなんていうの居心地の良いところっていうのやっぱ別にあるから

But how should I put it? There are definitely other places that are comfortable.

うん

Yeah.

そこを目指して良いところな気がするの

I feel like it's a good place to aim for.

ちょっとやりすぎちゃう理想像っていうのとはまた別な

It's different from an ideal image that's a bit over the top.

うんうん

Uh-huh.

それは探さないとダメなような感じはするよね

It feels like you have to look for it, doesn't it?

うん

Yeah.

それは見えないんだよね

You can't see it, right?

そうだね

That's right.

だから理想っていうのとまた違うからね

So it's different from what you call an ideal.

うん

Yeah.

そうだね

That's right.

理想って

What is ideal?

うん

Yeah.

自分に合ったっていうか

It's more like it suits me.

そうそうそうそう

That's right!

そういうところね

That's the kind of place.

そこが本当に見つからない

I can't really find that place.

そうだね

That's right.

現状を

Current situation.

現状を満足してるわけではないんだけれども

I'm not satisfied with the current situation, though.

うん

Yeah.

これ以上

No more.

太ってなるものかっていう

"I won't allow myself to get fat."

自分もいて

"Me too."

うん

Yeah.

それをありのままの私

That is the real me.

っていう風にしちゃうと

If you do it that way, then...

うん

Yeah.

すごいなんかみじめになる

It's amazing, but it makes me feel kind of miserable.

うんうんうんうんうん

Mhm, mhm, mhm, mhm, mhm.

うん

Yeah.

だから

So.

うん

Yeah.

みじめにならない程度に

To a degree that doesn't make you miserable.

うん

Yeah.

自分を認めてあげれば

If you acknowledge yourself

うん

Yeah.

加速したって

Even if I accelerate.

それを否定しないで

Don't deny it.

うん

Yeah.

よしよしってしてあげれば

If you pat them gently, they'll feel better.

うん

Yeah.

いいのかもしれない

It might be okay.

うん

Yeah.

変わる can is no

"Changing can be no."

いいのかもしれないんだけどね

It might be okay, but...

うんうんうんうんうんうん

Yes yes yes yes yes yes.

うん

Yeah.

それができないんだよ

I can't do that.

なんかちょっと今やってんじゃないかな

I think they're doing something right now.

前よりは

Better than before.

わけ分からずダメ吐きしてる時よりは

More than when I'm just aimlessly spewing nonsense.

うん

Yeah.

ちょっと手が合うかなっていう気はするんだけど

I have a feeling that our hands might fit together a bit.

うんうんうん

Uh-huh.

ね そうだね

Yeah, that's right.

じゃあ じゃあ

Well, well.

じゃあ

Well then.